The Joke thread (Unofficial)
I know a few jokes..
why did the turkey cross the road?.... Because the chicken was on Vatican!
What do you call a clock that's on a belt?.... A waste of time!
Why do cars smell bad?... Because they have gas!
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Comments
whats the difference between harry potter and a jew ?
harry potter escaped the chamber
(im definitely going to hell)
lol
What do you get when you mix a joke with a rhetorical question?
Why do people hate cliffhangers?
What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
The pizza doesn't scream when I put it in the oven.
(See you there buddy)
[removed]
My sister bet me a £100 I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
Should have seen her face as I drove pasta!
Why did the old woman fall down the well?
She couldn't see that well.
Where does the three legged horse live?
In the unstable.
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the building on the other side.
I once was in a band called 1023 megabytes, but we never got a gig.
Why does my PC say hello? Because it's a Dell.
I once had a dream where I was drowning in a Coca Cola river. Turned out it was just a Fanta sea.
Those were horrible!! Please don't tell me you find these funny.
That last one seriously shocked me.
Most of these are too dark even for my taste. So congrats, I guess.
But I'm probably still going to hell because I laughed at the wine joke.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick. Not poop. Get your mind out of the gutter
This is a long one, but bare with me:
When I was a little kid, I once heard the word "timey" but didn't know the definition. So one day during school, I asked the teacher what "timey" meant. And she got so mad, that she sent me to the principal's office. The principal asked, "Jacob, why were you sent to my office?" And I said. "Well, I wanted to know what timey meant. So I asked my teacher what timey meant and she got so mad that she sent me to the principal's office. But now that's I'm here, do YOU know what timey means?" The principal got so mad that he expelled me and sent me home.
Once I got home, my mom asked, "Jacob, why are you home so early?" And I answered "Well I wanted to know what timey meant. I asked my teacher what timey meant and she got so mad that she sent me to the principal's office. I asked the principal what timey meant and he got so mad that he expelled me. But now that I'm here, do you know what timey means?" And my mom got so mad that she grounded me and sent me to my room.
When my dad came home from work a few hours later, he came up to my room and asked, "Jacob, why are you grounded." And I answered, "Well I wanted to know what timey meant. So I asked my teacher what timey meant and she got so mad that she sent me to the principal's office. I asked the principal what timey meant and he expelled me. I asked mom what timey meant and she grounded me. But now that I'm here, do you know what timey means?" And my dad got so mad that he kicked me out onto the streets.
While on the streets, I was approached by some random stranger. The stranger asked, "Hey, kid. What are you doing out here by yourself?" And I answered, "Well I wanted to know what timey meant. I asked my teacher what timey meant and she sent me to the principal's office. I asked the principal what timey meant and he expelled me. I asked my mom what timey meant and she grounded me. I asked my dad what timey meant and he kicked me out onto the streets. But now that I'm here, do you know what timey means?" And the stranger got so mad that he started beating me up.
A cop saw the commotion, got the stranger off me, and handcuffed him. After that, the cop asked, "Why was that guy beating you up?" And I answered, "Well I wanted to know what timey meant. I asked my teacher what timey meant and she sent me to the principal's office. I asked the principal what timey meant and he expelled me. I asked my mom what timey meant and she grounded me. I asked my dad what timey meant and he kicked me out onto the streets. I asked that guy what timey meant and he got so mad that he beat me up. But now that he's taken care of, do you know what timey means?" And the cop got so mad, that he shot and killed me.
My soul was sent to Heaven and I came face to face with God himself. He looked rather surprised to see me. He said, "You're rather young to be here. How did you die, little one?" And I answered, " Well I wanted to know what timey meant. I asked my teacher what timey meant and she got so mad that she sent me to the principal's office. I asked the principal what timey meant and he expelled me. I asked my mom what timey meant and she grounded me. I asked my dad what timey meant and he kicked me out onto the streets. I asked some random guy what timey meant and he got so mad that he beat me up. I asked a cop what timey meant and he shot and killed me. But now that I'm here, do you know what timey means?" And God got so mad, that he damned me to Hell.
My soul was then sent to Hell and I came face to face with Satan himself. Like God, he also looked rather surprised to see me. He said, "You look awfully young to be here. What did you do that got you sent here?" And I answered, "Well I wanted to know what timey meant. I asked my teacher what timey meant and she got so mad that she sent me to the principal's office. I asked the principal what timey meant and he expelled me. I asked my mom what timey meant and she grounded me. I asked my dad what timey meant and he kicked me out onto the streets. I asked some random guy what timey meant and he got so mad that he beat me up. I asked a cop what timey meant and he shot and killed me. I asked God what timey meant and he sent me to Hell. But now that I'm here, do you know what timey means?" And Satan answered, "Kid, timey is a seven paragraph joke with no punchline."
You didn't say if the jokes had to be PG rated.
What's the difference between a dinosaur, and a bitter old man? Nothing because they both extinct!
What's the difference between the taste of young pussy and old pussy? Depends!
What's the similarity between visiting a hooker, and electing a politician to office? You have to pay for their service!
Why do toilets sometimes sweat? It comes from to many seat-ups!
What's the difference between getting a blowjob, and having an angry wife? Nothing they both suck!
What's the difference between telemarketers, and herpes? Nothing because they both call back!
What do being jail-bait, and losing half your stuff in a divorce have in common? Either way, you're screwed!
Do you know what the difference is between a tornado, and a divorce a in the south? Nothing, either way someone's losing the trailer!
why?
Good point.... Lol
Lmao
Because they leave you hanging.
Found this on reddit, posted by justinloler:
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
If you want to get some pussy, might suggest stop dating chicks you only see in magazines, or in videos?
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets."
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant."
"Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."
"What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke: "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent!"
Once upon a time, there was a kitty that would breath by his ass.
One day he sat down and died.
lik if u cri evry tim
How is a golf ball different from a Ford? You can drive a golf ball 200 yards!
It's funny that you said this because I was watching Sherlock Holmes Game Of Shadows just today.
And this is something I can actually imagine Sherlock saying!
Two pretzels were walking down the street. One was a salted.
This is actually good.