I live in a rural area, have done most of my life and it is typical for people working in shops and the like to try and engage customers in small talk which I just find uncomfortable especially when I don't really know them (though living in a small town you do see a lot of the same faces when going to the local shops). But for me the worst is going to get my haircut at the local barbers (which, funnily enough, I happened to do today) 'cos they always want to talk and I never do but feel rude if I don't at least answer a few questions as succinctly as possible.
There is one exception that I can think of and that is a pub, especially the rural independently owned ones as that is part of the character of that type of pub.
I do life in Bavaria, which is a awesome country in quite some aspects, nature is beautiful with lots of lakes and mountains, great meal and beer, bright politicians, okay strike that, and dunno it's a very nice place with nice colours in the sky.
But obviously there exist quite some other places on earth which are beautiful or even more beautiful. For me personally i found out that i either need mountains or a sea for beeing happy, if both comes together i also won't complain. :O)
One thing which suprised me was when i went to Africa, especially in Egypt i first thought this looks like a complete messed up place, no green, all this dust and brown, all those unfinished buildings and so on. After some time i got used to it and liked the environment there as well and i always wanted to experience the desert.
I live in both northern and southern California (at different times of the year... it's like migrating) and the difference is really noticeable. In NorCal people are more likely to just talk to complete strangers and then do things like attempt to run you over when you're trying to cross the street or tailgate you on the highway. In SoCal, people don't really talk to one another but on the road most people are really polite (comparatively). It's one of the things that I noticed most.
Reading everyone's responses has been really interesting. It made me think about what living next to a big city means. Everything said is true, depending upon the situation.
@Avistew The "How are you?" question bothers me to no end as well! I get the same way. When I'm having a bad day, I really don't want anyone to ask me how I am. Because saying "fine" makes me feel even worse. And going into a shop and having some salesgirl follow me around like a shadow drives me insane. I don't want her watching my every reaction to each item I look at. I notice that in larger stores the staff leave you alone, but in little stores, the salesgirl follows you everywhere. I don't shop in those stores because of that very fact. I usually end up buying most things online these days to avoid the crowds of stores. I also think the best waiter is the one who is invisible, unless you need him. No one likes being watched while they eat. And I've had situations where a waiter has come up to our table and asked how everything is, while we're chewing our food. That, to me, is the epitome of rudeness. I have to rush to swallow my food to answer him, it's ridiculous. And I've had these situations occur in both cities and rural areas of the U.S.
That aside, I live about 20 minutes outside of NYC, so I have a tree in my backyard and grass and all that. But I work in the city and most of my friends live there.
You are constantly surrounded by people, so you have no privacy. But by the same token, everyone ignores you so it's simultaneously one of the loneliest and most isolating places I've been.
A lot of people have this same reaction. And I understand it in theory, but I find NYC to be oddly friendly. At least in the last 5 years I have spent there. When you walk down the streets no one really talks to you, but quite honestly, no one would get anywhere if people were talking to each other all the time. And there are so many people, that I don't particularly want anyone to talk to me. So that works out well.
Yet, when I go into a bakery or something like that, the employees are always friendly and smiling, and they look genuinely happy. And they don't ask me "how I am," but they smile and say hello, and ask what I want to buy. And it's all rather pleasant. Sometimes they'll make a joke or comment on something and it's all very, just happy.
And although no one talks to you in the subway or on the streets generally, they do if they are genuinely confused. I have had so many people ask me directions to places. Or if I'm in a specific place or at an event, strike up a conversation (not about anything personal) but just about whatever it is we are doing/looking at/buying. I think because the city is the way you described it: a place with little privacy, so people have to ignore each other, many times you find people friendlier because of that.
Maybe it's just a matter of scouting out those people who are your type of friendly (if that makes any sense) and ignore the rest. While I suppose in a rural area, you almost have to talk to everyone, so the pleasantries are there so people don't get insulted? I have never lived in a truly rural place for an extended period of time, so I don't know.
But I'll tell you, there have been so many times that complete strangers have ended up telling me their life stories while on a line at the grocery, that I just can't believe the inhabitants of big cities aren't crying out to be sociable.
I have to say again that NYC has been one of the friendliest place I've ever been in.
I was there on my honeymoon so I realise I was in a happy mood and everything (although we also had an argument, which we ended up happy about because we saw it as being officially a married couple xD) but still...
At the hotel, the guy was super nice and recommended some places we could try for eating or sight-seeing. In the streets, because I'm completely orientation-challenged I ended up being helped by at least one person every time I was outside, sometimes more than that. In restaurants and food stores, people were always smiling and willing to give me time to choose what I wanted, to make something special for me or to give me stuff without a bag, even though I could see they all thought it was weird.
At the theatre we went to watch some improv skits, we ended up talking with other people in the audience, and even chatting with the comedians.
When Ian lost his passport, it was rather painless to get it back because everyone helped us look for it.
One day there was a market in front of the hotel and we browsed it and talked to the sellers, and I didn't feel even once like they were trying to force me to buy stuff.
We went to the Daily Show and Colbert Report and talked to the people waiting in line with us, and it was all really nice.
Also, I ended up needing to use the bathroom while being out several times, and each time I entered a store and, well, for some reason 50% of them didn't have a bathroom for customers, but all of them gave me directions (and sometimes a key) to use the employee's. And I do mean stuff like having to go through several "Employees Only" kinda doors or going through the warehouse or something.
The people were nice, friendly, helpful and not in your face. I really can't equate that with Will's description of people ignoring you and making you feel alone, because that didn't happen to me at all.
I don't see how saying "How are you?" is an invasion of privacy. 90% of the time you're just gonna say "good" and move on, but it's also a great way to share stories. My 5th grade teacher once told an interesting story about when she was going through school and as struggling financially through it. She was working as a waitress while juggling studies. One slow day, a man came in. They never knew each other prior. She asked him how was his day he answered truthfully and they started having an in depth conversation about their lives. As it turned out, this man was once in her situation, as were many, but eventually cut a lucky break and become incredibly rich. My teacher and the stranger had such a wonderful conversation and discussion about their lives, that come time to leave, the man had tipped her 1000$. Not to say that we should exploit people with false kindness and niceties, but rather that there are so many people we dismiss on such a simple basis that we can learn so much from.
That and saying "how are you?" is just second nature in some cultures. Its like getting mad at the Japanese for asking you to take off your shoes before entering their homes.
I was reading about that the other day, actually, it's funny.
The thesis was that questions like "How are you?", while giving the pretense of opening a conversation, are actually trying to close and direct it. They are so formated that right away, you answer "fine, thanks" (or, in French, "yes") before you have time to realise the person has asked you how you are.
Then it's over. It's done. They did it, they asked, phew, no need to talk about it anymore.
While people who actually do want to know how you are are more likely to ask questions that are more specific. "How was your trip?" or "Is your girlfriend doing better?" or "Did you end up finishing your homework okay?"
Because these questions tend to require longer, more detailed answers, and because you are less likely to answer automatically and be "trapped" having answered.
Another thing is repeating the question. Like "How are you? Everything fine?" either in a row like that or after you answered the first time, giving you a change to answer honestly now that you've realised what question was asked to you.
Once you have said "fine" or "yes", depending on your language, you're pretty much stuck, especially with a stranger. It will be awkward if you go "well, actually, no, I'm not fine", and if you do master the courage to say that, you're going to be the one who brought it up, the one to blame. The person who asked will just be a poor victim you're dumping your problems onto.
I thought it was really interesting. Although I don't think anyone who asks "how are you" is really just trying to get it over with and some people are interested, it's true that you can tell the difference between the people who barely even pause for an answer and those who really want to know. They don't ask in the same way.
And on the Internet, for instance, people pretty much start with "what's up?" and "how are you?" but then they're going to ask more specific questions if they care. "Which plush are you working on?" or "Did you finish Trogdor?" or something for instance.
Anyway, I thought it was really true that in a lot of cases, asking "how are you" off the bat like that is a way to make sure people won't bring up their problems in the conversation, so in a way asking "how are you" is a way to make sure people don't tell you how they are.
When you meet someone, the usual thing here is say "Hello! How are you?" as part of the greeting. Sometimes I add "How everything going?" and then you can come up with a ton of funny stuff.
I felt Will reaction sometimes, mostly because you, when you are in a place with not too much personal space, become more careful about your personal space, then ignore the other people mostly for protect it. And, I had been in a place with a lot of people and felt alone. I always attached that, though, to think I'm really bad at relationships with people I don't know (I'm really shy and quiet with people I don't know. I always try my best but it's difficult), but I like to be with happy people, even I don't know anyone.
Once though, I was in University, in a change of semester. My University is pretty known to be difficult and for been ones of with the biggest student-droping rate in Chile, so, I was used to most of the people just dissapear in a change of semester. This time, though, I seriously notice there were less people than ever. And that was weird...
As someone who grew up in (relatively) rural Georgia, I have the EXACT OPPOSITE view to Avistew and Dashing. I recently spent a week back home, and the one thing I couldn't help but notice over and over is just how friendly everyone was. A warm smile and a "how y'all doin'" could instantly brighten my day, and it happened with every person I saw!
But I think it's false to say that "how are you doing" is an entirely empty question. In my personal experience, I find that more often than not they are *genuinely interested* in your well being. Had a rough day? Anything I can do to ease the burden? Get you a sweet tea? It's a very community based society. It baffles me when I live or visit someplace where people won't even look in your direction, let alone smile and hold the door for you like a polite human being.
I'd like to clarify, first, that this post isn't confrontational, and I don't even see this as a debate, friendly or otherwise, but just an exchange of experiences and perspectives. I've noticed that bringing this sort of thing up with southerners sometimes leads to very negative reactions, and I don't mean to make anybody angry.
Now, I mean, you say you get a greeting from everybody you see, but why would somebody want that? I don't know, it comes off to me as an obligation at that point. Like, you have to do this, and you have to make sure that you say something really short so that you don't
I don't know, how much do you think people actually care? I've noticed that people have asked "How are you?" and then proceeded to walk past me as I answered. This is not an uncommon or single occurrence either, it's something that happened a lot while I was still trying to figure out why people did this thing that was so weird and in my face.
And if everybody's asking you how you are, even if everybody cares all the time, is it something special anymore? I mean, there's nothing distinct about being asked about your day, and if it's something everybody does with everybody else you have to worry about wasting their time on an exchange that is intended to last a maximum of 5 seconds per person.
As for the duplicity that Dashing mentioned: yes, I think it's a problem in a society where you are expected to be polite to each other. But by the same token, I don't feel like it's any less of an issue in the other societies I've lived in. It's pretty universal that sometimes people are jerks.
I know that people will say one thing to your face and another behind your back a lot of the time, but it just feels so much more prevalent in places where keeping up appearances and being "nice" and "polite" are considered huge priorities. I'd prefer for the people who don't care to ignore me, for the people who dislike me to just say that they don't, because then you know where you're standing with people, and your amicable relationships are actually with people who want to know what you're up to, and you can get about your day without wasting your time and getting distracted by meaningless pleasantries.
As for living in New York or an equally crowded place, I wouldn't want to do it. It's not for a lack of trying though. I dated a girl in NYC for the better part of a year and couldn't even consider moving there. You are constantly surrounded by people, so you have no privacy. But by the same token, everyone ignores you so it's simultaneously one of the loneliest and most isolating places I've been. I'd rather have my own space, go out and see people when I want to, and then (because I WANT to be interacting with people) be friendly and carry on a conversation with complete strangers.
Huh. That's never how I saw life in New York. People don't "ignore you" intentionally so much as everybody has their own things to do, and why should everybody be personally interested in everything you do?(I should probably be using the "I" pronoun, come to think about it, because using "you" feels accusatory, especially in that last sentence). The thing about that is, though, when you want to talk to people, you can easily put yourself in a context in which that's acceptable. You don't need to have every shopkeep and neighbor and person who happens to occupy a similar physical space to start up a conversation with you, because it's New York City. There are a million ways and places to socialize. And the thing is, if you have a reason to talk, and you show an interest in what you or other people are saying, people generally aren't rude about it. New Yorkers love to talk, they express their opinions about everything, it's just that you generally aren't saying something to every person on the street because there are literally hundreds of people within your field of vision in every direction.
It just feels like, in a major metropolitan area, you get more real conversations and less time bogged down by pleasantries.
Now, I mean, you say you get a greeting from everybody you see, but why would somebody want that? I don't know, it comes off to me as an obligation at that point. Like, you have to do this, and you have to make sure that you say something really short so that you don't
I don't know, how much do you think people actually care? I've noticed that people have asked "How are you?" and then proceeded to walk past me as I answered. This is not an uncommon or single occurrence either, it's something that happened a lot while I was still trying to figure out why people did this thing that was so weird and in my face.
And if everybody's asking you how you are, even if everybody cares all the time, is it something special anymore? I mean, there's nothing distinct about being asked about your day, and if it's something everybody does with everybody else you have to worry about wasting their time on an exchange that is intended to last a maximum of 5 seconds per person.
Ok.. I think I get your point, but I can't see how Remind I care about someone has to be something special. I feel that has to be done all the time. Because caring it's something important and something need it.
In small towns, pretty much every one knows every one and they care, even a little, about those people. In biggest cities in exchange, it's like all the people always change, but at the same time, it's so many people and then you know no one. Since you don't really know any one, you feel alone. You can become used to be alone, talk with people about stuff, but never really care about it. But people who are used to be cared and care about the guy who lives next to you, need those things back.
It's difficult to explain it, in fact, because you can grow used to be cared and you can grow also used to be cared just of selected people. But I feel here I can go and ask to normal person and they will help me, but in a big City I don't feel the same. I felt, when I was in Santiago (The nearest thing to a big city we have here) people felt alone and that's why everytime I asked them how they are, they felt somewhat pleased, for real. Like, they were waiting to someone to ask them THAT. In small towns, they already have it and they seem less like they need it. So, in big cities, that become special, but in small towns, that's normal. And I think is that the way it has to be, normal. People here has an smile, a real smile. Unlike there, in the Big City, they seem they have a frown. Most of the time. At least for me.
I don't know where you get the idea that you "don't really know anyone" in city life. Are "city folk" not allowed to have friends? :S
In the city friends are just people you have so you don't have to drink your fancy frappucinos alone. You city slickers bring the bile up the back of my throat...
I don't know where you get the idea that you "don't really know anyone" in city life. Are "city folk" not allowed to have friends? :S
I wondered about that too. Because the way I see it, if you want to be left alone, you can, and if you want to go out with friends, it's easy too, and if all your friends are busy, it's easy to meet new people, as well.
I wonder if it's because the people who say that tend to have grown up in smaller places. When they move, they don't know anyone, and it's overwhelmind so they don't know how to meet people. Or something.
Because I can tell you, I've been here for a year and I don't have a single friend. And when I spent a year in Edmonton? Didn't make one friend.
But in Paris, I still have friends there, some I met while in high school, some I met while in university, some I met after I dropped out. While being the time period, not how I met them.
My point being that my friends aren't all childhood friends, you meet new people easily. You might think "there are lots of people so you don't know where to look" or something, but here there are so few people that you either settle for people I'd never want as friends in a million years, or you don't make friends at all.
I didn't have many friends in Paris, but there were more people to choose from, therefore more great people overall. I don't think the proportion is higher than anywhere else, but 1% of the Parisian population is much more than 1% of littlesmalltownvillage.
And there are more activities prone to meeting new people. Here there is only one theatre (of the "movies" kind, none of the other), no bowling alley or pool/arcade place, no congresses where you can meet people interested in the same stuff you like, etc, etc.
Really, I've made more friends on the Internet than in this town, and I don't expect that to change because by now I've met everyone.
I never felt lonely in Paris. If I wanted to be alone, people left me alone. If I didn't want to be alone, I dropped someone a line and we went to grab a movie or go skating or play videogames at each other's place. If for some reason I didn't want to see my existing friends, I always had places to go where I knew I could talk to people and maybe make some new friends.
You just have more choice and more stuff to do. It's so dead here I end up spending most of my time online now.
But as I said, now I'm also stressed out by crowds. So that means I don't like either big cities or small towns. I guess I'd need something in the middle. If I absolutely had to choose between the two though, that would be big city. Access to everything I might need or want is definitely more important than avoiding crowds, phobia notwithstanding.
In Sovet Russia we like to play/read/watch "The Walking Dead" with bears :D:D
My name is Pavel And we still got a snow in Moscow!
P.S. Winter is comming...
*sweatdrop* And eh, I love the snow, but only to a certain extent. If I get snow, I don't want a couple inches. I want FEET. And you do things with bears? Lonely life of Russians ^_^ We use arms...
*sweatdrop* And eh, I love the snow, but only to a certain extent. If I get snow, I don't want a couple inches. I want FEET. And you do things with bears? Lonely life of Russians ^_^ We use arms...
Wha... what... ah you... ahhh.
We are no lonley ok? End of story :mad: I'm start to fearing of your mind :mad:
Oh, I understand Russians quite well, since I am Russian agent xD My friends call me Kaselowski. Haha, anyway, I'm just joking with ya man, and I have nothing against Clementine, she's awesome, and I'd save her over the cure any day :P
Also, your English is lil broken bro, but otherwise readable/legible
Oh, I understand Russians quite well, since I am Russian agent xD My friends call me Kaselowski. Haha, anyway, I'm just joking with ya man, and I have nothing against Clementine, she's awesome, and I'd save her over the cure any day :P
Also, your English is lil broken bro, but otherwise readable/legible
Damn sory for my english dude. I hope that you understand that your jokes were extremely offensive. Note that I never said a word against the USA because I think you are clever and educated people.
lol I know, they just make fun of me for it. And I apologize for making you feel bad, I didn't mean anything bad by teasing. I don't see how they were offensive, but I understand that where you are the content is probably different. Here it takes some harsh stuff to get offended, and I suppose I took that for granted. That, and I didn't see it as offensive and that you'd automatically take it as a joke. And true, but you don't know much about the U.S.A., just as I know little on Russia, and I only messed with what i know about it(which is extremely limited).
I wasn't making fun of your English, just making sure you knew about it, because people like to know if they are writing properly. You are easily understood though, for you basically have it down. I don't expect anything fancy, since Russian is most likely your primary idioma/language.
Thanks for the compliment? I find our people to be ignorant and rude, just as I suppose I did to you. After awhile, it sorta becomes natural to act in such a way. I did not mean to offend in any way, shape, or form. Where I live, it's usually a way to mess with people and create conversation. It isn't to make you feel bad or upset, but to get ya to speak back and mess around to me lol. Everywhere has its own customs, and even in the U.S. there are many different cultures, behavioral patterns, etc.
Damn sory for my english dude. I hope that you understand that your jokes were extremely offensive. Note that I never said a word against the USA because I think you are clever and educated people.
P.S. Kaselowski isn't russian surname.
Surname is last name, correct? it's not my last name, it's a nickname they give me because I have German and Hungarian ancestry, and together I could pass for Russian(in their opinion, not mine).
lol I know, they just make fun of me for it. And I apologize for making you feel bad, I didn't mean anything bad by teasing. I don't see how they were offensive, but I understand that where you are the content is probably different. Here it takes some harsh stuff to get offended, and I suppose I took that for granted. That, and I didn't see it as offensive and that you'd automatically take it as a joke. And true, but you don't know much about the U.S.A., just as I know little on Russia, and I only messed with what i know about it(which is extremely limited).
I wasn't making fun of your English, just making sure you knew about it, because people like to know if they are writing properly. You are easily understood though, for you basically have it down. I don't expect anything fancy, since Russian is most likely your primary idioma/language.
Thanks for the compliment? I find our people to be ignorant and rude, just as I suppose I did to you. After awhile, it sorta becomes natural to act in such a way. I did not mean to offend in any way, shape, or form. Where I live, it's usually a way to mess with people and create conversation. It isn't to make you feel bad or upset, but to get ya to speak back and mess around to me lol. Everywhere has its own customs, and even in the U.S. there are many different cultures, behavioral patterns, etc.
Glad you guys managed to work it out. I never like getting involved in misunderstandings like that.
For the record, I'm from England. Born in London but live on the very south coast of the country. It gets very cold and it's full of old people, which is why I'm so grumpy all the time
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There is one exception that I can think of and that is a pub, especially the rural independently owned ones as that is part of the character of that type of pub.
But obviously there exist quite some other places on earth which are beautiful or even more beautiful. For me personally i found out that i either need mountains or a sea for beeing happy, if both comes together i also won't complain. :O)
One thing which suprised me was when i went to Africa, especially in Egypt i first thought this looks like a complete messed up place, no green, all this dust and brown, all those unfinished buildings and so on. After some time i got used to it and liked the environment there as well and i always wanted to experience the desert.
@Avistew The "How are you?" question bothers me to no end as well! I get the same way. When I'm having a bad day, I really don't want anyone to ask me how I am. Because saying "fine" makes me feel even worse. And going into a shop and having some salesgirl follow me around like a shadow drives me insane. I don't want her watching my every reaction to each item I look at. I notice that in larger stores the staff leave you alone, but in little stores, the salesgirl follows you everywhere. I don't shop in those stores because of that very fact. I usually end up buying most things online these days to avoid the crowds of stores. I also think the best waiter is the one who is invisible, unless you need him. No one likes being watched while they eat. And I've had situations where a waiter has come up to our table and asked how everything is, while we're chewing our food. That, to me, is the epitome of rudeness. I have to rush to swallow my food to answer him, it's ridiculous. And I've had these situations occur in both cities and rural areas of the U.S.
That aside, I live about 20 minutes outside of NYC, so I have a tree in my backyard and grass and all that. But I work in the city and most of my friends live there.
A lot of people have this same reaction. And I understand it in theory, but I find NYC to be oddly friendly. At least in the last 5 years I have spent there. When you walk down the streets no one really talks to you, but quite honestly, no one would get anywhere if people were talking to each other all the time. And there are so many people, that I don't particularly want anyone to talk to me. So that works out well.
Yet, when I go into a bakery or something like that, the employees are always friendly and smiling, and they look genuinely happy. And they don't ask me "how I am," but they smile and say hello, and ask what I want to buy. And it's all rather pleasant. Sometimes they'll make a joke or comment on something and it's all very, just happy.
And although no one talks to you in the subway or on the streets generally, they do if they are genuinely confused. I have had so many people ask me directions to places. Or if I'm in a specific place or at an event, strike up a conversation (not about anything personal) but just about whatever it is we are doing/looking at/buying. I think because the city is the way you described it: a place with little privacy, so people have to ignore each other, many times you find people friendlier because of that.
Maybe it's just a matter of scouting out those people who are your type of friendly (if that makes any sense) and ignore the rest. While I suppose in a rural area, you almost have to talk to everyone, so the pleasantries are there so people don't get insulted? I have never lived in a truly rural place for an extended period of time, so I don't know.
But I'll tell you, there have been so many times that complete strangers have ended up telling me their life stories while on a line at the grocery, that I just can't believe the inhabitants of big cities aren't crying out to be sociable.
I was there on my honeymoon so I realise I was in a happy mood and everything (although we also had an argument, which we ended up happy about because we saw it as being officially a married couple xD) but still...
At the hotel, the guy was super nice and recommended some places we could try for eating or sight-seeing. In the streets, because I'm completely orientation-challenged I ended up being helped by at least one person every time I was outside, sometimes more than that. In restaurants and food stores, people were always smiling and willing to give me time to choose what I wanted, to make something special for me or to give me stuff without a bag, even though I could see they all thought it was weird.
At the theatre we went to watch some improv skits, we ended up talking with other people in the audience, and even chatting with the comedians.
When Ian lost his passport, it was rather painless to get it back because everyone helped us look for it.
One day there was a market in front of the hotel and we browsed it and talked to the sellers, and I didn't feel even once like they were trying to force me to buy stuff.
We went to the Daily Show and Colbert Report and talked to the people waiting in line with us, and it was all really nice.
Also, I ended up needing to use the bathroom while being out several times, and each time I entered a store and, well, for some reason 50% of them didn't have a bathroom for customers, but all of them gave me directions (and sometimes a key) to use the employee's. And I do mean stuff like having to go through several "Employees Only" kinda doors or going through the warehouse or something.
The people were nice, friendly, helpful and not in your face. I really can't equate that with Will's description of people ignoring you and making you feel alone, because that didn't happen to me at all.
That and saying "how are you?" is just second nature in some cultures. Its like getting mad at the Japanese for asking you to take off your shoes before entering their homes.
The thesis was that questions like "How are you?", while giving the pretense of opening a conversation, are actually trying to close and direct it. They are so formated that right away, you answer "fine, thanks" (or, in French, "yes") before you have time to realise the person has asked you how you are.
Then it's over. It's done. They did it, they asked, phew, no need to talk about it anymore.
While people who actually do want to know how you are are more likely to ask questions that are more specific. "How was your trip?" or "Is your girlfriend doing better?" or "Did you end up finishing your homework okay?"
Because these questions tend to require longer, more detailed answers, and because you are less likely to answer automatically and be "trapped" having answered.
Another thing is repeating the question. Like "How are you? Everything fine?" either in a row like that or after you answered the first time, giving you a change to answer honestly now that you've realised what question was asked to you.
Once you have said "fine" or "yes", depending on your language, you're pretty much stuck, especially with a stranger. It will be awkward if you go "well, actually, no, I'm not fine", and if you do master the courage to say that, you're going to be the one who brought it up, the one to blame. The person who asked will just be a poor victim you're dumping your problems onto.
I thought it was really interesting. Although I don't think anyone who asks "how are you" is really just trying to get it over with and some people are interested, it's true that you can tell the difference between the people who barely even pause for an answer and those who really want to know. They don't ask in the same way.
And on the Internet, for instance, people pretty much start with "what's up?" and "how are you?" but then they're going to ask more specific questions if they care. "Which plush are you working on?" or "Did you finish Trogdor?" or something for instance.
Anyway, I thought it was really true that in a lot of cases, asking "how are you" off the bat like that is a way to make sure people won't bring up their problems in the conversation, so in a way asking "how are you" is a way to make sure people don't tell you how they are.
I felt Will reaction sometimes, mostly because you, when you are in a place with not too much personal space, become more careful about your personal space, then ignore the other people mostly for protect it. And, I had been in a place with a lot of people and felt alone. I always attached that, though, to think I'm really bad at relationships with people I don't know (I'm really shy and quiet with people I don't know. I always try my best but it's difficult), but I like to be with happy people, even I don't know anyone.
Once though, I was in University, in a change of semester. My University is pretty known to be difficult and for been ones of with the biggest student-droping rate in Chile, so, I was used to most of the people just dissapear in a change of semester. This time, though, I seriously notice there were less people than ever. And that was weird...
Now, I mean, you say you get a greeting from everybody you see, but why would somebody want that? I don't know, it comes off to me as an obligation at that point. Like, you have to do this, and you have to make sure that you say something really short so that you don't
I don't know, how much do you think people actually care? I've noticed that people have asked "How are you?" and then proceeded to walk past me as I answered. This is not an uncommon or single occurrence either, it's something that happened a lot while I was still trying to figure out why people did this thing that was so weird and in my face.
And if everybody's asking you how you are, even if everybody cares all the time, is it something special anymore? I mean, there's nothing distinct about being asked about your day, and if it's something everybody does with everybody else you have to worry about wasting their time on an exchange that is intended to last a maximum of 5 seconds per person.
I know that people will say one thing to your face and another behind your back a lot of the time, but it just feels so much more prevalent in places where keeping up appearances and being "nice" and "polite" are considered huge priorities. I'd prefer for the people who don't care to ignore me, for the people who dislike me to just say that they don't, because then you know where you're standing with people, and your amicable relationships are actually with people who want to know what you're up to, and you can get about your day without wasting your time and getting distracted by meaningless pleasantries.
Huh. That's never how I saw life in New York. People don't "ignore you" intentionally so much as everybody has their own things to do, and why should everybody be personally interested in everything you do?(I should probably be using the "I" pronoun, come to think about it, because using "you" feels accusatory, especially in that last sentence). The thing about that is, though, when you want to talk to people, you can easily put yourself in a context in which that's acceptable. You don't need to have every shopkeep and neighbor and person who happens to occupy a similar physical space to start up a conversation with you, because it's New York City. There are a million ways and places to socialize. And the thing is, if you have a reason to talk, and you show an interest in what you or other people are saying, people generally aren't rude about it. New Yorkers love to talk, they express their opinions about everything, it's just that you generally aren't saying something to every person on the street because there are literally hundreds of people within your field of vision in every direction.
It just feels like, in a major metropolitan area, you get more real conversations and less time bogged down by pleasantries.
Ok.. I think I get your point, but I can't see how Remind I care about someone has to be something special. I feel that has to be done all the time. Because caring it's something important and something need it.
In small towns, pretty much every one knows every one and they care, even a little, about those people. In biggest cities in exchange, it's like all the people always change, but at the same time, it's so many people and then you know no one. Since you don't really know any one, you feel alone. You can become used to be alone, talk with people about stuff, but never really care about it. But people who are used to be cared and care about the guy who lives next to you, need those things back.
It's difficult to explain it, in fact, because you can grow used to be cared and you can grow also used to be cared just of selected people. But I feel here I can go and ask to normal person and they will help me, but in a big City I don't feel the same. I felt, when I was in Santiago (The nearest thing to a big city we have here) people felt alone and that's why everytime I asked them how they are, they felt somewhat pleased, for real. Like, they were waiting to someone to ask them THAT. In small towns, they already have it and they seem less like they need it. So, in big cities, that become special, but in small towns, that's normal. And I think is that the way it has to be, normal. People here has an smile, a real smile. Unlike there, in the Big City, they seem they have a frown. Most of the time. At least for me.
Out of curiosity, what are the ridiculously PC today lyrics (besides replacing every instance of King with Queen
In the city friends are just people you have so you don't have to drink your fancy frappucinos alone. You city slickers bring the bile up the back of my throat...
OJ!
I wondered about that too. Because the way I see it, if you want to be left alone, you can, and if you want to go out with friends, it's easy too, and if all your friends are busy, it's easy to meet new people, as well.
I wonder if it's because the people who say that tend to have grown up in smaller places. When they move, they don't know anyone, and it's overwhelmind so they don't know how to meet people. Or something.
Because I can tell you, I've been here for a year and I don't have a single friend. And when I spent a year in Edmonton? Didn't make one friend.
But in Paris, I still have friends there, some I met while in high school, some I met while in university, some I met after I dropped out. While being the time period, not how I met them.
My point being that my friends aren't all childhood friends, you meet new people easily. You might think "there are lots of people so you don't know where to look" or something, but here there are so few people that you either settle for people I'd never want as friends in a million years, or you don't make friends at all.
I didn't have many friends in Paris, but there were more people to choose from, therefore more great people overall. I don't think the proportion is higher than anywhere else, but 1% of the Parisian population is much more than 1% of littlesmalltownvillage.
And there are more activities prone to meeting new people. Here there is only one theatre (of the "movies" kind, none of the other), no bowling alley or pool/arcade place, no congresses where you can meet people interested in the same stuff you like, etc, etc.
Really, I've made more friends on the Internet than in this town, and I don't expect that to change because by now I've met everyone.
I never felt lonely in Paris. If I wanted to be alone, people left me alone. If I didn't want to be alone, I dropped someone a line and we went to grab a movie or go skating or play videogames at each other's place. If for some reason I didn't want to see my existing friends, I always had places to go where I knew I could talk to people and maybe make some new friends.
You just have more choice and more stuff to do. It's so dead here I end up spending most of my time online now.
But as I said, now I'm also stressed out by crowds. So that means I don't like either big cities or small towns. I guess I'd need something in the middle. If I absolutely had to choose between the two though, that would be big city. Access to everything I might need or want is definitely more important than avoiding crowds, phobia notwithstanding.
Nice meeting you wdl. My name is Sotter and I am from Greece. By the way, isn't this thread at a wrong category?
In Sovet Russia we like to play/read/watch "The Walking Dead" with bears
My name is Pavel
P.S. Winter is comming...
In April?!
Yes of course, I like it, I like snow
*sweatdrop* And eh, I love the snow, but only to a certain extent. If I get snow, I don't want a couple inches. I want FEET. And you do things with bears? Lonely life of Russians ^_^ We use arms...
Wha... what... ah you... ahhh.
We are no lonley ok? End of story :mad: I'm start to fearing of your mind :mad:
*We are NOT lonely okay?* :P
You are nothing know about us. Don't even try to understand us! :mad:
P.s. You that have against Clem? :mad:
Also, your English is lil broken bro, but otherwise readable/legible
Damn sory for my english dude. I hope that you understand that your jokes were extremely offensive. Note that I never said a word against the USA because I think you are clever and educated people.
P.S. Kaselowski isn't russian surname.
I wasn't making fun of your English, just making sure you knew about it, because people like to know if they are writing properly. You are easily understood though, for you basically have it down. I don't expect anything fancy, since Russian is most likely your primary idioma/language.
Thanks for the compliment? I find our people to be ignorant and rude, just as I suppose I did to you. After awhile, it sorta becomes natural to act in such a way. I did not mean to offend in any way, shape, or form. Where I live, it's usually a way to mess with people and create conversation. It isn't to make you feel bad or upset, but to get ya to speak back and mess around to me lol. Everywhere has its own customs, and even in the U.S. there are many different cultures, behavioral patterns, etc.
Again, sorry mate!
Surname is last name, correct? it's not my last name, it's a nickname they give me because I have German and Hungarian ancestry, and together I could pass for Russian(in their opinion, not mine).
Never mind man, it's ok. We just started poorly.
Thanks, glad you aren't pissed or anything.
For the record, I'm from England. Born in London but live on the very south coast of the country. It gets very cold and it's full of old people, which is why I'm so grumpy all the time
Nope, seems fine to me. Dude's asking about where people who play The Walking Dead live.
Where else would you put it?