Self Worth and Being/Feeling Valued
I know that this might be a very sensitive topic for some, or something to scoff or laugh at for others, but I feel maybe this presents an interesting topic to discuss.
I'm not entirely sure how to go about this, and my ideas might come off as insensitive or short sighted by some, and I'll try and add some context to the situation so perhaps this can be understood on a particular level of ones value in this world... But what defines the value of a person? Does them existing simple make them of value? Should they go their entire lives being told from the moment they can understand that they are valued and have worth and should feel like so? Thus establishing a sense of self worth in which one can cultivate through life?
Or is value and self worth earned by the accomplishments one has done? And only at a certain point in life or after a certain amount of accomplishments and things done can someone finally be considered valuable or be allowed to feel self worth? Is it earned, or should it simply be felt? What sorts of things make someone valued or worth something?
The issues that some feel through their lives pertaining to this issue could be labeled as self pity. While some of these cases are right, should it be said for every person in this situation, that perhaps they need to have accomplished something noteworthy to finally stop feeling worthless or self pity and to finally feel that perhaps they do have worth?
To be honest I'm expecting a lot of backlash for this topic and for me addressing it so frankly. But I'm just not sure. I was taught from a ver young age that I needed to measure up to certain things. But I always fell short. I couldn't handle holding a full time job and full time school so I was lesser for it, I was not married or ever been desired for marriage in my entire life, obviously I've failed on on that front. I was not capable of many things, and eventually the things I could not do compared to the others of my age or younger, I was a failure. Clearly there's something wrong with me. Does me not being able to measure up to what I was told I needed to be make me a failure? Make me weak or worthless? Even if I've learned to manage certain things and live my life with more confidence, I'm constantly reminded that I still didn't do it good enough. If I was good enough, I'd be done with school by now. If I was good enough, I would've attracted someone by now. If I was good enough I'd have gotten my life together by the age of 23. If I was good enough, I'd be worthy to think I do have worth of can feel valued.
Do anyone else have experiences that they have gone through in which they experiences times or parts of their lives in which they felt or perhaps knew they felt short? Did you forgive yourself for this? Did you let this define you?
I'm at a very weird point right now. I'm lost, I feel worthless. I feel hopeless. I just want to end a lifetime of self hate. But part of me thinks I've done nothing to deserve to stop being so harsh and critical on myself. I feel like there will be something that I do that finally opens the doors so I can enter a world where my hatred for who I am doesn't dictate how I see myself. Is this true? Or am I hoping for a breakthrough that simply can't happen?
Comments
Seeking help on the internet may not be best idea. This is what a therapist is for .Or help -hot line . No one here qualifies
I completely agree with Cope. You really should speak to a professional, face to face, and talk about these things. All you are going to get here are opinions from people that are not educated in a psychological health field, or stories of other peoples' lives. The best thing that you can do to make yourself feel valuable is to seek help, despite what people may think of you for doing so, and especially despite what you think others may think of you for doing so.
Those problems don't make you a failure, trust me. I've had a lot of the same problems as you and I still find value in myself.
I'm more than half blind. My kind have a staggering unemployment rate of 70%. I'll most likely never drive and have serious trouble carrying out any tasks that requires fine motor skills or motion planning. My grades were always a disappointment compared to my sister who just passed the BAR and will likely make far more money than I ever will. Through a combination of sickness and pure stupidity, I managed to fuck up and miss a year of college. I'm 23 and I likely have two years to go. I've never been in a romantic relationship that lasted more than a couple months.
I still love myself. I can thank two things for that : my family and my outlet.
My family has been accommodating but always pushes me to take responsibility and do better.
My outlet is volunteering. There's something quite amazing about knowing that I improved someone's life, even if it's only a bit. For example, I'll never forget when a blinded veteran got the job I helped him apply/prepare for (we both cried), or when I gave a speech against vagrancy laws at a city council meeting. Those are the experiences that define me, not my (admittedly numerous) failures.
Long winded personal story aside, you sound like you really need an outlet, and as Cope said, maybe some professional help.
I typed out so many paragraphs about my own personal experience on this topic for ages and the page just randomly reloaded fml
I'll have to come back later and type it out again I suppose
I should've clarified, but it's not so much seeking help in I want someone to treat me, but more of hearing the thoughts and testimonies of others who maybe have experienced similar times in their lives or have dealt with issues of self worth and feeling that they have any value.
But I do want opinions and stories from others. I know a professional would help but I don't have the resources to acquire someone of a qualified position to actually help me deal with this sort of issue.
Thank you for sharing that info with me, it makes me feel better to know that others who deal with their own issues and can see their own worth and feel valuable.
You've done some great things and continue to, you're gonna do great things still.
I can't get professional help, it's not really possible or would be acceptable considering the cases of clinical depression around me which have never seeked professional help. I'm basically in a pity party, it'd be a waste of money and resources to send someone like me through therapy. All I have is my art and writing to try and utilize to help inspire and uplift people.
No problem.
It's absolutely mind-blowing and wrong that people with chronic depression would give you shit for seeking professional help. Just because they're being self destructive doesn't mean they should force that on you. Christ. Don't be afraid to contact a hotline if you're in a time of crisis. Otherwise, I would get started trying to find pro-bono counseling. Fuck what they think and say.
I'm not suicidal, and never have been, if that's what you're insinuating. But.. in my situation those who do have clinical depression generally undermine anyone else who has issues by saying their's is clinical and that normal people can't understand true depression and self loathing.
Pro-bono conseling? I'm afraind I'm not familiar with what that is exactly. lol
I personally never had any sense of self-worth and I also have a low self-esteem. I don't consider myself to be capable of anything worthwhile (pretty much useless, in short). A friend once told me that I should perhaps seek professional help for my self-esteem issues, but I felt it would simply be inappropriate. I mean, there are people with severe issues like depression etc, and here I come with my casual self-loathing. Nah, sir. No medical treatment is needed. I wouldn't want to waste anyone's time on that, anyway.
Aww, I wanna read the Gospel of Mark.
You're not alone. I guess it makes me feel a little better to know others feel that way, in some selfish way. I don't feel so alone anymore.
But I feel that despite how we may see ourselves, we still have to try and accomplish things we can be proud of that will change our minds. If others can do it, so can we.
Seeking medical help in my situation is more that I'd be shamed for it, and also that my family can't afford to seek therapist help nor would they ever pay for someone to go see one. This presents a challenge to me personally... if I can overcome these feeling of self worth, then I was strong in a certain sense that I fought against the voices in my head and prevailed. Don't give up. And if the opportunity to receive helps presents itself, take it.
And by far the best way of dealing with these issues sometimes is having a good group of friends or a close family member to rely on and turn in when things get rough.
All I do is fail. So cheer up, at least you're not me.
I don't believe that. If all you've ever done is failed, then you wouldn't be here at this very moment.
This is utterly self-defeating. What's the harm in trying?! You could also find a clinical-depression support group.
It's counseling 'for the public good'. Basically it means free therapy, if you can find someone who offers it.
Well I'm afraid I'm suffering from quantum immortality if you're talking about death.
Then take your life into your own hands. Find something you don't fail at, even if it's hard to hone at first. You are capable of things, of what I can not tell you.
I know it is.
I usually just talk to friends and get general opinions from others. That helps me too.
My life has always been in my hands. That's why I say I fail and do not shift the blame. There is nothing I don't fail at. I'm just saying it could be worse for you, give yourself some credit.
I know you wanted to hear other peoples' stories. I had a long second section detailing my own, and my feelings on valuing oneself, but I realized I wasn't comfortable sharing that information yet (reading it didn't sit well with me), so I edited it away. Sorry. . .
You are worthy of value for the simple reason that you're alive.
I have had trouble in accepting myself for who I am. As someone who has many psychological issues, I know I am hard to handle and understand. I know I come across as over-sensitive or even callous at times. I know my feelings change like the weather. I know that some people might not be able to put up with me, but that's okay. I won't be everyone's cup of tea. That's okay with me. I used to blame myself for everything that ever went wrong in my life and others', even when I had no reason to. I hated who I was. I still do, but I'm trying hard to stop. I realized that all of this self-loathing would get me nowhere in life. I also realized that I need myself now more than ever and if I turn my back on myself, how can I ever hope to push through these hard times?
Stop judging your value based off what you don't have. You will always lack something. There will always be someone prettier, someone smarter or more successful than you. There will always be people who have it better. Does that make them a better person? Not necessarily. What are things you are good at, things you enjoy? It could be as simple as writing stories or drawing flowers on napkins. As for not having "attracted someone by now", who says you won't? Why is that so important right now? It isn't. You are what you love, not who loves you.
You can end this vicious cycle. It's not easy but you can. I know you can. Look in the mirror and remind yourself that are good enough. Tell yourself you're beautiful every single day until you believe it. Fuck modesty. Worship yourself.
It's okay. Even the encouraging and sometimes so true they hurt comments do others well too. Don't apologize for feeling the way you do.
Regardless of that, I hope you do know you are worth something and people here value you.
https://www.telltalegames.com/community/discussion/83811/bullying/p7
I think this will help users many people shared their stories
I’ll do a sequel a story I haven’t told yet
12 years old I get tested lots of puzzles, reading, writing, guessing what complex words mean I never heard of etc.
I wait in the car my OCD goes crazy I touch everything 10 times so nervous what the results are they say I’m a genius but I have severe dyslexia so I will struggle to ever realise that genius
My results are still shit in school but my self-esteem is a little better as now I have an excuse to do badly.
I fail most of my tests in school I never study I have dyslexia I’d only be wasting my time and I’m more interested in sport tbh school was a prison to me.
Fast forward to college I was skipping class most days still doing badly then the day happened
I skipped class the previous day the teacher pressured me and I told her the truth I mitched she called me a silver tongued snake. My class was full of honour students this college was connected to my school so all the smartest came I was the odd one out a dyslexic who can’t pass a test who skips most days a class clown among the previous elites of my school. Everything suddenly goes in slow motion I turn around and look at the honour students and see them laughing and smirking at me I could sense they taught I was an idiot and would drop out any day I don’t belong there.
Teacher: We have an important test coming up make sure your in
Me: Very hard for me with dyslexia I’ll try
Teacher: Stop with your bullshit excuses
I get home my Dad tells me I should leave college and my best friend left the college that day.
I reached a really low time I was so sick of been seen as an idiot because of my dyslexia their smirking and laughing is haunting my brain repeating.
enter link description here
I refuse to accept I’m an idiot who is not good enough if I need to work 10 times as hard as them to get the results then I will but I’m topping this class, I will do anything to wipe them f**king smirks off their faces.
I stayed back every day after college to perfect my work the teacher is a perfectionist everything I did I’d have to re-do hundreds of times unless it was perfect or she didn’t want it and made me correct it more.
My other friend was from Iraq his English wasn’t great and he struggled a lot the teacher got frustrated with him so he fell behind so on my days off I always came in just to help him catch up with everything on his work.
Our topics were always 50% of the marks for a project then 50% for an exam
Keep it short could go on for pages
Anyway results day we had a massive ceremony with food the smartest person in my class and school got 3 A+(distinctions) and the rest pass.
They call out your name after they read out your results everyone claps you go up shakes hands and get your certificates.
MARK D…… 10 A+(Distinctions) and one merit(b+)
Those people who laughed at me before their faces all froze in shock they all turned around they must of taught it was a mistake they could not believe I topped the class or even passed an exam the second closest only got 3 A+’s.
I just gave the look back with a straight face like your goddam right.
enter link description here
Everyone clapped that moment was so sweet my dad was there too.
I won student of the year for my class too
Ever since then I got A+ in any test I did as know I have belief in myself
I sent the teacher an email thanking her for being so awesome and helping me realise my potential how much of an influence she been of always honest with me and expecting the best of me. To this day she has it hanged up on her office for her to see everyday to inspire her.
Only takes one person to make the difference and that teacher she was a woman she inspired me
My friend from Iraq did well he passed all his tests he was crying his eyes out he was so happy and thanked me so much.
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Belief changed my life something as simple as hope is the most powerful tool in this world. You must belief or you will never achieve as it’s as simple as that sometimes the only person who believes in you will be you but that’s all you ever need
Have my results down below
XD I love this forum
This brought a tear to my eye, because I completely understand your feelings because they almost mirror mine exactly. You're a very strong person for making that active choice to reject your self loathing.
That's my biggest issue though. I spent my whole life being compared to others accomplishments, my worth was based off of what I had done by what age. Or that I was able to manage the worst of circumstances and put myself to my very limits even when I could do what was comfortable and realistic. And the whole finding someone who loves me thing, I have this fear that since I've never had a boyfriend by this age, that the more years that pass the harder it will be to find one and the further cemented is the fact that I am not nor have I even been attractive or beautiful.
I'm still waiting for some sort of accomplishment or reason to even find a reason to gain the right to like myself.
I know exactly how you feel. I too feel a little lost at this point in my life. I started feeling that way during my freshman year of college.. and it has only gotten worse from there with each following year, which is obviously pretty backwards from what is supposed to happen. The only reason why I have kept going with school is the fact that I'm expected to, not only by my family, but society. Not that I would stop going in any permanent sort of sense at all, but I have strongly considered taking a break and returning when I have a better plan in mind. I won't be graduating any time soon, as I'm still not even sold on what I'm doing. My triplet sisters on the other hand (both of which started college at the same time I did) are both going to be graduating within a year. One of them is attending the top university in the state, while the other goes to another top school in the state. Everything worked out perfectly for them, and yet here I am, still within sight of the starting line. Kind of makes it look like I'm a mess by comparison. I'm dying to find some control in my life in regards to my future. All of this being said, I do not feel like this is something that has an impact on my value as a person. Everyone has worth, and that worth is easily self given. I don't need someone else to define my "worth" in order to be happy with myself as a person. I understand that I'm not perfect, and I have things to figure out (mainly in regards to finding my path in life), but that does not mean that I should cut myself down and compare my value to others.
Extending this to more personal matters, I'll just throw out the fact that I have never been in a relationship either, even at 21 years of age (and this isn't from a lack of desire). As I said before though, I believe value and self worth can be self defined. If you're tying your self worth to having a partner in life, and you don't have one, then of course you're going to take a hit there. I personally don't think our value as individuals necessarily needs to be tied to finding/ being in a relationship. Personally I don't think it's productive to do so, no matter what your relationship status may be.
All in all, people shouldn't compare their value to someone else's. There is no good reason to. Every person has worth, and it's up to us to make the most of what we have.
I told you before, but I think that it isn't because of your appearance. Could it be that the reason you haven't had a boyfriend was because they find you somewhat intimidating? Males are human too. They could be too shy to approach you or perhaps you give others the impression that you don't want to be bothered in public. I know what it's like to think you're not beautiful (believe me, I definitely know...), but the fact is that there are 7 billion people in this world, you're bound to be someone's type. Maybe it's your turn to step out of your comfort zone and approach them. Who knows, they might even be relieved that you took initiative first.
I'll give you some advice that really helped me: stop waiting and start working. Don't just set goals, hunt them. Do things that make you proud. Volunteer, get in shape, donate to charity, do one thing a day that scares the shit out of you. Help people. Help yourself because if you don't, who else will?
I'm going to start contrarian and completely academic, and say nothing has value in and of itself. A big pile of gold by itself has no value. Things only have value to someone. So someone who owned a big pile of gold would probably consider it valuable, because he/she could trade it for stuff he/she wanted.
That works with people, too. You have no value to a guy who only cares about bikini supermodels. Though that's probably a good thing, because that guy likely isn't all that desirable, either.
If you only concentrate on that one guy, and say, well, that's it, I have no value, then you're ignoring everyone else, and some of them may think you do have value after all. Don't worry about what that guy thinks.
I've said in the past that I like these topics you create, because they're very interesting to me. I also like your writing in general. Last time you replied to me, you said you valued my opinion. That made me feel good. So I value you, at least here on the forums.
You want to learn to value yourself? That's a tough job for everyone. We are usually our own harshest critics. The best way to do it is to accomplish something that takes some work but is doable and is something you can be proud of completing. You can also have friendly chats with people. Try complimenting someone on something you notice about them or something they have, and ask them a question about it. That usually works to get something going.
Basically, don't consider yourself valueless when someone thinks you are, because chances are there's someone else who thinks you aren't.
That is some inspirational shit, Mark! Congrats.
Your story reminds me a lot of my dad, who also had dyslexia and struggled in school. His high-school English teacher said he'd never amount to anything. Guess who's a Robotics Engineer now...
As another rudderless millenial with an overachieving sibling, I feel your pain acutely, man.
And I thought I was harsh on myself... You shouldn't be so critical of yourself. I know without a shadow of a doubt, that the fact that you are here today is a testament that you have indeed done good in this world. You deserve credit too.
You are capable of so many great things man. And you will no doubt continue to inspire others as well as carve your own path in this world. I'm very proud of you. Thank you very much for your continued support to so many people on these forums.
Honestly, I hit my lowest point in my freshmen year too... thankfully I had a professor who helped me through that time and quite honestly changed my life. I'm so sorry you have felt that horrible pressure of society.
Dude, I can't tell you how many people I've met who have done this very thing and came back to school more determined, and more confident with their decisions and life choices because they actually took time to decide what they actually wanted to do. They didn't opt out for the easy and simple business degree, they pursued something hard, but rewarding. I fully support this action if you take it, and you will definitely not be alone.
And I am actually like your sisters... It wasn't a easy journey, but where I am now... I'm attending one of the largest and best universities in TX pursuing a degree that I love with the financial help of family. Not every sibling in my family got this same treatment of being supported through college. I am very thankful for the opportunity, and I worked hard. Sadly, there are some of us who are more in tune with doing college/school and others have a bit of a harder time. It does not mean in any way that they are stupid or less intelligent, I can guarantee that you are incredible at certain things others aren't. You have made it further than others, you are intelligent and capable. Trust me.
Yeah... It's nice to know other people have the same issues as me. It makes me feel better, because we aren't dealing with these issues completely alone. I'm trying not to hinge my worth on whether or not someone will accept me as their partner, I need to accept myself before anyone else can. It's just hard.
Thank you for sharing your story and opinions. They helped me very much.
That's a very good point.
And trust me, I've learned my lesson with people like that... often the prettiest people who know they're pretty/handsome become some of the ugliest people when you get to know them....
Another good point.
Thank you, I'm glad someone thinks they are. I like to encourage people to think a little more critically, or maybe even to discuss issues that might be considered taboo. And I do value your opinions, you always present things very rationally and empathetically. And thank you so much, it means so much to know someone enjoys my writing. I am working towards a minor in creative writings and that's honestly what I want to do with my life is write books to help others, inspire them, and lift them up to become something better for themselves. And thank you, that's very kind of you to think so. :,)
I don't know... I mean, what can I look at from the past that is noteworthy or considered something to feel accomplished for? I have a degree, people say I'm nice and helpful, what else is there I can be proud of? Are either of those things even worthy of praise?
So you have your answer to what makes someone valuable; bieng currently not dead.
I understand what you're saying. To be honest though, I don't know if that's it. I have always been the one to tell a guy how I feel, and every time I was turned down. In hindsight, some of these guys weren't right for me, but others I couldn't have liked more and felt horrible when they rejected me. I had nothing to turn to as for the reason they didn't like me, other than I was ugly.
I like your advice though. I agree, if you want something work for it. But I am already working... I mean, I own a art business, I go to school full time, I help support my family members, and don't have time for anything else. I don't know what else I should be doing. I'd like to be content with what I am already doing, but should I be doing more? Should I be doing absolutely everything I can until I'm about ready to buckle under the pressure?
And I love that picture. It's amazing.
Well played. But I think it still goes deeper than that.
All these threads... are just basically you bashing yourself for no reason.
A person can't have a price tag put on them, it's unethical, that's why slavery is illegal.
If you meant worth as in accomplishments, then being bad at stuff doesn't make you worthless, just existing already proves that you're amazing, humans are very sophisticated life forms and you can already do what tons of people can't, which is live a semi normal life.
Self criticism is a good trait, but what you're doing is self loathing, that's a negative trait, you really have no reason to hate yourself this much. I'm just beggining to think that a lot of assholes called you useless as a child and fucked up your mentality. (Wrong!)
Of course you could just gain back your self esteem by telling yourself, that you are the most unique, the most beautiful, the most important person in the world every day, which is true, and if you don't believe it no one will.
You don't deserve this all this self hate and you know it, since when has hating yourself done anything good for you in your life?
why do you make all these depressing threads, its sad to read, but remember, you are only 23.. thats young as hell, you aren't obliged to get married that young since most do it when they hit 30's, you have so much time.
real talk, don't let a few bad years of your life spoil the many years to come of your future.