At least your kid is lucky enough to have you I dont know you or the mom but people deal with things in different ways maybe she didn't feel ready to have a kid maybe she is depressed herself? You are looking after your kid alone but thats not something to be depressed or sad about you should pity the mom for missing out on such a important and special time and you should cherish you time with your kid and put all of your energy into nurturing your little bundle of joy dont waste energy self hating or despairing at the mom be a great dad instead
I'm broke and taking care of my kid and his mother is selfish and has abandoned us to party every night and live like she didn't have a chil… mored. I don't have many friends and the few close friends that I have are too busy in their own blossoming lives to listen to my woes. I feel like my life is pretty fucked and I'm really depressed. Don't even know why I'm posting here. I guess I'm desperate.
When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.
C.S. Lewis
When I was 17 I thought I was getting too old for stuff I didn't play much video games now im 27 and I play more than ever I laugh at puerile jokes and im generally a big kid growing up is boring and boring people do it to prove something to other boring people your not boring dont sweat it.
So I've been thinking a lot about my content. Thinking about rebranding or even giving up on YouTube, needless to say it's stressful. I'm no… moret doing well at all mentally. In fact suicide is a high priority on my brain right now, and I need to change a lot of things. I'm growing up. I'm not gonna be 17 forever, soon all of my childlike wonder and fun, and my fascination with Let's Plays will fade, hell I already hate Christmas and my love for Halloween is fading. And honestly that fucking terrifies me.
Because with age comes loss in my love for the simpler things, I become more serious, I've seen it happen to one of my closest friends, and eventually comes death. Yes I know I'm a long time away from that and I shouldn't be afraid of something so dumb, but I associate age with death. Be it my own or my loved ones. And I know deep down that after I die there's nothing, it's the end of consciousness. And it's honestly terrifying. And honestly, … [view original content]
Yeah she definitely wasn't ready and always uses the fact that she had a kid at a young age as an excuse to be away from us. It's easy to feel negative about myself and the situation, especially when she seems to be having fun and meeting many people, but I know that raising my kid is much more important and meaningful. You're right, I just need to focus my thoughts and energy on being a good dad. I also think she will come back around eventually, it's starting to feel like a phase.
At least your kid is lucky enough to have you I dont know you or the mom but people deal with things in different ways maybe she didn't feel… more ready to have a kid maybe she is depressed herself? You are looking after your kid alone but thats not something to be depressed or sad about you should pity the mom for missing out on such a important and special time and you should cherish you time with your kid and put all of your energy into nurturing your little bundle of joy dont waste energy self hating or despairing at the mom be a great dad instead
Maybe mom will mature someday, or maybe not, but you're definitely not alone in the struggling single parent category. If your friends can't relate, you might want to look for a support group, so you can hash things out with people who can.
You ever just have a bad week and then have a really bad night, and then completely out of nowhere, negating the kind of person you were raised to be and the kind of person you've always been, you say some really awful shit and hurt a lot of people in the process?
My personal opinion is that you are too young for that as in not mature enough. I know that mother nature prepares humans to reproduce at much younger age but that's another story.
You aren't even 16, why would you want a kid when you are one yourself?
My personal opinion is that you are too young for that as in not mature enough. I know that mother nature prepares humans to reproduce at much younger age but that's another story.
Haha fair enough.
You aren't even 16, why would you want a kid when you are one yourself?
My personal opinion is that you are too young for that as in not mature enough. I know that mother nature prepares humans to reproduce at mu… morech younger age but that's another story.
You aren't even 16, why would you want a kid when you are one yourself?
While this is small time, I'm in serious need to vent.
I'm just done with Overwatch. I dunno what happened, starting a few weeks ago suddenly I'm on the loosing end of every damn game I play. I make mistakes here and there but my teammates die faster than I do. I used to get so many wins and now I had 100 losses (not exaggerating) in a few weeks. You expect to lose here and there but it's nothing but losses with just a single win most of the time now. Every time I pop in the disc I hope for a better time but the game is like "lol fuk u bitch". It's starting to just make me depressed instead of angry. I love this game so much but I am unable to have fun with it.
I'm just done with it. It's not good for my health.
Gotta hand it to ya- problems like that can really cramp one's style.
...I'm so sorry. Try putting your hand on someone else's ice cream- the experience will double as a conversation starter.
awwwww yiss. Get ready, I'm gonna unleash 21 years of fucked up events. You might think it's a sob story or that I'm an attention whore, that's alright, idc much but all this happened.
Writing does make me feel a bit better.
Lets rewind to my childhood: Blank. Completely blank. I don't remember anything, except a few flashes. One of them goes like this
I think I was around 7-8 yo. I woke up and found the house empty, which is odd cause I've got a really big family. I made myself a cup of tea from the tap, I had no fuckin clue how to make it right tho. Anyways, I make my shitty tasting tea and fail miserably at making a sandwich. Funny...all this I remember clearly for some reason. Anyhow, I put my shitty tea in a tray and pick up my shitty sandwich and go downstairs to look for help with this shit. I hear loud voices. The stairs, I take a step. Louder. Step. Louder. Step. Louder.
Then, at the middle, I look under and find out what's making all the noise. My sister has a butchers cleaver and is trying to break the outside door, while mother and 2 of my other sisters are trying to stop her. I'm just watching...a couple of seconds pass. Then dear old dad shows up, grabs my sister by her hair and slams her head on the door, then proceeds to beat her. And I mean fucking beat her with everything he's got. Mom and my sisters try to get involved only to get hit and back off time and time again.
Here's another one..it was a family meeting aka "imminent neutron bomb". Talking, voices get louder. Dad then threatens to beat mom, infront of all of us. I'm the youngest, I was in the corner of the room with one of my other sisters; just a few years older than me. After the threats, my brother stands up and says he's gonna break his arm if he touches mom. A fight ensues, all the while my sister is crying and trying to hug me while I'm crying and trying to push her the fuck off me. They tell me when the fights started, I'd run and hide under the nearest bed, although I honestly don't remember that.
Fast forward..I'm 13 yo now. Things are just a bit better now. I met a girl, the daughter of my older sisters friend. Fucking god fucking damn. She's an angel in my eyes. The first moment I laid eyes on her I was so confused and shy. One night everyone went out..but she stayed with me in the house and we just talked and talked..just talked about silly shit.
I loved that night. That only made me sure that this girl and this girl only is my future wife. I held it in for years. Years.
At 15 YO// I start working out just because I wanted to impress her or some shit..idk, but the workouts were long and brutal. Was around 63kg with 9% bodyfat..yeah.
16 YO// We all went out together as a family. She was gonna travel for the summer. My head said fuck that. My heart said damn right, son, fuck that shit. It all came out. I couldn't stop myself..I told her how much I loved her, that she was the best thing I've ever seen, that her voice is music to my ears, that her gaze makes me a dumbass everytime I look in her eyes..then I proceeded to do some stupid ass shit just to make her laugh. She laughed..
She stayed silent. The next day she says that she just needs some time to think about it. Christ..fucking hell, she's the only person in my life that stayed with me and talked just because she felt like it. I held on too hard. Fuck me, right?
I told her okay. Take your time. Day in, day out, she never left my head. She traveled. Came back..and said that she couldn't. I got..angry? Maybe..idk.
I just told her that she wont find someone as loyal as me...going through hardships made me appreciate the good things in my life, and how hard I'd fight to keep them..and she was the best thing in my life.
I was broken. I was shattered. Drug use and alcohol consumption began. The first time I got wasted, I just went inside my sisters room, locked the door and said these words.
"She doesn't want me"
I started crying like a child. Could barely breathe. My sister started crying and patting my head for some reason (lol), but goddamn did it feel good. She said there's people better than her. More beautiful. Kinder. I said no...I don't care about any of them.
One fateful night..I took too much. Maybe it was on purpose. Maybe not. Acetaminophen and alcohol. I overdosed. My mom found out, gathered us all, because It was pretty fucking obvious I wasn't lookin healthy. Vomited and passed out in my own vomit. They tell me that my brother and sister carried me, put me in the car and sped to the hospital. I got through it. Barely. Being questioned by the doctors, by the police, my brother and sister telling me: are you happy now? look at what you did. Do you even give a second thought about mom and dad?
Fast forward..
17 YO// She came back..she found out about what happened and she came back to me. Our first kiss..I set up candles and roses everywhere, was outside under the moonlight.
Not ashamed to say this, the moment I saw her lips move, the moment I heard her say.."I love you", I shed a few tears and just froze. She kissed me. For a while..it was the best time of my life. I could finally sleep and rest, not haunted by nightmares or unable to because of insomnia.
I finally had someone to talk to. She got me a gift. The first gift ever in my life. It was...a new feeling. I did so much for her...I swear by all that is fucking holy, I sweat, I bled, and I worked for her..and was happy about it. One night I asked her a question...why she turned me down before. She said she didn't want anyone close to her at that time in her life..I asked her sister, and she told me the truth, that when she traveled, she was chasing after a guy..a guy which turned her down. Years..and after that guy, when she met another guy and fell in love with him. He died in a car accident. She never told me. Here I was...imagine my feeling. the 3rd. GG. The only one I've ever wanted to get close to. I sucked it up. I still showered her with gifts and affection..everytime she said she wanted something I'd surprise her with it. Talked about running away from everything and getting married. Always. Made plans, named our kids, talked about how the house is gonna be.
Then..well, I found out she was playing me. I was just a distraction...fuck I was stupid as hell. I was being played, and I'm not gonna delve into the meaning of that sentence.
One day..after a nasty fight, I ignored her for a couple of weeks..not before saying she was a traitor and a hurtful person. Everytime we fought, she'd curse at me. You ass, you diot, blah blah blah. I only replied with..and you're hurtful to me. Now, I'm no pushover, infact I got into alot of altercations but with her...it's just something I couldn't do. She was like me, you know? Not the picture perfect TV family, no. A family too close to reality. Towards the end of the relationship..I relapsed. Daily drug use, and some fucking heavy shit. It numbed me out. made me feel peaceful if only for a little while.
After some time...she sent me a message saying she was sorry..and finished it off with goodbye. I replied to her with this: My gifts? Burn the book, throw the ring, rip all the fucking roses to shreds, and cut the wings off of the butterfly, it's dead and never gonna fly. After that she just...disappeared. No calls, no texts, no visits, no nothing. I'm angry..because I wasn't strong enough to disappear out of her life like she did to me.
So..present time. It's 3:09AM, I'm sitting here with no plans to the future, no intention or motivation to workout or get a job, no intention of finding "love" aka bullshit, and my inhibitions right now are lower than fuck all, else I woulndt be venting my life story.
All in all, life isn't fair. Shit happens. I'm alive; wish I wasn't, really really wish I wasn't, but I don't think the easy way out is whats in store for me. My past is the evidence.
While this is small time, I'm in serious need to vent.
I'm just done with Overwatch. I dunno what happened, starting a few weeks ago sudd… moreenly I'm on the loosing end of every damn game I play. I make mistakes here and there but my teammates die faster than I do. I used to get so many wins and now I had 100 losses (not exaggerating) in a few weeks. You expect to lose here and there but it's nothing but losses with just a single win most of the time now. Every time I pop in the disc I hope for a better time but the game is like "lol fuk u bitch". It's starting to just make me depressed instead of angry. I love this game so much but I am unable to have fun with it.
I'm just done with it. It's not good for my health.
She was a kid and still figuring out romance herself. Don't take it as something against you.
It sounds like you need to get your own life together first. Don't worry about her or any other women at the moment.
If exercise feels good, let that be the motivation, not the need to impress anyone.
If you don't have a job or a girlfriend, what are your current living arrangements? Are you still living with your parents? The ones who fought for your entire life? Wouldn't you like to get out of that? Let that be a motivation for finding a job.
Maybe someday you'll reconcile with her, but don't let that be your goal. You might also never see her again, and that's OK. It's just whatever happens.
awwwww yiss. Get ready, I'm gonna unleash 21 years of fucked up events. You might think it's a sob story or that I'm an attention whore, tha… moret's alright, idc much but all this happened.
Writing does make me feel a bit better.
Lets rewind to my childhood: Blank. Completely blank. I don't remember anything, except a few flashes. One of them goes like this
I think I was around 7-8 yo. I woke up and found the house empty, which is odd cause I've got a really big family. I made myself a cup of tea from the tap, I had no fuckin clue how to make it right tho. Anyways, I make my shitty tasting tea and fail miserably at making a sandwich. Funny...all this I remember clearly for some reason. Anyhow, I put my shitty tea in a tray and pick up my shitty sandwich and go downstairs to look for help with this shit. I hear loud voices. The stairs, I take a step. Louder. Step. Louder. Step. Louder.
Then, at the middle, I look under and find out what's… [view original content]
As Warpspeed said, you need to accept and love yourself before you try and let others in. It's not a corny cliche as most people think - rather, it means that if you don't accept yourself, that you will instead try to find acceptance, love, or whatever else you lack in other people since you cannot find it in yourself. Over time, you come to unintentionally and subconsciously rely on other people to provide you with emotional needs that you can't currently meet on your own. Later, when they inevitably do not meet your expectations of providing you with what you want, you will subconsciously come to resent them. (The section towards the end of your post with you lashing out towards your crush (ex?) shows that pretty abundantly.)
If you resent them, you will eventually sabotage any personal relationships through feeling that your expectations are not being met. By relying on others to feel good about yourself, you inadvertently create a conditional relationship, and with a few exceptions such as parents raising children, setting such hefty expectations on other people to meet your needs can usually be selfish. You will also likely attract other people without self respect, which will create an unhealthy relationship dynamic with both people looking to find in others what they cannot provide for themselves, and later becoming resentful when said unwritten expectations are not met.
Your circumstances are not fair, and you don't deserve what happened to you. However, you can control how you respond to the situation you are given. Instead of trying to fix what is out of your control, focus instead on taking responsibility of what is in your control. It might be a bitter pill to swallow at first, but in the long run, it can be liberating if you accept that by being responsible for your response to a bad situation, you can also choose to make changes for the better, as it's never too late to change. Change will be slow and you will have to take baby steps, but good things come to those who wait.
Overtime, once you accept yourself, you will hopefully find yourself being resilient and self-sufficient. Instead of trying to find love or acceptance from other people, you will come to hopefully respect yourself. Once you respect yourself, you will not constantly worry about having to rely on fleeting relationships with other people to feel good about yourself. Since the resentment towards others for not meeting your unwritten expectations will be largely diminished, you will not be as likely to self sabotage your relationships. By virtue of having self esteem, you will probably be more inclined to take up other means of improving your life situation, like getting hobbies, getting a good job, making connections with friends or acquaintances, etc - all of which are good ways of attracting a romantic partner. You will also carry yourself better, as people will be able to pick up on the subtleties of your self respect, resiliency, etc. Not to mention, overcoming bad life situations can in several cases build character - not that I am saying that to dismiss your unfortunate situation or patronize you, but hopefully you understand the idea.
awwwww yiss. Get ready, I'm gonna unleash 21 years of fucked up events. You might think it's a sob story or that I'm an attention whore, tha… moret's alright, idc much but all this happened.
Writing does make me feel a bit better.
Lets rewind to my childhood: Blank. Completely blank. I don't remember anything, except a few flashes. One of them goes like this
I think I was around 7-8 yo. I woke up and found the house empty, which is odd cause I've got a really big family. I made myself a cup of tea from the tap, I had no fuckin clue how to make it right tho. Anyways, I make my shitty tasting tea and fail miserably at making a sandwich. Funny...all this I remember clearly for some reason. Anyhow, I put my shitty tea in a tray and pick up my shitty sandwich and go downstairs to look for help with this shit. I hear loud voices. The stairs, I take a step. Louder. Step. Louder. Step. Louder.
Then, at the middle, I look under and find out what's… [view original content]
Yeah..I was a kid, too. I'm just 1 year older than her. After 10, maybe 20 years, she'll look back at everything we did together and probably brush it off saying it's teenage drama. Me? I'll look back and find nothing but pain, shame and humiliation. The first girl (and only girl I ever approached, honestly) did that shit to me.
Wow.
She was a kid and still figuring out romance herself. Don't take it as something against you.
It sounds like you need to get you… morer own life together first. Don't worry about her or any other women at the moment.
If exercise feels good, let that be the motivation, not the need to impress anyone.
If you don't have a job or a girlfriend, what are your current living arrangements? Are you still living with your parents? The ones who fought for your entire life? Wouldn't you like to get out of that? Let that be a motivation for finding a job.
Maybe someday you'll reconcile with her, but don't let that be your goal. You might also never see her again, and that's OK. It's just whatever happens.
honestly, I don't have the faintest idea of how to start doing that. And yeah, actually you were right on point with saying I sabotaged it.
I remember her telling me I start trouble with her just to feel something. Goddamn, looking back and thinking hard about it, I was (still?) an emotional trainwreck.
Still..with all our fights I never did anything like she did to me. Least I'm loyal. and holy fucking shit. I just realized something. I pushed her away. She's just as fucked up as me, but still I'm the instigator. I remember now. I told her that she's just lying to herself about loving me. At times, I manipulated her..and she did the same to me.
I was so impulsive with her around. It was 3AM one night, we were texting (we talked and texted everyday for 9-13 hours a day minimum), and she said she was hungry. She loved McDonalds. I actually shut off my phone, bought some and went to her house. Somehow that night ended up with us almost doing it a couple of feet away from her front door
I should probably mention, we..were polar opposites. I'm introverted and solitary, she's extroverted and hates solitude. I'm reflective and philosophical at times, she's well..no other word than this, but somewhat shallow. Didn't like the same music, movies, anything really. Still..I really did love her. I think the only reason the relationship started was because she wanted someone to validate her..while I needed someone to get close to. Shit..her body is bruised..just like me. Her father's a royal cunt.
I'm digressing.
you need to accept and love yourself
How?
EDIT // I just loved myself twice, that's the only way I know how to do it. :v
what's your way?
As Warpspeed said, you need to accept and love yourself before you try and let others in. It's not a corny cliche as most people think - rat… moreher, it means that if you don't accept yourself, that you will instead try to find acceptance, love, or whatever else you lack in other people since you cannot find it in yourself. Over time, you come to unintentionally and subconsciously rely on other people to provide you with emotional needs that you can't currently meet on your own. Later, when they inevitably do not meet your expectations of providing you with what you want, you will subconsciously come to resent them. (The section towards the end of your post with you lashing out towards your crush (ex?) shows that pretty abundantly.)
If you resent them, you will eventually sabotage any personal relationships through feeling that your expectations are not being met. By relying on others to feel good about yourself, you inadvertently create a cond… [view original content]
That's the thing, man. After all this bullshit my motivation is in the negatives. Right now, I honestly don't want a high-paying job, I'd be fine working at a boring ass dead end job in the middle of bumfuck nowhere for the rest of my life. Don't want a girlfriend or a wife; not interested in money or having kids.
I used to play PC games, watch movies and TV shows. Worked out like a fucking maniac and was happy with it. Now? I don't care.
It's just not fun anymore. No joy = no drive, without the drive somehow the joy decreases and by some fucking miracle I feel less motivated. I don't even know how that's possible.
It changes fast though. Depressed and having trouble getting out of bed on most days, but there comes a day or two every once in a while that everything flips upside down. Happiness and energy for no reason at all. I wish I could make it last longer..I really do.
Wow.
She was a kid and still figuring out romance herself. Don't take it as something against you.
It sounds like you need to get you… morer own life together first. Don't worry about her or any other women at the moment.
If exercise feels good, let that be the motivation, not the need to impress anyone.
If you don't have a job or a girlfriend, what are your current living arrangements? Are you still living with your parents? The ones who fought for your entire life? Wouldn't you like to get out of that? Let that be a motivation for finding a job.
Maybe someday you'll reconcile with her, but don't let that be your goal. You might also never see her again, and that's OK. It's just whatever happens.
When I first moved into my flat there was no heating so I set up a tent in the living room and filled it with every soft thing I owned including my dog and snuggled up in there it was great
That sounds manic-depressive. I'm not a doctor so can't officially diagnose that, though. If you're willing to see one, he/she might be able to do something about it.
That's the thing, man. After all this bullshit my motivation is in the negatives. Right now, I honestly don't want a high-paying job, I'd be… more fine working at a boring ass dead end job in the middle of bumfuck nowhere for the rest of my life. Don't want a girlfriend or a wife; not interested in money or having kids.
I used to play PC games, watch movies and TV shows. Worked out like a fucking maniac and was happy with it. Now? I don't care.
It's just not fun anymore. No joy = no drive, without the drive somehow the joy decreases and by some fucking miracle I feel less motivated. I don't even know how that's possible.
It changes fast though. Depressed and having trouble getting out of bed on most days, but there comes a day or two every once in a while that everything flips upside down. Happiness and energy for no reason at all. I wish I could make it last longer..I really do.
There used to be these kinder surprise things from about 2002
Football crazy chocolate mad
Grab a power pod and play football with the lads
Theres a micro star in every pack
A hero in your hand
They're the greatest players from the best teams in the land
There used to be these kinder surprise things from about 2002
Football crazy chocolate mad
Grab a power pod and play football with the l… moreads
Theres a micro star in every pack
A hero in your hand
They're the greatest players from the best teams in the land
I dont even like football
Man, so many times have I gotten into debates in real life and online, and I have been insulted every time. Can't just once someone have a debate without insulting someone? It's starting to irritate me. Especially when it happens in real life.
Comments
I am sad, until now I no married any man after. I never ever, I forget my story. My face is not sad, but inside, I am sad.
Gotta hand it to ya- problems like that can really cramp one's style.
...I'm so sorry. Try putting your hand on someone else's ice cream- the experience will double as a conversation starter.
Thanks, it really is
Because a high school kid having a kid...is um...not cool.
Sounds like my sister's Albanian in-laws.
At least your kid is lucky enough to have you I dont know you or the mom but people deal with things in different ways maybe she didn't feel ready to have a kid maybe she is depressed herself? You are looking after your kid alone but thats not something to be depressed or sad about you should pity the mom for missing out on such a important and special time and you should cherish you time with your kid and put all of your energy into nurturing your little bundle of joy dont waste energy self hating or despairing at the mom be a great dad instead
When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.
C.S. Lewis
When I was 17 I thought I was getting too old for stuff I didn't play much video games now im 27 and I play more than ever I laugh at puerile jokes and im generally a big kid growing up is boring and boring people do it to prove something to other boring people your not boring dont sweat it.
NEVER!!!I WILL NOT IGNORE IT!!!
I DEMAND TO KNOW THE DETAILS!!! ROAR IM A ANGRY DINOSAUR! !!
Yeah she definitely wasn't ready and always uses the fact that she had a kid at a young age as an excuse to be away from us. It's easy to feel negative about myself and the situation, especially when she seems to be having fun and meeting many people, but I know that raising my kid is much more important and meaningful. You're right, I just need to focus my thoughts and energy on being a good dad. I also think she will come back around eventually, it's starting to feel like a phase.
I think she'll mature soon. It's definitely not easy having nobody else to talk to about things, I may look into a group.
Lemme guess. You think it's weird because having sex before marriage is a sin?
You ever just have a bad week and then have a really bad night, and then completely out of nowhere, negating the kind of person you were raised to be and the kind of person you've always been, you say some really awful shit and hurt a lot of people in the process?
This has been one of those nights.
Or because you're still technically a kid. (Right?)
LMAOOOO.
You're still in high school. I wouldn't want anyone that age have a child.
Albania?
I'm 15 and 3/4.
Pfft. My parents had me when they were, like, 18.
What makes me having one any different?
Heh, we're nearly the same age.
Haha aw thanks bro
Np
My personal opinion is that you are too young for that as in not mature enough. I know that mother nature prepares humans to reproduce at much younger age but that's another story.
You aren't even 16, why would you want a kid when you are one yourself?
Haha fair enough.
I never said I wanted a kid...yet.
While this is small time, I'm in serious need to vent.
I'm just done with Overwatch. I dunno what happened, starting a few weeks ago suddenly I'm on the loosing end of every damn game I play. I make mistakes here and there but my teammates die faster than I do. I used to get so many wins and now I had 100 losses (not exaggerating) in a few weeks. You expect to lose here and there but it's nothing but losses with just a single win most of the time now. Every time I pop in the disc I hope for a better time but the game is like "lol fuk u bitch". It's starting to just make me depressed instead of angry. I love this game so much but I am unable to have fun with it.
I'm just done with it. It's not good for my health.
heheh That was a good one. Thanks.
awwwww yiss. Get ready, I'm gonna unleash 21 years of fucked up events. You might think it's a sob story or that I'm an attention whore, that's alright, idc much but all this happened.
Writing does make me feel a bit better.
Lets rewind to my childhood: Blank. Completely blank. I don't remember anything, except a few flashes. One of them goes like this
I think I was around 7-8 yo. I woke up and found the house empty, which is odd cause I've got a really big family. I made myself a cup of tea from the tap, I had no fuckin clue how to make it right tho. Anyways, I make my shitty tasting tea and fail miserably at making a sandwich. Funny...all this I remember clearly for some reason. Anyhow, I put my shitty tea in a tray and pick up my shitty sandwich and go downstairs to look for help with this shit. I hear loud voices. The stairs, I take a step. Louder. Step. Louder. Step. Louder.
Then, at the middle, I look under and find out what's making all the noise. My sister has a butchers cleaver and is trying to break the outside door, while mother and 2 of my other sisters are trying to stop her. I'm just watching...a couple of seconds pass. Then dear old dad shows up, grabs my sister by her hair and slams her head on the door, then proceeds to beat her. And I mean fucking beat her with everything he's got. Mom and my sisters try to get involved only to get hit and back off time and time again.
Here's another one..it was a family meeting aka "imminent neutron bomb". Talking, voices get louder. Dad then threatens to beat mom, infront of all of us. I'm the youngest, I was in the corner of the room with one of my other sisters; just a few years older than me. After the threats, my brother stands up and says he's gonna break his arm if he touches mom. A fight ensues, all the while my sister is crying and trying to hug me while I'm crying and trying to push her the fuck off me. They tell me when the fights started, I'd run and hide under the nearest bed, although I honestly don't remember that.
Fast forward..I'm 13 yo now. Things are just a bit better now. I met a girl, the daughter of my older sisters friend. Fucking god fucking damn. She's an angel in my eyes. The first moment I laid eyes on her I was so confused and shy. One night everyone went out..but she stayed with me in the house and we just talked and talked..just talked about silly shit.
I loved that night. That only made me sure that this girl and this girl only is my future wife. I held it in for years. Years.
At 15 YO// I start working out just because I wanted to impress her or some shit..idk, but the workouts were long and brutal. Was around 63kg with 9% bodyfat..yeah.
16 YO// We all went out together as a family. She was gonna travel for the summer. My head said fuck that. My heart said damn right, son, fuck that shit. It all came out. I couldn't stop myself..I told her how much I loved her, that she was the best thing I've ever seen, that her voice is music to my ears, that her gaze makes me a dumbass everytime I look in her eyes..then I proceeded to do some stupid ass shit just to make her laugh. She laughed..
She stayed silent. The next day she says that she just needs some time to think about it. Christ..fucking hell, she's the only person in my life that stayed with me and talked just because she felt like it. I held on too hard. Fuck me, right?
I told her okay. Take your time. Day in, day out, she never left my head. She traveled. Came back..and said that she couldn't. I got..angry? Maybe..idk.
I just told her that she wont find someone as loyal as me...going through hardships made me appreciate the good things in my life, and how hard I'd fight to keep them..and she was the best thing in my life.
I was broken. I was shattered. Drug use and alcohol consumption began. The first time I got wasted, I just went inside my sisters room, locked the door and said these words.
"She doesn't want me"
I started crying like a child. Could barely breathe. My sister started crying and patting my head for some reason (lol), but goddamn did it feel good. She said there's people better than her. More beautiful. Kinder. I said no...I don't care about any of them.
One fateful night..I took too much. Maybe it was on purpose. Maybe not. Acetaminophen and alcohol. I overdosed. My mom found out, gathered us all, because It was pretty fucking obvious I wasn't lookin healthy. Vomited and passed out in my own vomit. They tell me that my brother and sister carried me, put me in the car and sped to the hospital. I got through it. Barely. Being questioned by the doctors, by the police, my brother and sister telling me: are you happy now? look at what you did. Do you even give a second thought about mom and dad?
Fast forward..
17 YO// She came back..she found out about what happened and she came back to me. Our first kiss..I set up candles and roses everywhere, was outside under the moonlight.
Not ashamed to say this, the moment I saw her lips move, the moment I heard her say.."I love you", I shed a few tears and just froze. She kissed me. For a while..it was the best time of my life. I could finally sleep and rest, not haunted by nightmares or unable to because of insomnia.
I finally had someone to talk to. She got me a gift. The first gift ever in my life. It was...a new feeling. I did so much for her...I swear by all that is fucking holy, I sweat, I bled, and I worked for her..and was happy about it. One night I asked her a question...why she turned me down before. She said she didn't want anyone close to her at that time in her life..I asked her sister, and she told me the truth, that when she traveled, she was chasing after a guy..a guy which turned her down. Years..and after that guy, when she met another guy and fell in love with him. He died in a car accident. She never told me. Here I was...imagine my feeling. the 3rd. GG. The only one I've ever wanted to get close to. I sucked it up. I still showered her with gifts and affection..everytime she said she wanted something I'd surprise her with it. Talked about running away from everything and getting married. Always. Made plans, named our kids, talked about how the house is gonna be.
Then..well, I found out she was playing me. I was just a distraction...fuck I was stupid as hell. I was being played, and I'm not gonna delve into the meaning of that sentence.
One day..after a nasty fight, I ignored her for a couple of weeks..not before saying she was a traitor and a hurtful person. Everytime we fought, she'd curse at me. You ass, you diot, blah blah blah. I only replied with..and you're hurtful to me. Now, I'm no pushover, infact I got into alot of altercations but with her...it's just something I couldn't do. She was like me, you know? Not the picture perfect TV family, no. A family too close to reality. Towards the end of the relationship..I relapsed. Daily drug use, and some fucking heavy shit. It numbed me out. made me feel peaceful if only for a little while.
After some time...she sent me a message saying she was sorry..and finished it off with goodbye. I replied to her with this: My gifts? Burn the book, throw the ring, rip all the fucking roses to shreds, and cut the wings off of the butterfly, it's dead and never gonna fly. After that she just...disappeared. No calls, no texts, no visits, no nothing. I'm angry..because I wasn't strong enough to disappear out of her life like she did to me.
So..present time. It's 3:09AM, I'm sitting here with no plans to the future, no intention or motivation to workout or get a job, no intention of finding "love" aka bullshit, and my inhibitions right now are lower than fuck all, else I woulndt be venting my life story.
All in all, life isn't fair. Shit happens. I'm alive; wish I wasn't, really really wish I wasn't, but I don't think the easy way out is whats in store for me. My past is the evidence.
Yeah, games are supposed to be fun. If there's one that's not, stop playing it.
Wow.
She was a kid and still figuring out romance herself. Don't take it as something against you.
It sounds like you need to get your own life together first. Don't worry about her or any other women at the moment.
If exercise feels good, let that be the motivation, not the need to impress anyone.
If you don't have a job or a girlfriend, what are your current living arrangements? Are you still living with your parents? The ones who fought for your entire life? Wouldn't you like to get out of that? Let that be a motivation for finding a job.
Maybe someday you'll reconcile with her, but don't let that be your goal. You might also never see her again, and that's OK. It's just whatever happens.
As Warpspeed said, you need to accept and love yourself before you try and let others in. It's not a corny cliche as most people think - rather, it means that if you don't accept yourself, that you will instead try to find acceptance, love, or whatever else you lack in other people since you cannot find it in yourself. Over time, you come to unintentionally and subconsciously rely on other people to provide you with emotional needs that you can't currently meet on your own. Later, when they inevitably do not meet your expectations of providing you with what you want, you will subconsciously come to resent them. (The section towards the end of your post with you lashing out towards your crush (ex?) shows that pretty abundantly.)
If you resent them, you will eventually sabotage any personal relationships through feeling that your expectations are not being met. By relying on others to feel good about yourself, you inadvertently create a conditional relationship, and with a few exceptions such as parents raising children, setting such hefty expectations on other people to meet your needs can usually be selfish. You will also likely attract other people without self respect, which will create an unhealthy relationship dynamic with both people looking to find in others what they cannot provide for themselves, and later becoming resentful when said unwritten expectations are not met.
Your circumstances are not fair, and you don't deserve what happened to you. However, you can control how you respond to the situation you are given. Instead of trying to fix what is out of your control, focus instead on taking responsibility of what is in your control. It might be a bitter pill to swallow at first, but in the long run, it can be liberating if you accept that by being responsible for your response to a bad situation, you can also choose to make changes for the better, as it's never too late to change. Change will be slow and you will have to take baby steps, but good things come to those who wait.
Overtime, once you accept yourself, you will hopefully find yourself being resilient and self-sufficient. Instead of trying to find love or acceptance from other people, you will come to hopefully respect yourself. Once you respect yourself, you will not constantly worry about having to rely on fleeting relationships with other people to feel good about yourself. Since the resentment towards others for not meeting your unwritten expectations will be largely diminished, you will not be as likely to self sabotage your relationships. By virtue of having self esteem, you will probably be more inclined to take up other means of improving your life situation, like getting hobbies, getting a good job, making connections with friends or acquaintances, etc - all of which are good ways of attracting a romantic partner. You will also carry yourself better, as people will be able to pick up on the subtleties of your self respect, resiliency, etc. Not to mention, overcoming bad life situations can in several cases build character - not that I am saying that to dismiss your unfortunate situation or patronize you, but hopefully you understand the idea.
Yeah..I was a kid, too. I'm just 1 year older than her. After 10, maybe 20 years, she'll look back at everything we did together and probably brush it off saying it's teenage drama. Me? I'll look back and find nothing but pain, shame and humiliation. The first girl (and only girl I ever approached, honestly) did that shit to me.
woops - sorry bout that. double comment.
honestly, I don't have the faintest idea of how to start doing that. And yeah, actually you were right on point with saying I sabotaged it.
I remember her telling me I start trouble with her just to feel something. Goddamn, looking back and thinking hard about it, I was (still?) an emotional trainwreck.
Still..with all our fights I never did anything like she did to me. Least I'm loyal. and holy fucking shit. I just realized something. I pushed her away. She's just as fucked up as me, but still I'm the instigator. I remember now. I told her that she's just lying to herself about loving me. At times, I manipulated her..and she did the same to me.
I was so impulsive with her around. It was 3AM one night, we were texting (we talked and texted everyday for 9-13 hours a day minimum), and she said she was hungry. She loved McDonalds. I actually shut off my phone, bought some and went to her house. Somehow that night ended up with us almost doing it a couple of feet away from her front door
I should probably mention, we..were polar opposites. I'm introverted and solitary, she's extroverted and hates solitude. I'm reflective and philosophical at times, she's well..no other word than this, but somewhat shallow. Didn't like the same music, movies, anything really. Still..I really did love her. I think the only reason the relationship started was because she wanted someone to validate her..while I needed someone to get close to. Shit..her body is bruised..just like me. Her father's a royal cunt.
I'm digressing.
How?
EDIT // I just loved myself twice, that's the only way I know how to do it. :v
what's your way?
That's the thing, man. After all this bullshit my motivation is in the negatives. Right now, I honestly don't want a high-paying job, I'd be fine working at a boring ass dead end job in the middle of bumfuck nowhere for the rest of my life. Don't want a girlfriend or a wife; not interested in money or having kids.
I used to play PC games, watch movies and TV shows. Worked out like a fucking maniac and was happy with it. Now? I don't care.
It's just not fun anymore. No joy = no drive, without the drive somehow the joy decreases and by some fucking miracle I feel less motivated. I don't even know how that's possible.
It changes fast though. Depressed and having trouble getting out of bed on most days, but there comes a day or two every once in a while that everything flips upside down. Happiness and energy for no reason at all. I wish I could make it last longer..I really do.
It's freezing and we have no heating. Brill
When I first moved into my flat there was no heating so I set up a tent in the living room and filled it with every soft thing I owned including my dog and snuggled up in there it was great
I'm still wondering how I managed to memorize a commercial about Bratz Big Babyz from when I was 7. What the actual hell?
That sounds manic-depressive. I'm not a doctor so can't officially diagnose that, though. If you're willing to see one, he/she might be able to do something about it.
There used to be these kinder surprise things from about 2002
Football crazy chocolate mad
Grab a power pod and play football with the lads
Theres a micro star in every pack
A hero in your hand
They're the greatest players from the best teams in the land
I dont even like football
Do you remember Pokemon Tazos in Walkers crisps back in 2001? I used to love those things cause they always smelt of salt and vinegar.
People are fucking boring!
Man, so many times have I gotten into debates in real life and online, and I have been insulted every time. Can't just once someone have a debate without insulting someone? It's starting to irritate me. Especially when it happens in real life.