Submit a Joke
Two prisoners, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker.
The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request ?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love great music. Could you please play Justin Bieber for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son ? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "KILL ME FIRST."
The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request ?"
To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love great music. Could you please play Justin Bieber for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son ? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "KILL ME FIRST."
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A Fish.
If you're flying down a river in a cement canoe and all of your wheels fall off, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a dog house?
4, because ice cream has no bones.
Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.
Wave to him.
Marvin was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.
The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”
None, Peta can't change anything.
Who's There?
...I forgot the payoff.
Just one, but it takes him 20 episodes to do it.
First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass with out any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore, he also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in Heaven.
The first guy asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second guy replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
Wipes his bottom.
Also understand that there are people of many ages on this forum. Keep it civil.
Sorry. Just had to get those out of my system.
Two drums and a cymbal walk off a cliff. Buh dum tish!
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
Thank you, I'll be here all week.
Not screaming in pain like his passangers.
After saying this he hears a mysterious voice replying, "No you aren't! Approach the chief, grab his spear and kill him!"
So the man runs to the throne, takes the spear and drives it through the chiefs chest piercing his heart. Noticing the cannibals have stopped their rituals and are surrounding him the man asks the mysterious voice, "And now what?"
Gleefully the voice replies, "Now you're doomed!"
A werewolf and a vampire walk into a theater at night. They both see a poster for Twilight and decide to check it out. They order their tickets and take their seats. After the movie, they go outside and talk to each other.
"Well," says the vampire, "that movie sucked. I mean, that lead character was horrible! It's like her very presence sucked the life out of everything! Moreso than the male lead!"
"I agree with you," said the wolf. "That was a completely inaccurate depiction of the relationship between werewolves and vampires. And on top of all that, even I know you don't sparkle."
"Actually," says the vampire, "some do."
"Really? What do you call a vampire who sparkles in the sun?"
"We call them DEAD."
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9!
Neither did they.
You know, I was bullied a lot in school. Well, I was homeschooled, but my Mom always stuffed me in a locker when I got a problem wrong.
When I was eight, I was attacked by a cougar. Although we normally called her Auntie Jean.
The sax player went first and said, "In my life, I played the saxophone and worked really hard my whole life making beautiful music. I didn't miss two many rehearsals and the jokes that I wrote on my sheet music weren't as dirty as some of the other sax players I've met."
God nodded and let him in.
The trombone player went second. "In my life, I played the trombone and also worked really hard. Even though I missed a few notes, I managed to cover it up well so that the band still stayed together and we were able to make beautiful music for people to enjoy."
God considered this for a moment...and then let him in too.
Then, it was the trumpet player's turn. He strode right up to God and said, "In my life, I played the trumpet and I believe you're sitting in my seat."
"What's the matter?", said the neighbor. "You look like death warmed over!"
Why did the chicken cross the road? 42.
Steve was just closing up his bar for the night. When his wife asked him about his day, he said that it was really nice, because there are no religious figures, cheesy puns, nor any wacky antics at the bar, and really hoped that there are more days like this in the future. The next day, the pope, a priest, a rabbi, a potato, a woman and a duck, a dyslexic man, a group of stereotypical men from various ethnicities and nationalities, and the personifications of several abstract concepts walked into the bar, all saying "Yesterday was our day off".
Haha, just saving you guys the trouble.
Two: one to change it, and the other to blast him and then take credit for the job.
How many Chuck Norris's does it take to change a light bulb?
None: Chuck Norris doesn’t need light. Light needs Chuck Norris.
I've always thought that the Empire must have increased its recruitment by advertising how quickly its troops could get promoted through the ranks.
Three. One to change it and two more to comment on how they could have done it better.