CLAPTRAP: Good news, minion! There's a new poker game available for you at the Fyrestone Bounty Boa-what do you mean that was all the money you had?!
CLAPTRAP: At least you lost this game for a noble cause...me!
CLAPTRAP: Your loss will forever be remembered as "the day that guy lost to Claptrap in a poker game", and that is just awesome! GLadOS: Correction: you mean AWFUL. Claptrap: In this situation, I'm 100% sure that both of those words are acceptable.
ASH: The important thing is that you tried, kiddo. You lost, sure, but hey, you tried.
ASH: Look, I've seen a lot of groovy things over my career of undead slaying. But your poker playing skills are almost certainly not groovy.
BROCK: You're lucky this isn't Tijuana Rules. You, uh...wouldn't like Tijuana Rules.
SAM: It could have been worse...not sure how, but it could have been!
SAM: That was the most depresssing loss since me and Max beat Leonard Steakcharmer. MAX: What are you talking about?! Him sobbing like a baby was hilarious! SAM: Hey, you're right. It WAS hilarious!
SAM: Well, it's time for you to Hit The Road™! (Sam smiles, long pause as everyone gives him weird looks) MAX: ...really, Sam? THAT was the best "you lost" insult you could come up with?!
GLadOS: I am giving you an F. Not just for "F"ailure, but for "F"inancially lacking.
GLadOS: You are the most useless test subject to ever be tested on. Congratulations: you have won the award that I've never ever given ever.
GLadOS: Thank you for participating in the Aperture Labs Card Game Intelligence Test. You are dead to me.
GLadOS: What will your parents think? Assuming they haven't left you already from hearing your embarrassing defeat.
GLadOS: If you begin to cry, I would like to collect your tears for a memento, as I am sure you'll never show your face in the Inventory again. Sometimes, I just like to reminisce.
Ash:So Sam that gun you got, how many deadites have you killed with it?
Sam:What are Deadites?
Brock:They are something like zombies, i seen it in a movie.
Sam:Well me and Max did fight zombies before...
Ash:Me, my boomstick, my chainsaw and this robot hand is all i need to kick zombie ass.
Claptrap:.....I could beat you minion.
Ash: (Turns chainsaw on) Bring it on....
(5 minutes later)
Ash & Claptrap walk back to the table.
GLaDOS: Scans show that the small robot got his ass kicked and almost damaged beyond repair...Needless to say i'm disappointed that Ash didn't finish the annoying thing.
Max:Can i be your new partner?
Brock: So, how does it feel to know that your old company closed? Sam: Well, at first I felt sad, since they helped me and Max to release our first game, but then I remember how they kicked us in the butt to make more Star Wars games and how many games we released since I arrived here. GLadOS: Less talking and more playing cards. I don't have any time to waste. Well, I do have time to waste, but I'd rather use it to pump neurotoxins into this place as I bake a cake. Claptrap: Ooh, cake! Can I have a slice?
Brock: Do you have any other weapons besides your chainsaw? Ash: Why yes I do. (Takes out shogun) This... is my boomstick! It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a match trigger. That's right... shop smart: shop S-Mart... You got that? Claptrap: Oooh… I bet you could find a better replacement at Marcus’s store.
Brock: I'll cut the deck (Takes out his knife)
Ash: (Losing a hand) Oh, this brings me back old memories...
Ash: Can I cut the deck this time? (Replaces hand with the chainsaw)
Claptrap: (Burst in flames after winning an All In) Oh yeah baby, I'm on fire!
Sam: (Takes out his gun) Mr Smith, Mr Wesson. Glad you could make it.
Ash: Sorry pal. Guess I got the best hand in this table. GLadOS: Was that an attempt at humor? Because that wasn't funny. In fact, it was so horrible it wiped out my hard drive. Luckily I have countless of backups in case of bad jokes.
Brock: Any of you tries to touch a single chip and I'll cut it off. And the hand too... Ash: Too late for that, buddy (Waving his fake hand)
Sam: I own a rabbit smarter than you. Brock: He must have taught you everything you know.
Claptrap: Anyone wanna play some bridge? I got a deck of cards in here. I'll even tell you what I have. I'm betting three nil, but you should probably bid 4 spades... (Everyone ignores him) Ah come on, play with me! GLadOS: Shut up, you fat orphan. Claptrap: Oh, sorry. I didn’t notice that I had gained some weight; and how kind of you to remind me that I don’t have any parents. GLadOS: (Whispering) This worked better with the moron and the mute…
Ash: (Character loses) I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the table. Character: Who the hell do you think you are? Ash: Name's Ash. (Cocks rifle) Housewares.
Ash: (Winning a hand) Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.
Sam: Oh, this feels more rewarding than that time we destroyed an old Aztec temple after fighting through an army of ninja pirate zombie monkeys who didn't want us to get away with their golden bananas.
Claptrap: I haven't seen so much money together in one place since that time I found two dimes inside a trashcan.
Brock: Oh yeah, with this pot I'll finally be able to stop working as a babysitter and pay someone else to work in my place, and then I'll get paid for his work.
Brock: So. Sawed off shotgun? You mod that baby any?
Ash: Modify? Nah, I don't need any frills. Give me two barrels and I'm good.
Sam: Does it have any elemental plus slots?
Claptrap: Haha!
CLAPTRAP SNATCHES THE BOOMSTICK AWAY.
Claptrap: Manufacturer: S Mart, Type: Combat Shotgun, Model: Ash's Boomstick, Element: Any ×1, Damage: 430 – 1550, Burst: 6, Accuracy: 0.0, Fire Rate: 5.2 – 7.5, Magazine Capacity: 2, Level Requirement: 15.
Ash: Stop that!
Brock: Level 15?
Claptrap: I suggest an upgrade by Jakobs.
When Poker Night 1 was in pre-release hype we had a thread of what we thought the dialogue was going to be. Let's do it again!
GLaDOS: {to the player} You refuse to fold even in the dawning realization of how doomed you are. You remind me of someone. She was fat so the comparison is not flattering.
Sam:(addressing Ash) You work in a convenience store? Ash: S-Mart is a department store. If you name it, we have it. Sam: Do you have any stilt walker costumes? Ash: No.
(Gameplay continues for a few minutes until . . . )
Sam: Do you have any temperature sensitive toy unicorns? Ash: No.
(Some more time passes . . . )
Sam: Do you have any incontinent sea snails? Ash: No.
(A bit later . . . )
Sam: Do you have demonic broth? Ash: No. Wait . . . Ash looks to the side contemplatively for a moment before finishing. Ash: I don't think so. There might be a recipe in the Book of the Dead, but it's really not worth the trouble.
(A few more plays are made . . . )
Sam:(smiling) Say, do you have any Bana- Ash, Brock and Claptrap: No! Sam looks disappointingly at the group and then sadly at the table while adjusting his tie.
Sam:(addressing Ash) You work in a convenience store? Ash: S-Mart is a department store. If you name it, we have it. Sam: Do you have any stilt walker costumes? Ash: No.
Sam: Do you have any top of the line twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington shotguns?
Ash: NO! ...oh wait.
(Player is idle) Sam: Are you alright, buddy? Ash: It's starting to scare me... Claptrap: MAKE IT STOP PLEASE! GLadOs: The brainwave scanners reveal that our guest is dead. (Player makes his/her move) GLadOs: My bad. It seems that our guest never a had a brain in the first place.
(Eliminating Ash) Ash: Well, it's been fun while it lasted. Now I will have to work at S-Mart for another hundred years to repay all the money I "borrowed".
(Eliminating Claptrap) Claptrap: Well, it's been certainly interesting. But the worst of all is that I will miss you greatly, my love, my muse, my... GLadOs: If you finish that sentence I'll open your casing, take out your hard drive and place it inside a toaster, then throw you in a bathtub, repair you and then throw you again.
(Eliminating Brock) Brock: Great, now I'll have to keep working as a babysitter for the rest of my life...
(Eliminating Sam) Sam: I'll have to break some legs to earn back all the money I lost today. Or maybe I could finish that case of a bomb planted under a speeding bus that can't run slower than 80 mph. GLadOs: In other news, a bus just exploded in the highway after attempting to jump a gap due to a bomb strapped that would have exploded if the bus didn't go faster than 80 mph. It's hilarious. Sam: Alright then, time to start working (Takes out a baseball bat and leaves)
(Busting out Sam)
Sam:Well looks like we're broke Max, time to go give fake parking tickets and abuse our freelance power to get money back.
Max:Freelance power, the best kind of power!
I loved porker night 1 and I can't wait for this game. as soon as it comes out I am going to buy it asap!!!! So Far TellTale has been making great games. I miss old adventure and side games like this. Thanks to TellTale I can enjoy adventure games again. Poker night is just a awesome poker game. I hope they add multiplayer!!!
Sam : Nuts, I don't have the money. Anyone mind if I bet my trusty gun?
Brock : Already have it.
Sam : Oh. Well what about my license to maim?
Claptrap : Got it!
Sam : Max's severed head?
Ash : Why exactly do YOU have that, bloodhound?
(Another idea for busting out Claptrap)
Claptrap:Well minions i know it will be hard seeing me go after we all became best friends during this......
Max:Oh Sam let me take him home!!!! I need a new target for shooting practice!
(Claptrap buying in with the mask)
Claptrap:Sorry minions it looks like i don't got the money....Maybe our beautiful host will lend me some money......
GLaDOS:You have a better chance of finding a brain inside yourself than me lending you money.
Max:Buy in with yourself! I could use a new shooting practice target!
Claptrap:How about i buy in with this? (Throws mask on the table)
Ash:Are you serious?
Claptrap:What
Sam:Well its a piece of paper
Claptrap:Well its a very nice piece of paper
GLaDOS:Fine whoever busts out this annoying excuse for a robot with some sort of brain gets the mask (and maybe use him for target practice)
SAM : Mr. Samson, I've been meaning to ask. What type of gun to you typically use when bashing a baddy?
BROCK : Guns are for the distancely challenged. I would rather do the job with righty and lefty here.
CLAPTRAP : How do you unlock those?
BROCK : Try danglying buck naked by your pinky toes while dodging a stampede of stray bullets for three days while your personal trainer goes out for a pack of cigarettes. That unlocked my potential.
SAM : Actually, I'd rather not try it.
ASH : So... No boomstick?
BROCK : If you wave that thing at me, I could give you a thorough prostate exam with your own mechanical finger. Seriously, when was the last time ANY of your guns did you ANY good?
ASH : Well, duh... I...
CLAPTRAP : Hmmmm...
SAM : Errr... I tried to use it to open Harry Moleman's pickle jar so Stinky could use the juices to power Mama Bosco's robotic liger.
BROCK : Uh-huh.
SAM : ...But the pickle jar was bullet proof.
BROCK : I could have opened that jar with my teeth.
SAM : Incidentally, I had to pluck Superball's teeth to use as a blade for Skunkape's broken space can-opener in order to open the jar.
ASH : A lot of that seems like a waste of time...
SAM : Well, we needed the robotic liger to play Brutus in Mr. Featherly's production of "The Tragedy of Julius Caesar" before Brady Culture's third cousin could steal the entire city's laundry.
BROCK : Good god, what do you do when you're not solving bizarre-o missions?!
SAM : Pay for damages, mostly.
IMPORTANT NOTE AS OF APRIL 16th 2013: I already preordered Poker Night 2, so I waive the grand prize. I'd still love to win best overall anyway. Now for the rest of the post.
---
There's free stuff at stake, and I see some of you have been putting up multiple posts whenever ideas come to you.
So, in the interest of having a fairer shake and also making things harder for judging entirely for my petty amusement, I'm throwing my own stuff down one more time before the deadline. No organizations for what category goes where, I'm freestyling it. Free stuff shall not elude my grasp yet!
I apologize if any of these seem similar to anything said prior, I haven't really had a look at the competition other than seeing how many times some people have posted.
---
Sam: So, Mr. Samson, I heard you used to do government work.
Brock: ...What are you getting at?
Sam: Have you ever considered freelance work?
Brock: I haven't.
Sam: Well, Max seemed pleased with the performance of--
Brock: Put a sock in it, Ol' Yeller.
---
(Phone rings.)
Sam: A call from the commissioner?
(Sam reaches offscreen for the phone, somehow.)
GLaDOS: The talking dog calls.
Sam: Yes? That's right.
(Pause.)
Sam: Jumping gelatin of a genericized brand name jeering at a judge in a jeep, I'll get on it after this game!
(Sam puts phone back.)
Sam: Anyway, I--
GLaDOS: You already called.
Sam: ...Well, that sounds about right by me.
(Sam puts in the chips.)
---
(Claptrap's turn to play.)
Claptrap: Hey, Ash, minion, lend me a hand here.
Ash: How about not?
Claptrap: No, I mean your help! This moment demands a one-liner!
Ash: What, you got good cards?
Claptrap: Irrelevant! Give me a one-liner for the entire table to remember me fondly by!
Ash: Oh-kaaaay, how's about... uh, something like, uh, I'm an... awesome... cool guy. Like that, sorta.
Claptrap: I'm an awesome cool guy!
(Claptrap pushes his cards forward, folding.)
Claptrap: Thanks, minion! That was perfect for the moment!
Ash: Yeah, any time, little guy.
---
GLaDOS: The stakes will now be your freedom, your life.
Sam: Could we have that in mathematical numbers, ma'am?
GLaDOS: Very well. The stakes are now 300, 600.
---
Brock: Ash, look, we need to talk.
Ash: Aw, what now, Brock?
Brock: It's not me, it's Dr. Orpheus--
Ash: Well, hell, necromancer, duh, Brock. It's not like--
Brock: Look, whatever it is between you two, I don't want anything to do with it, but for the love of God will you please stop trying to burn down his study? He keeps breathing down my neck every time he sees me come here.
Ash: Deadites, Brock, can't have 'em come eat us up.
Brock *Groan*
---
Claptrap: Minion! Smoking is hazardous to your health!
(Brock is silent.)
GLaDOS: Scientific fact. Your shrill, bleating noise that barely constitutes a voice has been proven to increase the risk of high blood pressure, dementia, and the odds of having no one to ever love you ever again.
(Beat.)
Claptrap: Sounds like he's got a long, happy life ahead of him!
---
Max: Hey, Sam.
Sam: What is it, little buddy?
Max: You know I always appreciate our time together, but I must wonder if both of us being here is part of some great fear by unseen orchestrators that you simply cannot stand on your own merits alone at a poker table, and thus require my lovely presence.
Sam: That was uncalled for.
Max: As President, I always believed in striking first, verbally or physically!
Brock: Don't remind me.
---
Sam: So, Mr. Williams, I'm also here on Freelance Police business.
Ash: Yeah, about what?
Sam: Would you happen to know anything about a book that had never been returned back to the local library in the depths of Hell?
Ash: No sir. None whatsoever.
Sam: Penned by pure evil?
Ash: Nope.
Sam: Summoning great evils, that sort of thing?
Ash: Nuh uh.
Sam: Simply the among the nastiest, foulest tome ever to grace human understandings of literature doesn't ring a bell?
Ash: All right already, I'll toss that copy of (INSERT CURRENT CULTURALLY DISLIKED PIECE OF LITERATURE HERE) into the fire after this. Sheesh.
Sam: Another case wrapped up.
---
Sam: Does the carpet match the drapes?
(variable answers)
Ash: Only at S-Mart, uh, if you like really dark red.
Brock: I don't swing that way.
Claptrap: The drapes are not as soaked with my tears of shame and loneliness!
GLaDOS: Aperture Science is at the forefront of interior decoration in testing sites. Your remaining molecules will be indistinguishable in color, appearance, and feel to the testing chamber structures.
(after all that)
Sam: Well, that didn't work.
(Sam folds.)
---
I think that's all I got. Keeping my fingers crossed!
(I didn't know what dialogue i came up with would go under but i know what this one should go under)
Group Chatter
Ash:So have you guys played Poker before?
Sam:Not really, Me & Max do play darts but after a dart or 5 darts thrown by Max blew out the window and hit Bosco then the darts were taken from us.
GLaDOS: I do not play Poker, i use extremely dangerous tests for enjoyment.
Claptrap:I hardly ever play minion! But after being offered to be part of this game by this cutie right here, how could i resist?
GLaDOS:Call me cutie again and i'll have you throw into spikes, rebuild you, throw you into the turret practice room and then throw you into space.
Brock:I was forced to play strip poker for my life, After the game i beat the bad guys and left.
Ash:How'd that work out for ya?
Brock:I twisted a metal chair around someone's face.
Divisionten, i'm wondering but how does this work anyway? You post the winners in the thread but is there a certain time when you let the winners pick their games? Anyway another idea......
(Sam tells)
He has a good hand:He tightens up his tie a little and has a slight smile
He has a bad hand:Sam looks slightly worried and taps his finger
He's bluffing:Sam will fix his hat a little.
I'm going to post 1-2 winner(s) per day, they will get to pick two games, and those will be removed from the prize bundle. The final day I'll announce the overall winner, who will get Poker Night 2.
Buying In
Brock sighs. "Damnit, the Doctor needed money for "medication" again... uh, how about this?" He stabs the knife into the table. "It's just a spare, but it's still worth quite a bit."
GLaDoS Moans. "How unfortunately dull. However, according to testing, a prize is something that really gets those to do terrible things to each-other." A hatch opens in the table and the boots rise up. "Try not to get them covered in too much blood."
Claptrap pats himself down. "Er... this is awkward! Hehe... uh, how one of these?" He tosses the mask onto the table. "A rarity on Pandora, I bet it'll make you the envy of every sociopath or serial killer you know!"
Ash rolls his eyes and tosses Evil Ash's head onto the table, much to the shock of the other players. "Here, I bet this is worth something to a museum or something."
----
I know I'm late, I just wanted to put some in. I honestly don't care about the prizes.
(Another idea for Sam buying in)
Sam:Well this is embarrassing but it seems my little buddy blew all our money on overpriced stuff at Bosco's
Brock:Then ether find a way for money or hit the road fido
Sam:No me & Max already had that adventure. As much as i hate this i'll have to buy in with my trusty old friend
Max:NO SAM NOT ME I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK TALKING TO THAT LITTLE WEIRD ROBOT IF HE WINS!
Sam:I meant my hat Max
GLaDOS:This is fine, the test subject who beats the dog gets this hat
Heavy offscreen:I WANT HAT.
GLaDOS: Here at The Inventory, we promise never to value your safety above the height of your chip stack.
*Sam recounts his pathetic amount of chips*
Sam: Ah, just the way I like it!
Ash: All right! Me t-... wait, huh?
So far I've gathered (other than PN2 for the Overall winner) Analogue A Hate Story Super Hexagon (2 copies) Breath of Death VII and Cthulhu Saves the World Sam and Max Season 3 Antichamber Jurassic Park Shank 2 Snapshot (2 copies) Superbrothers: Sword & Sworcery Solar 2 Beat Hazard Ultra Dungeon Defenders Gemini Rue Sanctum (and all DLC) Nimbus Virtex Dispenser Hard Reset
As it stands, each winner will get to pick two games. I might even add in another category.
So these are the currently avalible prizes.... now on to the categories!
Analogue A Hate Story Super Hexagon (2 copies) Breath of Death VII and Cthulhu Saves the World Sam and Max Season 3 Antichamber Jurassic Park Shank 2 Snapshot Superbrothers: Sword & Sworcery Solar 2 Beat Hazard Ultra Dungeon Defenders Gemini Rue Sanctum (and all DLC) Nimbus Virtex Dispenser Hard Reset
GLaDOS: I’d like to congratulate most of you on your body’s resilience to a room filled with slow-acting Neurotoxin.
I’d also like to commend another one of you for bravely continuing to spend their last three hours playing a card game.
Comments
Sam: I can't pick that up. No, seriously. I can't pick that up.
CLAPTRAP: Good news, minion! There's a new poker game available for you at the Fyrestone Bounty Boa-what do you mean that was all the money you had?!
CLAPTRAP: At least you lost this game for a noble cause...me!
CLAPTRAP: Your loss will forever be remembered as "the day that guy lost to Claptrap in a poker game", and that is just awesome!
GLadOS: Correction: you mean AWFUL.
Claptrap: In this situation, I'm 100% sure that both of those words are acceptable.
ASH: The important thing is that you tried, kiddo. You lost, sure, but hey, you tried.
ASH: Look, I've seen a lot of groovy things over my career of undead slaying. But your poker playing skills are almost certainly not groovy.
BROCK: You're lucky this isn't Tijuana Rules. You, uh...wouldn't like Tijuana Rules.
SAM: It could have been worse...not sure how, but it could have been!
SAM: That was the most depresssing loss since me and Max beat Leonard Steakcharmer.
MAX: What are you talking about?! Him sobbing like a baby was hilarious!
SAM: Hey, you're right. It WAS hilarious!
SAM: Well, it's time for you to Hit The Road™!
(Sam smiles, long pause as everyone gives him weird looks)
MAX: ...really, Sam? THAT was the best "you lost" insult you could come up with?!
GLadOS: I am giving you an F. Not just for "F"ailure, but for "F"inancially lacking.
GLadOS: You are the most useless test subject to ever be tested on. Congratulations: you have won the award that I've never ever given ever.
GLadOS: Thank you for participating in the Aperture Labs Card Game Intelligence Test. You are dead to me.
GLadOS: What will your parents think? Assuming they haven't left you already from hearing your embarrassing defeat.
GLadOS: If you begin to cry, I would like to collect your tears for a memento, as I am sure you'll never show your face in the Inventory again. Sometimes, I just like to reminisce.
Ash:So Sam that gun you got, how many deadites have you killed with it?
Sam:What are Deadites?
Brock:They are something like zombies, i seen it in a movie.
Sam:Well me and Max did fight zombies before...
Ash:Me, my boomstick, my chainsaw and this robot hand is all i need to kick zombie ass.
Claptrap:.....I could beat you minion.
Ash: (Turns chainsaw on) Bring it on....
(5 minutes later)
Ash & Claptrap walk back to the table.
GLaDOS: Scans show that the small robot got his ass kicked and almost damaged beyond repair...Needless to say i'm disappointed that Ash didn't finish the annoying thing.
Max:Can i be your new partner?
Brock: These cards are the worst thing I've seen since Space Chimps 2. (Patrick Warburton played Titan)
Heavy (offscreen): Sandvich? Vere?
Blu Spy:Right behind you (meaning he's about to attack)
(Heavy punches him)
Sam: Well, at first I felt sad, since they helped me and Max to release our first game, but then I remember how they kicked us in the butt to make more Star Wars games and how many games we released since I arrived here.
GLadOS: Less talking and more playing cards. I don't have any time to waste. Well, I do have time to waste, but I'd rather use it to pump neurotoxins into this place as I bake a cake.
Claptrap: Ooh, cake! Can I have a slice?
Brock: Do you have any other weapons besides your chainsaw?
Ash: Why yes I do. (Takes out shogun) This... is my boomstick! It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a match trigger. That's right... shop smart: shop S-Mart... You got that?
Claptrap: Oooh… I bet you could find a better replacement at Marcus’s store.
Brock: I'll cut the deck (Takes out his knife)
Ash: (Losing a hand) Oh, this brings me back old memories...
Ash: Can I cut the deck this time? (Replaces hand with the chainsaw)
Claptrap: (Burst in flames after winning an All In) Oh yeah baby, I'm on fire!
Sam: (Takes out his gun) Mr Smith, Mr Wesson. Glad you could make it.
Ash: Sorry pal. Guess I got the best hand in this table.
GLadOS: Was that an attempt at humor? Because that wasn't funny. In fact, it was so horrible it wiped out my hard drive. Luckily I have countless of backups in case of bad jokes.
Brock: Any of you tries to touch a single chip and I'll cut it off. And the hand too...
Ash: Too late for that, buddy (Waving his fake hand)
Sam: I own a rabbit smarter than you.
Brock: He must have taught you everything you know.
Claptrap: Anyone wanna play some bridge? I got a deck of cards in here. I'll even tell you what I have. I'm betting three nil, but you should probably bid 4 spades... (Everyone ignores him) Ah come on, play with me!
GLadOS: Shut up, you fat orphan.
Claptrap: Oh, sorry. I didn’t notice that I had gained some weight; and how kind of you to remind me that I don’t have any parents.
GLadOS: (Whispering) This worked better with the moron and the mute…
Ash: (Character loses) I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the table.
Character: Who the hell do you think you are?
Ash: Name's Ash. (Cocks rifle) Housewares.
Ash: (Winning a hand) Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun.
Sam: Oh, this feels more rewarding than that time we destroyed an old Aztec temple after fighting through an army of ninja pirate zombie monkeys who didn't want us to get away with their golden bananas.
Claptrap: I haven't seen so much money together in one place since that time I found two dimes inside a trashcan.
Brock: Oh yeah, with this pot I'll finally be able to stop working as a babysitter and pay someone else to work in my place, and then I'll get paid for his work.
Ash: Modify? Nah, I don't need any frills. Give me two barrels and I'm good.
Sam: Does it have any elemental plus slots?
Claptrap: Haha!
CLAPTRAP SNATCHES THE BOOMSTICK AWAY.
Claptrap: Manufacturer: S Mart, Type: Combat Shotgun, Model: Ash's Boomstick, Element: Any ×1, Damage: 430 – 1550, Burst: 6, Accuracy: 0.0, Fire Rate: 5.2 – 7.5, Magazine Capacity: 2, Level Requirement: 15.
Ash: Stop that!
Brock: Level 15?
Claptrap: I suggest an upgrade by Jakobs.
GLaDOS: {to the player} You refuse to fold even in the dawning realization of how doomed you are. You remind me of someone. She was fat so the comparison is not flattering.
Ash: S-Mart is a department store. If you name it, we have it.
Sam: Do you have any stilt walker costumes?
Ash: No.
(Gameplay continues for a few minutes until . . . )
Sam: Do you have any temperature sensitive toy unicorns?
Ash: No.
(Some more time passes . . . )
Sam: Do you have any incontinent sea snails?
Ash: No.
(A bit later . . . )
Sam: Do you have demonic broth?
Ash: No. Wait . . .
Ash looks to the side contemplatively for a moment before finishing.
Ash: I don't think so. There might be a recipe in the Book of the Dead, but it's really not worth the trouble.
(A few more plays are made . . . )
Sam: (smiling) Say, do you have any Bana-
Ash, Brock and Claptrap: No!
Sam looks disappointingly at the group and then sadly at the table while adjusting his tie.
Sam: Do you have any top of the line twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington shotguns?
Ash: NO! ...oh wait.
Sam: Are you alright, buddy?
Ash: It's starting to scare me...
Claptrap: MAKE IT STOP PLEASE!
GLadOs: The brainwave scanners reveal that our guest is dead.
(Player makes his/her move)
GLadOs: My bad. It seems that our guest never a had a brain in the first place.
(Eliminating Ash)
Ash: Well, it's been fun while it lasted. Now I will have to work at S-Mart for another hundred years to repay all the money I "borrowed".
(Eliminating Claptrap)
Claptrap: Well, it's been certainly interesting. But the worst of all is that I will miss you greatly, my love, my muse, my...
GLadOs: If you finish that sentence I'll open your casing, take out your hard drive and place it inside a toaster, then throw you in a bathtub, repair you and then throw you again.
(Eliminating Brock)
Brock: Great, now I'll have to keep working as a babysitter for the rest of my life...
(Eliminating Sam)
Sam: I'll have to break some legs to earn back all the money I lost today. Or maybe I could finish that case of a bomb planted under a speeding bus that can't run slower than 80 mph.
GLadOs: In other news, a bus just exploded in the highway after attempting to jump a gap due to a bomb strapped that would have exploded if the bus didn't go faster than 80 mph. It's hilarious.
Sam: Alright then, time to start working (Takes out a baseball bat and leaves)
Sam:Well looks like we're broke Max, time to go give fake parking tickets and abuse our freelance power to get money back.
Max:Freelance power, the best kind of power!
Brock : Already have it.
Sam : Oh. Well what about my license to maim?
Claptrap : Got it!
Sam : Max's severed head?
Ash : Why exactly do YOU have that, bloodhound?
Claptrap:Well minions i know it will be hard seeing me go after we all became best friends during this......
Max:Oh Sam let me take him home!!!! I need a new target for shooting practice!
(Claptrap buying in with the mask)
Claptrap:Sorry minions it looks like i don't got the money....Maybe our beautiful host will lend me some money......
GLaDOS:You have a better chance of finding a brain inside yourself than me lending you money.
Max:Buy in with yourself! I could use a new shooting practice target!
Claptrap:How about i buy in with this? (Throws mask on the table)
Ash:Are you serious?
Claptrap:What
Sam:Well its a piece of paper
Claptrap:Well its a very nice piece of paper
GLaDOS:Fine whoever busts out this annoying excuse for a robot with some sort of brain gets the mask (and maybe use him for target practice)
BROCK : Guns are for the distancely challenged. I would rather do the job with righty and lefty here.
CLAPTRAP : How do you unlock those?
BROCK : Try danglying buck naked by your pinky toes while dodging a stampede of stray bullets for three days while your personal trainer goes out for a pack of cigarettes. That unlocked my potential.
SAM : Actually, I'd rather not try it.
ASH : So... No boomstick?
BROCK : If you wave that thing at me, I could give you a thorough prostate exam with your own mechanical finger. Seriously, when was the last time ANY of your guns did you ANY good?
ASH : Well, duh... I...
CLAPTRAP : Hmmmm...
SAM : Errr... I tried to use it to open Harry Moleman's pickle jar so Stinky could use the juices to power Mama Bosco's robotic liger.
BROCK : Uh-huh.
SAM : ...But the pickle jar was bullet proof.
BROCK : I could have opened that jar with my teeth.
SAM : Incidentally, I had to pluck Superball's teeth to use as a blade for Skunkape's broken space can-opener in order to open the jar.
ASH : A lot of that seems like a waste of time...
SAM : Well, we needed the robotic liger to play Brutus in Mr. Featherly's production of "The Tragedy of Julius Caesar" before Brady Culture's third cousin could steal the entire city's laundry.
BROCK : Good god, what do you do when you're not solving bizarre-o missions?!
SAM : Pay for damages, mostly.
---
There's free stuff at stake, and I see some of you have been putting up multiple posts whenever ideas come to you.
So, in the interest of having a fairer shake and also making things harder for judging entirely for my petty amusement, I'm throwing my own stuff down one more time before the deadline. No organizations for what category goes where, I'm freestyling it. Free stuff shall not elude my grasp yet!
I apologize if any of these seem similar to anything said prior, I haven't really had a look at the competition other than seeing how many times some people have posted.
---
Sam: So, Mr. Samson, I heard you used to do government work.
Brock: ...What are you getting at?
Sam: Have you ever considered freelance work?
Brock: I haven't.
Sam: Well, Max seemed pleased with the performance of--
Brock: Put a sock in it, Ol' Yeller.
---
(Phone rings.)
Sam: A call from the commissioner?
(Sam reaches offscreen for the phone, somehow.)
GLaDOS: The talking dog calls.
Sam: Yes? That's right.
(Pause.)
Sam: Jumping gelatin of a genericized brand name jeering at a judge in a jeep, I'll get on it after this game!
(Sam puts phone back.)
Sam: Anyway, I--
GLaDOS: You already called.
Sam: ...Well, that sounds about right by me.
(Sam puts in the chips.)
---
(Claptrap's turn to play.)
Claptrap: Hey, Ash, minion, lend me a hand here.
Ash: How about not?
Claptrap: No, I mean your help! This moment demands a one-liner!
Ash: What, you got good cards?
Claptrap: Irrelevant! Give me a one-liner for the entire table to remember me fondly by!
Ash: Oh-kaaaay, how's about... uh, something like, uh, I'm an... awesome... cool guy. Like that, sorta.
Claptrap: I'm an awesome cool guy!
(Claptrap pushes his cards forward, folding.)
Claptrap: Thanks, minion! That was perfect for the moment!
Ash: Yeah, any time, little guy.
---
GLaDOS: The stakes will now be your freedom, your life.
Sam: Could we have that in mathematical numbers, ma'am?
GLaDOS: Very well. The stakes are now 300, 600.
---
Brock: Ash, look, we need to talk.
Ash: Aw, what now, Brock?
Brock: It's not me, it's Dr. Orpheus--
Ash: Well, hell, necromancer, duh, Brock. It's not like--
Brock: Look, whatever it is between you two, I don't want anything to do with it, but for the love of God will you please stop trying to burn down his study? He keeps breathing down my neck every time he sees me come here.
Ash: Deadites, Brock, can't have 'em come eat us up.
Brock *Groan*
---
Claptrap: Minion! Smoking is hazardous to your health!
(Brock is silent.)
GLaDOS: Scientific fact. Your shrill, bleating noise that barely constitutes a voice has been proven to increase the risk of high blood pressure, dementia, and the odds of having no one to ever love you ever again.
(Beat.)
Claptrap: Sounds like he's got a long, happy life ahead of him!
---
Max: Hey, Sam.
Sam: What is it, little buddy?
Max: You know I always appreciate our time together, but I must wonder if both of us being here is part of some great fear by unseen orchestrators that you simply cannot stand on your own merits alone at a poker table, and thus require my lovely presence.
Sam: That was uncalled for.
Max: As President, I always believed in striking first, verbally or physically!
Brock: Don't remind me.
---
Sam: So, Mr. Williams, I'm also here on Freelance Police business.
Ash: Yeah, about what?
Sam: Would you happen to know anything about a book that had never been returned back to the local library in the depths of Hell?
Ash: No sir. None whatsoever.
Sam: Penned by pure evil?
Ash: Nope.
Sam: Summoning great evils, that sort of thing?
Ash: Nuh uh.
Sam: Simply the among the nastiest, foulest tome ever to grace human understandings of literature doesn't ring a bell?
Ash: All right already, I'll toss that copy of (INSERT CURRENT CULTURALLY DISLIKED PIECE OF LITERATURE HERE) into the fire after this. Sheesh.
Sam: Another case wrapped up.
---
Sam: Does the carpet match the drapes?
(variable answers)
Ash: Only at S-Mart, uh, if you like really dark red.
Brock: I don't swing that way.
Claptrap: The drapes are not as soaked with my tears of shame and loneliness!
GLaDOS: Aperture Science is at the forefront of interior decoration in testing sites. Your remaining molecules will be indistinguishable in color, appearance, and feel to the testing chamber structures.
(after all that)
Sam: Well, that didn't work.
(Sam folds.)
---
I think that's all I got. Keeping my fingers crossed!
Group Chatter
Ash:So have you guys played Poker before?
Sam:Not really, Me & Max do play darts but after a dart or 5 darts thrown by Max blew out the window and hit Bosco then the darts were taken from us.
GLaDOS: I do not play Poker, i use extremely dangerous tests for enjoyment.
Claptrap:I hardly ever play minion! But after being offered to be part of this game by this cutie right here, how could i resist?
GLaDOS:Call me cutie again and i'll have you throw into spikes, rebuild you, throw you into the turret practice room and then throw you into space.
Brock:I was forced to play strip poker for my life, After the game i beat the bad guys and left.
Ash:How'd that work out for ya?
Brock:I twisted a metal chair around someone's face.
(Sam tells)
He has a good hand:He tightens up his tie a little and has a slight smile
He has a bad hand:Sam looks slightly worried and taps his finger
He's bluffing:Sam will fix his hat a little.
Brock sighs. "Damnit, the Doctor needed money for "medication" again... uh, how about this?" He stabs the knife into the table. "It's just a spare, but it's still worth quite a bit."
GLaDoS Moans. "How unfortunately dull. However, according to testing, a prize is something that really gets those to do terrible things to each-other." A hatch opens in the table and the boots rise up. "Try not to get them covered in too much blood."
Claptrap pats himself down. "Er... this is awkward! Hehe... uh, how one of these?" He tosses the mask onto the table. "A rarity on Pandora, I bet it'll make you the envy of every sociopath or serial killer you know!"
Ash rolls his eyes and tosses Evil Ash's head onto the table, much to the shock of the other players. "Here, I bet this is worth something to a museum or something."
----
I know I'm late, I just wanted to put some in. I honestly don't care about the prizes.
Sam:Well this is embarrassing but it seems my little buddy blew all our money on overpriced stuff at Bosco's
Brock:Then ether find a way for money or hit the road fido
Sam:No me & Max already had that adventure. As much as i hate this i'll have to buy in with my trusty old friend
Max:NO SAM NOT ME I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK TALKING TO THAT LITTLE WEIRD ROBOT IF HE WINS!
Sam:I meant my hat Max
GLaDOS:This is fine, the test subject who beats the dog gets this hat
Heavy offscreen:I WANT HAT.
*Sam recounts his pathetic amount of chips*
Sam: Ah, just the way I like it!
Ash: All right! Me t-... wait, huh?
Oh wait, I'm a bit late to the party.
Ash: Ash. Housewares.
Brock: Samson. OSI.
Sam: Sam. Non-sequitor.
So these are the currently avalible prizes.... now on to the categories!
Since there was SUCH a clear winner for
BEST (WORST?) PICK UP LINE/DIALOGUE
I'm doing this first.
Winner is....
for taking the theme to unexpected places! Go cfh! Pick two games and I'll send you instructions on how to receive them!
Next category winner will be revealed in about 8 hours.
Edit: Breath of Death and Cthulu count as a single game; they're only sold as a pack on steam now.
Thanks, man! Okay, mmmm. I guess I'll pick...
Antichamber
Snapshot
I'm maritzac in Steam
:does a little dance:
:makes a little love:
Congrats, crfh.
The next winner may pick from the above.
The next category to win a prize is
BEST THREAT/TAUNT
Straight from the mouth of the passive-agressive GLaDOS, we have:
Here, i'll add this dancing Guybrush for ya
:guybrush: :winslow:
Still keeping my fingers crossed.