Now if you recall, whenever Simon's died in one of the dozen or so atrocious minigames, he respawned at a nearby Life Pad so he could try again.
Basically it was an in-game explanation for how we could retry all the minigames. Not that we actually needed one, of course, but then again the developers priorities are all over the map, so I guess them focusing on that shouldn't be much of a surprise.
Anyway. There's actually a Life Pad just outside of the inn, and up until now it hasn't had any use. But since we've just had Simon get brutally torn limb from limb in a manner which was no doubt extremely painful...
...hang on, I need to watch that GIF a couple more times. Bear with me.
...
...ah, that was good. OK. So. Simon died.
And now he's resurrected.
We can but hope it's not a one-off.
Now we could go back down to the basement, but we can't get through the magical barrier that Runt put up.
Hell, we can't even acknowledge the damn thing's existance (nice job, developers).
What we CAN do is go back into the garden.
OK. I'm gonna need to explain what's going on here, becuase this puzzled me when I first came to it.
If you recall when we met Swampy, we ended up getting blown up and flying all the way back here.
Now, if you have an extremely good memory (or go back and check, you cheater), you may recall me saying this:
Actually, make note of the fact that he crashed through a skylight in the roof of this room. The game doesn't really highlight this, but it'll come into play later.
Man, it's almost like I'm psychic or something.
Anyway. What we're facing right here:
...THAT'S the skylight, and that's how we're going to get back into the basement.
Does the game make any of this clear?
In fact, it was so long ago that you could well have forgotten that you even crashed through here in the first place. I'm willing to bet most of you reading this did, right?
Well, yeah. This game doesn't even remotely tell you what you should be doing and makes it damn near impossible to actualy do even if you know.
*sigh*
Anyway. Since we can't even interact with the giant hole that's critical to continuing the game, we might as well chat to the kid on the tire swings behind us.
Wait. He looks kinda familiar.
...I guess he got bored of basketball. Or the developers just couldn't be bothered to make a new model for...
WAIT A SECOND. I know that kid on the left as well!
...I've played this game way too much.
OK, so let's talk to the kid we haven't horribly abused (yet).
...
...do I even have to mention just how terrible that looks? Really? Ugh.
Anyway. He challenges us to a swinging contest. Whoever can swing highest wins.
Quite why we need to do this is utterly beyond me, but it's an adventure game - if you can do it, it's bound to be essential in some utterly baffling fashion.
But if we win...
...that's not even a real number.
BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE HIM SODDING WELL HONOUR IT ANYWAY.
Oh, hello. Are you going to give me some information about how to swing on a... swing?
Thank you.
Seriously, her instructions can be completely ignored. Basically you just need to press the direction you want to swing - hold up to move forwards, hold down to swing backwards. Nothing too difficult as I'm sure you can imagine.
So let's get our swing on, bitches.
It takes me a couple of seconds to get going, but it's not long before I've gotten into the swing of it (don't worry, I've already slapped myself for saying that).
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP SHOWING THAT SHOT, IT LOOKS AWFUL.
Oh, that doesn't sound good.
...great.
And sadly, because he did it to himself, we can't blame Simon for that. Bah!
Oh sure, focus on that and not the fact that the horrible squishing sound he made implies that he's - at the very least - horribly mutilated. That's... that's our Simon.
But yeah, kid owes me a fuckload of money. Someone check his will.
Anyway, we can now take the tire swing he was using, since it's broken away from the frame.
See?
Now, guess how we use it.
Go on, GUESS.
You will NOT believe the amount of physics we're about to defy here.
Seriously, it's almost insane how stupid this is.
Are you ready for this?
See, now if you thought he was just going to use that a rope to climb down, you'd have been smart.
You'd also have been very, very wrong.
These are not out of order. Simon is literally using the tire swing... that he tied to a bench which isn't itself attached to anything... AS A BUNGEE CORD.
"Yeah, No."
Also, loving the graphical glitch on Calypso.
OK, time for some exposition. In the almost-literal FIVE MINUTES I've been gone, Runt has managed to take everyone except Calypso back to Sordid's fortress.
Oh, and for added bonuses, not only is Simon's dialogue every bit as unfunny and punch-worthy as normal, but now he pauses every couple of words because he's bouncing up and down, making the sentences about 3 times longer as a result.
FUCK THIS GAME.
Anyway, we can now access Sordid's fortress via the overworld map. Woo.
What awaits us here?
A stealth section.
A fucking stealth section.
*sigh*
I'm gonna skim through this because it's a goddamn mother fucking stealth section and I'll be buggered if I spend any longer on it than I really need to.
Three things to point out here.
1) STICK TO THE SHADOWS. Obviously. Duh.
2) Your robes must be black to help you blend into the shadows (despite the fact the black robe also has bright white stars all over it).
3) At one point you'll pass by a small nook on the left you have to crouch to enter. You need to go in there and wait for a giant troll to walk past you.
In all honesty it's far from the worst stealth section I've ever played through, and the game is quite lenient - you can run as much as you want so long as you stay in the shadows. But even so, it's just the bloody principle of the thing, y'know?
Anyway. Once we're past that bit of time-wasting nonsense, we get to Sordid's fortress proper.
...or not. Bollocks. The bridge there doesn't even remotely reach it, and there's no other way across.
Balls.
Fortunately our trip here isn't a complete waste - we get to root through Sordid's mail.
See? (I don't quite know why he's showing us that letter, the texture quality's so shit I can barely make anything out).
If we look at the letter in our inventory, then we find out it's addressed to the greengrocers in Poliganis, demanding the "usual".
Odd how it never actually made it to the greengrocers, but since it's the only thing we've got, we might as well go deliver it.
And in typical postal service fashion, it's going to take us... ooooh, I dunno. 4 days?
(or until I post the next update, whichever comes first)
Some of the images aren't displaying properly - Photobucket doesn't appear to be loading them right. It may just be that they're taking a while to process or something, but who knows.
I've got to get to work shortly, so if the pictures haven't loaded properly when I get back, I'll reupload them this evening. Just a heads up.
Time for us to actually deliver that letter.
Here's the greengrocers, by the way. It's on the path that leads between the Inn and the 'magic square' with the Wizard School and stuff.
And yes, we couldn't do anything with it before this point, although to be fair we COULD interact with it. We just got a "It's locked... they must be closed", but still. Baby steps.
Anyway. Let's pop the letter into the mailbox.
Well that was easy.
Why is Simon blatantly listening in? He's standing in the middle of the street. Everyone can see him do it!
...oh wait. BECAUSE HE'S SIMON. Forgot that for a second.
Wait - what?
Oh, the UPPER window. I thought they meant... well, you can probably guess what I thought they meant.
I can't believe it either, but that's mostly because it's a really, really stupid thing to do. Although really, what else was I expecting him to do, grow his own?
But hey ho, now we have a box marked with Sordid's address-WAIT A MINUTE.
This game doesn't even remotely deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as Monkey Island, but they made me do it anyway. Those lazy motherfuckers!
OK, OK, fine. We can't just climb into this crate - we have to empty it first. So what's in there?
Ooo, what could it possibly be? Brussel Sprouts? Radishes? Not... NOT LIMA BEANS?
Oh.
...well, yeah, OK. I'll give it a pass.
We do still need to get rid of them though, and clearly Simon's not going to touch them. Oh no.
Yep, we're not done abusing kids. Not yet.
If you recall, we left the hedgehog kid in the cheese factory, where he ate an entire warehouse full of cheese in about 5 seconds while everyone's backs were turned.
No, I'm not making that up. The camera was off him for almost exactly 5 seconds.
*sigh*
Well, let's go get the little git.
And there he is (just to the left of Simon's head. It's the best shot I had of him, sorry).
So Simon's going around picking up kids now?
*slaps self*
But oh, you thought it'd be that simple?
Nope! They had to make this puzzle just that little bit more irritating. BECUASE OF COURSE THEY DID.
...if you can see where this is going, then feel free to join me in absolutely despising everyone involved in the creation of this game.
Every. Single. One.
Ugh.
I feel dirty.
Oh Mother of Zod, I think I might throw up now.
I think this is the single most disgusting thing I've ever had to do in a video game.
Seriously. I can't believe anyone thought this was an OK thing to do. It's... it's horrifying.
Just... just stop talking.
And so, having been whacked in the stomach, thrown up a bunch of partially digested cheese all over some caulliflowers and then eaten both (oh man, it sounds even worse when you describe it word for word), the hedgehog kid has wandered off, never to be seen again, leaving behind an empty box and about three weeks worth of nightmare fuel.
Let's... let's just get in the damn box and be done with this whole sodding chapter.
STOP MAKING THINGS WORSE YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Oh, so you've stolen from Monkey Island 2 twice now, have you? Fuck you AdventureSoft, you got everything you sodding deserved.
....At least they had the decency to admit where they stole that puzzle from?
I actually don't even recall where that sort of puzzle was used in the first Simon as I was probably more distracted by how blatantly it copied the three trials thing from Monkey Island 1, but that whole game is a blur to me. A blur of difficult-to-spot items and paths.
There's this dungeon in the first game you have to get into. Outside it on the ground there's a shopping list or something you can bring back to the store in the town you start off in and when you get back there later there's a crate outside the store. When you hop into the crate you end up inside a cell filled with bones inside the dungeon.
I didn't have many games back when I played the first Simon, so I remember parts of it very well. I don't remember much of the second game though, other than that it's not very funny. Oh, and unfortunately I remember the town fool vividly.
...and we're back. And hopefully fully recoved from the truly horrible events of last time.
Time for a new chapter. Here's the new loading screen.
Woo.
(Actually, did I show the one for Chapter 5? Ah, who cares, it was rubbish anyway)
Right. So, when we last left Simon, he'd blatantly ripped off a puzzle from Monkey Island 2, even going so far as to flat-out SAY he'd ripped it off. Simply saying you've done something doesn't excuse the fact that you did it in the first place, people.
But hey, let's find out if it worked.
It did. Huzzah.
All right, let's have a look around then.
Oh THAT'S not an encouraging sign.
And in case you were wondering - no, you're not the only one getting a sense of Deja Vu, because this place seems rather similar to LeChuck's lair from MI2. A poor man's version of LeChuck's lair, anyway.
Anyway, let's move on.
Why has the camera suddenly cut to this thing? I have a bad feeling about this...
Waa! Flying blue light! RUN AWAY!
...actually, maybe I don't need to. I can do something colour-related, can't I?
Hmm. Let's see if this works.
Well it looks hideous, so if that's the effect we were going for, then bravo.
And neutralised! Huzzah! I guess the one colour-based thing I can do is actually useful for something! Woohoo!
Ugh! I actually think this one might be the very worst of the lot!
Yep, yellow was worst.
Incidentally, did I mention how tall this tower is?
BECAUSE IT'S REALLY, REALLY TALL.
Oh, finally.
Right. What's next?
Oh PLEASE tell me he's stroking a fluffy rectangular white cat. Then we'll have the trifecta of clichés.
Bah.
So yeah, that's the plan. Sordid plans to control the Nexus that runs the entire universe.
And apparently, he doesn't need the magical boots to do it.
Uh, no it isn't. I've got it in my (surprisingly roomy) robe.
But then again, that begs the question of why Runt isn't with his beloved master as he takes over the universe.
Well, that answers that then.
It's got seven differently coloured wires. I sense a repeat of what we've just done is coming up.
Oh look, it's the heroes who've done absolutely bloody nothing. Glad to see the time we spent gathering them all together was worthwhile.
And for the record, it's just Melissa and Coneman the Barabrain here. Jar Nin and Prince Charming/Valiant/Whatever are nowhere to be found, and indeed will never be seen again.
BYE!!!
Now- Oh, I'm sorry, you weren't finished. My apologies. Please Runt, continue.
I'll bet.
(Anyone getting flashbacks to the two levers in Conker's Bad Fur Day? No? OK, just me then)
And with that, the cutscene is (mercifully) over and we can now control Simon once again.
Problem is, Runt's done some magic that renders us unable to actually move anywhere. We can turn, but we can't move from this spot.
Now my first thought here was to use the Kite to hit the buttons that Runt mentioned a minute ago.
This, however, doesn't work.
...guess what does.
Yep, the peashooter we won from the carnival. Bet you'd forgotten we had that, didn't you.
Well hey, SO DID I.
In the grand scheme of things this picture is utterly irrelevant and I'm sorry to bring it up, but I HAVE to bring your attention to the picture on the left, seemingly right in the middle of Runt's chair.
First of all, we can only see that picture because of a graphical glitch that renders that section of the chair see-through, so I wanted to mention that.
Second, there's what's actually on the picture, and I know I shouldn't be thinking about this too hard, but I can't help it - it's just engraved on my mind.
When the hell did Sordid have time to pose for that picture in his new mechanical body?
...see, now YOU can't thinking about it either, can you. Mwa-ha-ha!
...whoops.
Actually, hitting this does nothing, so we'd better hit the other one.
OK, so Melissa and Coneman are released. They're both still unconscious though (despite Melissa's eyes being open!)
Now what.
Oh yeah, we had that old voodoo doll, didn't we. God, this really is an 'old inventory items you'd completely forgotten about' sort of puzzle, isn't it.
Again, I wouldn't normally feature this image, but the game had the most bizarre bug that I simply HAD to mention at this point.
The audio dialogue doesn't match the subtitles here.
Now if you recall, earlier on in the game there were a couple of instances where the audio files simply didn't play and all we had to go on were the subtitles.
This is similar, but instead of not playing the audio files, it just plays the wrong one.
So while the subtitles say "It's working!" and one or two other things, Simon's ACTUALLY saying the following.
(and I swear, I haven't made ANY of this up, these audio files actually do play):
"It may be some kind of aphrodisiac"
"I can't just set everything on fire, those days are... behind me now"
"No way, I'm saving this for the-" (the line's cut off here)
"I like the way you think. If she's drunk she'll never be able to resist my boyish good looks, but this is probably not the time"
"I'm not stabbing anybody else today"
"This thing is not a babe magnet... unlike me"
It's kinda hard to get across in still pictures, but he basically punches Runt across the room. Doing this disables the magic keeping us in one spot, so when we get control back, we'll actually be able to move again, huzzah.
The puzzle taken from Monkey Island 2, the evil lair looking like a shit 3D version of LeChuck's lair and now Simon uses a voodoo doll to do a puzzle. Did they run out of ideas and decided to replay Monkey Island 2 to see what they can use?
Rather wonderfully, I've run out of bandwidth over at Photobucket.
Either a lot more people are reading this thread than I thought (which'd be nice), or Photobucket is lying, because I really don't believe I've used 10GBs of bandwidth this month. 10 GBs.
Anyway. If you're having trouble seeing any pictures, that'd probably be why.
I've really been liking Imgur. It's sort of how Photobucket used to be, but better. And you have the option of whether or not you want to log in to upload.
I agree. Imgur is the best. I've also really been enjoying Imageshack because it's really easy to change the size of the image (so great for making impromptu avatars and such).
The pics are back! If you still see that Photobucket notice, press the Reload/Refresh button in your browser, or delete your cache and try again. (Or he's run out of bandwidth again already.)
(Not looking forward to transferring the images across, guh)
I'd say just leave what's on Photobucket on Photobucket, and put the new pics on another service. That way, they won't interfere with each other's bandwidth. Fewer people should be looking at the older pictures by now.
Oh, they're back? Great! Now I can stop bothering about saving them on my hard drive so I can re-upload them elsewhere. 'cause that was a right royal pain in the behind, lemme tell you.
Will get back into this tonight (or tomorrow morning for you Yanks), so expect an update then.
Oh, they're back? Great! Now I can stop bothering about saving them on my hard drive so I can re-upload them elsewhere. 'cause that was a right royal pain in the behind, lemme tell you.
Will get back into this tonight (or tomorrow morning for you Yanks), so expect an update then.
YAY! Looks like I chose the right weekend to get back on the net!
So Coneman'd been turned into a bird of some kind.
Sucks to be him, I guess.
Why, what are you gonna do - pull out a lightsaber or something? Pfft.
Oh, you worthless little gobshite. You really can't do ANYTHING, can you?
See? You see what you did? Now we've got to deal with HIM, of all people.
Go on then, let's see what happens.
I...
...I was joking!
...really, I was just kidding! You didn't have to actually DO IT!
GAAAAAAH!
...you're not.
...you ARE.
Fuck. You. All.
No, seriously. Was that supposed to be funny? 'cause it wasn't. Not even remotely.
This is what things have descended to, folks. A recycling of the "why won't the hose work?" gag, one of the oldest in physical comedy that has never, EVER, been funny.
Only now it's with lightsabers.
In a fantasy game.
...
I need to go and have a little cry in the corner somewhere. Bear with me a moment.
OK, OK, I'm good.
*sniff*
Yes, thank you for pointing out the 'OLD' part.
BECAUSE IT WAS.
Bit hard to tell, but that'd be the stupid, STUPID idiot fading away.
Oh wonderful. Now we've got to deal with this nonsense as well.
And he's flinging magic at us as well, how nice.
Nothing.
Yeah, remember that magic colour-based projectile puzzle we dealt with coming up the stairs?
...guess what we have to do again.
Yes, thanks for spelling it out, numbnuts. Like we couldn't figure it out on our own, with our brains.
Actually our brains are probably dribbling out of our ears at this point, so maybe a little handholding IS in order.
Funny, that.
Now do you see those buttons right behind Simon?
The ones that are all different colours?
Can you guess what we do with those?
Yep.
And we get to do this...
...seven...
...times...
...in...
...total.
Oh noes! I guess I'd better stop doing this:
...hadn't I?
Back in the red. Hey ho.
Odd how Runt has been kind enough to always shoot those bolts in the exact colours I need, isn't it?
I mean, if he REALLY wanted us to stop overloading the power, he could just keeping shooting us in the one colour so that we could only activate one of the seven crystals, but no, he goes through the entire spectrum of colours and just lets us do this.
Damned decent of him, really.
But enough of this analysing nonsense, let's just blow this sucker.
Well, that's spectacularly underwhelming.
...and I'm supposed to care how, exactly?
Well how in the hell does that work? And why do I care?
Oh, wait, I don't. Carry on then.
...you're waiting for it just as much as I am, aren't you.
Well go on then, don't keep us hanging around.
*slaps self*
Actually, have you guys ever HAD a Kinder Surprise?
Oh, they're gorgeous, they really are. That's milk chocolate on the outside and white chocolate on the inside, and it's some of the nicest stuff you'll ever find.
And as a bonus, you get a toy inside! They're in a plastic capsule that can be a little tricky to get open (and are practically impossible for younglings to open and swallow, phew) and they're usually pretty crappy, but whatever, it's fun finding out.
Unfortunately, this means that, thanks to the 1938 Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act, which bans "the sale of any candy that has embedded in it a toy or trinket", they're not sold in the US, which is a huge shame.
The closest those in America could get was 'Choco Treasure', which wasn't made by the same company and had a specially designed capsule that separated the two halves of the egg, circumventing the 1938 Act by making it ludicrously obvious that there is something inside the egg.
They were sold in Easter 2013, and though I haven't tried one myself, I hear the chocolate's not bad. But it's probably not as nice as Kinder though.
...I'm sorry, where was I?
Oh, right.
I would like to point out that the bird remains in that EXACT position, not flapping its wings or anything, while Runt says this line.
Glitches? WHAT glitches?
(oh, and his reading of the line "Hehehehehehe" is absolutely dire. I will not be sad about what happens to him)
...and down he goes.
To his death.
Yup.
GOD you're stupid.
Absolutely nothing about his character, either from the second game or this one, suggested anything other than that he was an evil little git who was more than happy helping Sordid enact his plans, and every single time you meet him, he quite happily tried to torture and/or kill you and everyone you were with.
You, good sir, are a moron.
Oh, don't say THAT! Don't you know the universal law of bad comedy?
Great stuff as always, Darth. However, you've given me a craving for a Kinder Surprise now. I haven't eaten one in years. I always ended up with a stupid figurine though (as opposed to an awesome toy that you have to construct yourself).
Also, American chocolate is shite. I tried a fair few varieties when I was in New York and they're all revolting. Who the fuck likes Oreos?! They taste nastier than the leavings of a diarrhetic camel. Even Mars Bars don't taste right in America.
Um, anyway... the let's play. Out of interest how much further to you have to torture yourself play until you reach the end? I've got 2 more parts of my let's play to go (and I've started on the first of those). I was wondering if your let's play and my let's play might finish at the same sort of time.
If I go back to one instalment a day... Wednesday is a good estimate. Definitely by the end of next week. There's not a huge amount left, to be honest. We're really into the end game at this point.
And yes. American chocolate < English chocolate. Even Milka is mana from heaven compared to that crap.
You weren't trying the right kinds of chocolate. Get some Ghirardelli's chocolate... that's the absolute best. They make it right in San Francisco and hand pick the cocoa beans to make each batch of chocolate perfect. My favorites are the little chocolate squares with caramel or mint or raspberry jam inside.
But yeah, if you judge it by the stuff you can buy in a convenience store then you'll be sorely disappointed.
Are Kinder Surprises English? I thought they were German for some reason. I agree that they are awesome and I quite a lot of them when I was a kid. It's true that it was always a huge letdown to get one of the toys that didn't require any assembling.
Also it's not fair to compare hand crafted to mass produced chocolate. Hand crafted chocolate is great anywhere. European mass produced chocolate is by far the best there is. One of my favourite is a Norwegian one which contains nuts and raisins. Awesome stuff.
Kinder is a German word, but the company that makes them is actually based out of Italy.
The U.S. mass market is based on "How do we make it cheaper, but still keep it good enough that people will buy it?" Which is why most of our mass-produced consumables taste like they do. There are still enough people willing to pay a little more for better stuff that there's better stuff available, but you won't find it in a convenience store.
Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that they're produced in England, just that you can buy them in England, along with many, many other delicious chocolate bars. Seriously, we're spoilt for choice here in the UK.
Kinder is a German word, but the company that makes them is actually based out of Italy.
The U.S. mass market is based on "How do we make it cheaper, but still keep it good enough that people will buy it?" Which is why most of our mass-produced consumables taste like they do. There are still enough people willing to pay a little more for better stuff that there's better stuff available, but you won't find it in a convenience store.
I don't doubt it but I do all my shopping in convenience stores or supermarkets so I'm pretty happy to be a UK resident on this occasion (there's something I don't say often because I mostly hate the UK).
My absolute favorite candy bar is the milk chocolate Nestlé Aero that's made in the UK. The US version by Hershey's, the Air Delight, is just awful.
Not all mass produced US chocolate is gross though. My area has one of the two major manufacturing facilities for DeMet's Candy Company, which makes DeMet's Turtles. Those are really good.
I went and bought a Kinder Surprise today. It was yummy. The toy was a little car. Vroom vroom, motherlovers.
So, we just killed Runt and Coneman (bumping Simon's murder count up to 9 - forgot to mention that). What now?
Well, if you INSIST.
...
Y'know, it's all well and good having a murder count, but if I'd actually kept a douche count, we'd probably be in the hundereds by this point.
Absolutely no reason to include that shot. No idea why I did it, it's not like there's anything to actually see.
*whistles*
Hundereds and ONE.
Yeah, it was great. There was cake and everything. No lie!
*slaps self, resolves to stop making lame puns*
I'm sorry, why exactly did we need her again? Anyone?
As far as I can recall, the only thing the REAL Melissa Leg has done is sat around and let herself get captured, then do absolutely nothing to escape.
I say to hell with her.
...or into the Nexus with her, that's fine too.
I guess.
YOu'd think I'd be used to being let down by this game by now.
You'd be wrong.
Oh, well, at least SOMEONE'S having a good time.
DIDDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
Yes. We get the 'joke'. Thanks, Captain Obvious.
OK, so here we are at the Nexus.
Nothing here except a bunch of ruins and...
...that's actually a half-decent question.
I flat-out refuse to believe he asked it on purpose.
It's Swampy. It's... it's quite clearly him.
If you already knew what it was, THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU ASK MELISSA, YOU STUPID, INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE FUCKWIT?
Being the incredibly genre-savvy nerd that I am, I can tell you straight away that the big twist is Swampy's actually going to be part of an ancient mystical race formerly of unspeakable power but long since gone, all of which he is completely unaware of.
...
...I am unsure as to whether to be proud of this knowledge or not.
Oh, deep and abiding joy. I can't WAIT to see what this dufus has to say.
So you mean I brought you all the way over here just so you could stand around and do bugger all?
And yes, that's literally what she does.
Stands there.
And does nothing.
So there was absolutely ZERO POINT in bringing her along.
...
Actually, let me show you the most interesting thing about her.
See that middle box on the top right?
...yup.
...
Right. Let's move on and tackle that stupid Swampy head.
FUCK.
Do... do you guys remember that song? 'cause I don't!
...I might have lied to try and save face.
I regret nothing.
Well, the path's open now, so let's head inside.
Seriously? She's just going to stay there?
So Melissa is, and always has been, totally useless. That's... that's just fantastic.
Oh well - might as well forget about her entirely then.
Which is handy, since the game does exactly the same thing, so...
Anyway. Let's head into the mouth and through the gums, look out stomach, here we come.
(Anyone else remember that rhyme? No? God I'm old.)
Bit hard to see, but it's a giant purple people eater paths.
Naturally I run across it as fast as I can, but as soon as I pass that small building...
Oh hey Swampy.
Wait - WHAT?
(I know not who you are, strangely dressed person. But I am knowing that you cannot be crossing the bridge.)
(Bridge only for people leaving the Centre of Controls. No people may be crossing the bridge in the direction you was walking in.)
(And only walking allowed on bridge. No runninging or joggining or you will be evaporated!)
...and this leads to one of the most irritating minigames of the game (which is fitting, since it's technically the last one).
This one'll take a bit of explaining, so bear with me.
Basically, you need to WALK across the bridge, but whenever it looks like this not-Swampy is about to pop out and check what you're doing, you need to turn 180 degrees and walk back the way you just came, since that's the only way he'll let you go. When he pops back into his building, you turn round and continue walking across the bridge.
Sound simple? Nope! You can't stop moving at any point, or you have to start over. This is bad enough, but it also means you can't accidentally toucch the sides of the path, since that stops you dead and, yep, it's back to the start.
Also, the bridge is quite long, and walking is quite slow.
All of which means THIS IS TEDIOUS AS FUCK.
10 minutes of my life I'll never get back, I've finally managed to make my way across.
THANKS, GAME.
Ooo, what mysteries could lie at the end of the tunnel?
It's a computer.
The Nexus... is a fucking computer.
On the right is the body of Sordid.
See?
It's just lying there. Doing nothing. And not letting us interact with it at all.
See, if it were me, I'd be fucking around with its electronic innards right now, but hey ho, WHATEVER.
On the other side of the room...
Oh, we can dick around with SWAMPY? Joy of joys.
(Well, we can look at him. But that's about it. Thank god.)
Uh... yay?
Well, we can't actually do anything with him, so let's take a closer look at that computer, shall we?
Is he... is he actually tapping MY monitor?
Piss off, you little git.
And you! God, I'm surrounded by people who need to just. Go. Away.
Ah, I see you've turned into the exposition fairy.
Not to be confused with the Fairy Godmother, who's also vanished into the ether and will indeed never be seen again, and who deserves a nice big retroactive:
(Nope, not tired of that yet!)
And presumably we need to follow them?
Called it.
Just? JUST?
That was around 20 hours ago!
20 long, frustrating, wasted hours...
*cries*
Fine. Let's get it over with then.
Sadly, now that's he's just a spirit, I can't punch him for that.
...anyone got any holy water?
And so, we leap head first into the Nexus computer.
What will we find in there? Could it be a really crappy level based around computer circuitry? Or might the developers have some actual imagination?
Find out in the next- it's a crappy level based around circuitry. Unlike this game, I'm not a dick.
It's a crappy level based around computer circuitry. See? Wasn't that worth getting excited for?
...if you said No, congratulations. You have a brain.
Lots of small, narrow paths here that do not mix well with the terrible movement controls.
Fun fact: I spent around 5 minutes running around trying to figure out where the bloody hell I was supposed to go because the level design here is so horribly awful and the camera actively hated me.
Fuck you, Adventuresoft.
Eventually I figured out (by reading a walkthrough - NO SHAME) that you're not actually supposed to go wandering through the Nexus.
You'd think so, but no.
Instead you have to TURN AROUND FROM YOUR STARTING POSITION.
FUCK YOU, ADVENTURESOFT!
Now. Guess which of these three pads you have to step on. Go on, guess.
This takes us to another area of the Nexus, which is basically a straight path (albeit one full of very small sections you can easily get caught on) that leads to:
Oh for fuck's sake.
Can't be bothered with another guessing game - it's the left one this time.
Are we there yet?
Oh. Yes. Huzzah.
Quite why we couldn't have arrived here when we first entered the Nexus is partially explained later.
It's still stupid, mind, but it is explained.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, I needed that. Thank you, game.
Oops. Probably shouldn't have laughed so loud. Oh well, what's done is done.
We're near the end? OH THANK GOD.
1) You need Swampy's help? We're all boned.
2) Why is Sordid's soul in the shape of his robot body? Shouldn't it look more like this:
3) WHY THE FUCK AM I NITPICKING THIS SHIT?
Christ, for someone so genre-savvy, Simon can't half be an idiot sometimes.
And by sometimes, I mean ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Man, I'm going overboard with the silly images today, aren't I.
*shrugs*
Seriously - BONED.
That's our 'hero'! Always thinking about the greater good.
Please do. It's not like he doesn't deserve it. What was his kill count again?
I don't know which is more exciting, that we're near the end of the game, or that we're near the end of the page. Seriously, it's starting to get to be a bitch to load.
Since Darth is almost at the end of this horrible horrible horrible game. Maybe his next picture Let's Play should be Family Guy Back to the Multiverse or Doctor Who the Enternal Clock or something like that . Whatever the case since we are almost at the end of this Let's Play, I'll just say its been an entertaining Let's Play
And so we approach the end. I'm sure it'll have a thrilling conclusion that'll neatly wrap up the plot (hah, "plot") and leave us happy and content, right? Right?
Ryan - both of those games wouldn't make for very good screenshot Let's Plays. Adventure games and RPGs... the focus on story means that they work much better than action titles, which work best as VIDEO Let's Plays. And I've still got one of those I keep putting off, so I'm not keen on doing another one.
Thanks for the support and words of appreciation. It means a lot that I've managed to keep you guys entertained with all of this nonsense. At least some good came out of it!
I have been thinking about what to do next, actually. I've got a couple of ideas, but nothing solid yet. I'm gonna (try to) catch up with some other stuff first, then we'll see. Rest assured though, there will be more. Another sentence with a comma in it, totally required.
Comments
OK, where were we?
Ah yes. Glorious.
Now if you recall, whenever Simon's died in one of the dozen or so atrocious minigames, he respawned at a nearby Life Pad so he could try again.
Basically it was an in-game explanation for how we could retry all the minigames. Not that we actually needed one, of course, but then again the developers priorities are all over the map, so I guess them focusing on that shouldn't be much of a surprise.
Anyway. There's actually a Life Pad just outside of the inn, and up until now it hasn't had any use. But since we've just had Simon get brutally torn limb from limb in a manner which was no doubt extremely painful...
...hang on, I need to watch that GIF a couple more times. Bear with me.
...
...ah, that was good. OK. So. Simon died.
And now he's resurrected.
We can but hope it's not a one-off.
Now we could go back down to the basement, but we can't get through the magical barrier that Runt put up.
Hell, we can't even acknowledge the damn thing's existance (nice job, developers).
What we CAN do is go back into the garden.
OK. I'm gonna need to explain what's going on here, becuase this puzzled me when I first came to it.
If you recall when we met Swampy, we ended up getting blown up and flying all the way back here.
Now, if you have an extremely good memory (or go back and check, you cheater), you may recall me saying this: Man, it's almost like I'm psychic or something.
Anyway. What we're facing right here:
...THAT'S the skylight, and that's how we're going to get back into the basement.
Does the game make any of this clear?
In fact, it was so long ago that you could well have forgotten that you even crashed through here in the first place. I'm willing to bet most of you reading this did, right?
Well, yeah. This game doesn't even remotely tell you what you should be doing and makes it damn near impossible to actualy do even if you know.
*sigh*
Anyway. Since we can't even interact with the giant hole that's critical to continuing the game, we might as well chat to the kid on the tire swings behind us.
Wait. He looks kinda familiar.
...I guess he got bored of basketball. Or the developers just couldn't be bothered to make a new model for...
WAIT A SECOND. I know that kid on the left as well!
...I've played this game way too much.
OK, so let's talk to the kid we haven't horribly abused (yet).
...
...do I even have to mention just how terrible that looks? Really? Ugh.
Anyway. He challenges us to a swinging contest. Whoever can swing highest wins.
Quite why we need to do this is utterly beyond me, but it's an adventure game - if you can do it, it's bound to be essential in some utterly baffling fashion.
But if we win...
...that's not even a real number.
BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE HIM SODDING WELL HONOUR IT ANYWAY.
Oh, hello. Are you going to give me some information about how to swing on a... swing?
Thank you.
Seriously, her instructions can be completely ignored. Basically you just need to press the direction you want to swing - hold up to move forwards, hold down to swing backwards. Nothing too difficult as I'm sure you can imagine.
So let's get our swing on, bitches.
It takes me a couple of seconds to get going, but it's not long before I've gotten into the swing of it (don't worry, I've already slapped myself for saying that).
OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP SHOWING THAT SHOT, IT LOOKS AWFUL.
Oh, that doesn't sound good.
...great.
And sadly, because he did it to himself, we can't blame Simon for that. Bah!
Oh sure, focus on that and not the fact that the horrible squishing sound he made implies that he's - at the very least - horribly mutilated. That's... that's our Simon.
But yeah, kid owes me a fuckload of money. Someone check his will.
Anyway, we can now take the tire swing he was using, since it's broken away from the frame.
See?
Now, guess how we use it.
Go on, GUESS.
You will NOT believe the amount of physics we're about to defy here.
Seriously, it's almost insane how stupid this is.
Are you ready for this?
See, now if you thought he was just going to use that a rope to climb down, you'd have been smart.
You'd also have been very, very wrong.
These are not out of order. Simon is literally using the tire swing... that he tied to a bench which isn't itself attached to anything... AS A BUNGEE CORD.
"Yeah, No."
Also, loving the graphical glitch on Calypso.
OK, time for some exposition. In the almost-literal FIVE MINUTES I've been gone, Runt has managed to take everyone except Calypso back to Sordid's fortress.
Oh, and for added bonuses, not only is Simon's dialogue every bit as unfunny and punch-worthy as normal, but now he pauses every couple of words because he's bouncing up and down, making the sentences about 3 times longer as a result.
FUCK THIS GAME.
Anyway, we can now access Sordid's fortress via the overworld map. Woo.
What awaits us here?
A stealth section.
A fucking stealth section.
*sigh*
I'm gonna skim through this because it's a goddamn mother fucking stealth section and I'll be buggered if I spend any longer on it than I really need to.
Three things to point out here.
1) STICK TO THE SHADOWS. Obviously. Duh.
2) Your robes must be black to help you blend into the shadows (despite the fact the black robe also has bright white stars all over it).
3) At one point you'll pass by a small nook on the left you have to crouch to enter. You need to go in there and wait for a giant troll to walk past you.
In all honesty it's far from the worst stealth section I've ever played through, and the game is quite lenient - you can run as much as you want so long as you stay in the shadows. But even so, it's just the bloody principle of the thing, y'know?
Anyway. Once we're past that bit of time-wasting nonsense, we get to Sordid's fortress proper.
...or not. Bollocks. The bridge there doesn't even remotely reach it, and there's no other way across.
Balls.
Fortunately our trip here isn't a complete waste - we get to root through Sordid's mail.
See? (I don't quite know why he's showing us that letter, the texture quality's so shit I can barely make anything out).
If we look at the letter in our inventory, then we find out it's addressed to the greengrocers in Poliganis, demanding the "usual".
Odd how it never actually made it to the greengrocers, but since it's the only thing we've got, we might as well go deliver it.
And in typical postal service fashion, it's going to take us... ooooh, I dunno. 4 days?
(or until I post the next update, whichever comes first)
...Oh, wait. This game is so bad it probably doesn't even have an epic conclusion.
Also, that kid's face is going to haunt me for at least a week. It's pure nightmare fuel.
I've got to get to work shortly, so if the pictures haven't loaded properly when I get back, I'll reupload them this evening. Just a heads up.
Time for us to actually deliver that letter.
Here's the greengrocers, by the way. It's on the path that leads between the Inn and the 'magic square' with the Wizard School and stuff.
And yes, we couldn't do anything with it before this point, although to be fair we COULD interact with it. We just got a "It's locked... they must be closed", but still. Baby steps.
Anyway. Let's pop the letter into the mailbox.
Well that was easy.
Why is Simon blatantly listening in? He's standing in the middle of the street. Everyone can see him do it!
...oh wait. BECAUSE HE'S SIMON. Forgot that for a second.
Wait - what?
Oh, the UPPER window. I thought they meant... well, you can probably guess what I thought they meant.
I can't believe it either, but that's mostly because it's a really, really stupid thing to do. Although really, what else was I expecting him to do, grow his own?
But hey ho, now we have a box marked with Sordid's address-WAIT A MINUTE.
This game doesn't even remotely deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as Monkey Island, but they made me do it anyway. Those lazy motherfuckers!
OK, OK, fine. We can't just climb into this crate - we have to empty it first. So what's in there?
Ooo, what could it possibly be? Brussel Sprouts? Radishes? Not... NOT LIMA BEANS?
Oh.
...well, yeah, OK. I'll give it a pass.
We do still need to get rid of them though, and clearly Simon's not going to touch them. Oh no.
Yep, we're not done abusing kids. Not yet.
If you recall, we left the hedgehog kid in the cheese factory, where he ate an entire warehouse full of cheese in about 5 seconds while everyone's backs were turned.
No, I'm not making that up. The camera was off him for almost exactly 5 seconds.
*sigh*
Well, let's go get the little git.
And there he is (just to the left of Simon's head. It's the best shot I had of him, sorry).
So Simon's going around picking up kids now?
*slaps self*
But oh, you thought it'd be that simple?
Nope! They had to make this puzzle just that little bit more irritating. BECUASE OF COURSE THEY DID.
...if you can see where this is going, then feel free to join me in absolutely despising everyone involved in the creation of this game.
Every. Single. One.
Ugh.
I feel dirty.
Oh Mother of Zod, I think I might throw up now.
I think this is the single most disgusting thing I've ever had to do in a video game.
Seriously. I can't believe anyone thought this was an OK thing to do. It's... it's horrifying.
Just... just stop talking.
And so, having been whacked in the stomach, thrown up a bunch of partially digested cheese all over some caulliflowers and then eaten both (oh man, it sounds even worse when you describe it word for word), the hedgehog kid has wandered off, never to be seen again, leaving behind an empty box and about three weeks worth of nightmare fuel.
Let's... let's just get in the damn box and be done with this whole sodding chapter.
STOP MAKING THINGS WORSE YOU SON OF A BITCH!
Oh, so you've stolen from Monkey Island 2 twice now, have you? Fuck you AdventureSoft, you got everything you sodding deserved.
...
I...
...I think something just broke inside me.
I actually don't even recall where that sort of puzzle was used in the first Simon as I was probably more distracted by how blatantly it copied the three trials thing from Monkey Island 1, but that whole game is a blur to me. A blur of difficult-to-spot items and paths.
I didn't have many games back when I played the first Simon, so I remember parts of it very well. I don't remember much of the second game though, other than that it's not very funny. Oh, and unfortunately I remember the town fool vividly.
Time for a new chapter. Here's the new loading screen.
Woo.
(Actually, did I show the one for Chapter 5? Ah, who cares, it was rubbish anyway)
Right. So, when we last left Simon, he'd blatantly ripped off a puzzle from Monkey Island 2, even going so far as to flat-out SAY he'd ripped it off. Simply saying you've done something doesn't excuse the fact that you did it in the first place, people.
But hey, let's find out if it worked.
It did. Huzzah.
All right, let's have a look around then.
Oh THAT'S not an encouraging sign.
And in case you were wondering - no, you're not the only one getting a sense of Deja Vu, because this place seems rather similar to LeChuck's lair from MI2. A poor man's version of LeChuck's lair, anyway.
Anyway, let's move on.
Why has the camera suddenly cut to this thing? I have a bad feeling about this...
Waa! Flying blue light! RUN AWAY!
...actually, maybe I don't need to. I can do something colour-related, can't I?
Hmm. Let's see if this works.
Well it looks hideous, so if that's the effect we were going for, then bravo.
And neutralised! Huzzah! I guess the one colour-based thing I can do is actually useful for something! Woohoo!
Ugh! I actually think this one might be the very worst of the lot!
Yep, yellow was worst.
Incidentally, did I mention how tall this tower is?
BECAUSE IT'S REALLY, REALLY TALL.
Oh, finally.
Right. What's next?
Oh PLEASE tell me he's stroking a fluffy rectangular white cat. Then we'll have the trifecta of clichés.
Bah.
So yeah, that's the plan. Sordid plans to control the Nexus that runs the entire universe.
And apparently, he doesn't need the magical boots to do it.
Uh, no it isn't. I've got it in my (surprisingly roomy) robe.
But then again, that begs the question of why Runt isn't with his beloved master as he takes over the universe.
Well, that answers that then.
It's got seven differently coloured wires. I sense a repeat of what we've just done is coming up.
Oh look, it's the heroes who've done absolutely bloody nothing. Glad to see the time we spent gathering them all together was worthwhile.
And for the record, it's just Melissa and Coneman the Barabrain here. Jar Nin and Prince Charming/Valiant/Whatever are nowhere to be found, and indeed will never be seen again.
BYE!!!
Now- Oh, I'm sorry, you weren't finished. My apologies. Please Runt, continue.
I'll bet.
(Anyone getting flashbacks to the two levers in Conker's Bad Fur Day? No? OK, just me then)
And with that, the cutscene is (mercifully) over and we can now control Simon once again.
Problem is, Runt's done some magic that renders us unable to actually move anywhere. We can turn, but we can't move from this spot.
Now my first thought here was to use the Kite to hit the buttons that Runt mentioned a minute ago.
This, however, doesn't work.
...guess what does.
Yep, the peashooter we won from the carnival. Bet you'd forgotten we had that, didn't you.
Well hey, SO DID I.
In the grand scheme of things this picture is utterly irrelevant and I'm sorry to bring it up, but I HAVE to bring your attention to the picture on the left, seemingly right in the middle of Runt's chair.
First of all, we can only see that picture because of a graphical glitch that renders that section of the chair see-through, so I wanted to mention that.
Second, there's what's actually on the picture, and I know I shouldn't be thinking about this too hard, but I can't help it - it's just engraved on my mind.
When the hell did Sordid have time to pose for that picture in his new mechanical body?
...see, now YOU can't thinking about it either, can you. Mwa-ha-ha!
...whoops.
Actually, hitting this does nothing, so we'd better hit the other one.
OK, so Melissa and Coneman are released. They're both still unconscious though (despite Melissa's eyes being open!)
Now what.
Oh yeah, we had that old voodoo doll, didn't we. God, this really is an 'old inventory items you'd completely forgotten about' sort of puzzle, isn't it.
Again, I wouldn't normally feature this image, but the game had the most bizarre bug that I simply HAD to mention at this point.
The audio dialogue doesn't match the subtitles here.
Now if you recall, earlier on in the game there were a couple of instances where the audio files simply didn't play and all we had to go on were the subtitles.
This is similar, but instead of not playing the audio files, it just plays the wrong one.
So while the subtitles say "It's working!" and one or two other things, Simon's ACTUALLY saying the following.
(and I swear, I haven't made ANY of this up, these audio files actually do play):
"It may be some kind of aphrodisiac"
"I can't just set everything on fire, those days are... behind me now"
"No way, I'm saving this for the-" (the line's cut off here)
"I like the way you think. If she's drunk she'll never be able to resist my boyish good looks, but this is probably not the time"
"I'm not stabbing anybody else today"
"This thing is not a babe magnet... unlike me"
Not sure how ridiculous that sounds? Try this.
Anyway, we wake up Coneman, he stomps off and...
It's kinda hard to get across in still pictures, but he basically punches Runt across the room. Doing this disables the magic keeping us in one spot, so when we get control back, we'll actually be able to move again, huzzah.
But then...
Now that's just fowl play!
*slaps self*
Either a lot more people are reading this thread than I thought (which'd be nice), or Photobucket is lying, because I really don't believe I've used 10GBs of bandwidth this month. 10 GBs.
Anyway. If you're having trouble seeing any pictures, that'd probably be why.
And here I thought it was because the screenshots were destroying my eyes.
Anyone got any suggestions for alternative image hosting sites?
(Not looking forward to transferring the images across, guh)
I'd say just leave what's on Photobucket on Photobucket, and put the new pics on another service. That way, they won't interfere with each other's bandwidth. Fewer people should be looking at the older pictures by now.
Will get back into this tonight (or tomorrow morning for you Yanks), so expect an update then.
YAY! Looks like I chose the right weekend to get back on the net!
So Coneman'd been turned into a bird of some kind.
Sucks to be him, I guess.
Why, what are you gonna do - pull out a lightsaber or something? Pfft.
Oh, you worthless little gobshite. You really can't do ANYTHING, can you?
See? You see what you did? Now we've got to deal with HIM, of all people.
Go on then, let's see what happens.
I...
...I was joking!
...really, I was just kidding! You didn't have to actually DO IT!
GAAAAAAH!
...you're not.
...you ARE.
Fuck. You. All.
No, seriously. Was that supposed to be funny? 'cause it wasn't. Not even remotely.
This is what things have descended to, folks. A recycling of the "why won't the hose work?" gag, one of the oldest in physical comedy that has never, EVER, been funny.
Only now it's with lightsabers.
In a fantasy game.
...
I need to go and have a little cry in the corner somewhere. Bear with me a moment.
OK, OK, I'm good.
*sniff*
Yes, thank you for pointing out the 'OLD' part.
BECAUSE IT WAS.
Bit hard to tell, but that'd be the stupid, STUPID idiot fading away.
Oh wonderful. Now we've got to deal with this nonsense as well.
And he's flinging magic at us as well, how nice.
Nothing.
Yeah, remember that magic colour-based projectile puzzle we dealt with coming up the stairs?
...guess what we have to do again.
Yes, thanks for spelling it out, numbnuts. Like we couldn't figure it out on our own, with our brains.
Actually our brains are probably dribbling out of our ears at this point, so maybe a little handholding IS in order.
Funny, that.
Now do you see those buttons right behind Simon?
The ones that are all different colours?
Can you guess what we do with those?
Yep.
And we get to do this...
...seven...
...times...
...in...
...total.
Oh noes! I guess I'd better stop doing this:
...hadn't I?
Back in the red. Hey ho.
Odd how Runt has been kind enough to always shoot those bolts in the exact colours I need, isn't it?
I mean, if he REALLY wanted us to stop overloading the power, he could just keeping shooting us in the one colour so that we could only activate one of the seven crystals, but no, he goes through the entire spectrum of colours and just lets us do this.
Damned decent of him, really.
But enough of this analysing nonsense, let's just blow this sucker.
Well, that's spectacularly underwhelming.
...and I'm supposed to care how, exactly?
Well how in the hell does that work? And why do I care?
Oh, wait, I don't. Carry on then.
...you're waiting for it just as much as I am, aren't you.
Well go on then, don't keep us hanging around.
*slaps self*
Actually, have you guys ever HAD a Kinder Surprise?
Oh, they're gorgeous, they really are. That's milk chocolate on the outside and white chocolate on the inside, and it's some of the nicest stuff you'll ever find.
And as a bonus, you get a toy inside! They're in a plastic capsule that can be a little tricky to get open (and are practically impossible for younglings to open and swallow, phew) and they're usually pretty crappy, but whatever, it's fun finding out.
Unfortunately, this means that, thanks to the 1938 Federal Food, Drug and Cosmetic Act, which bans "the sale of any candy that has embedded in it a toy or trinket", they're not sold in the US, which is a huge shame.
The closest those in America could get was 'Choco Treasure', which wasn't made by the same company and had a specially designed capsule that separated the two halves of the egg, circumventing the 1938 Act by making it ludicrously obvious that there is something inside the egg.
They were sold in Easter 2013, and though I haven't tried one myself, I hear the chocolate's not bad. But it's probably not as nice as Kinder though.
...I'm sorry, where was I?
Oh, right.
I would like to point out that the bird remains in that EXACT position, not flapping its wings or anything, while Runt says this line.
Glitches? WHAT glitches?
(oh, and his reading of the line "Hehehehehehe" is absolutely dire. I will not be sad about what happens to him)
...and down he goes.
To his death.
Yup.
GOD you're stupid.
Absolutely nothing about his character, either from the second game or this one, suggested anything other than that he was an evil little git who was more than happy helping Sordid enact his plans, and every single time you meet him, he quite happily tried to torture and/or kill you and everyone you were with.
You, good sir, are a moron.
Oh, don't say THAT! Don't you know the universal law of bad comedy?
...IDIOT.
Yes. Let's all damn him, shall we?
Also, American chocolate is shite. I tried a fair few varieties when I was in New York and they're all revolting. Who the fuck likes Oreos?! They taste nastier than the leavings of a diarrhetic camel. Even Mars Bars don't taste right in America.
Um, anyway... the let's play. Out of interest how much further to you have to torture yourself play until you reach the end? I've got 2 more parts of my let's play to go (and I've started on the first of those). I was wondering if your let's play and my let's play might finish at the same sort of time.
And yes. American chocolate < English chocolate. Even Milka is mana from heaven compared to that crap.
But yeah, if you judge it by the stuff you can buy in a convenience store then you'll be sorely disappointed.
Are Kinder Surprises English? I thought they were German for some reason. I agree that they are awesome and I quite a lot of them when I was a kid. It's true that it was always a huge letdown to get one of the toys that didn't require any assembling.
Also it's not fair to compare hand crafted to mass produced chocolate. Hand crafted chocolate is great anywhere. European mass produced chocolate is by far the best there is. One of my favourite is a Norwegian one which contains nuts and raisins. Awesome stuff.
The U.S. mass market is based on "How do we make it cheaper, but still keep it good enough that people will buy it?" Which is why most of our mass-produced consumables taste like they do. There are still enough people willing to pay a little more for better stuff that there's better stuff available, but you won't find it in a convenience store.
Sorry, I didn't mean to imply that they're produced in England, just that you can buy them in England, along with many, many other delicious chocolate bars. Seriously, we're spoilt for choice here in the UK.
I don't doubt it but I do all my shopping in convenience stores or supermarkets so I'm pretty happy to be a UK resident on this occasion (there's something I don't say often because I mostly hate the UK).
Not all mass produced US chocolate is gross though. My area has one of the two major manufacturing facilities for DeMet's Candy Company, which makes DeMet's Turtles. Those are really good.
So, we just killed Runt and Coneman (bumping Simon's murder count up to 9 - forgot to mention that). What now?
Well, if you INSIST.
...
Y'know, it's all well and good having a murder count, but if I'd actually kept a douche count, we'd probably be in the hundereds by this point.
Absolutely no reason to include that shot. No idea why I did it, it's not like there's anything to actually see.
*whistles*
Hundereds and ONE.
Yeah, it was great. There was cake and everything. No lie!
*slaps self, resolves to stop making lame puns*
I'm sorry, why exactly did we need her again? Anyone?
As far as I can recall, the only thing the REAL Melissa Leg has done is sat around and let herself get captured, then do absolutely nothing to escape.
I say to hell with her.
...or into the Nexus with her, that's fine too.
I guess.
YOu'd think I'd be used to being let down by this game by now.
You'd be wrong.
Oh, well, at least SOMEONE'S having a good time.
DIDDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE!
Yes. We get the 'joke'. Thanks, Captain Obvious.
OK, so here we are at the Nexus.
Nothing here except a bunch of ruins and...
...that's actually a half-decent question.
I flat-out refuse to believe he asked it on purpose.
It's Swampy. It's... it's quite clearly him.
If you already knew what it was, THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU ASK MELISSA, YOU STUPID, INSIGNIFICANT LITTLE FUCKWIT?
Being the incredibly genre-savvy nerd that I am, I can tell you straight away that the big twist is Swampy's actually going to be part of an ancient mystical race formerly of unspeakable power but long since gone, all of which he is completely unaware of.
...
...I am unsure as to whether to be proud of this knowledge or not.
Oh, deep and abiding joy. I can't WAIT to see what this dufus has to say.
Is it going to be in any way useful?
OF COURSE IT FUCKING ISN'T.
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
You absolute fuckers! I don't want this asshole all the time! Especially if he's just going to make bad ghost-related puns all the time! FUCK YOU!
Called it.
Oh, you complete cockbite. I just...
No, no. I'm not going through it again. Fuck you, *claps hands*, I'm out.
So, we'd just entered 'The Nexus'. Lovely.
...what.
So you mean I brought you all the way over here just so you could stand around and do bugger all?
And yes, that's literally what she does.
Stands there.
And does nothing.
So there was absolutely ZERO POINT in bringing her along.
...
Actually, let me show you the most interesting thing about her.
See that middle box on the top right?
...yup.
...
Right. Let's move on and tackle that stupid Swampy head.
FUCK.
Do... do you guys remember that song? 'cause I don't!
...I might have lied to try and save face.
I regret nothing.
Well, the path's open now, so let's head inside.
Seriously? She's just going to stay there?
So Melissa is, and always has been, totally useless. That's... that's just fantastic.
Oh well - might as well forget about her entirely then.
Which is handy, since the game does exactly the same thing, so...
Anyway. Let's head into the mouth and through the gums, look out stomach, here we come.
(Anyone else remember that rhyme? No? God I'm old.)
Bit hard to see, but it's a giant purple people eater paths.
Naturally I run across it as fast as I can, but as soon as I pass that small building...
Oh hey Swampy.
Wait - WHAT?
(I know not who you are, strangely dressed person. But I am knowing that you cannot be crossing the bridge.)
(Bridge only for people leaving the Centre of Controls. No people may be crossing the bridge in the direction you was walking in.)
(And only walking allowed on bridge. No runninging or joggining or you will be evaporated!)
...and this leads to one of the most irritating minigames of the game (which is fitting, since it's technically the last one).
This one'll take a bit of explaining, so bear with me.
Basically, you need to WALK across the bridge, but whenever it looks like this not-Swampy is about to pop out and check what you're doing, you need to turn 180 degrees and walk back the way you just came, since that's the only way he'll let you go. When he pops back into his building, you turn round and continue walking across the bridge.
Sound simple? Nope! You can't stop moving at any point, or you have to start over. This is bad enough, but it also means you can't accidentally toucch the sides of the path, since that stops you dead and, yep, it's back to the start.
Also, the bridge is quite long, and walking is quite slow.
All of which means THIS IS TEDIOUS AS FUCK.
10 minutes of my life I'll never get back, I've finally managed to make my way across.
THANKS, GAME.
Ooo, what mysteries could lie at the end of the tunnel?
It's a computer.
The Nexus... is a fucking computer.
On the right is the body of Sordid.
See?
It's just lying there. Doing nothing. And not letting us interact with it at all.
See, if it were me, I'd be fucking around with its electronic innards right now, but hey ho, WHATEVER.
On the other side of the room...
Oh, we can dick around with SWAMPY? Joy of joys.
(Well, we can look at him. But that's about it. Thank god.)
Uh... yay?
Well, we can't actually do anything with him, so let's take a closer look at that computer, shall we?
Is he... is he actually tapping MY monitor?
Piss off, you little git.
And you! God, I'm surrounded by people who need to just. Go. Away.
Ah, I see you've turned into the exposition fairy.
Not to be confused with the Fairy Godmother, who's also vanished into the ether and will indeed never be seen again, and who deserves a nice big retroactive:
(Nope, not tired of that yet!)
And presumably we need to follow them?
Called it.
Just? JUST?
That was around 20 hours ago!
20 long, frustrating, wasted hours...
*cries*
Fine. Let's get it over with then.
Sadly, now that's he's just a spirit, I can't punch him for that.
...anyone got any holy water?
And so, we leap head first into the Nexus computer.
What will we find in there? Could it be a really crappy level based around computer circuitry? Or might the developers have some actual imagination?
Find out in the next- it's a crappy level based around circuitry. Unlike this game, I'm not a dick.
It would wipe out the universe though. Every single universe in existence, apparently.
Welcome to the Nexus computer!
It's a crappy level based around computer circuitry. See? Wasn't that worth getting excited for?
...if you said No, congratulations. You have a brain.
Lots of small, narrow paths here that do not mix well with the terrible movement controls.
Fun fact: I spent around 5 minutes running around trying to figure out where the bloody hell I was supposed to go because the level design here is so horribly awful and the camera actively hated me.
Fuck you, Adventuresoft.
Eventually I figured out (by reading a walkthrough - NO SHAME) that you're not actually supposed to go wandering through the Nexus.
You'd think so, but no.
Instead you have to TURN AROUND FROM YOUR STARTING POSITION.
FUCK YOU, ADVENTURESOFT!
Now. Guess which of these three pads you have to step on. Go on, guess.
...
...
...did you guess yet?
...no? OK, couple more seconds.
...
...
...
...how about now?
...yeah? Cool.
Now. If you said the left one...
OK. Hands up who said the one on the right?
Honestly. You people. Has Monty Python taught you nothing?
Yes, it was the middle one.
This takes us to another area of the Nexus, which is basically a straight path (albeit one full of very small sections you can easily get caught on) that leads to:
Oh for fuck's sake.
Can't be bothered with another guessing game - it's the left one this time.
Are we there yet?
Oh. Yes. Huzzah.
Quite why we couldn't have arrived here when we first entered the Nexus is partially explained later.
It's still stupid, mind, but it is explained.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, I needed that. Thank you, game.
Oops. Probably shouldn't have laughed so loud. Oh well, what's done is done.
We're near the end? OH THANK GOD.
1) You need Swampy's help? We're all boned.
2) Why is Sordid's soul in the shape of his robot body? Shouldn't it look more like this:
3) WHY THE FUCK AM I NITPICKING THIS SHIT?
Christ, for someone so genre-savvy, Simon can't half be an idiot sometimes.
And by sometimes, I mean ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Man, I'm going overboard with the silly images today, aren't I.
*shrugs*
Seriously - BONED.
That's our 'hero'! Always thinking about the greater good.
Please do. It's not like he doesn't deserve it. What was his kill count again?
A cage?
...well, it's a start.
I guess.
And so we approach the end. I'm sure it'll have a thrilling conclusion that'll neatly wrap up the plot (hah, "plot") and leave us happy and content, right? Right?
Thanks for the support and words of appreciation. It means a lot that I've managed to keep you guys entertained with all of this nonsense. At least some good came out of it!
I have been thinking about what to do next, actually. I've got a couple of ideas, but nothing solid yet. I'm gonna (try to) catch up with some other stuff first, then we'll see. Rest assured though, there will be more. Another sentence with a comma in it, totally required.