Silly, unfinished and pointless bit of "fanfiction?"
Wow, i just stumbled back on that crap.
I don't even remember the details, but sometime during the release of season two, there was a contest in which you had to submit pieces of fanart being related to both sam & max and halloween.
Being pretty lame at pretty much any kind of "graphic" stuff, i thought i could try and write a short story featuring our favourite dog and rabbity thing... And pretty soon got bored with it, so i never finished it, never sent it and quickly forgotten it altogether. Now i just found it back, and reread it just for the sake of it, and thought it was not SO bad. So heck, it sure is FAR from pullitzer material and it's pretty useless but i thought why not just post it on here.
As i said, it's not finished, and i even forgot what i even planned to do with this "introduction" (not that i had much "planned" back then anyway), and also, not being a native english speaker, i guess it might sound awkward sometimes, but if anyone cares to bother reading it i'd actually appreciate any advice
Who knows, maybe someday i'll feel like trying and finishing it.
But hey, here's the crap anyway.
It all started on a dark and stormy night.
The moon, hidden as it was behind a huge, turnip-shaped cloud, hardly managed to lit in quite a gloomy way the land which lay underneath. Shadows were everywhere, the country was a silent desert, and the casual observer, had he survived the thick, toxic air saturated with boredom which seemed to radiate from the place, could have sworn that no living thing ever had or ever would tread on this remote part of Earth.
A cople of ravens flew away, proving this casual idiot wrong. And then a third one. Take THAT, you worthless-paranoïd ignorant ! No living thing, uh ? Well, what's that thing whose howls are now running your blood cold, then ? The devil's kettle, maybe, whistling to announce the long awaited, apocaliptic flood of tea ? C'mon, man... And what about that bunch of shapeless but friendly ectoplasms, whose translucid bodies you can spot, if you look hard enough, creeping around that dead old tree just over there ? No way dude, everyone knows that ghosts only exist in the carribean.
Oh, and since no soul ever dared coming here, then who built that nice indian pet cemetary on the top of that rocky hill, the one which contains exactly 666 antique pagan tombs, uh, who did, smarty pants ? Who built that dreadfull manor which just got illuminated by a sudden flash of lightning ?
AND WHO THE HELL IS PLAYING THAT ACHY-BREAKY HEART COUNTRY SH... Oh wait...
The not-so-casual and fearless observer had now spoted something. Up there in the cloudy sky. Something quite tiny at first, but which quickly grew bigger and bigger. Something which actually grew so big within a few minutes, that it soon eclipsed the moon itself.
Something that was getting nearer and nearer, until the noise it made could cover even an angry step-mother.
Something that definitely WAS scary. The casual victim began to run...
The thing landed on the ground at high speed, bounced a few times as it violently hit the dusty road and quickly rushed off, leaving two long streaks of flames behind it. At the center of the small crater the first impact had just dug up, an anonymous body lay enjoying the experience of being knocked out by heavy stuff falling on your head (an experience often refered to as "Newton's Enlightenment"). By its side a smashed up radio kept playing the same annoying song, the chorus of which was now rising again above the thunderous roar of the yet-unidentified-but-surprisingly-car-like vehicule's engine.
-"Holy jar filled with the very milk of mother nature along with some low priced tomato sauce, the dog at the wheel said, Max, I think we just landed on our schizophrenic narrator's overly rational personality !
- Yay ! "Death from Above" is my favourite game, sam ! Let's play it again !"
The said Sam turned to look behind him while preventing the neurotic, rabitty hairball which sat by his side to eat the rear-view mirror.
-"Do you think he'll be allright ? he asked.
- Who cares ? He wasn't even a real character anyway !
- You crack me up, Lil' buddy !"
A few miles and a lot of shrieking later, the old DeSoto parked at the door of a dilapidated mansion which stood not far from the road. On the front wall, blocking up a window, was a sign that read :
"Count Alucard's Country Inn. NO Customer has lost a single drop o' blood since -at least- last summer."
Max jumped out of the car, looked around him and burped.
-"Why have we stopped, Sam ? He said. You know I start acting like some random rabid rabbit whenever i'm not enjoying the whip of the wind flapping against my cute furry face as we run towards our common, unpredictable and dreadful fate !"
He recited his line solemnly, posing and trying to look cute, and then burped again.
-"Well, you ARE a rabid rabbit, Max. And I've stopped so we can ask directions inside this lovely little restaurant here, for I have no idea where we are.
- Does that really matters ?
- Absolutely not, but i'm also getting hungry."
The six-feet tall anthropomorphic dog, having now stepped out of the car as well, steadily started for the wooden door, arranging his tie as he went. The porch was covered in dust, and its worm-eaten planks creaked loudly when Sam walked upon them. The whole house looked as if it had been uninhabited for years. Sam raised his hand towards the door...
...Which opened before he actually knocked, revealing a tall and dark figure standing behind it. Lightning struck and thunder roared as it spoke, the eerie sound of its voice dominating the furious blowing of the wind.
-"Goot Effening, Rthtrangers !"
A short and anxious silence followed.
-"Er.. Evening. EvVvening... Max corrected.
- Vat Can I Do for Yoo ? the skinny guy went on without paying attention.
- I'm Sam, Sam said, And here's Max (Max waved in a silly way). We're freelance police !"
The pale man's eyes narrowed, until they were no more than a pair of very thin and shiny slits.
-"Freelanthe polithe, uh ?
- Yeah. Basically that means we're allowed to be the worst thugs ever, but somehow remain the good guys whatever happens", Max explained, his eyes wet with all the love and devotion he had for his job. "And we also get free stuff in gas stations ! He added.
- I thee...
- Look, Sam began, we just wanna eat and drink something, white bread, chicken, coke, whatever, and then we'd like to ask you..."
Somewhere inside the house a phone rang.
It all went just as if a bomb had just blowed up.
-"Yeah ? Yeah ? Huhu... Okay.. No way ? Well I'll tell him, yeah, see you next time !"
The whole room was a battlefield. It looked like a bar room whose owners had had to surrender after an entire night of fighting against an army of drunkards who had been promised free drinks. There wasn't a single table still standing, and several of them were broken. The floor was covered in splinters of glass, most of which came from the large mirror that once ran behind the bar. Sam was on the phone, while Max was slowly getting up from under a pile of chairs at the other end of the room, rubbing his head.
-"Damn it ! I almost got it..." he cursed.
Sam hung up.
-"Was it the commissioner ?
- No, Max, I think we're both a little bit too conditioned about that whole phone fighting thing.
- Vell vho vath it then ?" Asked the man who had opened the door, now stepping into the main room. Aparently he didn't mind much about the mess the two cops had caused. Or maybe he understood that they always got away with that kind of things.
-"No clue, Sam said. But whoever it was asked for some Count Alucard guy.
- Vell that'th me, and I'm able to anthfer my phone callth mythelf, you know. Vat did he thay ?"
The owner of the place sighed. Now that he was in the weak light of the room, one could see that his inability to pronounce an S properly was mainly caused by a pair of long canines that stuck out on both sides of his mouth. Obviously the man had not taken much care of his teeth during his childhood.
-"I gueth vooever it vath vill be calling back, then. Are you two thtaying for the night ? He said.
- NO WAY ! Max suddenly yelled. Allright, Sam, let's stop pretending we don't know this is all another lame halloween wanna-be-scary story, I'm defintely NOT spending the night with a god damn vampire near me !
- Hey, I think you just got a little bit out of character there, Max, Sam replied.
- TO HELL WITH IT ! I'm just a rabbit, Sam, and I'm not paid enough to handle THIS !"
Count Alucard rolled his eyes and sighed again.
-"Hafe no fear... I'm a fampire, right, but I'm also a fegetarian one.
- Vegetarian ? Sam enquired. You mean, you suck the sap out of plants for your sustenance or something ?"
- Yeth, that's about right.
- VEGGIE VAMPIE ? SAM, LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE !!!"
A few hours later, the hairy duo sat at a table, enjoying the weird stew their host had served them. Max had at first refused to touch it, until Sam told him it contained bits of kittens and and some other random but cute stuff. He was now finishing his third plate.
-"Are you feeling better now about that vampire guy, lil' buddy ?
- Who's affraid of a vampire, Sam ? Remember, I'm a mighty teenage mutant ninja rabbit ! I ain't affraid of no creature of the night !
- Well then, what were you up to earlier, then ?
- Don't tell anyone, but i think our part-time writer was just getting bored at the previous scene.
- Well I'm sure getting bored of his lame attempts to break the fourth wall, Sam ushered.
(and yeah, it ends here, shamelessely, right in the middle of a scene
)
I don't even remember the details, but sometime during the release of season two, there was a contest in which you had to submit pieces of fanart being related to both sam & max and halloween.
Being pretty lame at pretty much any kind of "graphic" stuff, i thought i could try and write a short story featuring our favourite dog and rabbity thing... And pretty soon got bored with it, so i never finished it, never sent it and quickly forgotten it altogether. Now i just found it back, and reread it just for the sake of it, and thought it was not SO bad. So heck, it sure is FAR from pullitzer material and it's pretty useless but i thought why not just post it on here.
As i said, it's not finished, and i even forgot what i even planned to do with this "introduction" (not that i had much "planned" back then anyway), and also, not being a native english speaker, i guess it might sound awkward sometimes, but if anyone cares to bother reading it i'd actually appreciate any advice
Who knows, maybe someday i'll feel like trying and finishing it.But hey, here's the crap anyway.
It all started on a dark and stormy night.
The moon, hidden as it was behind a huge, turnip-shaped cloud, hardly managed to lit in quite a gloomy way the land which lay underneath. Shadows were everywhere, the country was a silent desert, and the casual observer, had he survived the thick, toxic air saturated with boredom which seemed to radiate from the place, could have sworn that no living thing ever had or ever would tread on this remote part of Earth.
A cople of ravens flew away, proving this casual idiot wrong. And then a third one. Take THAT, you worthless-paranoïd ignorant ! No living thing, uh ? Well, what's that thing whose howls are now running your blood cold, then ? The devil's kettle, maybe, whistling to announce the long awaited, apocaliptic flood of tea ? C'mon, man... And what about that bunch of shapeless but friendly ectoplasms, whose translucid bodies you can spot, if you look hard enough, creeping around that dead old tree just over there ? No way dude, everyone knows that ghosts only exist in the carribean.
Oh, and since no soul ever dared coming here, then who built that nice indian pet cemetary on the top of that rocky hill, the one which contains exactly 666 antique pagan tombs, uh, who did, smarty pants ? Who built that dreadfull manor which just got illuminated by a sudden flash of lightning ?
AND WHO THE HELL IS PLAYING THAT ACHY-BREAKY HEART COUNTRY SH... Oh wait...
The not-so-casual and fearless observer had now spoted something. Up there in the cloudy sky. Something quite tiny at first, but which quickly grew bigger and bigger. Something which actually grew so big within a few minutes, that it soon eclipsed the moon itself.
Something that was getting nearer and nearer, until the noise it made could cover even an angry step-mother.
Something that definitely WAS scary. The casual victim began to run...
The thing landed on the ground at high speed, bounced a few times as it violently hit the dusty road and quickly rushed off, leaving two long streaks of flames behind it. At the center of the small crater the first impact had just dug up, an anonymous body lay enjoying the experience of being knocked out by heavy stuff falling on your head (an experience often refered to as "Newton's Enlightenment"). By its side a smashed up radio kept playing the same annoying song, the chorus of which was now rising again above the thunderous roar of the yet-unidentified-but-surprisingly-car-like vehicule's engine.
-"Holy jar filled with the very milk of mother nature along with some low priced tomato sauce, the dog at the wheel said, Max, I think we just landed on our schizophrenic narrator's overly rational personality !
- Yay ! "Death from Above" is my favourite game, sam ! Let's play it again !"
The said Sam turned to look behind him while preventing the neurotic, rabitty hairball which sat by his side to eat the rear-view mirror.
-"Do you think he'll be allright ? he asked.
- Who cares ? He wasn't even a real character anyway !
- You crack me up, Lil' buddy !"
A few miles and a lot of shrieking later, the old DeSoto parked at the door of a dilapidated mansion which stood not far from the road. On the front wall, blocking up a window, was a sign that read :
"Count Alucard's Country Inn. NO Customer has lost a single drop o' blood since -at least- last summer."
Max jumped out of the car, looked around him and burped.
-"Why have we stopped, Sam ? He said. You know I start acting like some random rabid rabbit whenever i'm not enjoying the whip of the wind flapping against my cute furry face as we run towards our common, unpredictable and dreadful fate !"
He recited his line solemnly, posing and trying to look cute, and then burped again.
-"Well, you ARE a rabid rabbit, Max. And I've stopped so we can ask directions inside this lovely little restaurant here, for I have no idea where we are.
- Does that really matters ?
- Absolutely not, but i'm also getting hungry."
The six-feet tall anthropomorphic dog, having now stepped out of the car as well, steadily started for the wooden door, arranging his tie as he went. The porch was covered in dust, and its worm-eaten planks creaked loudly when Sam walked upon them. The whole house looked as if it had been uninhabited for years. Sam raised his hand towards the door...
...Which opened before he actually knocked, revealing a tall and dark figure standing behind it. Lightning struck and thunder roared as it spoke, the eerie sound of its voice dominating the furious blowing of the wind.
-"Goot Effening, Rthtrangers !"
A short and anxious silence followed.
-"Er.. Evening. EvVvening... Max corrected.
- Vat Can I Do for Yoo ? the skinny guy went on without paying attention.
- I'm Sam, Sam said, And here's Max (Max waved in a silly way). We're freelance police !"
The pale man's eyes narrowed, until they were no more than a pair of very thin and shiny slits.
-"Freelanthe polithe, uh ?
- Yeah. Basically that means we're allowed to be the worst thugs ever, but somehow remain the good guys whatever happens", Max explained, his eyes wet with all the love and devotion he had for his job. "And we also get free stuff in gas stations ! He added.
- I thee...
- Look, Sam began, we just wanna eat and drink something, white bread, chicken, coke, whatever, and then we'd like to ask you..."
Somewhere inside the house a phone rang.
It all went just as if a bomb had just blowed up.
-"Yeah ? Yeah ? Huhu... Okay.. No way ? Well I'll tell him, yeah, see you next time !"
The whole room was a battlefield. It looked like a bar room whose owners had had to surrender after an entire night of fighting against an army of drunkards who had been promised free drinks. There wasn't a single table still standing, and several of them were broken. The floor was covered in splinters of glass, most of which came from the large mirror that once ran behind the bar. Sam was on the phone, while Max was slowly getting up from under a pile of chairs at the other end of the room, rubbing his head.
-"Damn it ! I almost got it..." he cursed.
Sam hung up.
-"Was it the commissioner ?
- No, Max, I think we're both a little bit too conditioned about that whole phone fighting thing.
- Vell vho vath it then ?" Asked the man who had opened the door, now stepping into the main room. Aparently he didn't mind much about the mess the two cops had caused. Or maybe he understood that they always got away with that kind of things.
-"No clue, Sam said. But whoever it was asked for some Count Alucard guy.
- Vell that'th me, and I'm able to anthfer my phone callth mythelf, you know. Vat did he thay ?"
The owner of the place sighed. Now that he was in the weak light of the room, one could see that his inability to pronounce an S properly was mainly caused by a pair of long canines that stuck out on both sides of his mouth. Obviously the man had not taken much care of his teeth during his childhood.
-"I gueth vooever it vath vill be calling back, then. Are you two thtaying for the night ? He said.
- NO WAY ! Max suddenly yelled. Allright, Sam, let's stop pretending we don't know this is all another lame halloween wanna-be-scary story, I'm defintely NOT spending the night with a god damn vampire near me !
- Hey, I think you just got a little bit out of character there, Max, Sam replied.
- TO HELL WITH IT ! I'm just a rabbit, Sam, and I'm not paid enough to handle THIS !"
Count Alucard rolled his eyes and sighed again.
-"Hafe no fear... I'm a fampire, right, but I'm also a fegetarian one.
- Vegetarian ? Sam enquired. You mean, you suck the sap out of plants for your sustenance or something ?"
- Yeth, that's about right.
- VEGGIE VAMPIE ? SAM, LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE !!!"
A few hours later, the hairy duo sat at a table, enjoying the weird stew their host had served them. Max had at first refused to touch it, until Sam told him it contained bits of kittens and and some other random but cute stuff. He was now finishing his third plate.
-"Are you feeling better now about that vampire guy, lil' buddy ?
- Who's affraid of a vampire, Sam ? Remember, I'm a mighty teenage mutant ninja rabbit ! I ain't affraid of no creature of the night !
- Well then, what were you up to earlier, then ?
- Don't tell anyone, but i think our part-time writer was just getting bored at the previous scene.
- Well I'm sure getting bored of his lame attempts to break the fourth wall, Sam ushered.
(and yeah, it ends here, shamelessely, right in the middle of a scene
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Comments
But indicating dialogue with a - is kind of awkward and difficult to read in English. Using "" for each character works better.
That was my favourite line.
O_o
Sorry about that... I admit i didn't really bother about that, and since that kind of conventions tends to change from language to language i can understand how it would seem weird...
Yeah, i was planning to sue them, until i realized i'd have a hard time proving they had actually read it, since i never sent it
But since i was already trying to rip off Terry Pratchett on that one, i guess it's alright
Terry Pratchett is quite good. Though I've only read the Colour of Magic, Maurice and his amazing rodents, and Small Gods. I wish I could get my hands on more, but there's like 40 something books. :eek:
Small gods if among my favourites, but there's a lot of other great ones in the discworld series