The Walking Dead and my OCD
I wanted to share this story as it has become a huge part of my life, and I am curious to know how other Walking Dead fans react to this.
I suffer from both Aspergers Syndrome and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, two conditions which can make life difficult on their own. I've only recently been receiving help with the latter of these, though there is very little help I have access to that can help me deal with how these conditions clash with one another.
Since Season 1 of The Walking Dead, I have had severe OCD 'attacks' (for lack of a better word) related to the game. It all started when I lost my old save file for Season 1 and wanted to replay it. I started to get these strange impulses to play the game in a specific way to mimick my old save file. At first all I was doing was simply clicking the same descisions I clicked last time, which is nothing out of the ordinary at all. However, when Season 2 was released my save file from Season 1 appeared slightly bugged. After playing Season 2 Episode 1 I decided to replay Season 1 again so I could be all ready and good to go for when Season 2 came out. However, this time around I started getting strange compulsions. At first it was things like having to examine objects in a specific order, then it turned into clicking descisions at very specific parts of the dialogue to mimic my original reaction time, moving the mouse around the screen in specific places at specific moments, looking at the same parts of the screen I would have looked at the first time I played and, most extreme of all, thinking specific things at certain points in the game.
If I failed to satisfy these compulsions I would have to restart the scene. The more I played the more intense these requirements were, and it would get to the point where I would spend hours upon hours replaying the same scene over and over. If I didn't do these things I would become incredibly stressed and on edge, and the worst part is that I knew just how silly these things were. I kept trying to tell myself that it's not going to make a difference what part of the screen I look at, or what angle I click a certain object from. But I couldn't stop these thoughts. After much perserverence I eventually made it past Episode 1, and I was able to get onboard the hype train for Episode 2.
When Episode 2 came out, I started having more of these compulsions; except this time it was on my first playthrough. If I made a descision I didn't like I would rewind the scene and have to mimic all my original actions down to the last mouse movement. I ended up clocking in about 4 hours before I even got to the scene where Clementine reunites with Kenny, and that's not including breaks to calm myself down from the stress. When I finished the episode I was unhappy with the way I played the scene, and I kept going through it over and over trying to play it in a specific way. The amount of time between the last checkpoint and end of Episode 2 is very long, however, and getting through the scene over and over became unbearable. In the end the only way I was able to make myself comfortable with the save file was by messaging one of the VAs to tell them that the character they play isn't offended that I didn't pay full attention to something they said while trying to control my thoughts and mimic my old actions. It was incredibly embarassing to open up about such a stupid problem to them, but they were incredibly kind and understanding and I was able to get myself into a better place and join the hype train for Episode 3.
Thankfully I managed to get through Episode 3 without these compulsions severely affecting me, though it did take a lot to come to terms with some of the choices I clicked. However, with Episode 4 I misunderstood one of the dialogue options near the beggining. I tried to ignore it at the time and move on, but after finishing the episode I couldn't come to terms with this. I want to clarify that my compulsions aren't to get the most perfect goody-two shoes playthrough possible, but to pick the descisions I would pick in that scenario. (For example, Alvin died in Episode 2 for me). I messaged the same voice actor who helped me before asking once again for reassurance, and they gave it to me. It helped for a while, but after some time the compulsions came back. It was nightmarish; not even the words of one of the VAs could quell these compulsions. I'm currently on the waiting list for proffesional help but this may not be for a few months, and until then I'm on my own. I replayed the episode again, and I was able to fix this dialogue option and find a better alternative, but then more OCD compulsions came up with the way I played the episode. I tried again recently but I couldn't even get past the first 10 minutes of the episodes without these problems flaring up.
And here I am now. It feels horrible because I really enjoy these games, but these problems are affecting my life and, regardless of how non-sensical and pointless they may be, I can't keep them out of my head. I wanted to share this story because, simply put, I'm jealous of how some people here can just play the game the way it was meant to be played. I know how stupid this sounds, but I'd give anything to just not care about these thoughts I have and start being excited for Episode 5 like everyone else. I've tried so much to fix this and now all I can do is wait for proffesional help to arrive. I've spent the past few weeks trying to come to terms with this save file, but I can't do it. Everytime I see anything Walking Dead related I just get reminded of these things and I loathe myself for being unable to just accept this and move on.
I share this because, simply put, I'm stuck in this rut with seemingly no way out. I don't know if anyone here will even read this but... well, there it is. If anyone wants to give their two cents on the whole thing, I'd love to hear what you have to say.
Comments
I read your story and I was deeply moved ....
I've also had a "problem" with the game (it is not OCD):
Basically, I played the season 1 quiet, safe choices I did, and sure of myself. As I advanced in the game, the choices became more difficult, but I was firm on my position, I gave in and not in the "rewind" something that I did not like.
In the end, when it came out A House Divided, I was "disappointed" and angry for 2 reasons:
I could no longer enjoy the game, especially because those choices were making me feel bad.
So, spend some time and with the release of In Harm's Way, I recovered, and I realized after a long reflection that first of all it was just a game !!
And then I realized that no matter what choices we make and what we think, the most important thing is that they were our choices, and not choices based on what will happen next!
I saved Doug? Patience !! I enjoyed it anyway!
Alvin died before? Patience !! I am aware of having made a wrong choice of dialogue, this is the game!
Perhaps for many it is stupid, but I've lived a bad time for this thing, but now I finally passed!
Hmm. Is this only a problem you have with the Walking Dead? Do you play other video games and if so do you experience these same compulsions to play the levels or missions over and over again in exactly the "right" way?
My advice: Don't go to the forums looking for psychological help.