Need some advice about a slightly weird situation.
We are having some issues with an ex of my husband.
Firstly some background: My husband went out with him for about 14 months 6 years ago. My husband is currently 28 and we have been 'civil partners' for a year and a half and 'married' for 5 months (basically as soon as gay marriage became legal in the UK), after having dated for 3 years. He has had very little interaction with this ex of his until recently, and he says that he took the break up extremely badly (my husband broke up with him when he decided firmly to join the army because he did not want to be in a romantic relationship while training and on service due to there being little time for personal contact alongside all other stresses of a long distance relationship as it would be when he began training, so I can sort of see why).
This ex kept texting him for a few weeks before my husband blocked his messages and that was the end of that.
But apparently not. We met a loosely-known mutual friend in the park yesterday who knows the ex much better than we do, and she told us that apparently he had been lying that he was STILL in a relationship with my husband, and that my husband was still in service in the army (which he is not). Not only had he been telling people this, but he had found the pictures he and my husband had taken together on holiday or in restaurants (but never uploaded to facebook) etc and was periodically showing them to friends when talking about this 'loved-up' relationship he was supposedly in, as if each photo was taken recently (aided by the fact that his face doesn't seem to have aged remotely). His story doesn't even make sense: if my husband was still in the army he wouldn't be going out to restaurants with him all the damn time, but his friends must be pretty thick.
Sounds pretty shit right? Well it gets worse. After doing some online digging with the help of our internet-genius friend, we found out that he has a membership on a site named 'xtube' on which he had uploaded a video of him and my husband having sex. The kicker? My husband didn't even know this guy had filmed them having sex. Now that is just screwed up in all kinds of ways.
So we managed to get the video taken down (not before it had massed over 10,000 'views'...) which must have at least alerted this guy that we know something's going on.
My question is this: should we confront him about what he is doing, and if so how?
We're not angry specifically (although my husband's face when he saw the video was not pleasant), we're more concerned about his mental health for this obsession to have continued so long and to have reached such an extent. We want to help him move on and get over him, but we're really unsure of the best way to tackle this. How should we approach him in a way that doesn't make him completely terrified but rather makes him acknowledge he has a problem?
Thanks.
Comments
First of all, I'm sorry that something so crappy happened to y'all... This must be pretty unsettling to your husband and you both.
I'm fairly certain the ex recording the video and then uploading it to the internet without his consent is grounds enough to make this somewhat of a legal issue. I don't know, since I'm unsure of how laws like that might work in the UK or even in the US.
Well, if the issue here is that the ex is having major issues moving on, I think there's nothing y'all could really do or say to him to help him move on, since if he is going to these extremes it's really not something that can be discussed so casually. I don't know, I've never had a crazy ex or someone who wouldn't let whatever happened between us go. But I have seen people try and draw out an old relationship to such extremes, and what my friend did with this ex is just keep on being their friend until the ex decided they were completely done with them and abandoned ever speaking with them again. So, since your husband hasn't talked to the ex since he went int he Army, I would say that suddenly talking at this point would be troublesome.
But if this were me, (my dad would go beat the living shit outta this dude and then have him thrown in jail for doing something like taking a video of us having sex without my consent, but if my dad wasn't involved...) I would wait it out a little longer, see if it gets worse or if the ex lets this die out. If he doesn't, then I would definitely find some time to speak with him about it. I hope something I said might help! :<
We had considered legal action, but my husband doesn't wish to get the law involved, partly because he does still worry about his ex's feelings (not in the least because he wouldn't survive 5 seconds in jail..what could I say, he used to have a type :P), and partly because he doesn't want tens more people to watch it as they'd have to in the court.
We were thinking setting him up with someone would be a good idea, but the problem is that he thinks his friends all think he's in a long term relationship so they cant do it, and my husband hasnt spoken to him in like 6 years so getting set up then would just be weird.
That's a tough spot to be in, I'd just hate for this to escalate even more, but it seems like this couldn't get much worse.. I mean a video uploaded to the internet like that... that's about as bad as it could get. :<
But, at least y'all shouldn't have to worry about it escalating to a concern for your physical safety, right? I mean, if he wouldn't survive in jail, then he could probably do little damage in a physical altercation... right? lol
I guess the best course of action might be to just to talk to him about this. If he's gone this far then ignoring it any longer might be a bad idea. Then again, if he's telling such blatant lies about your husband, then sooner or later everyone is going to find out it's not true and then he's dug a big fat lying hole for himself that is gonna be hell to try and get out of. I don't know, if this was me, I would call them out on it and it wouldn't be pretty. I'd do whatever I had to to make sure they understand it's over, they need to move on, and they need to stop lying about themselves and myself.
You should fight him...Show dominance and all that...Or you could confront him and get legal action, get a restraining order.
Sorry this has happened Flog, you seem like an awesome person. People are pretty fucked up, I know if someone did this with my partner...Well...I wouldn't be a free man.
Oh yeah we're in very little physical risk: not only does he not know where we live (we moved about 3 months ago, albeit within the same town) but I'm reasonably muscularish and my husband has military training, he'd have no chance. I doubt it'll come to that though thank god.
We were thinking of asking his friend where he lived and going over to see him (not sure how morally defensible getting someones address like that is..), but he has managed to keep up this lie for a good few years.
Then I guess a restraining order is your best bet.
I bet, no one really likes a betrayal of trust, an invasion of privacy, and...Just a pretty fucked up person.
I'm pretty sure attacking him would be illegal.
Thanks for the concern, Golden. Not really an ideal situation.
Then I guess a restraining order is your best bet.
I bet, no one really likes a betrayal of trust, an invasion of privacy, and...Just a pretty fucked up person.
You know what's best...My comments to you are disappearing tonight, wait a little longer for a response then. :P
That would be my number one fear that they might hurt me or try to physically intimidate me or someone else that knows me. I wouldn't stand for that. So y'all are in a good position as far as that goes I think.
Maybe you could get the mutual friend to arrange a 'hang out' and you two could conveniently be in the same area and talk to him. I know that's not much better, but if y'all came to his front door he might claim your husband for being a stalker or looking for a physical altercation and then it would be getting even worse.
Or you could have your mutual friend say something like, oh, hey why don't the three of us (the mutual friend, the ex, and your husband) hang out and see how the ex squirms in his own lies.
That's uh, that's creepy.
I guess if I were in your situation I would figure out a way to talk to him, maybe your husband and your mutual friend could talk to him at the same time? I don't know if you'd want to get directly involved, I guess it could help the situation, but it could also make it worse. No matter how you deal with this, that guy definitely has some issues, and probably needs professional help.
At least you got the video down though.
Bleah. This is now illegal in California, but of course, California is not the UK.
If this were to happen to me (I'm hetero, but suppose an ex-gf secretly filmed us and uploaded it), I would definitely confront her about it and ask what's going on. The guy needs to accept that you've moved on.
Yes you should. And you should do it in the middle of the woods, where no one is around...
Find him someone else so he can stop with the obsession over your husband perhaps? Some people are obsessive over people they have lust or love towards, he might need to find someone new in his life or something that will keep him from obsessing. Maybe just have a talk to him? If that fails you can always put a restraining order if you absolutely have to but never go down to the harshest punishments until you've at least spoken with him about this predicament.
Why does it always have to be solved with violence? Show some forgiveness guys, try to help them instead of thinking of calling the police first.
You should confront him and talk to him about it, if you think he's not dangerous. Help him and explain him what's wrong with what he's doing.
If he shows hostility or tries to hurt you, or keeps exposing private recordings of other people, call the police.
I don't even know what to say, to this. My honest reaction would to beat this guy's ass. In America you punch a gay dude, you can get in some big trouble regardless of what reason you may have, they'll cry hate crime,so you really can't do anything.
I have a tiny bit of sympathy for him due to the way your partner dumped him (dont get me wrong its a valid reason and to be fair he seems to have escaped a nutter) but to be honest it was years ago the guy needs to let it go, he seems like a legit stalker. I'd if you can tell them politely what you know and for them to stop and then keep an eye on it if they keep doing things you wont really have a choice but to inform the police, you cant let these things progress to a dangerous level.
The fight him part was more of a joke...However, with people like this, he won't stop until people higher than him makes him.
..I tink it's unlikely me and my husband would be prosecuted for hate crimes against gay people when both of us are gay :P
You should go and talk to the guy as long as both of you are not in any real physical danger from him. He should stop interfering in your lives.
Take that Motherfucker to Court!
Well, let's not judge him before Flog knows who he is.
And as for you Flog, what did your husband tell you about him? Is he unstable?
Did you even read?
He is stalking his husband, he uploaded a private video of them having sex without flog's husband's consent, he is talking like Flog's husband is his boyfriend. No...This guy is fucked up and we can judge him for his actions.
Never know in today's world. I mean people believe Micheal Brown was innocent.
I read it, and while it's disgusting that he did it, a conversation with the man would be better than throwing him into jail without meting him at least one time, just in case he might actually be going through something serious and that it could be solved without any outside intervention.
"That's fucking stupid Ben"
I was just talking about a restraining order but they could throw him in jail for what he did. I actually hope they do...For people like this...It doesn't stop. If you meet him again and talk to him, it will only show him that he got what he wanted...Their attention. Then he knows what he noticed and will keep doing more extreme things to get closer to him, he might be outside their house one night or in it. People like this WON'T stop until forced to...Restraining order might be the best they can do and it might not even stop it. However, it would get him in trouble for doing it where just talking to him won't.
He was actually pretty stable when going out (they did go out for a while after all).
I think he just..idk. I think he was in love with my husband when my husband wasn't there yet (it's not even personal tbh: it took 3 years for me and my husband to say those words.)
Some people just can't give up on stuff like that. He seemed stable when they were dating probably because your husband was his anchor...I could just be guessing though.
I leave this to you, I give you the best of luck.
You don't have the knowledge nor the right to judge him, only those who know him can.
This is the most bizarre situation I have ever heard anyone get into.
Anyway you and your husband should go confront the guy, get him to move on.
Yes we can...Can you judge Hitler for what he did?
These aren't mistakes. You don't accidentally post a video of you and someone having sex to a porn website and keep it up, you don't accidentally tell people you're going out with someone's husband.
He invaded your privacy and showed your private and personal life to others without permission. I think that is quite illigal. You must take him to court as soon as possible.
Comparing Hitler to a man who spread a sex video of someone else is tragically funny to me, it doesn't matter what he thought when he did it or what his intentions were, you cannot judge him like that, you don't know him and his past or his mental state, as opposed to Hitler where everyone know what his ideology is and what he did to achieve it.
I never said it was accidental, I said that you shouldn't judge him as some people will not judge you for worse.
Wasn't really comparing him...Hitler was just a villain to come to mind.
It's completely right...You didn't personally know Hitler. I can judge him as I can judge anyone, these acts are wrong and horrible to do to a Married couple. You don't do that! People have judged me for a lot less and we can judge him for this with even worse prejudice.
I don't know why you're defending a man attempting to ruin a relationship.
You compared him since you asked me if I can judge Hitler, to allegedly make me understand that you can judge them, that's what a comparison is: you use an example to make your point vivid.
I don't need to know Hitler, I can see that every family in my country is missing a huge portion of their loved ones, and I can infer that Hitler did it, whilst what he did might be a bad thing, you don't know him, his past relationships, his mental state (might have some missing screws) or anything else other than what Flog told us here.
Just because people have judged you doesn't mean you should judge others, don't do to another what is hated by you, especially if it's based on prejudice.
I'm not defending a man attempting to ruin a relationship, I am simply questioning his motives and your radical hostility towards a person you know nothing about, there's always a place for forgiveness in these small wrong doings - and it is a pretty small wrong doing compared to things like murder.
Not trying to defend him, I'm trying to stop you from judging someone harshly without knowing the background to what he does, he might deserve to be thrown into jail, and he might need to have a conversation to calm down.
Ugh...
Everything in that is not what i'm trying to express to you...You know what...You can keep thinking this guy's in the right but if you were in this situation you wouldn't. I feel bad for Flog and I hope this man has the most rightful judgment passed on by the law he can...Whether that be a restraining order or jail.
Are you not reading what I'm saying? I don't think he's "in the right" - I think based on our knowledge we have no right to say where he stands.
I feel bad for the guy just as much, and I hope this can be solved without punishing anyone, unless it's absolutely necessary.
You feel bad for the bad guy.
K.
The hell are you talking about? I said I feel bad for Flog; "the guy" was supposed to be referring to Flog :P
There's no "bad guy" and "good guy" - there's a guy in the wrong and a guy in the right, unless there's a very clear testament that he's a horrible sociopath or whatever...
Haha, should have just said Flog.
Little mistake on my part, we're all good.