Social Skills Thread.
Since I've been on here, I've noticed that some have expressed comments about not having good social skills.
Some by saying they perhaps don't have any friends, or that they they are awkward, or feel that they are awkward.
Anyway, because of having felt this way as a kid, I took it upon myself to research some articles that might be of help to those of who perhaps feel that way, or who perhaps struggle socially.
This is not intended to offend, but rather to try and help.
To help you improve as individuals, so that you may have a chance to have which is the inalienable right of every human being who has ever been born, or will be born, to have the opportunity to have an exciting and good life.
Feel free to leave any comments about the article, anything that perhaps stood out to you.
And feel free to do so without worrying about being judged.
Enjoy!
You're Not Alone If You're Socially Awkward, And There's Hope Of Improving
This site has received its share of feedback over the years, and two fairly common responses I've gotten through email are: "I've literally thought some of the exact things described in the site. Sometimes I believed I was the only person who ever looked at the world that way.
It's a relief to realize I'm not the only one, and that I'm not some totally messed up weirdo because of it."
"This site gave me hope I that I could improve my social situation and get past my awkwardness. If no one else, the person who put this site together did it, so it shows that it can be done."Using those two responses as inspiration, this article is going to go into more detail about why those two points are true. It's not totally strange to struggle with social awkwardness, and it is something that can be improved.
Social awkwardness is pretty common
Feeling shy, not being good at making conversation, being unable to make friends, feeling anxious and insecure around others - however you want to define "social awkwardness" it's an issue that a ton of people struggle with. Everyone feels uncomfortable in at least some social situations. It's totally human. The numbers can vary a bit depending on your source, but something like half of the population reports they have some problems with shyness.
Okay, you may be thinking, but what about real, hardcore social awkwardness? Forget those types who have tons of friends and fascinating lives who call themselves "shy" because they occasionally don't know what to say around a bunch of people they haven't met before. That doesn't really count.
What about those who barely have a social life? Who are crippled by anxiety and self-doubt? Who spend every evening after work trying to distract themselves from their loneliness? Who everyone rejects and thinks is weird? Who can barely get through a two minute conversation?
People who are very socially awkward are proportionately rarer. However in the grand scheme of things they're not exactly uncommon either. Let's say someone has a level of social difficulties that puts them among the 1% most awkward individuals.
If that person lives in a city of 400,000 that means there are still 4000 people in their area alone that are going through the same thing.
That's millions and millions of other people on their continent. They may be spread out, but they're everywhere. They're having the same thoughts and worries and insecurities, and feeling confused and frustrated by identical situations. Even the thoughts and behaviors you have that you suspect may be totally esoteric and unique to you are probably shared to many, many others.
Now that the internet is around it makes it way easier to confirm that all those other socially awkward people are out there. There are popular sites, blogs, and discussion forums devoted entirely to helping their audience overcome various social difficulties. If you type a problem you're having into Google it's almost guaranteed you'll find a bunch of results about the exact same thing.
By their nature social issues are isolating.
They're also something where it's often fairly simple to hide the full extent of your difficulties from others (e.g., by literally staying inside most of the time and falling off the radar, by not letting on to your classmates that you never have any plans on the weekend). It's easy to feel like you're the only one experiencing what you're going through. You spend a lot of time alone, thinking about how flawed you are. You're too embarrassed to bring up your issues with the people who are in your life. Because they're concealing it too, you can't see it when someone else is also having a hard time in social situations.
And of course people don't generally think in terms of, "Even if I'm in the 10% most awkward group, that means there are tons of people like me out there." Instead they go by their own experience, which seems to tell them they're really wrestling with this stuff, and everyone else seems to have never had a problem with it.
So it's all well and good that someone may not be alone in their social awkwardness, even if it's at a seemingly extreme level. Just knowing that may be a relief to a lot of people. However if there wasn't anything they could do about it, hearing, "You're not alone" may not provide all that much comfort. Fortunately, they have plenty of options.
Social awkwardness can be improved
Exhibit A would be the many people who will tell you they used to be really shy or awkward or isolated when they were younger, and who have now mostly moved past it. I'm one of those people myself. The late bloomer path is not an unusual one to take through life.
Exhibit B would be the research done by psychologists and other mental health professionals that show that issues such as shyness, social skills weaknesses, and Social Anxiety Disorder are quite treatable. There are some mental health concerns that don't have the best prognosis. The ones related to social awkwardness aren't in that category. That's not to say it's not sometimes a lengthy or difficult process to make improvements, but the potential is there.
The reason the outlook is so good is that social problems are often related to skills deficits or fears and anxiety. If someone has a skills deficit, probably because they missed out on a bunch of social experience when they were younger, they can consciously practice and make up for lost time. Like with picking up any new skill, it feel ungainly at first, but it can be done. It's not that some people have it, and others don't, and if you don't have good social skills by a certain age then you should just give up.
Fears and anxiety are also something where if you work at it you can take a huge bite out of them. There are some pretty established, effective ways to deal with that issue. Specific phobias are one of the more treatable psychological conditions. Another big player in social awkwardness are feelings of insecurity and low self-confidence. There are ways to address those barriers as well.
Also, by improving your skills and getting past your fears, you'll rack up more positive experiences, which will naturally work to increase your confidence. Some social issues are also fed by inaccurate, sabotaging beliefs about the world. That's yet another area that can be corrected.
Sometimes a person will change their attitude just by being exposed to another perspective. They'll immediately recognize a mistake in their thinking they had been making. At other times their worldview is more ingrained, but by having new, positive experiences, it will eventually weaken and be replaced by a more constructive one.
While there are plenty of reasons to be optimistic, none of this is to downplay or minimize how difficult working on their social issues may be for some people, or how discouraged they may be if they already feel like they've tried really hard with little to show for it. I'll admit some people will have a much harder time improving their social situation than others. However, for your typical person struggling with social awkwardness, I feel totally confident in saying that if they work on it things are likely to improve.
Comments
The cure for social awkwardness :
Smile at everyone you meet
To me, this was the trick that really started to break things open. I would often meet people and have no clue how to react, so I would just stand there quietly with a blank face and not say much initially. What I later found out is that most people wrote me off pretty quickly and that I had to actually make up significant ground through other actions in order to give them an overall positive impression of me. The technique that works best for me is thinking about what really makes me happiest, and that’s playing with my son – I imagine doing something completely playful with him and that brings out a smile every time. Practice by smiling at people in public places, particularly if you have a brush with them – you’re going near them in the same aisle at the store, or you happen to make eye contact with them. Here’s an extensive guide to smiling.
Practice conversing with people you don’t know
I used to just clam up in an unfamiliar environment, but what I’ve found is that if you make polite conversation with people at every opportunity, it becomes much easier to open up and converse. Any situation you’re in where you’re surrounded by people you don’t know at all or don’t know well – a conference, a trip on the bus, a line at the coffee shop, or your spouse’s extended family reunion, to name a few – can be used to practice conversation. Take advantage of these opportunities and strike up a conversation with someone who appears idle. Even if you completely bungle it, the worst thing that happens is that you sit back, think about how you bungled it, and move on from there. Many of the remaining tips are advice on how to make a conversation like this go well.
When you talk to someone, look them directly in the eye
This was another trait that was difficult for me to master – I tend to want to look away from people, mostly because my mother pounded into my head over and over again that it’s impolite to stare, so I kept reducing it to the point where I didn’t even want to look at other people. This conclusion is patently ridiculous – when someone else is speaking or when you’re speaking to one specific person, you should look them directly in the eye. It indicates interest in the other person, while looking away without a clear purpose often indicates boredom and disinterest. Again, this is easy to practice whenever you have a chance to try conversing with others.
4. Memorize names, faces, and information – memorize people
I find it very useful to find online pictures of people that I will potentially have contact with in order to see their face and associate it with their name. It comes up useful time and time again – if you can come up with someone’s name in an initial introduction or in a second meeting, you’ve gone a long way to make them feel good about themselves as well as about you. Before conferences or other meetings where I’m going to actually have to remember a lot of names and faces, I actually have made what amounts to flashcards so that I can recall quickly who’s who based on face alone, recalling their name and a key thing or two about them.
When you’re about to have a meal, invite someone to eat with you
Meals are almost always a way to disarm people and make conversation easier. Whenever you’re thinking of dining alone, make it a point to try to dine with someone else, even if it’s just a friend. If I’m at a conference, for example, I never ever allow myself to eat a meal alone – there’s always someone worth talking to, even if it’s just someone I happened to meet during the normal course of the day.
Ask questions
If you don’t know what to talk about, think of the first (polite) thing you’d like to know about the person you’re talking with and ask. What are their hobbies? What do they think about a particular article they’re reading? Do they have any kids? This is particularly easy if you’re at a meeting, because you generally have the topic of the meeting in common, as well as the meeting itself.
Practice shaking hands
Having a bad handshake is a no-no – you don’t want to have a limp handshake, nor a “death grip” one (the latter used to be my problem). I found that the best way to practice this was to simply ask a few close friends for help and shake their hands several times. It was one of my friends that informed me that I had a death grip shake, which I didn’t even realize but came to know later that others also thought it was extremely aggressive and that it sent awkward signals (think about it – I would shake with a death grip, look away from people, and not talk). Know how to shake with an appropriate firmness and be sure to do it when you meet someone, particularly in a professional situation (though local customs may frown on handshaking, it is universally appropriate in the United States).
No, but seriously. I have been fighting social anxiety my whole ife. I don't really know why I have it. I feel like I really improved in the last few months because I've finally started doing something about it. I wanted to do a fresh start with my life on university, which I have succeded to a degree.
I dread meeting new people. I really love to meet people tho. I want to be friends with almost everyone. For example, someone sat with in class. I was too afraid to even look at them, much less meet them and start a conversation.I've noticed that most of my conversations end up in awkward silence unless there's a topic both sides are passionate about, which is rare.
Mostly, I'm scared of girls. Yes, it sounds weird coming from an adult guy, but it's true. I try to understand that they're just human like everyone else, but I just can't. It's like I'm always trying to impress them, but keep failing.
I talk to a dozen people on week days. I would consider them my friends. But the fact is, when the weekend comes, it's like I don't even exist. No texts of any kind. Sometimes, I question myself if I really need a phone.
And then there is Facebook. That's basically my trigger for anxiety. I'm always scared to go there.Scared to see myfriends going out partying, drinking, having fun. Especially scared to see my crush postings, which are rare, (thank goodness.) This is really weird to me because I'm an introvert. I don't like social outings, I despise parties, I hate drinking and I really hate crowds.
So, I'm not really sure how to proceed with life. On one hand I'm jelaous of friends partying, but I don't really want to party. I don't know what I want in the end, and that's what's irritating me.
Charisma is the key. I'm the kind of person who can talk with anyone, about just about anything. I tell a joke to someone on my right, we laugh, when he walks away he says "See ya man." Girls, guys, teachers, random people in the store, you need to be confident. As I said to one of my friends before a test, "You got to be an overconfident arrogant sonuvabitch." Overconfidence is always better than underconfidence. Pay attention when they speak, flash a smile.
Although there are some social situations I abhor, like parties (I'm just not into parties in general, unless it's something really fun like laser tag), I generally do well. I wish I could say the same for my little brother though.
I have rather poor social skills. Whenever I interact with people (if they interact with me at all, that is), I either interact like a loud-mouthed buffoon or have nothing to say. I hardly have any charisma.
I used to be really shy, but I found the best way to improve social skills is to keep talking to people. Just talking to everyone on this forum can improve social skills a lot. Be proud of your feelings and feel free to express them articulately.
Well, this is coming from a person who used to be really shy, even too much. I'm not some social butterfly now but it got better (thank God).
Don't have a serious face all the time, smiling really does help. Sometimes you don't even feel like it but at least try or something. I myself like when people I meet are cheerful and chilled out so I had always wanted to be at least relaxed, not uncomfortable and anxious all the time.
Try to be confident, don't always doubt yourself and overthink if what you've just said is stupid and wrong, just let it go (no pun intended). We all make mistakes and screw up but it doesn't mean you have to give up and pity yourself. Do the opposite.
Share some funny experiences when you're trying to make a friend, they're always good to hear.
When you're invited somewhere, whether it is a birthday party or just a walk, try to accept as more offers as you can. You'll experience something new, which is a gain. Maybe it will turn out to be bad, but hey, at least it'll teach you something, like everything that happens to you. Just do not think you're gonna embarrass yourself and decide to stay home instead and try not to be afraid of talking to people.
Invite sometimes somebody over, if they reject you it isn't the end of the world. Don't let others always do the first move, you've gotta do it too.
When first meeting a completely new person, try to find what they like, about their hobbies, career, opnions, thoughts etc but you can every once in a while add your own opinion on the subject you are talking about, so it doesn't sound like you're interrogating that person lol.
If you're having a bad day don't let it ruin everything for you and don't just brush off and ignore others. Think of something you like, you are looking forward to, when feeling down while you're talking to somebody. I'm sure you wouldn't want to be around someone who is pissed off and gloomy so try to leave that for later.
Hopefully this will help somebody. I don't have much friends, to be honest, but I can casually talk to other people and always find something interesting to talk about, instead of just staying silent and somehow blow it off.
EDIT : Typos. Also, it's nice to see a thread about this here, I like it.
Good advices, I agree with everything you said.
Social skills are a myth, like Atlantis, Zeus, and the female orgasm.
"unless there's a topic both sides are passionate about, which is rare."
There's the solution! Try to broaden the field of those topics, try to find more interests for yourself. Thus you'll be able to talk with more people.
That helped me. And one thing more: being a girl I can only note that there's no need to impress, just be nice. Hope you'll find a way to enjoy social life. Society is what makes us humans.
I wouldn't say I have bad social skills, I'd just say that I don't want any more people to talk to right now. I'm comfortable with the people around me right now and I don't need to converse with anyone else unless need be.
Wait, Atlantis is just a myth?
I would try to find more interests, but the general topics here are sports and crazy, heavy-drinking parties, none of which interest me in any way.
Here's a thought, maybe other people ought to broaden their field of interest.
And yes, society does make us human. I can fully agree on that. And for that 'just be nice' part, I can honestly say you couldn't be more wrong. Girls these days, especially the nice ones, don't really like nice guys. I'm talking from experience here.
Well, it's loosely based on something in reality, unlike the other two.
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I'm sorry to hear that. I can only wonder, if those girls are not nice to those who are nice to them, why do you call them 'nice'?
Whoa
THE PLOT TWIST!
I had those problems as a child and as teenager, but with time it got better. Nothing is a better help to you than your hobbies and achievements. The real trick is in doing what really interests YOU, not something that everyone consider cool or fashionable. Thus you'll find people with the same interests and talking to them will be easy. And when you're happy, more and more things will become thrilling to you, and you will be able to find common topics everywhere.
Fiona is pretty much 'nice' to Rhys, don't you think? And I heard that in some playthroughs Sasha is too grins
I always had problems with my social skills, from childhood to adulthood. I'm not comfortable among strangers, it makes me say stupid things (totally blocks my brain, I'm not an idiot normally), but silence feels worse. My biggest enemies are phone calls. I can't really explain why but I hate it, and it makes me so damn nervous just to call someone or answer a call.
I think the key is to push yourself, go and meet new people and try to talk to them. So I applied for a job where I'm forced to talk to people 12 hours a day, also phone calls (yuck). It's gonna be either my doom or salvation from this shyness, anxiety and lack of confidence. I hope it'll work.
It works, but don't be too hard on yourself in the beginning. A work which required calling people helped me a lot! I wish you all luck!
Social awkwardness and anxiety can't be summed up as just "Oh, this person is just too lazy to meet people", or "Maybe if they actually tried..." There could be many underlying problems that cause someone to feel stress in public places, such as agoraphobia (something I personally suffer from). It's important to get to the bottom of these issues first and foremost because, though they might want to connect with others in a public environment, they simply can't.
Self-confidence issues can also play a big part in social anxiety. They could feel like they aren't worth the effort of others, or that they're bothering every single person they interact with, or they wonder why someone would possibly want to talk to them. There must be somebody funnier or more interesting, right? It's not easy to overcome low self-esteem, but by reminding yourself constantly that you are just like everyone else and that there are valid reasons that people want to talk to you, you'll realize that everyone is far too busy focusing on themselves and how they act in public that 99% of the time they don't bother spending time wondering if they could be talking to someone else instead of you. No one will be obsessing over your slip-ups or awkwardness. You know why? They're too busy worrying that they'll make a mistake too!
I'll have my good days and bad days of my social anxiety. The greatest advice (which most people have said here), no matter how hard it is, is to push yourself. I can be a little awkward, not always great at keeping up conversation, but I've found people who don't care about how difficult I can be sometimes. Whenever I'm meeting any new people, as my work requires me to meet new people all the time, I just remind myself to try and have a positive outlook and to be friendly to everyone I meet on my travels, kindness is key! I'm sure you're all extra-awesome, super, beautiful, human beings, you got this bros!!
I don't want to pretend to care. I don't mean this thread, the thread is interesting.
If I show emotion it's because it's genuine, not because others expect it. Fake smiling doesn't look good and kind of creeps me out.
This video goes well with the topic and plus it's Vsauce, that man can make everything interesting.
Edit: Anddd, I screwed up. Here's the link to the video:
Thanks