Pride or peace
Hey there!
I think I have been here long enough to know that there are many great and helpful people in this community and now I need your help.
Have you ever been in a situation when you had to forgive someone who hurt you for your own sake? To keep your peace of mind, but you felt like you lost a little piece of your pride or you're lying to yourself? I'd really like to hear out your opinion about this matter.
I don't know if that makes sense to you or not but if you're still here then here's my story:
My past 2 years were horrible, I'd lost a lot of really close friends and my biggest love too. They hurt me way too much and I was so fed up I told them to never speak again. I also lost contact with my cousin (I loved her like a sister). I managed to forgive her last winter, but she's still an asshole and keeps hurting me and I finally realised I don't like her anymore...
And it happened again. I'm having the same problems again. But I can't seem to hold a grudge anymore... because it's eating me up literally. I don't want to go through the same shit again. Sleepless nights, depression and terrible nightmares for long months. The sad thing is that I'm not the one who starts the arguments but it's always me who gets hurt. I had a messy argument with my cousin and a friend last week and we haven't spoken since. They really pissed me off and I believe they are in the wrong but they just don't admit it. (If I'm wrong I can admit it, I'm not stubborn about it)
So which one is more important to you, your pride or keeping the peace with people?
If you have any advice or your own story I'd appreciate it if you'd share it with us/me. And thanks for your time. 
Comments
Well, to be fair, I am a pretty prideful individual, even if there's nothing in my opinion to be prideful about (I'm pretty pathetic as a human being, to be honest). I also never forget any wrongdoings against me, like, ever, even if I do forgive someone. I also never honestly forgive anyone, who doesn't seem earnest in their desire to "repent", so to speak. Yeah, sure, you're telling me you're sorry, but you're really not. In that case, don't bother.
So, depends on a situation. As for your situation, OP, I'd say severing contacts with people who always seem to be bent on hurting you in some way, intentionally or otherwise, might be the best course of action. IMO, of course.
Any friends in school are gone when it's done. There's no point in stressing over that either way you're gonna forget them they're gonna forget you the only friends that stay are the best ones. But your cousin thats forever and if she starts arguments and hurts you... I guess just tell her you don't want to talk to her anymore if she's such an ass. Just leave the argument. Dignity is a load of crap where's that gonna get you? Course if you're not in school my advice is useless. Just try and find friends that like you for who you are. If they're just gonna straight up leave you alone then they're not even worth it. But what do I know this advice might not be that helpful o_o
It depends on a lot of things.
If the friend doesn't care about you then you have to let go
I came to realise that I've overrated friendship in my whole life. I'd have put my hands in fire for them but now I know that it's not mutual. People are just passing by, I know I can't stress myself anymore over this, but it's hard to let go. Especially when it's about an old friend that i like and I'd like to keep. Well, I finished College, so... but yes, I appreciate your advice, it's helpful.
Don't be hard on yourself. I don't forget about the wrongdoings either, you can forgive but shouldn't forget what they did. I always try to give people a second (or even more) chance.. but not everyone deserves that. I think you're right, there's no point to keep a friend that can only make me disapponted. Thanks for the reply!
No problem, and I'm actually not being hard enough on myself, lol.
Well...In real life I'm a pretty calm person (On the Internet I can be a prick). I am a pretty interesting person as I love to make friends and get into every social circle I can. People learned not to cross me in real life and when people do ( And I don't hate them with a passion ) I will usually forgive them...However, I never forget.
Oh I envy you, for me it's so damn difficult to make new friends.
I'm pretty charismatic in real life.
GoldenPaladin in real life:
I don't hold grudges. I don't see the point. I hate being angry, and go out of my way to not feel bad in any way. If people continuously "hurt me" (I guess you could say that, I don't get hurt, so perhaps annoy is the proper word) then I will sever ties. Not because I hate them or whatnot, but because I don't want to be around them. I feel no ill will towards them, I would just prefer spending my time with other people. I guess the question you need to ask yourself if the argument (and whatever else happened) is worth not talking to them again, and that's your call. (PS you can talk to them again and just not mention the argument. Sometimes the best way to get around something is just to forget it happened.)
Sadly i'm not a ladies man.
How do they hurt you?
Are you a pushover, and they take advantage of that to get things from you they don't deserve? Then aren't thankful for it? Did one of them "steal" your boyfriend?
Do they argue with your opinions and tell you you're wrong without considering your point of view?
Are they downright mean? Are they yelled at by other people in their lives that they cannot strike back at (because it's their boss, or he's much stronger than them, or whatever), so they yell at you to release the tension, knowing you won't fight back?
How stressful are their lives?
The solution to this depends on what's starting it. Adults are not generally mean to each other unless there's a good reason, or something is pushing them to be mean.
I have my own opinions about things, but I learned a while back that others can have differing opinions, and that doesn't make them wrong, just different. If you try to prove them wrong, it doesn't work, and they just get mad at you. If you must disagree, phrase it like, "I understand why you feel that way, but let me tell you about something I've noticed," and validate and listen to their viewpoints.
You don't have to like your cousin, but tell yourself you can be civil around her, and if she says something completely wrong, just hear her out and say it's interesting.
If you'd like to give a specific example of meanness, I'm sure we all could analyze it for you.
You can't be charismatic and not have ladies on you. I would know '-'
Nah, I wouldn't call them mean. Basically I have nice people around me but sometimes they flip out just like me. They might have a lack of empathy though or they just can't understand what depression or anxiety feels like. I don't expect it from anyone to understand that anymore.
The arguments most of the time come from misunderstandings or not sharing our feelings with each other. Sometimes I feel that I expect too much from others or I'm just too sensitive.
I have a history with my cousin, I know her for 23 years now, and we've always been bickering, but in the last few years she really turned into an asshole. She's not malevolent but just dumb and ignorant. She believes just because she's studying at a University she's became so intelligent and funny but every time she speaks I want to facepalm. And she's saying things that makes me embarassed or hurt. And sometimes I run out of patience. I think I know why she's like this, she's got a really asshole father and I know he has a big influence on their family. The same bossy personality, thinking they're better and smarter than anyone. I don't like that at all.
The boyfriend issue was simply his fault, he didn't think like an actual human being, and also lied straight into my face.
Thank's for the advice, I think I'll try to keep things civil, I've already cleared the air with my friend, I just have to make things right with my cousin.
Yeah, I hate being angry too, that's like poison... I think I know the answer, thanks:)
I would say maintaining peace would be more important.
In order to maintain relationships with other people, sometimes you have to be willing to swallow your pride.
And if you want to have relationships with others, you have to be willing to look past the faults of others.
However, that does not mean that you should just let people walk all over you, either.
Set boundaries as to not only how you act, but also as to what type of behavior you will and will not accept.
If someone is truly your friend, they will respect those boundaries, though that is not to say they'll be able to do so perfectly and it would not be fair to expect them to be able to do so; as their is no perfect person alive today.
And another thing I would recommend, is for you to analyze your own actions.
When it comes to a disagreement, there is normally fault on both ends.
So look back on your own actions, and try to figure out where you were wrong.
And then figure out where you need to adjust your words and conduct in the future.
DO NOT focus on the actions of the other person, neither past, or potentially future, as those you cannot change.
Focus on how YOU can make the situation better.
Pride doesn't say i love you when you shut your eyes at night.
Peace every time. Anyone that has been with a high maintenance woman will know what i am talking about.
Well, sadly, I have a lot of mental problems and that's apparently a turn off.
How can that be a turn off? Shouldn't really change anything. The ladies are cruel :. You'll find one that doesn't care anyway, it's just life
Hi, SoMuchSass!
(Sorry for my bad english)
I think I understand you well. Since childhood, I and sister and had not very good relationships. At first it was good, but soon, in a few years, when we moved to the city, she found a bad friends at new school and became every year becomes worse and worse. She became quite the other and could not tolerate people with such a character like mine. As a child I was very angry at her and could not restrain myself. That was very stupid of me. I did wrong, and as she did. This lasted until until I got 14-15 years old. Now I am 17. A couple of months ago I changed and I no longer so stupid as he was before. I have learned to tolerate, how hurt I would not have been. More I do not pay attention to it. I forgave her in my heart, and I hope that she will ever forgive me, because I too have wronged her. I did the same thing to her that she was to me, and I did ie as stupid as she was.
I want to say that no mater how hurt you were not, we should forgive them, and act smarter than they are. We will never know about all the things that happened to them. My sister lost her father when she was very young. Perhaps the lack of a father made her like, but I had not thought about it.
Now everything is different, and that she did not tell me, I do not pay attention to it, because I know that it is not true.
I know who I am, who I was and who I will become.
One day she and your friends and sister will understand that they were wrong It may not be very soon, but... it will happen.
Bad things happen to everyone...
And remember this and always forgiving
If they're an asshole you dont have to forgive, maybe your cousin will learn a important life lesson they dont have the right to cause others so much stress and then be simply forgiven. Have respect for your own mentality and have nothing to do with people who just cause shit and act oblivious let them push people away they will realise its ther own fault and maybe the behavior will improve, if not at least you dont have to put up with it anymore
I'm sorry, it's really sad when sisters have a bad relationship. My mom and her sister doesn't speak with each other for a very long time. When I was a kid I couldn't understand the reason but now I do. I'm going through the same thing as my mother. I really hope you can work things out with her because family matters. People can change and you're still young so maybe both of you should give a second chance for the other one.
People are cruel.
There's truth in your words. I forgive them but I'll keep that in mind who I am gonna trust with my secrets and problems. Probably not them but it's better to live in peace.
Of course, thank you
I have already forgiven her. And I believe that she ever would.
Don't worry - I can handle. The main thing that you was all right
I'm calm but, when I have the chance to say a "smart-ass" and "whitty" comment to the person I dislike, I take the chance.
I live alongside some phrases, such as "Who barks a lot, bites little" and "Good or bad, it will change anyhow". I don't know how old you are, but teenagers stick more to pride than to peace.
I don't get why you even Care. Learn to turn your feelings off, and be done with it.
Because some people actually don't want to be an uncaring drone. I care about people and while it is hard to sometimes, I need to be that person.
Meh, I prefer being Vulcan.
Sometimes I wonder why, but that's just who I am. I can't turn off my feelings. Maybe it makes life easier but I don't want to become a not caring person.
I'd say it's situational, and a good balance is required. If you're so prideful that you can't admit you're wrong (you said you can, but I'm just speaking generally right now), then that's too much pride. Too little pride will just see people walk all over you though. Be prideful, but be smart. If you feel like these people truly don't care about you, and all of your interactions with them end so negatively that you have to ask strangers on these forums for advice, well, maybe they aren't a very positive influence in your life. Even if you've known them for a long time, it still might be best to cut ties with such people. Allowing people to take advantage, especially when they're in the wrong, isn't the type of peace you should be striving for. It's a false peace that will just spiral down.
As for holding a grudge, you can do that without the anger. Forgiveness isn't about what people deserve, forgiveness is about lifting the burden from your shoulders. Actively holding grudges eats at you, as you said. So basically, follow what seems to be the consensus, forgive but don't forget.