The Adventures of Sammy Coolsome in Happy-Clappy Town (the greatest story ever told)
The Adventures of Sammy Coolsome in Happy-Clappy Town
Part One - The Beacon of Hope
It was a morning like any other for Samual D Coalslum; awaking from his slumber to be greeted by the faint sound of the endless English rain pitter-pattering down his bedroom window and the continual mechanical whirring of the early birds' vehicles, as they drove their daily commute to a series of dead end jobs.
Samual dragged his tired body from his bed, stretched his aching bones and sighed. This would be yet another day of a meaningless existence upon this ravaged planet. A day of tedious routine and tiresome interactions with the fellow husks of humanity that awaited him on the other side of his front door, out there in the "real world". At least that's the day that Samual had expected and resigned himself to. However, what Samual didn't realise is that today would be the day that would forever change not only himself but also the very future of humanity.
Samual certainly did start his day with the usual routine; he got dressed in his jeans and official WWE shirt, sat down and ate his cheerios (all too aware of the irony considering his deep depression), grabbed his house keys attached to his official Randy Savage key-chain and headed on out of the door and on to his mundane job.
For 12 long years now, Samual had worked down at the local coal mine. When Thatcher had put the miners of England out of work, she neglected to shut down the mine located within Samual's hometown of Solemnshire. This had come of little surprise to Samual. After-all, Solemnshire was the sort of place that existed within it's own bubble. Nobody outside of town would ever come to visit and no-one in town would ever leave for pastures new.
The money that Samual made from his hard work down in the mines was not enough to adequately live off by itself and so he had taken to making the most of the mucky soot that adorned his face after every shift by working part-time as a black and white minstrel at the local pub, 'The King's Beacon'. He had initially been wary of attempting to perform such a controversial act in public but soon came to realise that there was no need for such concern; there were only ever two patrons at the pub and one of them was a dog! The other was a strange old man named Winston, who had always taken kindly to Samual and his dubious act by tossing a couple of pounds his way every evening.
And so it was that Samual chipped away at rocks for 10 hours that day and then headed on down to the pub to wave his jazz hands around whilst dreaming of a better life; the life of a pro-wrestler! Samual had always dreamt about a life less ordinary ever since he could remember. The television signal in Solemnshire was weak at best and the only channel that Samual had ever been able to receive on his old black and white set was an extreme sports channel that primarily covered wrestling.
Every night, Samual's dream was exactly the same as the night before; the tight spandex pulled firmly over his athletic buttocks, the crowd cheering him on as he body slammed yet another unworthy challenger to his unbeatable belt of pure awesomeness. However, in unison; every morning Samual's snap back to harsh reality was exactly the same as the morning before.
However, when Samual arrived at the local pub that day and began to slip on his white gloves in preparation of a 'A Good Ole Mammy Song', Winston approached, held his wrinkled old hand out and pulled the gloves away from Samual. The husky sounding words "My dear boy, no longer must you toil down the mines or play the fool" emerged from Winston's mouth, which was hidden somewhere deep within his long, grey, dirty beard. "For you see, today is the day that you will learn of your destiny and your one true name; Sammy "Dangerous" Coolsome".
To be continued...
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Comments
I MUST HAVE MORE.
(Just joking
In 3436 parts no less.
And you shall, until you choke on it, vomit it back up and then eat the vomit that you had previously chucked up!
Joking you may be but this is a tale of a serious tone, Sir. For this is the tale of the one known as 'Coolsome'. Bow down to your maser, Sir. Bow down.
I'm like sunshine in a bottle. Enlightening but highly cancerous.