Problems
Not sure why I'm bringing the situation up here, but it's the only place I can think of to vent atm.
So the story starts freshman year of high school- what seems like so many years ago. I had just transferred schools and was an awkward child. Making friends wasn't my strong suit at the time (still isn't, but not nearly like it used to be). I got seated down in my first class and glanced over at the person to the right of me. A beautiful brunette girl with straight long hair and deep brown eyes. We struck up a conversation right off the bat, a rather surprising event seeing as my previously stated position of having horrid people skills. We talked for a few months, and she was dating this piece of shit druggie who didn't deserve her in the slightest. After a year or so they broke up. My chance, right? Nerp. I'm dumb, missed my chance because I didn't have the guts. Of all the people in the world to pick up where I failed? My very close and life long friend and family member.... we'll call him Bob. Well whatever. So they date for the next 4 years, long time. I, always in the background, talked to her everyday about everything, even sometimes giving her my two cents on her relationship (that was always a dubious, harsh, and danced around subject seeing as I really liked her but couldn't blindside Bob by saying what I wanted to, especially after hearing the things he would say about her when she wasn't around to hear it). Recently, well not so recently (months), it ended. Some very personal stuff came out. She had conceived and he wanted nothing to do with the situation, going so far as telling her to be... prochoice. She lost the babies (yes, plural and no, not by bring prochoice). More recently I ended up at a party with her. We spent the entire night together talking and laughing and carrying on. At 6 in the morning we hitched a ride with a friend and went back to his place, closer to where we both needed to be in the morning. We had stayed up until 6 in the morning just bullshitting with each other and having a grand ol' time. When we got to his place around 7 we looked for the nearest place to sleep. Me and her ended up in the same bed that night and talked for awhile, as we both started to crash I wanted nothing more than to simply wrap my arm around her and hold her close. But I didn't. Once again I failed myself because I didn't want to be "that guy" who not only broke the man code but did it to his closest friend and worse, family member. The next day we texted for awhile and it drifted off into a slow trickle of non important responses. The next day I texted her 3 times throughout the day spread out over the entire day and never got anything in return. I never texted her after that and it's been 2 days. The people I would normally tell my troubles to are the same ones I'm scared to talk about it with, Bob and our group. I'd like to chalk this up to a insignificant crush that'd pass in a couple of days or weeks, but it's been a constant (at times more prudent than others) ringing in my ears for 5 years or so. Anyways, just typing it out eased my mind slightly, if only to realize it's best to just repress this and move on.
Comments
There's obviously something missing here, and you probably don't know it yourself. She's realized something, or just gotten busy, and you'll need something better than texting if you want to find out.
I can tell you that high school especially is one of the biggest times when both sides wonder if they should pursue something more but are too scared to try, thinking the friendship they value so much might end. This continues into the 20s sometimes, though after that, people start realizing that life is too short.
You'll need to choose if you want to keep her in her current just-friends spot, or if you want to tell her you're missing her and are wondering if she's open to something more. How long do you think life is at the moment?
What do you mean by "that guy" or man code?
I'd say tell her how you feel. Don't worry about how it's worded. Just say it as it is and don't hold back anything. If she rejects you, then at least you have an answer instead of being uncertain. Just let it all out. I can guess that something like this would be a challenge for you, based on what you've said, but just try not to think of what comes after and focus only on the idea of getting an answer and getting on with things with or without her.
Hope it all goes well for you.
I'm probably the last person in the world you want advice on women from, but I'd say give her a few days, she might have felt confused about her own feelings and is trying to take the time to work them out first - give her the space to do so, and I imagine she'll come back. If you have been friends for a very long time, I doubt your relationship wouldn't break off that easily. Do you have much opportunity to see her naturally (IE at school or other places?).
Although I would say at some point, before anything becomes official, it really is important to talk to Bob as well, especially given that you're worried about that coming between your friendship. I imagine he'd say it's okay (whether it's actually okay or not is harder to tell, but it's definately better than blindsiding).
Some people call it the Guyble or Bro Code.
Interestingly enough this was a topic that came up that night. We both agreed that life is very short, and rapidly ending day by day, an ending neither of us believes we come out the other side on. Which makes me think about why it matters so much that Bob isn't hurt by my actions? He doesn't like her anymore, and in addition he believes he comes back after death, so why shouldn't I enjoy what little time I believe is all I have? Yet if I did go through with it or even tried to go through with it I would be out casted not only from my group but most of my family as well. Humans are social creatures, and me without any friends or family to go to....
Short answer shorter: Not long enough.
Or guy code. So many names, but yall got the idea
No I don't see her naturally. Like, ever. We live only one town over from each other but we're never in the same spot. After the party and getting up the next day we went to her house and when we were talking to her parents she said something along the lines of "I only saw him this time because he was forced to see me" joking around, but I could tell she was only half joking. I've been sort of avoiding her because of the whole situation prior to the party, which really hurt.
I do need to talk to Bob, and I know that. What I don't know is how to do it. "Yeah remember that girl you almost had children with? Mind if I butt in?"
I realize that you most likely don't need my opinion, nor that my own wailing would help your problems. So, sorry for wasting your time in advance.
As others have said, you do need to sort this out. Talk to this girl, and to your friend, since it's best to sort this out. Unfinished business is the worst kind. I can't give you any exact advice, as I'm socially awkward myself, and pretty inexperienced in such talks. But, still, it's best to sort this out before it's too late, and you'll regret even more than you do now.
Now, unto the hypocrisy of my post...
I think I have a crush on a girl from my college, but, guess what? I don't even have balls to approach her about it. I can chat with her in general, joke around and stuff, but nothing more. There's a whole list of reasons why I think I can't, but before I go into them and start wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing, I'll just say that I advise you to sort your affairs out, but can't do that with my own. I hate being a hypocrite, but I guess it's the way it has to be.
Hackett out.
You said you talked to her pretty much every day, how long has that been going on? It sounds like you were pretty close even as the relationship with Bob ended? And what makes you think she was only half-joking with that comment - is it the kind of joke she makes often, or are their any other indications? I don't know much about relationships, but I do know about pessimism, and automatically jumping to the negative conclusion will get you nowhere (something I try to tell myself everyday). There are plenty of reasons she might have said that, or you may have been anxious and so you interpreted a legitimate joke as negative. (On the other hand, you may have interpreted it correctly, I can't know for certain, and, frankly, neither can you unless the two of you express your feelings sincerely and frankly).
When you say prior to the party, are you referring to the pregnancy? Or something directly between the two of you?
Also, I know at least in my case, sometimes I've asked women out knowing it was going to go nowhere - it was ultimately for me, not for them; I knew they were going to reject me, but just expressing that feeling is so much more helpful to getting over it. Plus, you never know, it might work out.
As to your relationship with Bob; I honestly don't know. I'm not going to say honesty is the best policy, but it does beat being found out later. Suddenly saying 'Oh, I have a crush on this women' seems strange at best and deceitful at worst - if you're honest, it will not be easy, but it will be understandable. If their relationship is truly over - it isn't butting in. She's going to date other people, and he will have to accept that. Nobody wants to think about their lover's former lovers or their exes future lovers, but it's a fact of life. If it truly is over - if it isn't, it's important to sort that out more than anything. Also, for your own feelings, be careful that anything that happens isn't a rebound.
I don't mean to be cruel; but I can't make things right for you and I can't make your mistakes for you, so take my words with a grain of salt. That's my cop out for saying I don't now everything. You're ultimately going to have to do what you think is best. Nobody (especially people on the internet who don't know the three of you personally) is really going to be change that fact.
Sometimes, things happen in life that are really painful, but if those painful don't happen, then your chances for the really happy moments diminish even more; and we don't even know if this is going to be one of those moments. Ultimately, you have to do what you feel is best for you; and even if that doesn't work out the way you want it to at first, it will be best in the grand scheme of things. The most important thing is to choose, not to let inaction choose for you.
I fully understand where you're coming from. Its easy to tell someone how it should be when the words or actions dont come from yourself. Advice is easy to give, even easy to recieve mostly, its not easy to act upon. I was the same way as you. When I could hold a conversation with a pretty girl that's as far as it went. As it goes I don't have that problem anymore. I can talk to them and get dates and everything because I just don't care. What's weird is the one time I do care, the one time I want more, the one time I honestly feel a true and real connection I fall short.
I don't know how to sort it out. This entire situations feels like the worst example of headphones getting tangled up in your pocket. I just want to withdraw from the world for a few days.
but i thought you said it ended
?
It did. There is no definite guy code, but the one I've always heard of and lived by states that it continues after the relationship has ended.
It's almost the same for me. I don't think I could easily get on dates, the first and foremost reason being me not having guts to do that, not to mention that they aren't likely to be interested. The worst thing is that the girl I'm genuinely interested in is likely not to be interested, too. Ah, well, enough about it.
Withdrawing from the world won't make your problems go away, though. They'll still be waiting for you once you "return", but I'm sure you know that yourself.
Do what you think would be best, but be sure not to do something you'll regret till the very end of your days.
Just tell her you love her over starbucks.
The words "I love you" are extremely powerful in female persuasion.
No offense to "BOB" but fuck him imo. He will get over it if your as close as you say.
I know she was half joking because I know her. She has tells like anyone else, and I've spent enough time with her to know them.
Sorry I used ineffective sentence structure. What I meant is that prior to the party I avoided her because of the entire situation.
Inaction has always saved me from emotional turmoil. I guess I'm scared of this action.
To that, honestly, I can't answer too much. If you think Bob will really take it out on you, you can swallow your feelings - that's a legitimate option and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. But just between you and her, you don't know for sure what will happen and you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and more importantly, I'd say rejection is very cathartic. Plus you regret it if you don't say it. I know I have somebody I've had a crush on more than anyone, I know she knows from my actions at the time, but even if I just had the opportunity to really say it, I think I could walk about feeling so much better. Action is scary, oftentimes it hurts, sometimes even badly, but inaction gnaws continuously.
You're right. And I would regret not trying. I know that much. Thanks
Starbucks! Of course!
You jest, but do you know how many women i meet at Starbucks? It is my second home right now, since i stopped drinking.
Haha I have no doubt. Starbucks lovers aren't normally my type tho, haha.
Well fine, not starbucks but just tell her you love her over Mcdonalds. Life to short, you can die tomorrow walking your doggie. You want to be ten years older ,and still thinking about her? Man UP, if it makes you feel better i can tell you some of my disasters in love.
I'm in the process now, so we'll see how it goes haha.
But sure, I'd love to hear some of your tales from the book of love!
Recent story, i was into this girl, started out as friends, I asked her out, we hit it off, then so i figured well i wanted to keep seeing her, so i thought....
Well Gee George what does everyone woman Want?
A boyfriend, so i asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend.
Basically that was the wrong thing to say, i find out that this girls last boyfriend shot himself in the head after they broke up, so she like she can't. I didn't really honestly care. I was just a squirrel if you know what i mean. She ended up quitting her job/moving all to avoid me LOL.
Wow haha. Too bad you couldn't get that acorn before you asked to be her boyfriend...
So did you tell her you love her yet? Buy her a four dozen roses, and a puppy.
All women love puppies, its true.
The Puppy, man's greatest woman bait.
She's already got 2 dogs and 2 cats, I get the feeling another would just be overkill. As for telling her I love her? Not in those words yet, lol.
Use the force Luke.
Buy a Giant "Heart Shaped Cookie, you can get them at any bake shop and send her a card saying "I am sweet on you."
I personally think that if you have strong affection towards another individual, nothing should tie you down from revealing it at the right moment, it's both a risk but also a reliever, at least you'll know how she feels about you, I know advice is easy to give but not easy to take but what have you got to lose? We all only live once, why not take the opportunities? We never know how long we have, why not make the best of it, we never know how long the people around us have, why not tell them how we feel before the end draws near? I think your guy friends should understand, I mean the word friend is practically just a word if people don't support you in cases like these, you've gone through the pain of seeing someone you care about in the hands of someone else you care about, it's not easy to overcome but if you want a chance you've got to take risks, you never know the outcome but you might not be able to hide it forever.
And I can get her a steel pipe and a card that says "I am hard for you." This plan is panning out perfectly!
you know how many times i've done the cookie thing? They know me by first name.
Lmao. You know how many times I've done the steel pipe thing? They've already got the cards waiting for me.... (okay mines not true)
So. Much. Text. No. Paragraphs. Can't. Read. Even. If. I. Wanted. To.
Haha okay.
OH MY LORD SOMEONE CALL THE MINISTER
Anyway, in seriousness, firstly you shouldn't feel you'd be betraying Bob by 'courting' (ergh) his ex, because that just isn't betrayal. It would be if they were still going out yeah, but other than that you'd be fine.
Secondly if this girl didn't reply to three texts in one day at all then she probably isn't interested. Also might want to hold off on texting three times in one day with no response, that creates the impression of being slightly...well, desperate.
I've been close enough to her for years that if I am needy she already knows it, not really a surprise to her. And she has texted me back, and she is interested, so anyways.
Was.... that supposed to be funny? He told her to kill her children. I am prochoice, but there is a huge difference between telling someone to abort and giving them the option to.
You said he told her to be 'prochoice' which is a different thing to telling someone to have an abortion.
Telling someone to be prochoice is saying you should support people's right to their own body' not telling someone to have an abortion.
Which of the above did you actually mean?
I was just giving a personal opinion of it: I would only ignore someone for an entire day through numerous texts if I wasn't interested.
It would have been good to know she's definitely interested in the OP.