catharsis
I know this probably isn't the best place for a bit of soul purging but I just need to say something to someone and I'm no good at talking to my family and friends. Which is a whole other problem altogether.
I'm trying to work out where it's all going wrong, my first conclusion is that I shouldn't live on my own. I never get anything done and just spend my days (and most nights) doing nothing constructive, just spending hours on the internet, more hours playing games, and even more hours watching various incarnations of Star Trek on DVD.
I've completely wasted the last 4 months, the end result of which is that I've got absolutely no chance of completing my degree course this year and I don't know if I'll be able to afford the fees to try again in the autumn. Oh and 4 months ago was when I moved into my flat, on my own. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do my work (or any work, for that matter) and it's really frustrating because what I'm (supposed) to be doing now is leading towards what I've wanted to do for a very long time.
One of the more stupid things about all this is that this isn't the first time living on my own has caused me problems. The first time was when I was 19, shortly after I started my first stint at university, around October/November 2000. I had only moved about 20 to 30 miles but as I've learned recently distance doesn't matter.
Anyway, to condense things a bit I ended up back home by May 2001 having just not done anything from January to April, barely leaving the house - usually just to get food and then it was just takeaways and junk food. I even contemplated suicide, just sat there on my bed with a electric cord around my neck. I wouldn't have done it, I'm too much of a coward for that, but my parents found out about it and it frightened the life out of them. Can't say I blame them, the whole incident is just shameful for me and I bitterly regret it.
Don't want to dwell on that period. The next couple years are ok, lived with my parents for a bit then moved into a place with a couple of friends. Had a couple of jobs, actually did stuff and had a fair amount of fun. So I'm feeling alright about myself and decided to get my own place again. Didn't take long to get back into a routine of doing nothing. The only saving grace is that I didn't go as far down as I did before but still for the next 3 years I basically did nothing. Trouble is doing nothing doesn't pay the bills and so I had to face up to the fact that I simply couldn't afford to live there on my own. So after talking with my family (a rarity, not that they are bad people, I just don't talk to anyone really not about me at any rate) it was decided that I should go live with my brother.
And I'm so glad I did. I don't know why but living with my brother really helped me motivate myself into doing something and within a year I was back at university doing a course that was just about a dream come true. Now here I am just 4 months after moving out of my brother's place (the biggest joke of all is that I only moved 10/11 houses up from him - I'm still living in the same god damned street for crying out loud!), wallowing in self pity on an internet message board, on which I'm just a speck in the great cosmos of posters. I think I know what I should do (basically talk to someone) but I don't know if I can.
Whoa, this post got way longer that it was intended to be. I'm half tempted to just delete the whole lot, but I won't (though I understand if a mod deletes it). I just want to type this all out and get it out there, even if no-one actually reads it. I apologise to anyone who does read this, for whatever reason.
I'm trying to work out where it's all going wrong, my first conclusion is that I shouldn't live on my own. I never get anything done and just spend my days (and most nights) doing nothing constructive, just spending hours on the internet, more hours playing games, and even more hours watching various incarnations of Star Trek on DVD.
I've completely wasted the last 4 months, the end result of which is that I've got absolutely no chance of completing my degree course this year and I don't know if I'll be able to afford the fees to try again in the autumn. Oh and 4 months ago was when I moved into my flat, on my own. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do my work (or any work, for that matter) and it's really frustrating because what I'm (supposed) to be doing now is leading towards what I've wanted to do for a very long time.
One of the more stupid things about all this is that this isn't the first time living on my own has caused me problems. The first time was when I was 19, shortly after I started my first stint at university, around October/November 2000. I had only moved about 20 to 30 miles but as I've learned recently distance doesn't matter.
Anyway, to condense things a bit I ended up back home by May 2001 having just not done anything from January to April, barely leaving the house - usually just to get food and then it was just takeaways and junk food. I even contemplated suicide, just sat there on my bed with a electric cord around my neck. I wouldn't have done it, I'm too much of a coward for that, but my parents found out about it and it frightened the life out of them. Can't say I blame them, the whole incident is just shameful for me and I bitterly regret it.
Don't want to dwell on that period. The next couple years are ok, lived with my parents for a bit then moved into a place with a couple of friends. Had a couple of jobs, actually did stuff and had a fair amount of fun. So I'm feeling alright about myself and decided to get my own place again. Didn't take long to get back into a routine of doing nothing. The only saving grace is that I didn't go as far down as I did before but still for the next 3 years I basically did nothing. Trouble is doing nothing doesn't pay the bills and so I had to face up to the fact that I simply couldn't afford to live there on my own. So after talking with my family (a rarity, not that they are bad people, I just don't talk to anyone really not about me at any rate) it was decided that I should go live with my brother.
And I'm so glad I did. I don't know why but living with my brother really helped me motivate myself into doing something and within a year I was back at university doing a course that was just about a dream come true. Now here I am just 4 months after moving out of my brother's place (the biggest joke of all is that I only moved 10/11 houses up from him - I'm still living in the same god damned street for crying out loud!), wallowing in self pity on an internet message board, on which I'm just a speck in the great cosmos of posters. I think I know what I should do (basically talk to someone) but I don't know if I can.
Whoa, this post got way longer that it was intended to be. I'm half tempted to just delete the whole lot, but I won't (though I understand if a mod deletes it). I just want to type this all out and get it out there, even if no-one actually reads it. I apologise to anyone who does read this, for whatever reason.
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Comments
Isn't there someone you might be able to be roommate with? Or would your parents be living to live with you some more? I know people in their 30s or even older who live with their parents, by choice rather than necessity, it might sound unusual but if that's best for you (and if it's okay with them)...
It's usually a good idea to talk about these things. Of course from here we can't help you much, but if we can help you enough that you feel up to talking to someone else who can do more that's already great.
I've also thought about moving back in with my brother but I don't really want to impose on him, especially now that he has his girlfriend living there too. Besides all that I've still got another 2 months before I can end my tenancy here (that is if I want to). So I think I'm currently committed to staying here for now. I do have a friend that comes over regularly but there's another problem in that this is only a 1 bedroom flat so he ends up sleeping in the living room (I do at least have a comfy sofa).
At the end of the day, I do need to get used to being on my own and learn how to motivate myself to do the things that need doing so that is what I am going to try and do. At least for now. I need to talk to the university to see what options I have regarding repeating my final year. After that we'll see.