Your Favourite Jokes
A thread to post your favourite jokes.
Here's mine (I hope it's not too Risqué for this forum)...
Here's mine (I hope it's not too Risqué for this forum)...
A woman goes to her local market and walks over to a merchant who is selling Magic Penises! The woman asks the vendor 'what on Earth is a "Magic Penis"?' The vendor replies by saying 'It's simple, you start out by saying 'Magic Penis' followed by a request and it will carry out said request".
The woman is dubious of the merchant's grand claims but decides to buy one anyway. She arrives back home and says 'Magic Penis, do the washing up" and to her absolute amazement, the wonderful member carries out the task. Next she requests 'Magic Penis, do my tax returns' and once again the little fellow obliges. Naturally she then demands 'Magic Penis, make wonderful love to me' and so it does.
Later that day, the woman's hired gardener sees her with the marvelous contraption and enquires 'what in the heck is that thing?!', to which the woman responds 'why, it's a Magic Penis' and the gardener replies 'Magic Penis my ass'.
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B: Oh, don’t take that. I dropped it after the lesson on setups. The Professor is so old…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SK0QyHcCIw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9SK0QyHcCIw
You know nothing of war, my friend.
The pope, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. Then the bartender said "Hey, is this some kind of joke?".
That used to be my main hangout, before I moved here.
...
YOU.
You must return here with.... a shrubbery!
Saint Peter sat at the gate to heaven when 3 men walked up to him, to be let through the gate they had to tell him why they had died.
The first man walked up to him and started his story:
I was on my way to work, when I realized that I have forgotten something at home. When I saw my wife naked in bed, I thought she had not gotten out of bed yet, when I noticed the other man's clothes she was trying to hide. I got angry and hurt and started to look everywhere in the apartment for the man, and I found him hanging naked on the railing on the balcony.
I went inside and got a hammer and started hammering him over the fingers till he let go and fell down, he landed on some bushes and survived, still angry I went to the kitchen and picked up the fridge and threw it out the balcony, the strain was too much for me and I died from a heart attack.
Peter thought this was sad for him, and let him through. (Don’t ask me why the bad man got let it in, but it is how the joke goes, so please carry on reading).
The second man walked up to Peter and told him his story:
I woke up in my bed in my apartment and it was a lovely morning, so I went out of bed but didn’t get my clothes on and walked around naked. Not many people had gotten up yet and I walked out to the balcony, I tripped over something and I fell over the side, but caught on the railing on the balcony underneath mine, and I survived. When all of a sudden a very angry man comes out and finds me, before I can ask for help he runs of and comes back with a hammer and starts hammering me over the fingers. It hurts and I have to let go, but I land some bushes and I survive, but before I can move the angry man throws a fridge at me and I die.
Peter thought this was sad for him, and let him through.
The last man comes up, and Peter asks him to tell his story.
Well I was hiding in a fridge…
Ha. Good one.
Realistic jokes? What a joke!
*Exudes Smugness*
Oh, and a man walks into a bar. Ow!
Old sailors never die...they just get a little dinghy.
Old musicians never die...they just go from bar to bar.
Old songwriters never die...they just start decomposing.
Old teachers never die...they just lose their class.
Old chemists never die...they just fail to react.
Old necromancers never die.
That's all until I strike again!
Why did the little idiot threw a clock out the window?
What did the little idiot say to the microphone?
"My first blow-job", the man replies.
The bartender smiles and says. "In that case let me give you another one free on the house.
"No thanks", the man says. "If the first 7 wont remove the bad taste, I am sure the 8'th wont do it either".
The man calmly replies, "But sir, this dog can talk. Surely you let a talking dog stay."
Looking at the dog, the mozeg agrees. "Sure a talking dog would be good for business, but ain't no dog that can talk!"
"If I could prove it to you, would you let us stay?"
"Hell, if you can get that dog to talk, I'll let you drink for free!" replies the bartender. "But if it doesn't, it's out in the rain with the both of you!"
The man then looks at his dog.
"What's the opposite of soft?" he asks.
"Ruff!" the dog replies.
The bartender snorts.
"What's on the outside of a tree?" says the man.
The dog says "Bark!"
"Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!" barks the dog.
"That's it," says the bartender and he throws the man and his dog out into the street.
The dog looks at the man.
"You think I should have said Joe DiMaggio?"
Once upon a time, in a far away land, there lived a boy named Little Omar. Now Little Omar was a strong and brave boy being the son of a chief and Little Omar had a dream. He wanted to go to America. Land of the free and home of the brave. America was far, far away. Across a great ocean. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. So, one night, while the chief and the chief’s tribesmen were asleep, Little Omar left on his quest.
In the morning, the chief and the chief’s tribesmen awoke and found Little Omar gone. They knew he wanted to go to America, land of the free and home of the brave, but they wanted him to be the future chief of their tribe. So, they let out a great war call and off they went in pursuit of Little Omar. Despite being miles away, Little Omar heard the war call. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. So he kept running.
As he ran, he encountered a lion. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. Little Omar beat up the lion and kept going. When the chief and the chief’s tribesmen came upon the lion, they knew Little Omar had been down this path. So, the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion all set out in pursuit of Little Omar.
After Little Omar had been running for a long, long time, he came to the great ocean. Unfortunately, Little Omar didn’t have a boat. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. He was going to swim to America. So, into the water he went.
When the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion came to the ocean and found no sign of Little Omar, they knew he must be trying to swim to America. So, they built canoes and off they went in pursuit of Little Omar.
As Little Omar was swimming, he came upon a giant octopus. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. He beat up the octopus and threw the octopus over his head. When the octopus finally hit the water, it was near the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion and they knew Little Omar had been this way. So, the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion and the octopus all set out in pursuit of Little Omar.
Little Omar kept swimming until he came upon a ship. This was perfect. The ship was heading in the right direction and Little Omar decided he could hitch a ride to America. That might have worked out except, in the distance, Little Omar saw the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion and the octopus all heading his way. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. Little Omar climbed onto the ship. He wasn’t sure what he would do once there but it had to be better than facing the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion and the octopus. Right? Wrong.
This was a pirate ship. And, by and by, the chief and the chief’s tribesmen and the lion and the octopus and now the pirates all began chasing Little Omar around and around the ship. Now this would have stopped any normal person but not Little Omar. He was used to hardships. He was going to America; land of the free and home of the brave. He began to climb the ship’s mast.
When he got to the absolute top of the mast, Little Omar began swinging back and forth and back and forth. Little Omar had decided that he would fly to America. The mast kept going back and forth a little further each time. When it would dip no further, Little Omar rode it all the way down and all the way back up and turned loose. Oops. He had miscalculated his release.
Instead of flying toward America, Little Omar flew straight up in the air. Up, up, up he went. Higher and higher. Of course, even little Omar is subject to gravity so since he went up, he had to come down. And down he came. Faster and faster. And since he had gone straight up, he came down. SMACK! Right on the deck. Now this would have stopped any normal person. But not Little Omar. He was used to hard ships.
"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."
"Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.
"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.
"Sir?"
"Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."
"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."
"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."
"Then I bid you farewell — my name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.
Five Years Later: The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:
Dear Sir: Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.
Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.
Very Sincerely Yours,
Dick Van Dyke
Oh well, here's one I heard recently:
What's the difference between a man that jumps from the 10th floor and a man that jumps from the 1st floor?
A priest, a cadi and a rabbi walk into a bar. The barman asks: 'Aren't you tired of this already?'
I hope no one is offended by the following joke. The nationalities could have been chosen differently, and I was too lazy to thing of another way to present it.
Three engineers work on a skyscrapper. Each of them is from a different country: America, France and the Netherlands. They all bring their breakfast from their home. One day, they get tired of their food.
The Frenchman says: 'If I open my bag tomorrow and find a croissant again, I am jumping from the top floor of this very skyscrapper!'
The Dutchman says: 'If I open my bag tomorrow and find potato chips again, I am jumping from the top floor of this very skyscrapper!'
The American man says: 'If I open my bag tomorrow and find a peanut butter sandwich again... Whatever, I am jumping from the top floor of this very skyscrapper.'
A day later, the Frenchman finds he got a croissant. He jumps from the skyscrapper. (AAAAAAAAAAH THUD!!) The Dutchman finds his wife sent him potato chips again. He, too, jumps from the skyscrapper. The American man opens his sandwich and finds peanut butter. He also jumps.
Some days later, their widows come together to talk about the tragedy.
The French widow says: 'Oh, if I only knew what he was going to do, I would have packed him a camembert sandwich, or a bagguette, or anything!'
The Dutch widow says: 'Why couldn't he tell me he didn't want chips? If I knew it, I would have sent him a goudse sandwich, or mussels, or anything! Alas, why didn't he tell me?'
The American widow says: 'If only he would have tell me, I would have made sure he got something else. Alas, he packed the breakfast himself.'
Here is a Juha joke that I like:
Juha was asked by the ruler Timur to take a part in a horse race for him. Juha came to the race with a the oldest horse in the stable. When Timur saw what horse Juha picked, he told him: 'Are you out of your mind, Juha? This is a horse race, and every man knows that old horses are slower than fresh ones!'
Juha answered: 'Ah, but your majesty! As the old saying goes: None is smarter than an experienced person. Ten years ago, I would ride this horse on any race. Never lost a run!'
Buh dum tish!