Even I can read that, and I don't need to understand 'Swampy writings' to do so.
YOU. ARE. AN. IDIOT.
Wait - where? Where does it say that?
NOWHERE! It doesn't say anything!
Oh god, we're all doomed.
...told you.
I freakin' told you.
Everyone here is a moron. Swampy, Sordid and, obviously, Simon. You are all stupid.
...
Yep, the dude just skedaddles.
Can't say I blame him, mind. I'd run too. The less anyone has to do with this nonsense the better.
Oh, and Simon's free now.
YAY.
Oh.
Well.
That's a shame.
...
See ya!
Actually, you have a choice here.
You can either leave Swampy to die (which I would have if the OCD sufferer in me didn't immediately exclaim "But he's in the next game! You can't leave him or it'll cause a massive plot hole!"), or...
...you use the vacuum cleaner and suck him up.
So in theory, you could basically kill Swampy.
ADD IT TO THE KILL COUNT.
Either way, we need to get the hell out now.
So back into the portal we go!
...and this is why we had to go through the innards of the Nexus earlier.
So we could familiarize ourselves with it before we had to make a mad rush through it in reverse.
...
It's still bad. The path we have to take is very small with lots of awkward angles and weird curves, and you're going to get caught on the edges of this path all the time.
And do you see the timer at the top?
...yep. We have to get through this section in two minutes.
Wait, where the hell did he come from? Didn't he leave BEFORE US?
Ah well, back to the chas-
What.
The.
FUCK.
No, seriously. The lights just completely went out.
BULLSHIT.
Oh yeah, 'cause that's much better.
Look, this is basic game design 101. When you are forcing people to go through a timed section, you need to make sure that the level doesn't randomly cut out the lights and/or textures, preventing the player from seeing where the hell they're supposed to go.
Here's a good example. This is the path you actually need to take.
Here's that same path WITHOUT ANY TEXTURES.
...can you see the problem?
Ugh.
EVENTUALLY I make it back to the teleporters and jump into...
Anyone?
Yes, the middle one. You have learned well.
Which results in...
Huzzah.
We then get a quick montage of various locations we've previously visited flickering in and out of existence.
It's boring and visually unimpressive, so I'm not gonna show it. You're welcome.
Anyway. Now that we're back in the 'real world' and Sordid's robot body has vanished, never to be seen again...
No, really. Last we see of him.
Hey ho.
OK, looks like Swampy REALLY messed things up.
Boot disk?
Yeah, that 'magical boots' thing from way back. Remember that?
Yeah.
The problem is getting it into the computer, which has no mouse or keyboard.
...and this leads to what is quite possibly the greatest puzzle in the entire game.
So.
Go ahead and solve it.
...go on. I'll wait.
Just let me change into a business suit and pose in front of a plane first.
And no cheating by checking a walkthrough! Go for it all on your own, if you would.
...
OK, ready to pose.
That was TOTALLY me. I just wore a wig.
...yeah.
Ahem. Have you solved it yet?
Need another minute?
...no?
Cool. OK, here we go.
Yup.
YOU OPEN YOUR OWN DISK DRIVE.
That's... that's just genius.
And it's the verylastpuzzle.
If the rest of the game had been this smart, it would have been far, far better.
Of course, we'd also have needed a likeable protagonist, an intelligent script and an entirely different control scheme, but it would have been a start.
Oh goodie! Can the game end now?
Not 'Hell', where you clearly belong?
Simon, you disappoint me.
Oh yes, we've got to put Swampy's soul back. Stupid conscience.
I'm regretting it already.
I... yeah. Sure. Whatever.
We're at the end of the game, I don't care any more.
Maybe I can shove him into a toaster or something. Maybe a pencil sharpener?
(Nostalgia Critic fans will get that)
THANK YOU.
...wait. Who are you?
Is that...
Oh, it's the GOOD Simon.
So we've been playing the evil one all along.
...that makes SO MUCH SENSE.
Yeah. Good and Evil, yadda yadda yadda. Look, your goatee isn't fooling anyone. You're clearly the good Simon.
I mean, you have to be. How else do you explain OUR Simon's douchiness?
Yeah. We could do that. Or, y'know, we could just STOP THE GAME.
Boosh.
And that, my friends, was Simon the Sorcerer 3D.
I hope you enjoyed it more than I di-
"Outtakes"? Are you kidding me?
Are they at least funny, like Pixar ones?
No.
No, they're not.
Oh Jesus, these are awful.
It's... no, these are terrible. Whoever wrote them should be flogged.
Mother of Zod, they're still going.
MAKE IT STOP PLEASE LORD MAKE IT STOP
AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!
why wont the pain stop
*whimper*
...
*sniff*
...really?
...you mean it?
...honestly?
...
...well, thank god. Ugh.
Anyway, that was Simon the Sorcerer 3D. I hope you guys enjoyed it, because I most certainly didn't.
This is easily the worst adventure game I've ever played, full of terrible puzzles, awful characters - with the title one being the worst by far - terrible graphics, rubbish music (when it was even there), horrific controls and an absolutely dire sense of humour.
It failed on every single conceivable level. It's not just a bad adventure game, it's a bad game FULL STOP and I'm just glad I never have to suffer through it agai-
I think that the bearded Simon that pops out of the computer was eventually confirmed to really be the good Simon, and he's frustrated with the whole having-a-beard thing since the usual trope is that bearded one = evil.
Or so I've heard. I haven't touched a Simon game since Simon 2.
Anyway, thanks for this LP. Now that I've seen the game from beginning to end, I can laugh with confidence at the (few) people I've encountered who claim that this game wasn't really that bad. About the only praise I can give this game, aside from the admittedly somewhat clever CD tray puzzle right at the end, is that you can actually finish it, so it's at least marginally better than Big Rigs.
About the only praise I can give this game, aside from the admittedly somewhat clever CD tray puzzle right at the end, is that you can actually finish it, so it's at least marginally better than Big Rigs.
Funny you mention it, since the GOG version is supposedly completely unfinishable BECAUSE of the CD tray puzzle.
Oddly enough, I had trouble with that final puzzle on both the original copy of the game that I own and the GOG version, though after a few goes the GOG one did eventually work. I think. Might have got them mixed up.
Glad you guys enjoyed the LP. Still musing over what to do next. Narrowed it down to a couple of choices. But as I said, I wanna catch up on other stuff first, so it'll be a while before I start anything new.
Maybe if you installed Alcohol 100%, used it to create a virtual disc drive, and then "opened" it? Of course, we'll never test this idea, because that would mean you'd have to play through this entire god-awful game. And really, who would be crazy enough to do that?
Maybe if you installed Alcohol 100%, used it to create a virtual disc drive, and then "opened" it? Of course, we'll never test this idea, because that would mean you'd have to play through this entire god-awful game. And really, who would be crazy enough to do that?
Maybe I could just install Alcohol 12.5% into my mouth and call it good? Definitely far more enjoyable.
Ah the final puzzle I couldn't get past simply because of the autoplay setting of my disc drive. Which I didn't find out about for at least a year after I had reached the end of the game. Also at which point I didn't have the save game any more, so had to replay the whole thing.
And you know what? It totally wasn't worth it, as you can see now.
So effectively, the only reason everyone had to go through all this was so Simon could put a disk in a drive? Because Swampy did everything else useful in the endgame.
Oh well, thanks for all the extreme effort you put in playing the game without throwing your computer into the wall putting this together for our entertainment!
Comments
*sniff*
Oh, no. No, don't... don't be stupid, Sordid.
No it doesn't.
It says: WARNING: main switch do not hit.
Even I can read that, and I don't need to understand 'Swampy writings' to do so.
YOU. ARE. AN. IDIOT.
Wait - where? Where does it say that?
NOWHERE! It doesn't say anything!
Oh god, we're all doomed.
...told you.
I freakin' told you.
Everyone here is a moron. Swampy, Sordid and, obviously, Simon. You are all stupid.
...
Yep, the dude just skedaddles.
Can't say I blame him, mind. I'd run too. The less anyone has to do with this nonsense the better.
Oh, and Simon's free now.
YAY.
Oh.
Well.
That's a shame.
...
See ya!
Actually, you have a choice here.
You can either leave Swampy to die (which I would have if the OCD sufferer in me didn't immediately exclaim "But he's in the next game! You can't leave him or it'll cause a massive plot hole!"), or...
...you use the vacuum cleaner and suck him up.
So in theory, you could basically kill Swampy.
ADD IT TO THE KILL COUNT.
Either way, we need to get the hell out now.
So back into the portal we go!
...and this is why we had to go through the innards of the Nexus earlier.
So we could familiarize ourselves with it before we had to make a mad rush through it in reverse.
...
It's still bad. The path we have to take is very small with lots of awkward angles and weird curves, and you're going to get caught on the edges of this path all the time.
And do you see the timer at the top?
...yep. We have to get through this section in two minutes.
Wait, where the hell did he come from? Didn't he leave BEFORE US?
Ah well, back to the chas-
What.
The.
FUCK.
No, seriously. The lights just completely went out.
BULLSHIT.
Oh yeah, 'cause that's much better.
Look, this is basic game design 101. When you are forcing people to go through a timed section, you need to make sure that the level doesn't randomly cut out the lights and/or textures, preventing the player from seeing where the hell they're supposed to go.
Here's a good example. This is the path you actually need to take.
Here's that same path WITHOUT ANY TEXTURES.
...can you see the problem?
Ugh.
EVENTUALLY I make it back to the teleporters and jump into...
Anyone?
Yes, the middle one. You have learned well.
Which results in...
Huzzah.
We then get a quick montage of various locations we've previously visited flickering in and out of existence.
It's boring and visually unimpressive, so I'm not gonna show it. You're welcome.
Anyway. Now that we're back in the 'real world' and Sordid's robot body has vanished, never to be seen again...
No, really. Last we see of him.
Hey ho.
OK, looks like Swampy REALLY messed things up.
Boot disk?
Yeah, that 'magical boots' thing from way back. Remember that?
Yeah.
The problem is getting it into the computer, which has no mouse or keyboard.
...and this leads to what is quite possibly the greatest puzzle in the entire game.
So.
Go ahead and solve it.
...go on. I'll wait.
Just let me change into a business suit and pose in front of a plane first.
And no cheating by checking a walkthrough! Go for it all on your own, if you would.
...
OK, ready to pose.
That was TOTALLY me. I just wore a wig.
...yeah.
Ahem. Have you solved it yet?
Need another minute?
...no?
Cool. OK, here we go.
Yup.
YOU OPEN YOUR OWN DISK DRIVE.
That's... that's just genius.
And it's the very last puzzle.
If the rest of the game had been this smart, it would have been far, far better.
Of course, we'd also have needed a likeable protagonist, an intelligent script and an entirely different control scheme, but it would have been a start.
Oh goodie! Can the game end now?
Not 'Hell', where you clearly belong?
Simon, you disappoint me.
Oh yes, we've got to put Swampy's soul back. Stupid conscience.
I'm regretting it already.
I... yeah. Sure. Whatever.
We're at the end of the game, I don't care any more.
Maybe I can shove him into a toaster or something. Maybe a pencil sharpener?
(Nostalgia Critic fans will get that)
THANK YOU.
...wait. Who are you?
Is that...
Oh, it's the GOOD Simon.
So we've been playing the evil one all along.
...that makes SO MUCH SENSE.
Yeah. Good and Evil, yadda yadda yadda. Look, your goatee isn't fooling anyone. You're clearly the good Simon.
I mean, you have to be. How else do you explain OUR Simon's douchiness?
Yeah. We could do that. Or, y'know, we could just STOP THE GAME.
Boosh.
And that, my friends, was Simon the Sorcerer 3D.
I hope you enjoyed it more than I di-
"Outtakes"? Are you kidding me?
Are they at least funny, like Pixar ones?
No.
No, they're not.
Oh Jesus, these are awful.
It's... no, these are terrible. Whoever wrote them should be flogged.
Mother of Zod, they're still going.
MAKE IT STOP PLEASE LORD MAKE IT STOP
AAAAAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!
why wont the pain stop
*whimper*
...
*sniff*
...really?
...you mean it?
...honestly?
...
...well, thank god. Ugh.
Anyway, that was Simon the Sorcerer 3D. I hope you guys enjoyed it, because I most certainly didn't.
This is easily the worst adventure game I've ever played, full of terrible puzzles, awful characters - with the title one being the worst by far - terrible graphics, rubbish music (when it was even there), horrific controls and an absolutely dire sense of humour.
It failed on every single conceivable level. It's not just a bad adventure game, it's a bad game FULL STOP and I'm just glad I never have to suffer through it agai-
...get my gun.
Ah, that's so much better.
...
Bye everyone!
Or so I've heard. I haven't touched a Simon game since Simon 2.
Anyway, thanks for this LP. Now that I've seen the game from beginning to end, I can laugh with confidence at the (few) people I've encountered who claim that this game wasn't really that bad. About the only praise I can give this game, aside from the admittedly somewhat clever CD tray puzzle right at the end, is that you can actually finish it, so it's at least marginally better than Big Rigs.
Funny you mention it, since the GOG version is supposedly completely unfinishable BECAUSE of the CD tray puzzle.
Glad you guys enjoyed the LP. Still musing over what to do next. Narrowed it down to a couple of choices. But as I said, I wanna catch up on other stuff first, so it'll be a while before I start anything new.
I had to disable my Deamon Tools-created virtual drive for the final puzzle to work, so I'm guessing that probably wouldn't work for others.
Maybe I could just install Alcohol 12.5% into my mouth and call it good? Definitely far more enjoyable.
Well, who would be crazy enough after watching someone else's pain and suffering. You endured it so that the rest of us might know better.
Yes, this sounds like a much nicer option.
And you know what? It totally wasn't worth it, as you can see now.
Oh well, thanks for all the extreme effort you put in playing the game without throwing your computer into the wall putting this together for our entertainment!