Thanks for Y'alls Input!: What do you look for in a Boyfriend/Girlfriend?
So, recently I feel I've been undergoing a existential crisis regarding dating/relationships/marriage.
My first question is, what is most important to you when looking for a boyfriend / girlfriend? Include things like your age, your sex, (you can say if you prefer men, women, both, whichever this is for everyone of every sexuality.) Not only, what is most important to you, what other things matter? (If anything besides looks.)
I'm even gonna make a little poll:
Poll for Men:
Poll for Women:
And bottom line, do men only date based off of looks? I'm not saying that in the whole of things, men are just looking for the hottest chick to bang. (Which, me personally, with all my experiences, this is the case and they don't want to admit it for fear of lash back.)
To clarify, girls do it too, they look for the hot guys and will turn down okay, or so-so guys because they aren't attractive enough.
I get that being attracted to someone is incredibly important, but is it really all that matters anymore?
From all my experiences in my life, it really is all that matters. I'd really like someone to prove me wrong, or some people. But I seriously can't believe that people will date or get married for any other reason.
Why would a man become a father and be weighed down with taking care of a family when he could life a no strings attached sex filled life? Why would a woman throw away her future and life so she could have some children of some man whom only values her for her looks?
Yes, I know I'm probably seeing things from a very dim point of view. Like I said, with all the experiences in my life, all that 'love' and relationships really equate back too is sex. Can I own this woman by marrying her? Can I control this man by marrying him?
I just don't get it anymore. Love makes absolutely no sense to me. If someone, or some members of the community could clarify what it means to you personally, I would greatly appreciate some other points of view.
Comments
I'm a man but the poll for men just asks me about what I look for in a woman, so I guess I'll just reply here.
Anyway, in looking for a boyfriend/husband/whatever there's obvious physical factors - basically every non-asexual person who says there aren't is lying - but these are superseded by emotional ones. That is to say, an average looking person with a great personality is far more appealing than a great looking person with a meh personality.
How important attractiveness is to you depends on lots of things. Whether they actively repulse you or just don't make you swoon every time you see them, whether you both want to have sex really often in the first place, etc. Remember that just because some people think one thing is really important, that shouldnt influence what you do.
For me, personality wise, I look for someone who is definitely different to me, but with the same basic social views. For example, I am a writer, my husband is in the army, and we are both very liberal and basically pro-freedom and anti-limitation based on things that aren't decided by oneself: very different professions and very similar outlooks on life and morals we hold as important. Having this basic difference with common foundation underneath means that if the higher levels or personality clash, the lower ones keep the relationship from breaking.
Again that is just my personal view. You may view being in a relationship with people who are incredibly similar to you as the ideal; that's cool. But I would say that, at least from my and my friends' experiences, having fundamental similarities, such as intentions for the future and moral values, is essential to a healthy romantic relationship.
Love for me is about support and mutual understanding.
Here we go, probably will get shit for this because i'm just a teen but fuck it.
Well...I'm Golden, I'm a teen, I'm male and I'm interested in women only. (This feels like AA) I looked for someone that could actually give a shit about me and who I am, someone who could share similar interests and great conversations. I'm not going to lie, while personality is my big thing, looks do make a difference (Sorry if that sounds shallow, just saying the truth). I have a girlfriend I think and know is beautiful, although others may disagree I will defend her. I actually was insulted today for dating someone "Out of my league"...Yeah...
People as they get older realize that their prime is behind them, that it's time to relax and pass on your genes to your children. It's natural, sometimes you have to find the right person, someone that realizes this and loves you for you. While sex (At your point in life) is a big factor in a lot of things, you will reach a point where people will find you the most beautiful person and will want to marry you for you. Of course this decision is dependent of you and to use your better judgment when making a big decision like that.
Love to me is just...Accepting a person for who they are...All their mistakes and quirks...Wanting t stand by their side for the rest of your life...It's a feeling you might realize right away...Other times you won't but it will happen.
Sorry Flog, I should've fixed it to include a more open answer for homosexual and bisexual and asexual persons, I apologize. I appreciate the input anyways.
Anyways, what does asexual mean? I had always assumed it was in reference to someone who wasn't interested in either sex or in sexual activities in general. And I totally understand what you mean about a great looking person meh personality, that was the last sort of 'romantic' issue I went through, realizing that usually someone whom is really attractive can be really ugly on the inside and it ruins them as a whole, making their outside physical attractiveness easily shattered once the inner person becomes known.
I've only ever had one guy who made me swoon, my heart still jumps every time I see him to the point where my brain shuts off and I can't even think. I've never felt that way about anyone since him, and that was 6 years ago...
Thank you for all the insight and opinions. I really do appreciate it.
Asexual people aren't interested in sex or sexual activities in general, you're right. Thus they would base all relationships on personal qualities, not sexual attraction, and thus not physical factors.
Physical attractiveness over personality, even though I would like a great personality in a woman I think probably the main thing about being attracted to someone is on the physical side, for me at least.
Being a teen just brings diversity to the conversation, so don't discount yourself for being a teenager.
Well obviously being physically attracted to someone is important, no one should give you crap for that. What I was trying to say was, in this day and age, I feel as if that's legitimately all that matters. If you don't got the goods, then you don't have any luck. And if you don't put out, you don't have any chance at all.
It's interesting what you have to say about the 'passing on of genes to your children'... Can I ask if you have any desire to have children other than for the sake of passing on your genetic DNA to another version of you? Or do you want to be a father one day and have a family, and for what reasons?
I understand your definition of love, but I just think that love is still something that only occurs if you are physically attractive or beautiful (for a woman's anyways), so if not, you're SOL.
So, do asexual people get into relationships or 'unions' I guess? I just find it hard to believe that people would actually date for the sole reason that they love that person for who they are, not how hot they are or how good they are in bed. I've been told by plenty of guys that unless I put out, I've never find someone to date or anything really.
I have a friend who's asexual, and has a girlfriend. Their relationship is based off of each others personality.
Well, at least your honest about that. If I was dating someone with that POV I would at least want them to tell me so I'd know that's really what they want.
Asexual people form pairings all the time. Romance doesn't depend on sex - my husband is often abroad because of his job and so our sex is infrequent on average, yet we have been together for years.
To be fair, the perception of sex being related to union at all is entirely societal.
That is to say, there's no specific reason that sex should be done with people you're in a relationship with, or that you should have a relationship that must be sexual.
In the past few decades, we've started realising this. Increasing acceptance of interracial relationships, homosexual ones, and now polyamorous ones are symptomatic of our increasingly liberal and progressive views towards sexuality. Now people are realising that sex has absolutely nothing to do with getting on with someone personally, and there's no particular reason why it should. People are rightly campaigning for prostitution to be legalised, for example.
More people need to start - and are starting - to realise that sexual attraction doesn't define romance even remotely, and that we only believe it does because society has taught us that for thousands of years, not because it's factually correct.
Wasn't talking about you judging and discrediting my opinion but others.
Does looks matter a lot? Yes, sadly it does however not everyone judges off of looks. I feel like people in jobs or society does care about looks but care more about who will make them more money. Therefore it is more likely to get ahead with looks in society, but I doubt that's what you care about. In love, it's different, what someone loves is based on them so there is no definite answer of what's attractive. I love my girlfriend and care about her, she may not be a super model but to me...She is. Do I want sex? No. I will let her decide when she is ready for that, i'm not going to force it on her, it's her choice.
The whole passing on genes thing was more of a joke. :P We learned some more about evolution today in one of my science classes and decided to reference that...Hard to understand over the internet. Yes, I want a family, I also want to be remembered by people (Different story), If I could have one child I would want it to be a girl, I feel important when I have someone to protect and love. I feel like having a girl, I could help them through tough situations as I could be that great dad.
Love is a strange thing Hollay...There is no perfect reason to love someone... It was the first day I saw my girlfriend...I had yet to talk to her but I felt a strange connection like I knew exactly who she was and how to approach her. I followed my gut on that...Was it love just connecting to me (True love on first sight) or me attracted to her physical appearance...I don't know myself, I would like to think it was love but I can never know, all I can know is how I feel right now.
I'm confused by this: you are aware that there are large numbers of couples of whom neither are physically attractive, but love each other, right?
Unless...do you think true love requires someone to be very attractive by society's standards? If so that's very worrying and even more symptomatic of society's issues.
I'm 14 and a male. I look for someone with the same common interests and someone who I can have fun with and have long conversations. I guess I look for a balance between personality and looks.
For looks, I don't really care too much about the body. I prefer not so chubby girls and that's basically it for the body. I also don't really care about breasts and ass. My friends would make fun of me for dating a girl who's bra cup size was B. What I mostly focus on looks is the face and the hairstyle. Yeah, hairstyles, for me at least, is a big factor on looking cute/beautiful/gorgeous/ect. I believe the face is also a big factor, since you're going to look at it for a long time.
For personality, I look for someone who shares the same interests as me. Someone who I can talk to about my feelings and they will always be willing to listen, someone who I can talk to for hours. I also would not date a clueless dumb girl. I would like to date someone who's intelligent and caring. Some girl with a good sense of humor.
Love for me is having a person who will always care for you. Be there in your darkest time. That one person who will always be available for you.
Honestly, in my experience I found its better being with a woman who has a great personality rather than looks. Looks pretty much mean nothing to me at this point.
Your definition of love is very one-sided; is that intentional? I'm curious.
I would rather have a girl with a awesome personality than how good they look. But I also think that one of the biggest reasons, if not the biggest reason people want to date each other is based how good they look.
No, I would also do the same thing for her or even more. Sorry if it did sound one sided.
Well... I'm a young teenage male. Right now I'm interested in women, but I want to keep my mind open to men. Right now I'm not sure what I look for. Someone once told me that it wasn't about how you looked, how smart you were, or how nice you were. It kind of confused me. But anyway. These days I feel people judge by looks, and I admit I'm guilty a few times of the same thing in the past but now I'm ahead of it. Now I'm not even sure, I don't know what to base people off of, because I could love anybody. There are so many men/women out there, but there's only one for you, and finding that person is what's important.
I could go on and on about what I want my girlfriend to be like, but what's most important? That's a hard question, I don't know what to look for. I'm really confused about all of this, all of love. I believe everyone is good, but love, but marriage, that's something that has to be true, and I don't know what that means yet. I'm sorry I can't answer this question properly at all, but I'm trying :P.
When I was younger I always wanted to have a girlfriend, someone who understood me, someone who would be there for me. But growing up I kind of hardened. I don't feel the need to have anybody anymore, but it would still be nice. The problem is my communication with girls is like 0/10, I just can't communicate properly around them so I can't even attempt to talk to them without making a fool out of myself or feeling very uncomfortable. I don't mind remaining single, and I'm pretty sure I'll die single but that might just be low self esteem talking but still, it feels like its truth. I can't really try anymore. Just because I'm nice on here doesn't mean I'm nice in real life. I'm not a very ideal person to date, so I don't mind not having a partner, but I'm just scared my parents may be disappointed.
I've convinced myself that I don't need someone else. I have my family, my friends, and my family on this forum. I'll just rely on fate, if I wasn't meant to be with anyone then that's okay with me. I still kinda do want a girlfriend but if nobody's interested in me I could care less.
EDIT: I was going to add some music videos but I decided not to. But the songs were "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons, and "Same Love" by Macklemore, Ryan Lewis, and Mary Lambert.
Here's some of the lines that spoke to me.
"Don't you understand, that I'm never changing who I am."
"I might not be the same but that's not important. No freedom 'til we're equal, damn right I support it"
I get what you're saying about societal impressions, expectations etc. For me personally, the only person I want to be with like that is my husband (if I ever get married.) Now, that may have been from my upbringing, but because of it I staved away from it, and I'm just throwing this out there, and I'm sorry if it's TMI for anyone, but I feel it must be said for me personally and maybe other women feel this way... but... Sex only feels good if it's with someone we legitimately care for or love. It's so mental with us, I simply don't understand how one night stands get women off at all. I've had so many women in my life have failed relationships and partners with whom they've had sex or physical relations with, and have admitted to me that they faked it all the time and never enjoyed it with the man. So, even with people we're with (married or in a relationship with), it doesn't even feel good. Of course, these relationships ended, and weren't 'true love' if your feeling like that actually exists. (Not you specifically, anyone who thinks true love is a thing.)
And, I mean after 22 years of being single hell yeah I've had my fair share of inner examinations of my sexuality and preferences. So, while I've never been with anyone I feel confident in what I would want if I had the chance to have it. (I like men, not boys, men.) I just get discouraged because even if we have all these societal standards and whatnot, I feel as if at the most innermost biological level, men only want women to conquer them and make them wives/mothers whom are their property. It's not a religious thing, or maybe it is, but I just feel that biologically men are just hard-wired that way, to conquer and own their mates.
I know with you having the preference for men, that sounds incredibly rude and shallow, because you don't prefer women. I apologize for that. I'll defer to your first comment to clarify for your personally, that is not what you want, so I hope I don't make you mad with my last paragraph, I didn't mean to refer to you in it.
Yeah, better to keep them as friends, and have them be with you for years rather than date a friend and have them be with you for months.
Increasing acceptance of polyamorous relationships? That's a first. I have not heard of that. (I'm referring the acceptance, I know what polygamy is)/
I guess that was rude of me to assume. I'll clarify my way of thinking, hopefully not to offend anyone.
I grew up thinking that, if your pretty, you'll find someone. If you'r not pretty, you won't. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so if this person doesn't think you're beautiful, someone else will. Now, having said that, having been passed over my entire life, I feel like a hideous person. No man has ever wanted to date me, therefore I must be so hideous and unattractive to the world, I will simply never find anyone. That, is why I say people must be pretty or beautiful to someone in order to find someone to date/marry.
And yes, there are people out there who I would think are ugly, but others would think are hot/gorgeous. I just would like to believe that every man is considered handsome/cute to some woman, and every woman has some man whom things she's beautiful/hot.
I guess so, yeah, from what I've seen, women have to be pretty to ever find a man and men can be so so because if she won't put out for him, someone else will. -__-
And to avoid fire from everyone, I realize I have a very fucked up view of relationships, and men.
-__- I was just trying to make you feel better.
But why a girl? Can't you help out a son just as much, if not more?
Then you're both lucky to have found each other so young, I suppose. I hope things continue to go so well for you two.
What. :P I'm just fucking with you Internet sis. Thanks for being so accepting of my viewpoint.
I don't know honestly...It might just because I already have a perfect name picked out for a girl. XD
On the other hand I feel like if I fail in my dreams I want my child to keep it going...Maybe a boy would be better...I've been raised my entire life around women that I feel like if I have a son then he will...Hate me or something for not crafting him into a perfect identity of what's accepted in society. I feel like as strange as it is, I could relate and help a daughter more.
You're not the only one. :P
I hope it isn't a fleeting feeling or she doesn't end it off and it will be another tally I add to failed relationships...However upon seeing her I felt something I never had felt before...Strange.
I've found the same is true for me too, generally if a man is really cute he's a jerk, if a woman is really pretty she's a bitch. If they're so so or average or even ugly, they're generally a lot easier to get a long with and thus becoming emotionally and romantically attracted to them.
I knew a super cute guy who was really nice to me at first, and I wondered why he was being so nice and why we got along so well even though he was like a 8 on the 1:10 scale, and I'm maybe a 3 on the same scale. Later I found out he knew how to use them ugly girls like me to get whatever he wanted. Sometimes looks are only trouble, but we still place so much value on them. :<
I gotta name's for my kids all planned out, God forbid I have any, since I'm against birth control stuff.
Boys: Martin, Moe, Jerry
Girls: Jennifer, Sasha, Laura
I agree, Bloopers.
Nice names.
I only want to have one name if my wife would allow it.
Talia.
Yeah, sexuality is sort of a funny thing once you really start to think about it. And I think we're all guilty of judging people off their looks, so you're not alone.
I appreciate the input, whatever you can offer.
So don't worry about having an answer, sometimes just elaborating on your thoughts helps.
That is exactly how I feel, only with men. I can't communicate with them face to face because I am absolutely terrified of them acknowledging me or looking at me. It wasn't always like that, but the more I feel like I'm an object the more I feel like I need to hide and stay hidden. I know exactly how you feel, about being alone, about feeling like you'll end up alone. But, if it's really what you want, if you really want to have someone, just to share your life with, then don't give up. I'm not saying a man or a woman, just, someone who you care about and love and want to have in your life to share with. So, if that's what you want, don't give up.
My parents try to tell me all the things that I should fix to remedy me being single, I ask all the time whats wrong with me, why won't anyone like me? They say there's nothing wrong, and then tell me that if I wasn't a boyfriend I should be doing this or that or working out or putting on makeup. While I understand completely what they're trying to convey, they have a very morphed away of doing it. And while we may love our parents and respect their opinions, it's not their lives we're living, we should be who we want to be. (And I say that, but I personally want to be whom I want to be but still be working in God's name and image and living a life were I feel his presence. But that's just me, I'm not trying to force my spiritual views on you at all or anyone else.)
Very true.
I'm glad I'm not the only one, I guess it helps to know that there are other people like yourself out there. I'm actually kind of glad I think this way, I'm perfectly happy with how I am right now. I guess I'm sorry you feel that way, and thanks for pretty much everything you said. I mean I'm not giving up, but I can't really try, so all I can do is hope that someone is interested and makes an effort. Sometimes I think people like me and I'm scared that I'm letting them down because I can't talk to them, so they give up on me, but then I shake it off and think I'm ugly, and that it was just in my head. So I'm not really sure about that... But to be honest, I'm the least good looking in my classes, but my sister told me girls look for "nice guys" and honestly I don't think that's the case.
Agreed. I don't want to be scared anymore, I just hope that if I do end up living single that they accept it, but they're pretty strict, and my mother has started to ask why I don't have a girlfriend. But most of my life has been what they wanted me to be, and it's still going that way. But now I'm growing up, and they'll just have to accept me for who I am. Again thanks for the reply. It's good to talk about this stuff it kind of makes me feel better. :]
See, the thing is, I'm happy being on my own. I like living my life where I can focus on me and my art and my stories and etc. But, what I don't like is that feeling of not being wanted by anyone as a romantic partner. I think that, because I'm not beautiful, I have no value and will never find a man who will want to settle for me. That thought has crippled me to where I don't even try anymore. But please Blades, don't give up. Anytime we have those chances, were we might like someone, we have to take the risk if it's really worth it. Sometimes waiting it out to see who they really are is the best idea, but sometimes, they get away to fast for us to make that judgement. Putting your heart out on the line is hard, and literally heartbreaking sometimes. But you still have a chance, don't give up because you think all those things about yourself. Your a good person, good people find other good people, don't give up.
I think that my parents are actually about to pull out the, "You really are ugly Hollay so just settle for whomever shows interest so you can quit bitching about no one wanting you." My parents can only lie to me for so long about it, and I think they know that it's not gonna work anymore to tell me 'you're pretty'. Being alone is fine, but knowing no one wants me, that's what kills me.
I'm glad that anything your read on here or anything I say will help you. I hope you find the right path for you, and are able to live the life you want.
Aw
. I wish I could help. You do have value, I'm sure you're a great woman Hollay, just believe in yourself, I know I do, all of us in the chat do, and I'm sure many others as well. I feel the same way, but don't let that stop you. You've still got a lot ahead of you, there's so much of life to live. I'm not going to give up, I'll try my best but I can't make any promises. Maybe I am a good person but I don't know, I find all girls just amazing, I feel like none of them deserves me, and my biggest fear is probably having a proper conversation with one.
I hope you feel better. We love you, you know. You mean a lot to all of us, and I really wish the best for you. I hope you find the right path as well. Pretty much everything you said goes the same for you.
Keep being cool!
I'm 17, female. I like to think my sexuality lies somewhere in the middle, meaning I don't want to limit myself to anything. I don't know the future, I don't know who will cross my path later on in life. I think love is love no matter which gender you are, and I'm too young to decide right now. However, males are pretty dandy.
I'm not too picky when it comes to appearance. I'm actually a lot pickier about personality, since where looks fade over time, the person's personality is what you'll have to live with forever, and if you can't stand it, what kind of relationship is that? I prefer tall guys, though I'm pretty tall myself. I have no "special" preferences when it comes to someone's face or anything like that, since everyone is different. i've found that a lot of times I don't have the same opinion about guys as other girls do - what someone may find attractive in a guy, I might not, and vice versa. It depends on the person really.
I'm a bit more strict when it comes to personality. I value mutual respect, trust, and friendship above all else. If there isn't friendship in a relationship, then the relationship has nothing to fall back on when things get rough. That's like having a computer without backup. If you don't share anything in common besides the relationship itself, if your relationship happens to fail, you'll lose everything. That's why the best relationships stem from friendships. I believe the best kinds just happen, without any force, because you just know that it's right.
I also need to know that that person is there for me always, no matter what. And that's mutual, coming from both sides. It's a bad sign if the relationship is just one-sided, if the only thing they talk about is themselves. They must be caring, friendly, and mature. Maturity is huge. Joking around is good, and a sense of humour is important, but I can't stand it when someone doesn't know how to be serious during serious moments. I also have to feel comfortable with that person. If I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around them, always afraid of saying the wrong thing or making them angry, then that's not good. A boyfriend or girlfriend is exactly that - a friend. You shouldn't be afraid of your friends.
Love for me is compassion, friendship, and mutual understanding. It's trust, and support, acceptance and loyalty. When you love someone, they become a part of you. They're like your other half.
You can find men to validate any pattern you like, but you'll also find men to validate the others, so we don't really generalize that well.
Why don't I embrace a no-strings-attached sex-filled life? Well, for one thing, that's not really easy to do unless you're willing to be an asshole, lie, leave, and don't care about the women who've let you in. I don't want to be that way. The other thing is, sex for the sake of sex is kind of boring. What makes things interesting is the person, and that's why a compatible personality is so important.
A relationship as "your best friend that you can also have sex with" is the way to go. That matters more than looks.
22, male. I value personality over looks. I like girls who have a zest for life and devote their time to their hobbies and passions rather than partying and drinking.
You're generalizing, not all men are like that only the general population of men. It's the same with women.
It may seem like that because of desperation from failure after failure but looks is not all that matters.
And from all my experiences in my life I've met a lot of people who have found genuine love but that's because I used to be an exchange student for 5 years and traveled around a lot, so I would meet a lot of unique people rather than the usual scum that is the general population.
Because there are people who really care about having a family rather than living a life of debauchery.
Love for me is when you just can't live without the other person, when you feel incomplete because of his/her absence.
This needs to stop asap. There's nothing more beautiful/sexier than a girl with confidence
Sorry to say, but I ain't got none. :<
That guy sounds like a real dickbag.
Then better start working on it, it's easy.