Help!!! i don't know what to do???!!
i_want_bonnie_alive
Banned
in General Chat
Hello, my parents will leave each other, and I've been given an option to chose one of them, I really can not chose someone and leave the other person depressed, tried to commit suicide but one of my friends told me that this problem does not deserve it, I'm really tired of the the large number of problems , I need solutions.
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Your parents should never make you chose it was their decision to leave each other not yours, THEY chose to break up the family not you. So to put this type of pressure on you is disgraceful
Solutions I think their both the problem in this situation so I would decide based on location and opportunities for you own life which location you would like to live in more and go to school in imo
Maybe it's just hot smoke you never know they could get back together u never know
Make sure you tell them how hard this decision is and how hurt you are over this let them know it might help
They hate each other, I doubt they return to each other, and I told them that this is something very difficult but they do not ever hear me, they are hate me, and both of them are bad to me calling me "useless boy" and i've heard my mom telling her sister that she tired of me, and the only thing that i don't understand why she wants me so bad to leave dad with her????
Would any of your other family members be willing to take you because your mum and dad sound like utter shite for making you make that decision
They don't hate you they both love you some people find it hard to show it and sometimes say things they don;t mean that's why they are trying so hard to get you they obviously care
They both are hurting right now so will be acting immature and say stupid things they don't mean
Just make sure this doesn't get you depression or pull you down if you can't decide go to a quiet place and think sometimes time makes decisions like this clearer or the situation changes. Right now your mental health is the most important this is a terrible situation stay strong
How old are you if that's not too personal?
If you don't mind, can you say what led to the divorce? Was it mutual? If so, go with the one who needs more emotional support. If one of them is in a financial crisis, don't pick them, because caring for a child is pretty expensive.
Either way, it doesn't matter that much, you can visit each whenever you want to. It's just about who will take custody. You won't have to leave the other parent alone.
they won't say a word to me
they say i'm too young to understand
thank you for the advice, this means so much to me
no one
15
i'm trying hard to not commit suicide.
My parents got divorced when I was young I know how you feel and I promise you when this is over it gets much better you will be a stronger and happier person, everything will be better then fine it will be awesome both your parents will be happy and you can visit both all the time you don't need to worry at all
I really appreciate it, if it end than i hope i'm gonna be fine and okay like you said
thanks for giving me hope and for your kind words.
If you leave it to the council on most cases the mum will have custody.
How are you financially because if your fifteen you could move out in a couple of years
i'm actually planing to move out in 2018
That sucks
I guess you should just try to get the answer and insist that you deserve to know. But just focus on helping them for now.
i'm actually helping them ^^
thanks for the advice
Okay. Since you're a postpubescent teenage boy and having read above how your mother told your aunt how she's tired of you (which I consider a huge red flag), you should definitely go with your father.
At least he will be able to relate to your male issues and will be more prone to cut you some slack. You don't want to live the last years of your teenagehood under the same roof as a single woman unless it's clear you're welcome here and she intensely cares for you. Single mothers that resent their son's presence can be horribly manipulative and passive-agressive. I know the stories of two close aquaintances (one of them by best friend ever) who were also victims of divorce (they were age 11 and 14, let's call them Paul and Mark).
Paul didn't have a choice, his mother took him with his two sisters because she saw it as a victory, a way to punish the father. Despite the fact she constantly tried to make them hate the father (and was very manipulative about it, crying when he went spend time with him to make him feel guilty, etc), things were generally okay for him. Until he reached 15-16 and started to be a "man". She always had wanted the kid, but didn't want the man. (probably the fact he looked like his father a lot played a part) She started treating him very differently from his sisters with which she got very well along and had rejected the father long ago while he wouldn't. He was the "traitor" who still dared to want to see his father, she projected her hatred on him, criticizing him for petty things often using "you men" etc. I won't play Freud or anything but it's quite obvious she had a problem with his new masculinity. To keep it short, she made his life miserable, being constantly passive-agressive until he got the fuck out at 18. To this day he hates his mother and doesn't want to ever see it. He once shared the thought that, paradoxically, if his father had won the custody he'd probably still be in good terms with his mother.
Mark (my best friend) was 14 (single kid) when his parents divorced and he was asked to choose. He hated it and would advocate strongly against leaving choice to kids. Chose his mother because he thought she was the most emotionally vulnerable and was more afraid to hurt her than to hurt his father, who he felt was more solid and could recover more easily (which was the case).
Time he spent with his parents was about 70/30 (70 with mother, 30 with father) due to his father having a complicated job with night shifts and all, he could see him more during vacations though. Parents were in much better terms than in previous story, they just didn't want to live together anymore. The thing is, 6 months later, his mother found a guy (a deadbeat loser who came to live with them for a few weeks) and Mark didn't get along at all with this "boyfriend" of hers, who dumped her anyway after a while. She blamed Mark for not having made her boyfriend feel welcome and started resenting him a lot for "ruining her chances", being in the way of her love/sex relationships, etc. She spent all her years until she reached about 45 going out with her female friends in clubs, and she blamed Mark all the time for being at home and preventing her from bringing a man back home whenever she wanted. Turned out she had craved all along for some sort of single free woman lifestyle. Her female friends were often at home for dinner, have some glasses, etc, and speaking about their sex life, men, etc which made Mark very uncomfortable when he couldn't avoid being there.
But whenever he talked about moving to his father's (he was old enough to be independent and handle himself in father's absence, and his father was a relaxed man who was more than okay with it) his mother unexplainably burst into tears, got depressed, they had a very weird relationship where she wanted to be independent and "free" ...until Mark actually confronted her with the actual perspective. She was very insecure and emotionally dependent at heart. So out of guilt he sticked around until 20 when he couldn't stand it anymore, being blamed for staying and held responsible for her mother's inability to get herself a new man one day, and being guilt-tripped if he dared of talking about leaving her on her own the day after. So at 20 he found himself a student job and a student room and years have passed but his mother still resents him about that, while still blaming him for the opportunities she missed in her "last"good years" because he was in her way...
He regrets he hadn't went with his father anyway, since with his mother it was "damned if you do, damned if you don't" and he definitely hated all the moments he had to learn too much info about his mother's casual sex relationships. He told me once he thought in divorce rulings, it should be a rule that boys go with the father and girls with the mother.
That's it, now I guess two stories don't make a rule and your parents have their own personalities, etc... But still from my knowledge on the subject I would warn you against going with your mother unless you're 100% sure she wants you with her.
that's sad...
i'm not sure she wants me but she did gave me a promise that she will change and she's ready to take care of me
such a hard choice
It's much easier to say you'll change than to actually do it. Just keep that in mind.
I've never actually went through a divorse situation, since well, one of my parents died long ago. But anyway... I think maybe you should confront them about it, and know why. Your parents need to realize that this situation involves you and you need to be on the same level as them. Maybe somehow convince them to stay together. If they do still split, go with the one you feel at the least most comfortable with. You can still see the other, just in another house. Think of having two homes. And I always go by the saying "Where there are someone who thinks of you, that place is your home."
And don't commit suicide. You still have a whole life ahead of ya. Life always has its bullshit but it also has its finest moments. Don't let the drama take you down, pursue what you want to have and hold on to them. And I find it always helps to watch comedy videos, really helps the stress go down.
Man you kids need to learn how to use divorce to your advantage, play them off each other. They both want you, make them spend some money on you. Tell your mom dad says you can't afford to buy me a new PC, or vice versa. Substitute the PC for whatever you want, and bingo. Emotional extortion.
I hope you're joking. That's a awful shitty thing to do.
I'm mr SRS on the internet.
This isn't real...
Why is that?
Hahaha I completely agree. Might as well come out of the situation with some new bling, right?
Just because someone asks for help online, it isn't real?
How could you tell?
Try to break the fight up and tell them to give the other a second chance. Dont you listen to their words such as "you're too young to understand"
I can't even imagine what it feels like...but it doesn't worth ending your life. Please don't do it. It's a really tough call but you need to figure out something. Just be strong!
I just know..
I just wanted to point out that choosing one doesn't mean you'll never see the other again. Especially if you're 15, you'll soon be able to increase your mobility and can visit one or the other whenever it's a good time. You may even be able to change your mind later if you find you made the wrong decision and should really be living with the other. This will only be for a few years, and I know a few years seems like a lot when you're young, but it isn't really. You'll make it through this.