This tickles my curiosity. And just as That1guy said, we wont hate you, no matter what. This isnt a determinant outcome, its a Hudson's Choice(2 choices 1 outcome no matter what a.k.a TWD in a nutshell).
This is a long-ass comment, and it’s personal and shit, so don’t bother if you’re not going to pay attention, i just want this out there.
Alright, so, what i’m ‘bout to say is VERY personal and i guess dark? I dunno, but... I want people to know. I just do. You can judge me all you want, i can take it. I. Just. Need. You. To know.
So i’ve been thinking a lot. About me (because you’re a self-centred b-word /0/) and my life. About my problems. And, yeah, it’s kind of bad.
It started on my way home, this week, i think it was Thursday. And... There were these beggars that passed through cars. Just demanding that they get food and money and all that. I may sound like and arsehole, but... I suddenly felt this overwhelming burst of hatred towards them. I literally felt my eyes burn with it. I was so angry at them, i wanted to...
What marked me about them was their... Passiveness. They don’t fight. They’re not survivors. They’re weak, and they don’t want to change it, they just want to sit on their asses, step on their pride and wait for everything to fall on them. That’s not how this world works. This world is cruel. It’s also extremely beautiful. And it’s a world for survivors. And they gave up. And i couldn’t stand it.
I felt guilty. For not sympathizing. But i also felt like i despised them. They reminded me of... Of the people that i call “friends”. At school. At home. My friends are the gang of mutts, and they come to me so i can be their shield. I have been their shield for 4 years. No more.
The people rejected in my class by the popular, the bullied kids, they ALL come to me. In fact, EVERYONE comes to me. The popular kids, the weeaboos, the shy ones, the geniuses, the nerds, the pervs, the wannabes. Whatever type they are, and i can figure out what type they are, they come to me and they each leave something for me. A gift. A secret. A pain. Anything. Everything. I saw every person that i know cry at least once. I saw them cry, i saw them anxious, afraid, angry, frustrated, and they all come to ME. All of them. And they just sort of expect me to keep their secrets. And i do.
But my “friends” are the worst. They are the weak. The lonely. The sad. The suffering. And they come to me and cry, and i’m just silent. I never let them see me cry. Or be moved. I am not impressed by their weakness. I’m always angered. Always. But i never show it. I always spit out sweet words, because i don’t have the balls to tell them how pathetic they are. For not fixing their problems. For coming to me to shield them of bullies and their fears. I am their shield and sword. And i am good at it.
And each day i came home and took it ll out on... On my boxing sack. On car windows. On... On my little brother...
...
My little brother doesn’t deserve the venom i spit at him. The distance. He’s... He needs me more than any one of my “friends” that i don’t trust. They think i do, they think i trust them, that i told them my darkest secrets.
Heh.
Mum said i would make a good actor. She was right.
I can be whatever i want. Because i am Bipolar. I can be sweet, or i can be harsh.
Yeah.
I have Bipolar Disorder.
...
It was... Destroying my life. My very being. Depression became my core. Anger became my motivation. I was alone. I didn’t understand what was happening, didn’t know i was sick, i was feeling used, weak, expendable.
I am all of those but i’m not. I can be whatever i want.
But now... Now, i choose to be a monster. I choose to let myself be angry. I choose to not be a blanket anymore. I am a sword. I always were, and i always will be a sword. I’m going to stick around those runts and be a freaking mentor, because i am NOT letting them die. I am NOT letting them be weak. I will die trying to toughen them up.
This world is cruel. This world is beautiful.
...
It’s funny. Before i stumbled upon this forum, i was... I wouldn’t have wanted to keep going. I wouldn’t have wanted to be a sword. A blanket. I wouldn’t have wanted to be sick. I was honestly alone. I wanted to... Kill myself. And then came the horrifying discovery that i was too much of a coward to do it. To just make a simple cut. I was afraid... I wasn’t afraid of death, i was afraid of pain. It hurt so much, it always has, from the very beginning. It hurt being different, being rejected, being someone i don’t know... It hurt every minute of every hour. It still hurts. It hurt beyond words. It is unbearable, and i want it to stop.
This pain i’m always feeling, it feels strange. Like it’s not even mine. Bipolar Disorder means a life of extremes. Before, i couldn’t draw my life as a straight line. I still can’t. It’s all ups and downs, each ending in a sharp peak, and every time i climbed those hills, i killed a part of me, and i left a trail of blood. Never tears. And... Behind me comes a monster that i am. Me. I am chasing myself constantly. I am both the attacker and the victim. And i didn’t know where to run, because every time i turned the corner, there was me, smiling devilishly, empty eyes, no... No heart. Just sadness. Just hurt.
And then i found you guys. Yeah, you guys. The people i came to love more than anything else in the world. And i mean what i say right now. I know i am a good liar, i can lie, but... I’m being honest now. You guys... You saved my life. The life i didn’t really want. You saved it. Without knowing, you just did. And... And... I don’t even know why i’m posting this, but i am, because... It’s because i want you to know, damn it.
I slit my wrists. Yeah, i did. I attempted suicide. Just a few months ago, i believe. And then there were these AMAZING people, and they are all from the forums, and they convinced me not to... Not to do it. Just words. Their words saved me. I honestly wouldn’t be here right now if not for those simple words. If not from those people across the globe. I love them so much, they are truly... Amazing.
I am a monster. I am not going to dress it up. You can all come at me and say i’m not, like those people i mentioned, but it’s pointless, because it’s not going to change this simple fact for me. I’m not mad. Or sad. I am a monster. And i’m okay with it. I realised that i WANT to be a monster. I can fight, i want to fight, my body is itching to draw blood, or tears, or both, and i am a monster. I want people to feel how much it hurts. I want real people to be my boxing sacks. I want to...
I used to hate them all. Since i was very little, so little it creeps me out, i hated everybody. I hated them for rejecting me, for bullying me, for being happy. I wanted to murder anything and everything happy, i WANTED to be a murderer.
But, at the same time, i wanted to be away, to shove them all far far away, so i can’t hurt them. Because i loved them. I loved them and i hated them with all my might. These contradicting feelings made up my very core, and my existence is still made out of episodes. Manic episodes, and depressive episodes. It’s part of my sickness. It means i get about 15 minutes to an hour of being happy sometimes, and then i get either a whole day or a whole week of depression, and then i’m back at being happy again.
But, you see, the thing of it is, happiness lasts a moment. Sorrow leaves a scar. I am made of scars. I’ve gathered them. I’ve been gathering them for 14 years.
I suffer from depression, perfectionism, anxiety... I also can’t seem to be able to focus on anything for more than half an hour, which makes school extremely difficult. My being a Gemini AND having Bipolar Disorder was eating me up, because i couldn’t be what i wanted to be, what everyone else wanted me to be. They said it’s just a phase. It’s not. This is going to hold on for... Forever. And i’ve been trying and trying to make things right. I’ve been trying to be the best in class, to be the perfect daughter, sister, cousin, friend, EVERYTHING, because that is what everybody was expecting me to be. And every time i succeeded, the expectations grew. And at one point, i couldn’t climb the hill anymore. And i fell down. I fell down, and i fell in a pit, where NOBODY could drag me up. The only help i had laid in my own hands. But my hands were still sore from all the climbing. I was determined to stay in that pit and die there. Perhaps even speeding it up a little wouldn’t hurt. I got to the point where i prayed every night to a God i doubted that i wouldn’t wake up the next morning.
Yes, i am a Christian. Yes, i believe. I do. I believe.
But it wasn’t belief that pushed me up. That made me start climbing again. It was my pack. Those people whom i would take a bullet for in a heart beat. They need me. I need them. They pushed me up. I push them up. I didn’t say i am a wolf in the comic for nothing. I am lonely. I fear being lonely. I don’t fear being UNLOVED. I fear being ALONE. It is a totally different thing. I am a wolf. You are my pack. And i am determined to be here for my pack. I want to live. It’s all thanks to them. I want to live, and i want to kill everything that pushes me down. I want to live and rise the weak up. I am fast. Strong. Tough. Funny. Smart. I want to be faster, stronger tougher, smarter. I will die like that. I will die trying to be better. A wise friend from my pack said that all the bad things that happen to someone... He said they all turn someone into a better person. Heh, maybe i’ll become Jesus, because it hurts a whole lot.
I am going to die. You are going to die. Everyone is going to die. There’s no way to prevent it. I used to ask myself “What does it matter if it’s tomorrow or in 80 years?” Well, it does matter. The world is a shitty place. I want to make it better. I WILL make it better, if it’s the last thing i do. And God better at least let me try, because otherwise, my very existence would be pointless and i would give him a headache when i get to that Someplace with a capital S, where people go when they die.
All this time, i thought i was being used, and i was, i still am. I am NEEDED. I thought it a burden. It is and it isn’t. The perk of being used is that the whole weight of someone’s problems hang on you. And you can use it.
All those people that trust me, i know their weak spots. I wasn’t even aware of the fact i knew them, until now. But i do. And whenever push comes to shove, i can use it against them, and i won’t hesitate to. I will hurt them where it hurts most, because that is what i am supposed to do. Pain makes it better. Pain makes you tougher. I want them to be tough. And to not need me.
My mother needs me, because she is alone and misunderstood. My brother needs me, because i am his guardian. My father needs me, because i am his boxing sack. My uncle needs me, i know his dirty secrets. My grandma needs me because she has nobody else. My grandpa needs me because he is useless. Other people need me, because they just do. And i know it, and i am a monster for using their weak spots, but they are monsters for putting it all on my back since the very beginning. They rid me of an easy living.
I guess i should thank them for that.
Those people... I...
I know your weak spots, too. But i am not going to use them. I promise. Pinky swear.
They are my pack, and i love them all so much, and that’s why i had to... To do this. To post this. I felt like they deserve to... To know. Maybe you all think i am horrible. Immoral. A villain. Maybe i am. That doesn’t change the fact that you need me.
I am dying. There’s no sense in trying to deny that fact. But by being my pack, you risked going down with me. At one point, i wanted to keep you away, to remove the threat that i am.
You all do not understand how much i love you. You seriously don’t. You can’t, you never WILL understand. My life is a rollercoaster, and you chose to take this fun ride with me. I appreciate you all. And i also appreciate this forum, and i DO realise this place was never meant for this kind of deep crap, but... I had to. I had to do this. It is the only thing i will post about it.
What does it feel like, having Bipolar Disorder? It feels like... Like life is a river. And you are drowning. That everyone is using you as a raft, and each second is a struggle to keep your head out of the water. And you also feel like it’s useless. That the river is going nowhere. I have a lot of issues, Bipolar Disorder not especially being one of them. I am ugly, stupid, mean, a coward, fake, sick, pathetic, weak, annoying... I am a lot of things i am not proud of. I would say i’m sorry, but sorries never brought me anywhere. I did wrong things, too. Not what you might think, it’s just very complicated. I can’t express myself in any other way but these typed words. I don’t see myself as a good talker. But i am a very good listener. All this time, i was afraid of facing the real world, so that’s how i came to read 400 pages a week. Books are MY blanket. Words are my shield and sword. I’m both an angel, and a monster. People call me adorable, a puzzle, tough, shy, all that stuff. They have no idea. My face always has this bored, expressionless face, and people always ask “What’s wrong? Why are you sad? Give me a big smile!” and i always fake a smile FOR them. I’m not their fucking entertainer. I used to have nothing to smile about. Now i do. The forums changed that. I wish i could have said so, and if they were smart and could take a hint, they would back off.
My mother, i love her more than ANYTHING. Or ANYONE. My mother is amazing. An amazing person, an amazing Headmaster, an amazing...
...
She’s not... I never... She’s a Headmaster. The Headmaster at MY school. The second best in my country. Everyone was jealous, doubted my abilities. When i got first place on the exam that got me admitted to this school, everyone thought it was because of my mother. I never got respect, or acknowledging, or anything. And it hurt being gossiped about RIGHT next to you, and being hated, and envied. My life is nothing anyone should ever envy. I wish i could tell this to all those bastards out there in my class... I wish...
I hide my face behind a hoodie, i hide my neck with a scarf, i hide my brains under a hat. I hide everything about myself, because i can assure you nobody hates me more than i do, because i KNOW everything that’s wrong with me. And it’s tough. And i still have those depressive episodes when i am tired of everything. I always will. And they last longer, too. And, yes, it does hurt a lot. But people need me, and i sure as Hell am not going to leave them alone. Nobody should be alone.
...
So yeah. Sorry for making this thousands of pages long. It just takes a lot of explaining, and i do realise things are still confused, and i want you all to know i am confused too. I can’t tell you all of it. Doing so would cost me too much. If things get too bad, i will probably edit this comment out, even thought i initially didn’t want so. Looking back at what i typed, it is a lot to take in, and it is also pointless. But i wanted my pack to know at least a quarter of my story.
...
I can relate to Clementine. I know i lost a lot of things. My best friend died. My father... Sort of...
I can also relate to Bigby. I hurt people. Physically and mentally. But i can keep it in now.
I can relate to a lot of characters. It’s quite funny, actually.
This is a long-ass comment, and it’s personal and shit, so don’t bother if you’re not going to pay attention, i just want this out there.
A… morelright, so, what i’m ‘bout to say is VERY personal and i guess dark? I dunno, but... I want people to know. I just do. You can judge me all you want, i can take it. I. Just. Need. You. To know.
So i’ve been thinking a lot. About me (because you’re a self-centred b-word /0/) and my life. About my problems. And, yeah, it’s kind of bad.
It started on my way home, this week, i think it was Thursday. And... There were these beggars that passed through cars. Just demanding that they get food and money and all that. I may sound like and arsehole, but... I suddenly felt this overwhelming burst of hatred towards them. I literally felt my eyes burn with it. I was so angry at them, i wanted to...
What marked me about them was their... Passiveness. They don’t fight. They’re not survivors. They’re weak, and … [view original content]
And yeah, fuckers, that wasn't Azlyn. That was me. You bend over and take it, because i'm not Azlyn. I'm not cheerful all the time, i don't have honey coated words, and i'm no precious little flower, or a sweet girl. I am a survivor.
This is a long-ass comment, and it’s personal and shit, so don’t bother if you’re not going to pay attention, i just want this out there.
A… morelright, so, what i’m ‘bout to say is VERY personal and i guess dark? I dunno, but... I want people to know. I just do. You can judge me all you want, i can take it. I. Just. Need. You. To know.
So i’ve been thinking a lot. About me (because you’re a self-centred b-word /0/) and my life. About my problems. And, yeah, it’s kind of bad.
It started on my way home, this week, i think it was Thursday. And... There were these beggars that passed through cars. Just demanding that they get food and money and all that. I may sound like and arsehole, but... I suddenly felt this overwhelming burst of hatred towards them. I literally felt my eyes burn with it. I was so angry at them, i wanted to...
What marked me about them was their... Passiveness. They don’t fight. They’re not survivors. They’re weak, and … [view original content]
Jesus, Azlyn, it sounds like your life is terribly rough... I'm glad we, your pack, were there during your darkest hour and that we were able to, well, keep you alive. This thread would have been a lot more empty without your quirky comments to fill it.
So, if it means anything, thanks for being here with us.
This is a long-ass comment, and it’s personal and shit, so don’t bother if you’re not going to pay attention, i just want this out there.
A… morelright, so, what i’m ‘bout to say is VERY personal and i guess dark? I dunno, but... I want people to know. I just do. You can judge me all you want, i can take it. I. Just. Need. You. To know.
So i’ve been thinking a lot. About me (because you’re a self-centred b-word /0/) and my life. About my problems. And, yeah, it’s kind of bad.
It started on my way home, this week, i think it was Thursday. And... There were these beggars that passed through cars. Just demanding that they get food and money and all that. I may sound like and arsehole, but... I suddenly felt this overwhelming burst of hatred towards them. I literally felt my eyes burn with it. I was so angry at them, i wanted to...
What marked me about them was their... Passiveness. They don’t fight. They’re not survivors. They’re weak, and … [view original content]
Jesus, Azlyn, it sounds like your life is terribly rough... I'm glad we, your pack, were there during your darkest hour and that we were abl… moree to, well, keep you alive. This thread would have been a lot more empty without your quirky comments to fill it.
So, if it means anything, thanks for being here with us.
Yeah, i'm going through shit right now. I feel guilty for posting this.
But, thanks, anyways. For, you know, taking in my tiring existence here.
Thanks.
I dunno. I like non-serious commentaries. TLOU and TWD are one of my faves. Don't get me wrong, i LOVE Cry and Ken. But i dunno, they have t… moreheir differences. Pewds always tries to be funny, and he somehow pulls it off. Cry creates that awesome atmosphere with his FREAKING SMOOTH-ASS VOICE, Goddayum. And Ken always sorta has that bored sassy face and all, and he's sarcastic and just awesome. I can't choose a favorite, i love all three of them the same, really.
This was really hard for me to read just thinking of Azlyn. I'll be honest this deeply upsets me you feel this way. I am actually speakless your such a nice, special and beautiful person I don't care whatever you say nothing will convince me you aren't in fact this proves it. Azlyn please stop being so critical of yourself. It's weakness that makes you human. I actually had to stop reading I was so upset as suicide affected my life to and the fact you ever felt that was even an option I'm just confused reading this I see a girl with low-esteem there is nothing wrong with you Azlyn accept your faults you have such unbelievable potential your just so intelligent my dad also has bipolar I know what you mean. I'll do anything to help you
I have so much respect for you to sharing this
I'll expand later I'm actually so gutted I can't right now I want to help you so much
This is a long-ass comment, and it’s personal and shit, so don’t bother if you’re not going to pay attention, i just want this out there.
A… morelright, so, what i’m ‘bout to say is VERY personal and i guess dark? I dunno, but... I want people to know. I just do. You can judge me all you want, i can take it. I. Just. Need. You. To know.
So i’ve been thinking a lot. About me (because you’re a self-centred b-word /0/) and my life. About my problems. And, yeah, it’s kind of bad.
It started on my way home, this week, i think it was Thursday. And... There were these beggars that passed through cars. Just demanding that they get food and money and all that. I may sound like and arsehole, but... I suddenly felt this overwhelming burst of hatred towards them. I literally felt my eyes burn with it. I was so angry at them, i wanted to...
What marked me about them was their... Passiveness. They don’t fight. They’re not survivors. They’re weak, and … [view original content]
Aww, Mark, you feeling bad just shows how much of an asshole i am! I didn't mean to make all of you guys sad, i just wanted people to...
O just wanted you all to know i'm not as you think i am. Okay? I never meant for you all to think i'm even better than that, because i'm not! I am a murderer, and i...
I like this Azlyn more.
This was really hard for me to read just thinking of Azlyn. I'll be honest this deeply upsets me you feel this wa… morey. I am actually speakless your such a nice, special and beautiful person I don't care whatever you say nothing will convince me you aren't in fact this proves it. Azlyn please stop being so critical of yourself. It's weakness that makes you human. I actually had to stop reading I was so upset as suicide affected my life to and the fact you ever felt that was even an option I'm just confused reading this I see a girl with low-esteem there is nothing wrong with you Azlyn accept your faults you have such unbelievable potential your just so intelligent my dad also has bipolar I know what you mean. I'll do anything to help you
I have so much respect for you to sharing this
I'll expand later I'm actually so gutted I can't right now I want to help you so much
Aww, Mark, you feeling bad just shows how much of an asshole i am! I didn't mean to make all of you guys sad, i just wanted people to...
… moreO just wanted you all to know i'm not as you think i am. Okay? I never meant for you all to think i'm even better than that, because i'm not! I am a murderer, and i...
...
Nevermind...
The world is harsh place we just have to find the will to keep going and the unconditional passion to help others. I also understand much of this. I know plenty of what it felt like. I lost my mom when I was two and was lied about it till I was older. That started the pain, the hatred, the anger. My grandma died when I was 14 and I was then near emotionless.
I had people bully me a lot, I used to hang around with liars just so I couldn't be alone. People treated me like shit, but I still followed a false hope. I once met someone who I thought was my best friend but I was later on treated like shit and was betrayed. I was so enraged I wanted to kill everybody in that I saw. I wanted everyone to feel my pain as well. But I held it. I kept remembering my mom's face to stop me. I was finally alone for a while till someone actually helped me. I was careful at first but now I could see only good intentions from him.
When I played Ep2 and saw Ken I was near tears, then I hear my sis yell saying Mom was dead. I was enraged and sad because for many years of not having her I started to believe she never existed. And when I heard it reality hit me hard once again. And once when dad and sis argued he made her cry and I snapped and was ready to smash his face with the chair closest to me. It scared me of such a thought, I was unable to speak for a long time.
My dad always sheltered me for a long time, never getting to visit others often and always being in the house when it's not school. It frustrated me to hell that I had no freedom. Luckily I'm free now.
I also have a partial insanity problem where I just randomly have outbursts of excitement and I would enjoy seeing chaos. I even have mood swings. I also hear voices in my that they'll die, and sometimes it comes true. Like my voices said ultimate Warrior's gonna die and the next day, he did. I was terrified and I try to make it shut up. I dont want it to be true to someone I care for to be next.
In honesty I always had other's problems on my lap back at school it annoyed me. But as time went on I accepted the fact that this is what I was meant to do. As I helped others that were in painand lonely, and I always stepped in to help. I'm not entirely sure what triggered it, maybe it was my sister's attempted suicide. But now I just want to help others and making them happy. I dont care if I had the whole universe's pain ontop of my shoulders, I would still move to help and protect the one's I care, even strangers.
At times I was ready to give up but I kept pushing myself. I knew if I look back there would be others who needs me. I have this thing saying I must always keep moving and fighting to protect the ones I care. To make sure they dont suffer like I have. That was until I met you Azlyn. In many ways I see a younger-girl version of me and it pains me to know there's someone who suffered like me. We both act alike, suffered alot, and have many interests. You're the little sister I always wanted (escept the suffering part). We're not perfect, no one is. Just be proud you are who you are. I you want to absorb my happiness I'll let you do so. I'll give my blood to you to keep you going. Hold my hand and I'll lead you to happiness. There's no reason to feel ashamed if you cry cuz I know you do, cuz I sometimes cry, so that means you would too. It doesnt make you weak. It shows you're human, you may call yourself a monster, even if you were one, you still have a soul of human. If you ever feel lost me and the others will always be your shining beacon. You'll be lost, but you'll be found. And even if you are monster, you'll forever be my dear little sister.
This is a long-ass comment, and it’s personal and shit, so don’t bother if you’re not going to pay attention, i just want this out there.
A… morelright, so, what i’m ‘bout to say is VERY personal and i guess dark? I dunno, but... I want people to know. I just do. You can judge me all you want, i can take it. I. Just. Need. You. To know.
So i’ve been thinking a lot. About me (because you’re a self-centred b-word /0/) and my life. About my problems. And, yeah, it’s kind of bad.
It started on my way home, this week, i think it was Thursday. And... There were these beggars that passed through cars. Just demanding that they get food and money and all that. I may sound like and arsehole, but... I suddenly felt this overwhelming burst of hatred towards them. I literally felt my eyes burn with it. I was so angry at them, i wanted to...
What marked me about them was their... Passiveness. They don’t fight. They’re not survivors. They’re weak, and … [view original content]
The world is harsh place we just have to find the will to keep going and the unconditional passion to help others. I also understand much of… more this. I know plenty of what it felt like. I lost my mom when I was two and was lied about it till I was older. That started the pain, the hatred, the anger. My grandma died when I was 14 and I was then near emotionless.
I had people bully me a lot, I used to hang around with liars just so I couldn't be alone. People treated me like shit, but I still followed a false hope. I once met someone who I thought was my best friend but I was later on treated like shit and was betrayed. I was so enraged I wanted to kill everybody in that I saw. I wanted everyone to feel my pain as well. But I held it. I kept remembering my mom's face to stop me. I was finally alone for a while till someone actually helped me. I was careful at first but now I could see only good intentions from him.
When I played Ep2 and saw … [view original content]
That's my joker bro :') ^
The feel when I hear Tobi and Azlyn say their monsters your not your like me you are all awesome people we are just ahead of the curve believe me
Azlyn I heard you don't want to see me and Tobi's pictures in the lounge but I know you can't resist the sexy beasts much longer though you know you want to lol
Cool and also reveal a secret I don't know how much longer I'll be on the forum it could be anyday now I'll leave. I hate telltale and their games apart from S1 and see them as nothing but gangsters treating their customers like idiots with their explanations and all this Soon stuff and I won't be buying another telltale game (longstory).
Only reason I'm still here is because of my Bro's and Sistah's and this thread.
Anyway really long story and have many reasons to do with the forum and few things pissing me off here recently and this is most likely my last last few days on the forum I thought about it for a while tbh
No. This is actually a great place to take stuff out of your chest.
Sharing emotions is a great thing, it might be uncomfortable for some people, but you know there's going to be others that actually listen to you and try to help you.
Cool and also reveal a secret I don't know how much longer I'll be on the forum it could be anyday now I'll leave. I hate telltale and their… more games apart from S1 and see them as nothing but gangsters treating their customers like idiots with their explanations and all this Soon stuff and I won't be buying another telltale game (longstory).
Only reason I'm still here is because of my Bro's and Sistah's and this thread.
Anyway really long story and have many reasons to do with the forum and few things pissing me off here recently and this is most likely my last last few days on the forum I thought about it for a while tbh
I love you, too, big brother. I wish i could be useful and... And, i don't know, do something to help, but... But i don't know what, or how, or when, and i am getting more confused by the second, because i really DO love you all, and i really DO love this place, more than i should, more than i am allowed to, and i...
The only thing connecting us is my laptop. Without it, i would have never met you guys. I would be dead. A machine connects countless people from all over the world and i love you all, but repeating this phrase doesn't alter the... The unlikeliness of it. But i DO love you all a whole lot.
The world is harsh place we just have to find the will to keep going and the unconditional passion to help others. I also understand much of… more this. I know plenty of what it felt like. I lost my mom when I was two and was lied about it till I was older. That started the pain, the hatred, the anger. My grandma died when I was 14 and I was then near emotionless.
I had people bully me a lot, I used to hang around with liars just so I couldn't be alone. People treated me like shit, but I still followed a false hope. I once met someone who I thought was my best friend but I was later on treated like shit and was betrayed. I was so enraged I wanted to kill everybody in that I saw. I wanted everyone to feel my pain as well. But I held it. I kept remembering my mom's face to stop me. I was finally alone for a while till someone actually helped me. I was careful at first but now I could see only good intentions from him.
When I played Ep2 and saw … [view original content]
No. This is actually a great place to take stuff out of your chest.
Sharing emotions is a great thing, it might be uncomfortable for some people, but you know there's going to be others that actually listen to you and try to help you.
Azlyn I heard you don't want to see me and Tobi's pictures in the lounge but I know you can't resist the sexy beasts much longer though you know you want to lol
Cool and also reveal a secret I don't know how much longer I'll be on the forum it could be anyday now I'll leave. I hate telltale and their… more games apart from S1 and see them as nothing but gangsters treating their customers like idiots with their explanations and all this Soon stuff and I won't be buying another telltale game (longstory).
Only reason I'm still here is because of my Bro's and Sistah's and this thread.
Anyway really long story and have many reasons to do with the forum and few things pissing me off here recently and this is most likely my last last few days on the forum I thought about it for a while tbh
This is a long-ass comment, and it’s personal and shit, so don’t bother if you’re not going to pay attention, i just want this out there.
A… morelright, so, what i’m ‘bout to say is VERY personal and i guess dark? I dunno, but... I want people to know. I just do. You can judge me all you want, i can take it. I. Just. Need. You. To know.
So i’ve been thinking a lot. About me (because you’re a self-centred b-word /0/) and my life. About my problems. And, yeah, it’s kind of bad.
It started on my way home, this week, i think it was Thursday. And... There were these beggars that passed through cars. Just demanding that they get food and money and all that. I may sound like and arsehole, but... I suddenly felt this overwhelming burst of hatred towards them. I literally felt my eyes burn with it. I was so angry at them, i wanted to...
What marked me about them was their... Passiveness. They don’t fight. They’re not survivors. They’re weak, and … [view original content]
Comments
It's an honor to lead you, 'Stache. A true honor.
THAT IS RUE HOLY SHIT I ONLY NOW JUST REALISED
;-;
Rue...
This tickles my curiosity. And just as That1guy said, we wont hate you, no matter what. This isnt a determinant outcome, its a Hudson's Choice(2 choices 1 outcome no matter what a.k.a TWD in a nutshell).
An Eridan and a Sollux.
GODDAMNIT TOBI YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN THIS MAN KARKAT HORNS HE IS A CANCER AND A SOLKAT WOULD HAVE BEEN SO PRETTY GODDAMNIT
Can't you stay a bit longer? I need you here for a few minutes...
This is a long-ass comment, and it’s personal and shit, so don’t bother if you’re not going to pay attention, i just want this out there.
Alright, so, what i’m ‘bout to say is VERY personal and i guess dark? I dunno, but... I want people to know. I just do. You can judge me all you want, i can take it. I. Just. Need. You. To know.
So i’ve been thinking a lot. About me (because you’re a self-centred b-word /0/) and my life. About my problems. And, yeah, it’s kind of bad.
It started on my way home, this week, i think it was Thursday. And... There were these beggars that passed through cars. Just demanding that they get food and money and all that. I may sound like and arsehole, but... I suddenly felt this overwhelming burst of hatred towards them. I literally felt my eyes burn with it. I was so angry at them, i wanted to...
What marked me about them was their... Passiveness. They don’t fight. They’re not survivors. They’re weak, and they don’t want to change it, they just want to sit on their asses, step on their pride and wait for everything to fall on them. That’s not how this world works. This world is cruel. It’s also extremely beautiful. And it’s a world for survivors. And they gave up. And i couldn’t stand it.
I felt guilty. For not sympathizing. But i also felt like i despised them. They reminded me of... Of the people that i call “friends”. At school. At home. My friends are the gang of mutts, and they come to me so i can be their shield. I have been their shield for 4 years. No more.
The people rejected in my class by the popular, the bullied kids, they ALL come to me. In fact, EVERYONE comes to me. The popular kids, the weeaboos, the shy ones, the geniuses, the nerds, the pervs, the wannabes. Whatever type they are, and i can figure out what type they are, they come to me and they each leave something for me. A gift. A secret. A pain. Anything. Everything. I saw every person that i know cry at least once. I saw them cry, i saw them anxious, afraid, angry, frustrated, and they all come to ME. All of them. And they just sort of expect me to keep their secrets. And i do.
But my “friends” are the worst. They are the weak. The lonely. The sad. The suffering. And they come to me and cry, and i’m just silent. I never let them see me cry. Or be moved. I am not impressed by their weakness. I’m always angered. Always. But i never show it. I always spit out sweet words, because i don’t have the balls to tell them how pathetic they are. For not fixing their problems. For coming to me to shield them of bullies and their fears. I am their shield and sword. And i am good at it.
And each day i came home and took it ll out on... On my boxing sack. On car windows. On... On my little brother...
...
My little brother doesn’t deserve the venom i spit at him. The distance. He’s... He needs me more than any one of my “friends” that i don’t trust. They think i do, they think i trust them, that i told them my darkest secrets.
Heh.
Mum said i would make a good actor. She was right.
I can be whatever i want. Because i am Bipolar. I can be sweet, or i can be harsh.
Yeah.
I have Bipolar Disorder.
...
It was... Destroying my life. My very being. Depression became my core. Anger became my motivation. I was alone. I didn’t understand what was happening, didn’t know i was sick, i was feeling used, weak, expendable.
I am all of those but i’m not. I can be whatever i want.
But now... Now, i choose to be a monster. I choose to let myself be angry. I choose to not be a blanket anymore. I am a sword. I always were, and i always will be a sword. I’m going to stick around those runts and be a freaking mentor, because i am NOT letting them die. I am NOT letting them be weak. I will die trying to toughen them up.
This world is cruel. This world is beautiful.
...
It’s funny. Before i stumbled upon this forum, i was... I wouldn’t have wanted to keep going. I wouldn’t have wanted to be a sword. A blanket. I wouldn’t have wanted to be sick. I was honestly alone. I wanted to... Kill myself. And then came the horrifying discovery that i was too much of a coward to do it. To just make a simple cut. I was afraid... I wasn’t afraid of death, i was afraid of pain. It hurt so much, it always has, from the very beginning. It hurt being different, being rejected, being someone i don’t know... It hurt every minute of every hour. It still hurts. It hurt beyond words. It is unbearable, and i want it to stop.
This pain i’m always feeling, it feels strange. Like it’s not even mine. Bipolar Disorder means a life of extremes. Before, i couldn’t draw my life as a straight line. I still can’t. It’s all ups and downs, each ending in a sharp peak, and every time i climbed those hills, i killed a part of me, and i left a trail of blood. Never tears. And... Behind me comes a monster that i am. Me. I am chasing myself constantly. I am both the attacker and the victim. And i didn’t know where to run, because every time i turned the corner, there was me, smiling devilishly, empty eyes, no... No heart. Just sadness. Just hurt.
And then i found you guys. Yeah, you guys. The people i came to love more than anything else in the world. And i mean what i say right now. I know i am a good liar, i can lie, but... I’m being honest now. You guys... You saved my life. The life i didn’t really want. You saved it. Without knowing, you just did. And... And... I don’t even know why i’m posting this, but i am, because... It’s because i want you to know, damn it.
I slit my wrists. Yeah, i did. I attempted suicide. Just a few months ago, i believe. And then there were these AMAZING people, and they are all from the forums, and they convinced me not to... Not to do it. Just words. Their words saved me. I honestly wouldn’t be here right now if not for those simple words. If not from those people across the globe. I love them so much, they are truly... Amazing.
I am a monster. I am not going to dress it up. You can all come at me and say i’m not, like those people i mentioned, but it’s pointless, because it’s not going to change this simple fact for me. I’m not mad. Or sad. I am a monster. And i’m okay with it. I realised that i WANT to be a monster. I can fight, i want to fight, my body is itching to draw blood, or tears, or both, and i am a monster. I want people to feel how much it hurts. I want real people to be my boxing sacks. I want to...
I used to hate them all. Since i was very little, so little it creeps me out, i hated everybody. I hated them for rejecting me, for bullying me, for being happy. I wanted to murder anything and everything happy, i WANTED to be a murderer.
But, at the same time, i wanted to be away, to shove them all far far away, so i can’t hurt them. Because i loved them. I loved them and i hated them with all my might. These contradicting feelings made up my very core, and my existence is still made out of episodes. Manic episodes, and depressive episodes. It’s part of my sickness. It means i get about 15 minutes to an hour of being happy sometimes, and then i get either a whole day or a whole week of depression, and then i’m back at being happy again.
But, you see, the thing of it is, happiness lasts a moment. Sorrow leaves a scar. I am made of scars. I’ve gathered them. I’ve been gathering them for 14 years.
I suffer from depression, perfectionism, anxiety... I also can’t seem to be able to focus on anything for more than half an hour, which makes school extremely difficult. My being a Gemini AND having Bipolar Disorder was eating me up, because i couldn’t be what i wanted to be, what everyone else wanted me to be. They said it’s just a phase. It’s not. This is going to hold on for... Forever. And i’ve been trying and trying to make things right. I’ve been trying to be the best in class, to be the perfect daughter, sister, cousin, friend, EVERYTHING, because that is what everybody was expecting me to be. And every time i succeeded, the expectations grew. And at one point, i couldn’t climb the hill anymore. And i fell down. I fell down, and i fell in a pit, where NOBODY could drag me up. The only help i had laid in my own hands. But my hands were still sore from all the climbing. I was determined to stay in that pit and die there. Perhaps even speeding it up a little wouldn’t hurt. I got to the point where i prayed every night to a God i doubted that i wouldn’t wake up the next morning.
Yes, i am a Christian. Yes, i believe. I do. I believe.
But it wasn’t belief that pushed me up. That made me start climbing again. It was my pack. Those people whom i would take a bullet for in a heart beat. They need me. I need them. They pushed me up. I push them up. I didn’t say i am a wolf in the comic for nothing. I am lonely. I fear being lonely. I don’t fear being UNLOVED. I fear being ALONE. It is a totally different thing. I am a wolf. You are my pack. And i am determined to be here for my pack. I want to live. It’s all thanks to them. I want to live, and i want to kill everything that pushes me down. I want to live and rise the weak up. I am fast. Strong. Tough. Funny. Smart. I want to be faster, stronger tougher, smarter. I will die like that. I will die trying to be better. A wise friend from my pack said that all the bad things that happen to someone... He said they all turn someone into a better person. Heh, maybe i’ll become Jesus, because it hurts a whole lot.
I am going to die. You are going to die. Everyone is going to die. There’s no way to prevent it. I used to ask myself “What does it matter if it’s tomorrow or in 80 years?” Well, it does matter. The world is a shitty place. I want to make it better. I WILL make it better, if it’s the last thing i do. And God better at least let me try, because otherwise, my very existence would be pointless and i would give him a headache when i get to that Someplace with a capital S, where people go when they die.
All this time, i thought i was being used, and i was, i still am. I am NEEDED. I thought it a burden. It is and it isn’t. The perk of being used is that the whole weight of someone’s problems hang on you. And you can use it.
All those people that trust me, i know their weak spots. I wasn’t even aware of the fact i knew them, until now. But i do. And whenever push comes to shove, i can use it against them, and i won’t hesitate to. I will hurt them where it hurts most, because that is what i am supposed to do. Pain makes it better. Pain makes you tougher. I want them to be tough. And to not need me.
My mother needs me, because she is alone and misunderstood. My brother needs me, because i am his guardian. My father needs me, because i am his boxing sack. My uncle needs me, i know his dirty secrets. My grandma needs me because she has nobody else. My grandpa needs me because he is useless. Other people need me, because they just do. And i know it, and i am a monster for using their weak spots, but they are monsters for putting it all on my back since the very beginning. They rid me of an easy living.
I guess i should thank them for that.
Those people... I...
I know your weak spots, too. But i am not going to use them. I promise. Pinky swear.
They are my pack, and i love them all so much, and that’s why i had to... To do this. To post this. I felt like they deserve to... To know. Maybe you all think i am horrible. Immoral. A villain. Maybe i am. That doesn’t change the fact that you need me.
I am dying. There’s no sense in trying to deny that fact. But by being my pack, you risked going down with me. At one point, i wanted to keep you away, to remove the threat that i am.
You all do not understand how much i love you. You seriously don’t. You can’t, you never WILL understand. My life is a rollercoaster, and you chose to take this fun ride with me. I appreciate you all. And i also appreciate this forum, and i DO realise this place was never meant for this kind of deep crap, but... I had to. I had to do this. It is the only thing i will post about it.
What does it feel like, having Bipolar Disorder? It feels like... Like life is a river. And you are drowning. That everyone is using you as a raft, and each second is a struggle to keep your head out of the water. And you also feel like it’s useless. That the river is going nowhere. I have a lot of issues, Bipolar Disorder not especially being one of them. I am ugly, stupid, mean, a coward, fake, sick, pathetic, weak, annoying... I am a lot of things i am not proud of. I would say i’m sorry, but sorries never brought me anywhere. I did wrong things, too. Not what you might think, it’s just very complicated. I can’t express myself in any other way but these typed words. I don’t see myself as a good talker. But i am a very good listener. All this time, i was afraid of facing the real world, so that’s how i came to read 400 pages a week. Books are MY blanket. Words are my shield and sword. I’m both an angel, and a monster. People call me adorable, a puzzle, tough, shy, all that stuff. They have no idea. My face always has this bored, expressionless face, and people always ask “What’s wrong? Why are you sad? Give me a big smile!” and i always fake a smile FOR them. I’m not their fucking entertainer. I used to have nothing to smile about. Now i do. The forums changed that. I wish i could have said so, and if they were smart and could take a hint, they would back off.
My mother, i love her more than ANYTHING. Or ANYONE. My mother is amazing. An amazing person, an amazing Headmaster, an amazing...
...
She’s not... I never... She’s a Headmaster. The Headmaster at MY school. The second best in my country. Everyone was jealous, doubted my abilities. When i got first place on the exam that got me admitted to this school, everyone thought it was because of my mother. I never got respect, or acknowledging, or anything. And it hurt being gossiped about RIGHT next to you, and being hated, and envied. My life is nothing anyone should ever envy. I wish i could tell this to all those bastards out there in my class... I wish...
I hide my face behind a hoodie, i hide my neck with a scarf, i hide my brains under a hat. I hide everything about myself, because i can assure you nobody hates me more than i do, because i KNOW everything that’s wrong with me. And it’s tough. And i still have those depressive episodes when i am tired of everything. I always will. And they last longer, too. And, yes, it does hurt a lot. But people need me, and i sure as Hell am not going to leave them alone. Nobody should be alone.
...
So yeah. Sorry for making this thousands of pages long. It just takes a lot of explaining, and i do realise things are still confused, and i want you all to know i am confused too. I can’t tell you all of it. Doing so would cost me too much. If things get too bad, i will probably edit this comment out, even thought i initially didn’t want so. Looking back at what i typed, it is a lot to take in, and it is also pointless. But i wanted my pack to know at least a quarter of my story.
...
I can relate to Clementine. I know i lost a lot of things. My best friend died. My father... Sort of...
I can also relate to Bigby. I hurt people. Physically and mentally. But i can keep it in now.
I can relate to a lot of characters. It’s quite funny, actually.
...
Anyways, yeah. I hope things will be alright.
Woah, this really IS freaking long.
(THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!)
And yeah, fuckers, that wasn't Azlyn. That was me. You bend over and take it, because i'm not Azlyn. I'm not cheerful all the time, i don't have honey coated words, and i'm no precious little flower, or a sweet girl. I am a survivor.
Jesus, Azlyn, it sounds like your life is terribly rough... I'm glad we, your pack, were there during your darkest hour and that we were able to, well, keep you alive. This thread would have been a lot more empty without your quirky comments to fill it.
So, if it means anything, thanks for being here with us.
GOD FUCKING DAMN IT I'M CRYING
Yeah, i'm going through shit right now. I feel guilty for posting this.
But, thanks, anyways. For, you know, taking in my tiring existence here.
Thanks.
No problem.
Guys...?
Does my getting so personal over here make you uncomfortable or annoy you in any way?
Yeah,I think the same about them
I like this Azlyn more.
This was really hard for me to read just thinking of Azlyn. I'll be honest this deeply upsets me you feel this way. I am actually speakless your such a nice, special and beautiful person I don't care whatever you say nothing will convince me you aren't in fact this proves it. Azlyn please stop being so critical of yourself. It's weakness that makes you human. I actually had to stop reading I was so upset as suicide affected my life to and the fact you ever felt that was even an option I'm just confused reading this I see a girl with low-esteem there is nothing wrong with you Azlyn accept your faults you have such unbelievable potential your just so intelligent my dad also has bipolar I know what you mean. I'll do anything to help you
I have so much respect for you to sharing this
I'll expand later I'm actually so gutted I can't right now I want to help you so much
Yeah Rue's awesome
Aww, Mark, you feeling bad just shows how much of an asshole i am! I didn't mean to make all of you guys sad, i just wanted people to...
O just wanted you all to know i'm not as you think i am. Okay? I never meant for you all to think i'm even better than that, because i'm not! I am a murderer, and i...
...
Nevermind...
Dearly bruhloved we are swaggered here today to join these two bros in holy matrihomie.
I just. YEAH.
Your better then I taught you were I like this Azlyn even more I just wish I could help better
SaltLick: THIS ISNT EVEN MY FINAL FORM.
I try to please.
Jeez, bro. Thanks.
Do I really deserve such an awesome friend? Has my back even if we spend months without talking. Some of these Forumers should learn from you.
O rlly.
You're helping, Mark. I told you all you all you don't know it, but you're helping.
So chill.
The world is harsh place we just have to find the will to keep going and the unconditional passion to help others. I also understand much of this. I know plenty of what it felt like. I lost my mom when I was two and was lied about it till I was older. That started the pain, the hatred, the anger. My grandma died when I was 14 and I was then near emotionless.
I had people bully me a lot, I used to hang around with liars just so I couldn't be alone. People treated me like shit, but I still followed a false hope. I once met someone who I thought was my best friend but I was later on treated like shit and was betrayed. I was so enraged I wanted to kill everybody in that I saw. I wanted everyone to feel my pain as well. But I held it. I kept remembering my mom's face to stop me. I was finally alone for a while till someone actually helped me. I was careful at first but now I could see only good intentions from him.
When I played Ep2 and saw Ken I was near tears, then I hear my sis yell saying Mom was dead. I was enraged and sad because for many years of not having her I started to believe she never existed. And when I heard it reality hit me hard once again. And once when dad and sis argued he made her cry and I snapped and was ready to smash his face with the chair closest to me. It scared me of such a thought, I was unable to speak for a long time.
My dad always sheltered me for a long time, never getting to visit others often and always being in the house when it's not school. It frustrated me to hell that I had no freedom. Luckily I'm free now.
I also have a partial insanity problem where I just randomly have outbursts of excitement and I would enjoy seeing chaos. I even have mood swings. I also hear voices in my that they'll die, and sometimes it comes true. Like my voices said ultimate Warrior's gonna die and the next day, he did. I was terrified and I try to make it shut up. I dont want it to be true to someone I care for to be next.
In honesty I always had other's problems on my lap back at school it annoyed me. But as time went on I accepted the fact that this is what I was meant to do. As I helped others that were in painand lonely, and I always stepped in to help. I'm not entirely sure what triggered it, maybe it was my sister's attempted suicide. But now I just want to help others and making them happy. I dont care if I had the whole universe's pain ontop of my shoulders, I would still move to help and protect the one's I care, even strangers.
At times I was ready to give up but I kept pushing myself. I knew if I look back there would be others who needs me. I have this thing saying I must always keep moving and fighting to protect the ones I care. To make sure they dont suffer like I have. That was until I met you Azlyn. In many ways I see a younger-girl version of me and it pains me to know there's someone who suffered like me. We both act alike, suffered alot, and have many interests. You're the little sister I always wanted (escept the suffering part). We're not perfect, no one is. Just be proud you are who you are. I you want to absorb my happiness I'll let you do so. I'll give my blood to you to keep you going. Hold my hand and I'll lead you to happiness. There's no reason to feel ashamed if you cry cuz I know you do, cuz I sometimes cry, so that means you would too. It doesnt make you weak. It shows you're human, you may call yourself a monster, even if you were one, you still have a soul of human. If you ever feel lost me and the others will always be your shining beacon. You'll be lost, but you'll be found. And even if you are monster, you'll forever be my dear little sister.
That's my joker bro :') ^
The feel when I hear Tobi and Azlyn say their monsters your not your like me you are all awesome people we are just ahead of the curve believe me
Thanks, man.
On a side note I should make a Joker tribute sometime.
Azlyn I heard you don't want to see me and Tobi's pictures in the lounge but I know you can't resist the sexy beasts much longer though you know you want to lol
Cool and also reveal a secret I don't know how much longer I'll be on the forum it could be anyday now I'll leave. I hate telltale and their games apart from S1 and see them as nothing but gangsters treating their customers like idiots with their explanations and all this Soon stuff and I won't be buying another telltale game (longstory).
Only reason I'm still here is because of my Bro's and Sistah's and this thread.
Anyway really long story and have many reasons to do with the forum and few things pissing me off here recently and this is most likely my last last few days on the forum I thought about it for a while tbh
I forgot how to post videos...
No. This is actually a great place to take stuff out of your chest.
Sharing emotions is a great thing, it might be uncomfortable for some people, but you know there's going to be others that actually listen to you and try to help you.
No! Please don't leave the forums... Even if it's only for this thread and the people on it. Please don't leave...
That drawing teared me up.
I love you, too, big brother. I wish i could be useful and... And, i don't know, do something to help, but... But i don't know what, or how, or when, and i am getting more confused by the second, because i really DO love you all, and i really DO love this place, more than i should, more than i am allowed to, and i...
The only thing connecting us is my laptop. Without it, i would have never met you guys. I would be dead. A machine connects countless people from all over the world and i love you all, but repeating this phrase doesn't alter the... The unlikeliness of it. But i DO love you all a whole lot.
And, with the voices...
I feel you, Tobi.
Yep.
Alright...
x3
No, really, i don't, i keep thinking of both of you as your avatars. It's easier. And, i guess, a little bit of mystery doesn't hurt.
Like, i'm serious, if your avatar were a goat, i would literally imagine you're a goat until proven otherwise.
The globe icon, paste the URL 2 times.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I know I've seen this already, but I'm gonna say it again, we're all in this together.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDHYZtwjFTs
Feeling better?