Have a question.
So I saw my girlfriend a few nights ago. The next day she contacted me and we talked for a while. I should've asked her out, but I didn't.
She texted me the next evening around 6pm, and said that depending on what her daughter and her friend were doing, that she might go out to a bar and get out for a bit.
She asked me if I knew who was playing there, and I told her. She never got back to me, and I don't know why?
In hindsight I think she may have been trying to get me to ask her out. And I wish to God I would have, but I didnt.
Does it sound like that is what she was trying to do?
If I was so, I didn't know. And by not asking her out, I may have come off as being uncaring, or as if I didn't want to see her. And I can assure you that that is far from the case!
I did in fact want to see her, but I wasn't sure what her plans were, if she was actually gonna be there or not, and she didn't get back to me so I wasn't really sure what to do.
Anyway, does it sound like a fucked up?
Comments
Yes you screwed up.
FUCK!!!! How do I fix this?
I called her, and I just kind of told her what happened. I told her that you know she never got back to me, so I wasn't sure if she was going to head over there or not. Because I knew her daughter was in town, and I know she probably want to spend as much time as she could with her, and I was trying to be sensitive to that. I apologize if I stood her up or anything like that and I said I hope to hear back from her.
And that was after I text her about an hour before, and I know that was a very stupid thing to do, but frankly I don't know what else to do.
So in essence, what I communicated to her was neediness. I communicated to her that I'm weak, and probably not good boyfriend material.
Fuck!!!!!!!!!!
Bruh. That's probably what she was getting at. See what her plans turned out to be and go from there. Best of luck, hun.
Women play mind games like this all the time. A text wondering who is playing somewhere is your cue to say ..."I don't know, perhaps we could go check it out." This keeps her from sounding needy and you from sounding needy by throwing in that cavalier sorta interested reply. This is called playing it cool.
Asking this collection of misfits on these forums is a desperate move...make sure she never sees this forum....ever. lol. Good luck though, hope you get it right.
Spend more time with her, less on forums?
First of all, this forum isn't the best for that kind of thing lol.
Yeah, I assume she wanted you to ask her out but just tell her what you think. It isn't a big deal at all.
I think you should just be honest with her at this point and tell her that you have some previous trust/vulnerability issues that you are working towards being better on (with emphasis on you being proactive towards working at self improvement), and that although you might not always put yourself out there, it does not mean that you are pushing her away or ignoring her. I'm not trying to scare you or anything as it's not even remotely near a tipping point right now, but if you keep over analyzing things like this while you are in a relationship in the long run, she might mistake your fear as coldness and distance if you don't communicate upfront at some point that you have some previous trust issues you are working towards being better at.
You can also communicate with her by asking her to be a little less ambiguous (not in a way that sounds accusatory towards her, but rather, just ask as a friendly request), and in turn, you can apologize for unintentionally coming across as distant. In addition to love, another important thing in relationships is trust. I am assuming she trusts you, but you don't seem to always trust yourself as it seems that you often make posts second guessing yourself or putting yourself at fault by hyper-scrutinizing your minor flaws or miscommunications. As I was alluding to earlier, she might pick up on that down the road, but in a way where she misinterprets it as you not trusting her as opposed to you not trusting yourself. To clarify, this is not your fault - I've picked up on some of your other posts that you have some anxieties from past events, rocky relationships with family, etc. That is not entirely your fault, but it does not have to define you now, as people can change. You can't change everything, but you can change how you respond to certain adversities.
It's like I've been saying - at some point, you just need to tell her that you have some previous trust issues that you are working towards improving on, and that she can help with a little more open communication. You need to give her a heads up that you are not intentionally pushing her away and keeping her distant, but rather, that you have some baggage you are working towards improving on and that it is not her fault if you seem distant at times as you are trying to make an effort to improve yourself. Of course, don't be an open book and spill every last intimate detail this early into a relationship, but use your social intuition to guide you towards sharing enough to get the general idea across for now - save more intimate details for later on in the relationship if it comes to that.
It sounds counter intuitive that owning up to your faults can be a good idea, but as I've touched upon in previous posts, being vulnerable and owning up to your faults with minimal shame or apprehension (and being self aware about it - which, in this case, means you need to be working towards self improvement) can actually be a good thing as it can indicate courage, as well as showing you are authentic and you have boundaries and convictions that you stand for. You've already started some of your progress toward being better just by opening up yourself enough to trust another person to be in a relationship with you in the first place. That's a good start, but if you don't acknowledge the elephant in the room, you might unintentionally sabotage yourself through making her feel as if you are pushing her away.
You still have plenty of time to fix things, but just food for thought, you know?
Abandon that mindset ASAP. Communicating with your girlfriend in a relationship is not needy. Standards are a little different before/after being in a relationship with someone.
As a different example, staying up all night and texting each other in a lengthy conversation is not "needy" if you are in a relationship, but if you just met someone and hardly have a connection with them, texting them all night could be weird unless you had a good reason to do so. Context is important, and in this case with you being in a relationship with someone, stuff like texting people more often is fine.
As I describe in my post below, overly analytical behavior like this can rub off onto the actual interactions you have with her, which can make you come off as cold and distant if you are not careful and if you don't learn to trust yourself.
Yes, you missed an opportunity. You already know this.
However, it's not something that needs to be "fixed." It's only a missed opportunity, not a relationship killer.
Just learn that when she says she's thinking about getting out and going somewhere, that's a sign that she might be hinting that you should ask to go with her, assuming you're interested.
And stop torturing yourself.
I think the only thing you can do is spend as much time as you can with her. Otherwise, you're SOL.
Hey, remember you made a thread telling everyone to be a man? You need to do the same thing!