Need some advice to know I´m not crazy (personal relationship problems)
So, i went into the vent thread to get some problems of my back, thinking that if I scream them into the internet they will be gone, but the post got so big that I decide to go on a full thread and see if anyone can help me or at least tell me "don´t wory, you´re not the bad guy here". So...with a little bit of fear to "undress" myself on the internet, here it goes (and excuse my english since I´m no expert): I keep having dreams involving a friend that became "girlfriend" for a few weeks till she dumped me with bullshit reasons only to ended up with another guy.
I knew her for 10 years, and in the last 2 prior to "date" we had become extremely close, a month before "dating" I even use to send her pictures of the parties I went tell her "whish you were here with me" or even "you tell me where you want me and fuck this party and all this people". A week before "dating" we sleep together (no sex, just same bed) hugged and she wrote on a paper "you make me have butterflies in my stomach", and i as still not trying anything with her because I was thinking that I would destroy a great friendship. You have to understand that I´m a very romantic person, I do believe in true love, not the one they sell in movies that is instant and nonlogical, but the one you cultivate, care and make growth. Sadly, my romantic life is a mess, I lost my virginity with a prostitute at age 19 on drugs, and from there my entire romantic life has being divided into girls that I have dated but at some point we stop seeing each other before even a month went way and not doing anything, or I meet someone we sleep together "one night stand" style and then we keep on friendly terms but I usually don´t pursue this girls neither do they pursue me, so, for the most part, I always believed myself to be destined to be alone or be that guy girls know and think is supersexy and hot but then ignore him when they found out he´s also a real person.
Back to this particular girl: She made me believe that she was having a mental breakdown and was going to a psychiatrist once a month that was unable to start a relationship or have sex, I spend 4 weeks worry as fuck, trying to give her something to cheer up: Constant jokes, seeing us from time to time to talk, to ask her to keep pursuing her university degree, asking her about her day and always trying to watch the positive side of everything for her, even when I was having a REAL mental breakdown from 4 weeks of watching a person that i care about treating me colder and colder by the minute. She didn´t want to do anything with me, dates have to be minuted because she was busy "studding" and we could only seeing ourselves once a week, which most of the time we spend with she complaining that another one of our friends was suspicious that we where dating, because she didn´t want people to know (at first I agree because I though it was hot to lie and touch ourselves and kiss in hidden places, but eventually the truth was clear). One night, i decided to cook for her, nothing complicated, a fruit salad and a few more things plus a white wine bottle in the beach at night, specifying to her that I wasn´t trying anything over romantic, I was just tired that in the few dates we had we couldn´t do anything for fear that somebody that we know will see us, that I was scared to frighting her with such a romantic gesture so she should think of it as a friend helping her to relax, not a boyfriend doing the movies, that day I speak till I bleed from my mouth while she just stared at me in silence for hours. After we broke up we still keep kissing and seeing each other, I didn´t knew what i was doing wrong or right, then one day she stops answering my message, I hear from a friend that he saw her on a pub with a guy he knows that usually girls find attractive, she told me he was her friend and i believe her, and intimidatingly she say that we shouldn´t kiss or see each other any more for a while. Didn´t liked the idea but accepted, because at that moment i believe fully in her and her words about not feeling well and not wanting to be bothered by guys, she even said so to one of my best lady friends, that she also knows, and I even did get to have a fight with a guy friend that told me she was a bitch that was probably already with another guy, that she would be capable of fucking that guy in front of my and lie me about it and was such a loser for her that I would have believe her.
Turns out, it was all a fucking lie. After a month of not seeing each other because she didn´t wanted I asked to see me because I was really down with personal problems, I spend an entire month asking her to hear me out each single week, and each single week she told me that she was there for me and we could see ourselves X day only to turn off her telephone or plain ignore it that day, then a quick excuse (never sorry) and a "next week then". Tired of everything I, after 3 months in total getting crazier and crazier over a person that hurt me at every single chance, simply told her that if she didn´t talk to me I would assume she was out of my life forever. This was the day of christmas. That day I found out the truth, she told me she was indeed seeing another guy, that all those things she told me about not feeling to relationships was true at that moment, that she though that we had a chance and it was over and therefor she will never date me again but wanted me to be his friend... you know, classic "I´m fucking you but don´t want to feel guilty about it" conversation. She told me that everything has is moment, and in that moment she didn´t feel to have a relationship but a few weeks later she did (forget to mention, she use to go to the same house she found her new boyfriends even before breaking with me, I have come to believe that she dated both of us and eventually decided to choose the other guy), enraged I simply ask "are you fucking tell me that if I had tried to date you just one week later we´ll be together?" and she just answer "Maybe". My rage reach it´s top, and after months of keeping all in I vomit it all, I didn´t insult her or anything, I just told her that she had play with me to get out of her depression and one she was out she moved on, that while every single time we meet I listen to her problems and try to help her, even after breaking up, she just couldn´t even be honest with me and tell me she was dating another guy, but rather told me one month later and just because I threaten her to speak with me. I told her that I regret having ever kissed his poisoned lips and ask her if she regret it too, she told me yes and in that moment I just walked away.
Haven´t seeing her since. For the looks of it, she has me blocked on the phone, probably has already delete all conversations we had, she probably even had burned a pendrive I gave her once full of movies after she ask for it and then she told me she wasn´t watching those movies because "I don´t really watch movies" and I just eat all of that and more. Everything was the opposite of what she told, if ever told, and even what she told she could change it the next time I see her. Suddenly this person that for already 12 years I consider a good person, or at least to have some decency and empathy, was in my eyes one of the worst human being I have known. And the worst is that even in that finale moment, she keep saying that I was the only men to ever threat her so good, you know what I did to threat her so good? When she had to study I said "ok, you study and we´ll see each other next week". This is a person that had at least 7 long term relationships in her life, all of them of at least a year and none of those men ever supported on anything, she was just a vagina to them and they couldn´t care less about the person, and the only guy that ever did so not according to me but herself and this also includes the guy she left me for or that at least started dating her around 3 weeks after breaking up with my that second time, was ignored completely regardless of anything. We dated for a month and a half plus the rest of that half second month we still kissed and everything, in that time we had around 6 "dates", most of those were short and like I said we talked about stupid stuff. She wasn´t studying and 3 days after our first break up (the real one in reality) she completely abandon that lie and finally came honest and said she was going to leave her university (where she has spend 10 years trying to get her degree and the 7 boyfriends who did never even supported that she went to class, as some of those boyfriends even make her fail on some years as they forced her to not fo classes and stuff like that), and since our mutual friends, the ones that made parties we she and I will encounter, left the country to move to another place, I have hardly any way to know about her life.
Now this is the part that I need help with: I have try to condense the whole story and show you all the relevant parts. Now, while both are ignoring the other, it´s imminent that by the summer those mutual friends will come back to visit their families, and a reunion party will be launched. I have already told some of my other friends, friends that will go to that party, that I do not want to go there to see her, which they have not taking kindly and call me all short of things (they are different men than I am, the kind of guys that date girls while dreaming with another girls and call them all bitches in the back, we all know that kid of asshole that sadly gets more girlfriends than any other type of men), but the truth is, I really love those friends than went overboard and I haven´t seeing in almost a year, I miss them deeply, and I do not want the relationship with this girl taint that, even tough she is actually more friendly with those friends that I am since they know each other since childhood.
And this is the sad part: I´m not even 12 or 15, I´m a men, a full grown men that feels an incompetent child when it comes to relationships and feels that after so many hits and this one that is big as hell, I don´t have many shoots at love, ´cause if the next one fails I´m going to simply ignore my heart till the day I die and I´m already at that age where most of your friends start to have children and all that jazz.
What do you think? Should I run or face it? Should I call her and insult her till all my blood is quiet or just wait patiently till the day I finally she her again and I can tell to her face "you´re not worth even the ephor" ? I would really like to hear some opinions because it´s being 4 months since all this and I still think of her every day, I have nightmares where she fucks my friends or just random people I know in front of me, and my mental state is even affecting my real life since I´m unemployed and I don´t even have the strength to go out and find for a new job, or new people to meet including who I may be interested in.
Comments
Sorry for such a long post by the by, it´s difficult to open yourself and say "it´s enough" when that waterfall is open.
She's moved on. You should, too. You'll still think about her sometimes, even years later. Remember the friendship and the good times, while realizing it did end badly. What she does now is no longer relevant and does not reflect on you. Let her be.
For the gathering, if she's going to be there, and you're not going to be able to handle that, then don't go. You can tell your friends that you'd love to see them and really wish you could come, but right now, you're not in a good place, and your presence will not be positive. Wish them a happy gathering, even if it's with her, and say you'll catch them all another time.
Learn to be easy-going. It's the only way out.
Having children isn't the end goal of life nor is it a requirement, for example I myself have already decided that I'm never having any, which might ruin a lot of relationships but what can you do.
Just forget this girl, you have no reason to know anything about her personal life, don't be that obsessive ex. I don't know about the party, on one hand if you don't go she'll probably ruin your reputation and twist the whole story to your friends since she sounds like a complete bitch, so going to protect your honor would be a pretty good reason. Course if it was me I wouldn't go, avoiding your ex is something you need to do after a breakup, just like arrange a rendezvous with your friends without the girl another day and catch them up on everything.
I'm definitely not as old as you, and definitely not as experienced as a lot of other people here, but I would take the girl out of my mind. Join a group or an organization that I can devote my time and energy on. Do a little soul searching maybe, as much as I dislike that term! But all I truly know for certain, is that I could never feel 100% comfortable and in love with a girl that's constantly ignoring and giving excuses.
Sorry you had to go through all this, though. Every person is a mystery.