›

Who would Uwe Boll cast in a Monkey Island movie?

tevezisgodtevezisgod
edited August 2009 in Tales of Monkey Island
As much as we would all love for a monkey island movie to be produced, we all know deep in our heart that all odds are that it will be helmed by none other than Uwe Boll, so in that spirit, who would he cast?
This is my wager:
Guybrush - Matthew Lillard
Elaine - Kristanna Loken (no brainer)
Lechuck - Osama bin-laden
The voodoo lady - Chris Coppola in a black woman disguise
«1

Comments

  • Astro GnocciAstro Gnocci
    edited August 2009
    Guybrush : Jim Carey
    Elaine : Mimi Mathy (hmm.. i guess non french people won't know her but oh well)
    LeChuck : Woody Allen
    Voodoo Lady : Chuck Norris
  • SpadgeSpadge
    edited August 2009
    THIS SUMMER...Steven Seagal... is... HERMAN... TOOTHROT!!! {explosion}

    A Monkey Island movie is bound to suck with any director. Unless it's CGI.
  • ChemBroChemBro
    edited August 2009
    This "Transporter"-guy for Guybrush. Jason Statham, or so... He always casts him for the leadrole. :o
  • Mad MageMad Mage
    edited August 2009
    Oh wait, they already made one. It's called pirates of th- *gets pelted with bricks*
  • Juicius MaximusJuicius Maximus
    edited August 2009
    I don't know, but If I were making a Monkey Island movie, I would write in a german pirate just so I could cast Uwe Boll...and then have him keelhauled. It'd be one of those arty Dogme 95 movies where everything is real.
  • hansschmuckerhansschmucker
    edited August 2009
    I guess I don't fit in here very well, being a big fan of Postal by Uwe Boll, but I'd say that Zack Ward might actually work as Guybrush.
  • werpuwerpu
    edited August 2009
    Jucius Maximus wrote: »
    I don't know, but If I were making a Monkey Island movie, I would write in a german pirate just so I could cast Uwe Boll...and then have him keelhauled. It'd be one of those arty Dogme 95 movies where everything is real.

    Well an Uwe Boll Monkey Island movie probably would be two muscled guys being dropped of with a big breasted blond into an island called monkey island there they probably would shoot slime monsters and zombie pirates at nauseum with 5 minutes of spoken dialog.
  • MonkeybuttonMonkeybutton
    edited August 2009
    Le Chuck would HAVE to be Tim Curry...or Brian Blessed...I'm torn between the two. My sister and I always thought Guybrush looked a little like Skeet Ulrich, Pam Grier as Carla...?
  • hansschmuckerhansschmucker
    edited August 2009
    Well then, let's make up a script he can use. Maybe we can even make a really inofficial contest out of it :)
  • roberttitusroberttitus
    edited August 2009
    Dude... don't even joke about that.
  • SilverwolfpetSilverwolfpet
    edited August 2009
    roberttitus wrote: »
    Dude... don't even joke about that.

    Really!
  • Astro GnocciAstro Gnocci
    edited August 2009
    By the way i doidn't know who this Uwe Boll was, so i just went and look it up...
    I just fell in love :D
    I did see house of the dead. It was so bad only a genius could have done it:eek:
  • hansschmuckerhansschmucker
    edited August 2009
    Actually, Far Cry and Postal weren't bad. They didn't have all that much to do with the videogames, but somehow they were both fitting.
  • Steverin0Steverin0
    edited August 2009
    Meathook - Ron Perlman.
  • MonkeybuttonMonkeybutton
    edited August 2009
    Steverin0 wrote: »
    Meathook - Ron Perlman.

    Inspired choice - Stone Cold Steve Austin would've been my choice...
  • SHODANFreemanSHODANFreeman
    edited August 2009
    hansschmucker wrote: »
    Actually, Far Cry and Postal weren't bad. They didn't have all that much to do with the videogames, but somehow they were both fitting.

    I haven't seen the Far Cry film but Postal was amusing ...in a train wreck sort of way.
  • hansschmuckerhansschmucker
    edited August 2009
    But that's a perfect fit for Postal isn't it?

    Far Cry is more "serious" if you can call it that. There's a story of sorts and the usual German bad guy with hot Russian assistant. The only real twist is that the good guy is also German.

    But the camera work is solid and they made a relatively clever choice for the scenario: Instead of a tropical island, the bad guys are hiding their installation inside an abandoned industrial complex on an island... so there are little special effects as far as the environment is concerned, just traditional filming and that works pretty well.

    The bad guys (superhuman mutants created by the evil scientist) likewise are basically human, so they don't need much special effects for that either.

    The result is a stereotypical, low-budget movie that is not splattered with bad special effects and after seeing the latest Transformer installment, I'm really grateful for that.
  • Juicius MaximusJuicius Maximus
    edited August 2009
    Well an Uwe Boll Monkey Island movie probably would be two muscled guys being dropped of with a big breasted blond into an island called monkey island there they probably would shoot slime monsters and zombie pirates at nauseum with 5 minutes of spoken dialog.

    Dude, that sounds badass AND arty! Like 2001 or Wall-E. Or Bullitt.
    My sister and I always thought Guybrush looked a little like Skeet Ulrich

    I just threw up in my mouth a little. (possibly a good thing for an Uwe Boll casting) But then you said this...
    Pam Grier as Carla...?

    ...and all was right with the world again.
    Meathook - Ron Perlman.

    Win!
    Well then, let's make up a script he can use.

    I'm into it. Sounds like a hi-larious forum game! We can do it exquisite corpse style. Who wants to start it off? Running on empty and have no creative juice in me right now.
  • hansschmuckerhansschmucker
    edited August 2009
    If you don't mind I'll start. I'll see you in an hour.
  • MarzhinMarzhin
    edited August 2009
    I saw his Alone in the Dark movie. The plot made sense during 7 minutes and 32 seconds, then it became a nonsensical remake of Aliens.

    After that he produced Alone in the Dark II, in which Edward Carnby was an asian.

    And because I was curious to know if he could do worse, I watched Blood Rayne. It was worth it, just to see Michael Madsen obviously drunk from the beginning to the end of the movie. The only one who seems to have fun in the film is Meatloaf (probably because he's surrounded by naked women).
  • hansschmuckerhansschmucker
    edited August 2009
    Alone in the Dark was definitely horrible. I'd say it qualifies as a torture method and should be banned by the Geneva convention. But I still enjoyed the other two I mentioned.
  • Dan2593Dan2593
    edited August 2009
    I wanna be a director one day. I would make money by creating low budget family films about a kids who do hilarious stuff and act like adults like spielburgs early stuff. Then I after getting budget and recognition I would use CGI backrounds, sets and ghost pirates for a Monkey Island film. Keeping the look and feel by getting the same artists to direct the art direction and same musical composers. And of course the same voice of Lechuck. 100% loyal recreation of lines. I already started on a script that I plan to work on for the rest of my life to get it perfect.
    That's the only way a live action can work for Monkey Island.

    But Uwe Boll? Oh he would cast Britney spears and Christian Bale and just make many many mistakes.
  • Juicius MaximusJuicius Maximus
    edited August 2009
    After that he produced Alone in the Dark II, in which Edward Carnby was an asian.

    I don't know who Edward Carnby is, but that sounds like a totally legit asian name to me.
    I watched Blood Rayne. It was worth it, just to see Michael Madsen obviously drunk from the beginning to the end of the movie.

    I heart the sh*t out of Michael Madsen. His IMDB page is EPIC. Dude has averaged about 5 movies a year since 1983!
  • Juicius MaximusJuicius Maximus
    edited August 2009
    Oh dag. By the way guys, I forgot to post this, probably Uwe Boll's greatest contribution to the world of entertainments.

    WARNING: This may make you think twice about future Boll-bashing on the internets.
  • hansschmuckerhansschmucker
    edited August 2009
    OK, here's what I've got so far, who wants to take over? Keep in mind I'm not trying to do a direct adaption, all of this is fairly loosely based on the MI universe.
    ===The Secret of Monkey Island===

    The distributor logo appears (think Universal or Spyglass pictures) and fades out.
    Silence.
    The Boll KG logo fades in.
    Slowly it morphs into the reflection of the moon in the sea, seen from above.
    The camera moves up, showing Phatt Island in the moonlight.
    You hear the wind and the noises of the sea.
    The words “Deep in the Carribean: Phatt Island” slowly fade in.
    The image fades out.

    Sudden cut to a closeup of Guybrush (around 25, skinny and in too big clothes) 's eyes.
    Cut to an old stone ceiling. Zoom in slowly
    Voice from off: “You want a bit of Rat-burger?”
    Cut back to Guybrush, a bit farther back, revealing that he's lying on the floor. Hands behind his head, appears thinking. Clothes are still in relatively good condition, just a bit dirty.
    Guybrush: “How can you eat that stuff, Otis?”

    Camera switches to the front of two cells seen through the bars, Guybrush in the left, Otis in the right, separated by a stone wall. Everything looks old and wet. Otis has an old shirt that may have been white at some point and has a beard. Both look like they hadn't been washed in decades. He sits with his back against the wall shared by the two cells. Guybrush is lying with his feet to the camera. Both cells have a small “window” (really just a tiny horizontal stripe)

    Otis: “When you've been to as many jails, dungeons and other deathtraps as I've been, you realize one thing: don't expect anybody to bring you any food.”
    Guybrush: “Why are you in here?”
    Otis: “Tried to sell a jacket to Governor Phatt. Turns out I didn't have his size”
    Guybrush: “When?”
    Otis: “What date is it?”
    Guybrush: “Thursday. The 12th I think.”
    Otis: “I meant the year.”
    Guybrush: “Oh”.

    A couple of seconds nothing happens.

    Guybrush: “You've been to many jails?”
    Otis:”Yep”
    Guybrush: “So you usually get out at some point”
    Otis:”Yep”
    Guybrush: “With what?”
    Otis:”Patience”.
    Guybrush:”No dogs that give you the key when you throw them a bone?”
    Otis:”So far, no”

    A couple of seconds nothing happens.

    Camera is outside, showing that the prison is really part of the cliffs and the two windows form the eyes of something that looks a bit like a scull.
    Suddenly an explosion inside the prison: You see the windows/eyes light up in yellow. A few leafs fall across the screen. One flies around (wind noises) and finally sticks to the camera. The monkey island logo is engraved in the leaf.The monkey island theme starts playing.
    The background of the logo changes from leaf to an old piece of canvas. Various pirate-like motives, along with the credits show as if drawn onto one big piece of canvas. The camera zooms out, rotates, zooms in for these transitions.
  • Juicius MaximusJuicius Maximus
    edited August 2009
    Liking it! But we'll have to dumb down the dialogue CONSIDERABLY for Boll. Remember, he has to be able to direct this thing! And seriously, only ONE explosion in the intro? That's at least five too few.
  • hansschmuckerhansschmucker
    edited August 2009
    Made a separate thread for this
  • thatdude98thatdude98
    edited August 2009
    Astro Gnocci wrote: »
    Voodoo Lady : Chuck Norris


    # Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

    :D
  • MarzhinMarzhin
    edited August 2009
    Jucius Maximus wrote: »
    I don't know who Edward Carnby is, but that sounds like a totally legit asian name to me.

    The main problem is, the character was played by Christian Slater in the first film ^^'
  • TacobobTacobob
    edited August 2009
    What, you think he'd actually use the characters from the video game? Or actually base it off the game itself?

    He'd just look at the title...It's set in the present time. Ninjas and hookers are stealing monkeys from an island. One ninja, who used to be a hooker decides to join the forces of good and save the monkeys! It stars a bunch of actors who should know better. And real actual hookers.
  • SHODANFreemanSHODANFreeman
    edited August 2009
    Tacobob wrote: »
    What, you think he'd actually use the characters from the video game? Or actually base it off the game itself?

    He'd just look at the title...It's set in the present time. Ninjas and hookers are stealing monkeys from an island. One ninja, who used to be a hooker decides to join the forces of good and save the monkeys! It stars a bunch of actors who should know better. And real actual hookers.

    Can I pre-order my ticket?
  • TacobobTacobob
    edited August 2009
    Pale Man wrote: »
    Can I pre-order my ticket?

    :p Ha!
  • CaptnDanCaptnDan
    edited August 2009
    I've always thought Zach Braff would make a good Guybrush...

    ...might have to bleach his hair though :P
  • alexonfyrealexonfyre
    edited August 2009
    you guys have missed a key point here...

    Uwe Boll would cast a bunch of no-talent local theater actors in the movie because no one else in hollywood gives his movies the @#!$ing time of day anymore.
  • youmaycallmemurrayyoumaycallmemurray
    edited August 2009
    Guybrush: Zach Ward
    Lechuck: Udo Kier
    Elaine: Tara Reid
    Carla: Kristianna Loken
    Voodoo Lady: Whoppi
    Largo: Michael Paré
    Murray: Jurgen Prochnow
    Meathook:Ralf Moeller
    Stan: Dave Foley
    Wally: Verne Troyer
    Shot on location in Bulgaria.
  • TacobobTacobob
    edited August 2009
    alexonfyre wrote: »
    you guys have missed a key point here...

    Uwe Boll would cast a bunch of no-talent local theater actors in the movie because no one else in hollywood gives his movies the @#!$ing time of day anymore.

    Really? Have you seen the actors that are in his movies? Take the Dungeon Siege movie..It had Jason Statham, John Rhys-Davies, Ron Perlman, Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, and many more skilled,well-known actors who should have fired their agents! :mad: :eek:
  • SHODANFreemanSHODANFreeman
    edited August 2009
    Tacobob wrote: »
    Really? Have you seen the actors that are in his movies? Take the Dungeon Siege movie..It had Jason Statham, John Rhys-Davies, Ron Perlman, Ray Liotta, Burt Reynolds, and many more skilled,well-known actors who should have fired their agents! :mad: :eek:

    Don't forget Matthew Lillard, Leelee Sobieski, and Kristanna Loken.
  • TacobobTacobob
    edited August 2009
    Pale Man wrote: »
    Don't forget Matthew Lillard, Leelee Sobieski, and Kristanna Loken.

    Wonder if they all have the same agent? :confused:
  • onlyamonkeyonlyamonkey
    edited August 2009
    Tacobob wrote: »
    What, you think he'd actually use the characters from the video game? Or actually base it off the game itself?

    He'd just look at the title...It's set in the present time. Ninjas and hookers are stealing monkeys from an island. One ninja, who used to be a hooker decides to join the forces of good and save the monkeys! It stars a bunch of actors who should know better. And real actual hookers.

    Oh, how I would just queue for days to get tickets for that movie. Former hooker- now ninja. Possibly mr T in the lead role? Jason Priestly would kick ass asw.
  • Brian, Mighty PirateBrian, Mighty Pirate
    edited August 2009
    Guybrush: David Hasselhoff
    Lechuck: Mr. T
    Elaine: Megan Fox
    just the first names i could think of.
Sign in to comment in this discussion.