How to deal with a weird father?
So I wanted to share a bit of my family trouble. Every family have problems, me, my mother are not flawless and may have contributed. But it seems like the source of my family's disunity is my father.
My father is a weird and solitary person. He can be stubborn and rude. Rarely do I feel secured and happy when I am around him. But recently he has only gotten more closed off and isolated from us. He never really communicate with us and goes off to do stuff on his own rather than informing me and my mother about it. And when he does talk, it sounds more like an argument rather than a calm conversation.
Despite our best attempt to advice him to change, he never does it. Sometimes it feels like he never want to be around us. When we do simple shopping in the supermarket he wanders off on his own. Also my father has been the source of my unhappiness lately. Whatever intentionally or not, he say stuff that really hits me hard. I want to love my father and get his respect but at this point I feel like it is not worth it when he behave and treat us like this.
I just wanted to share this and I want to hear you guys opinion about this. I really want to get this off my chest and get some answer to this.
Comments
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"Who's that riding in the sun? Who's the man with the itchy gun? Who's the man who kills for fun? ..."
Dude, why do you think this community can help? We don't know your dad. Maybe he has some problems at work, he's tired or he's just aging.
Well mostly because I wanted to get this off my chest and because I still like this community.
Perhaps he has autism, or aspergers
well, whatever it is this community will love you always
Wow, so "helpful" guys. I swear...
Dave, I'm in a similar situation with my dad. The only few differences are that his mood changes constantly, to the point that if he's not yelling at people, then he's clinging to them for attention. I won't add more, for obvious reasons.
The best way to deal with your dad is to get him to a doctor, to see if his behaviour isn't linked to anything.
I dont know his history at all but it sounds like something is deeply troubling him, maybe even something from a long time ago that he has internalized and stopped trying to fix. When people feel troubled and depressed at their core they tend to withdraw as they are too distracted with their own thoughts. And they also tend to lose their temper and make a big deal about things because it's the only way for some people to let others know they are struggling.
Let me ask you this: do you think he is capable of being a loving father, or has he always been like this? Judging from what you said and how nice you are on the forums, I know you're a good son. I would honestly just approach your dad out of the blue and say "dad I love you and I just wanted you to know I'm here to talk to if you need it". Then what he does with that information and compassion will be up to him. Some people are too proud to ask for help and just need to be reminded that they are loved.
Again I dont know your exact situation but I hope this advice can help in some way, from one father/son to another.
Maybe hes shy or maybe hes lonely because family isnt the same as friends or maybe hes really a woman on the inside and wants a sex change or maybe hes stuck on a difficult boss level and its pissing him off or maybe hes trapped in a loveless marriage with a kid he never wanted or maybe hes just a dick or maybe hes a superhero and fighting evil is taking its toll or maybe hes on drugs or maybe he has assburgers or maybe he just likes alone time or maybe you should just talk to him and let him know you care.
Maybe he's having a hard time with things, but don't we all?
The best advice I can offer is this, though; try to be stubborn and get him to have a conversation with you and your mother and talk about how you feel about him. Also having a family counselor kinda helps, from what I've heard.
I agree about the family counselor thing. I had one when my parents were on the verge of divorce and it helped a lot.
You said you rarely feel secure or happy around him, that says alot. You should always listen to your feelings.
From what you've said about your Father, it makes me wonder if he might be having an affair?
Nope...
God damnit
Okay just click the God damn llink
You can edit posts, you know!
Nope.
Edit: still trying to figure out how this works.
Maybe he's having some mental problems and doesn't know how to handle them [and is scared] and thus he isolates himself. That is just a wild guess from me, of course. He could be also feeling guilty about something.
Try considering all possible reasons he might be behaving like this (e.g. depression, his work, friends..) and ask him indirectly about those things and see his reaction? I don't think directly confronting seems to be working right now, so change your methods a bit. But of course, he must be confronted sooner or later. Let him know how much he really means to you [and mother], it could 'wake' him up a bit.
I dont know how to help you. We are having fights sometime too but they are forgotten the next day. Happy family. xD
Your powerless the only way he will change is if he makes the decision applying to much pressure will make him more depressed and angry be more isolated
When people are in pain or depressed they tend to take out that pain on others as feel jealous of others happiness.
They feel so soft at core so scarred they push everyone away they want in sick way to make people see them the way they see themselves to confirm their low self esteem.
They feel unlovable they prove this to themselves by being such a douche to test if those around them will still stick by them a sick game
Then the more they put up with the worse the abuse gets until boiling point they all leave proving this internal dialogue
Even with therapy when he decides to get help people don't change only be minor difference before his back old habits
The real question is not how to deal with the father but to protect yourself and your mother find your happiness and get best grades or job.
He will only change when he decides too the stubborn type will always do complete opposite the more you try make them listen or change.
Fitting username
You're not in a good position as the son to fix this. Your mom would be in a better one, but you don't say how she feels about it.
If your dad's been like this all your life, he could just naturally be an introvert and more comfortable alone. Otherwise, I think it's likely that there's something making him feel bad about himself, and his way of coping with that is withdrawing. He does not want to talk about it.
What could you say or do to make him feel better about himself, or proud of you, that won't strike him as "You are failing as a father and should be more involved with your family"?
The way I see it, its either you have money problems so he is devastated because of that or he may be cheating your mom with someone and lost his interest on your family and you.
Forgive me for second probability it may sound harsh but I am just trying to look from every possible view. My dad was like that but it was because of money problems. Now, we are starting to solve this and he doesnt act like an asshole anymore. I dont know so much about your family but it seems like both situations are likely. If it is due to money, you can get a job to help the financial status of your family and maybe he will come around. But if second one is valid and true, I dont know man.
EDIT : If it is likely, try to convince him to see a psychologist if he is depressed by something or you can confront him about his attitude. Father or not, you cant let him give shit about you and your family.
I wouldn't say try to confront him or your mom about it in the heat of the moment. If you do, extreme things can be said. I'd ask your mom about it first because maybe she knows why? If not, try to get him in a calming situation and tell him how you feel sad that he isolates himself from his family, and ask why that might be?
My advice is just as good as anyone's, so maybe take it loosely?