Joke Thread
On these forums, we’re all comedians, so I figured we could have a thread where we share jokes.
I’ll start.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says, “What’s that there for?” The pirate says, “Arr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!"
I’ll start.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel down the front of his pants. The bartender says, “What’s that there for?” The pirate says, “Arr, it’s drivin’ me nuts!"
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Comments
"Ow!"
...Buh dum tish!
Thank you very much, I'll be here... forever.
Wow..just...no. That has most probably caused millions of people pain...
...Stomach pain. That was hilarious, possibly funnier than it should have been
He is later escorted from the premises.
Three vampires walk into a bar. One vampire orders a pint of blood, the second orders three shot glasses of blood, and the third orders a cup of hot water. The first downs his whole pint, and the second drinks each individual glass. They both look at the third vampire and ask, “Why did you order hot water?
Blonde: Could I have one gallon of vanilla, one gallon of strawberry, and one gallon of chocolate.
Ice Cream guy: Sorry, we’re out of vanilla.
Blonde: Well, then could I have one pint of vanilla, one pint of strawberry, and one pint of chocolate?
Ice Cream guy: I just told you there isn’t any chocolate left.
Blonde: Well, I’ll one scoop of vanilla, one scoop of strawberry, and one scoop of chocolate.
Ice Cream guy: Ugh. Look, do you know how to spell the VAN in vanilla?
Blonde: Yeah. V-A-N.
Ice Cream guy: Can you spell the STRAW in strawberry?
Blonde: Certainly. S-T-R-A-W.
Ice Cream guy: Good. Now, can you spell the FUCK in chocolate?
Blonde. There is no fuck in chocolate.
Ice Cream guy: THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING, BITCH!
"God, these stairs seem to go forever!", says the first man.
"Don't worry..." ,says the second man, "...I see the elevator coming"
Boom boom.
This is a flagrant ripoff of my joke from earlier.
Lemme try another one:
Why do blondes drive BMWs? It's the only car they can spell.
A muted trumpet falls off a cliff
Wah waaaaaaaaah
A man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."
So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie popped out!
"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
"The genie said, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.
"The genie boomed, 'You have one wish remaining.'"
The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head."
Also, I don't get Chyron's joke. Should I feel bad?
A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a 2 foot salami under the other. Blonde says to barman "I got these for my husband". Barman looks at the stuff and says "Good trade".
'are you ok ?'
the blonde says nothing
the barman calls the police...
mean while the other patrons are wondering whats going on..
a two officers arrive.
they put a blanket over her and as they try to lead her out of the pub to take her to hospital... she falls on the floor and die's...
the salami starts to make a rumbling noise,,, the poodle jumps off the table and runs outside... the salami is actually a bomb and it blows up...
the dog stops afew blocks away panting... a man in a dark hood picks him up and pets him 'saying well done fluffy'
the end.
police are reporting an office was broken into where the only thing stolen was the white out/tippex supply.... the investigating officers hope they make no mistakes in their search for the culprits
"Ah, thank you for releasing me, my friends! Some jerk stuffed me in there for a laugh."
The two men look at each other in bafflement before asking the genie if he's legit.
"Indeed. unfortunately, because this is not my lamp, I can only grant you one wish."
In a heartbeat, one of the men shouts "I wish the ocean was beer!" and with a click of his fingers, the genie makes it so. The boat is now floating in an ocean consisting entirely of beer.
As the man looks at it with eager eyes, the other man smacks him across the back of the head.
"You idiot!" he yells. "Now we'll have to piss in the boat!"
Two. The question is, how do you get them in there?
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree."
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''
it doesn't matter because he can't hear you...
what do you call a blind deaf and mute and legless stag ?
again it doesn't matter cos he can't see, hear or even come to you..
the man sits down with his own dinner and starts to watch a football game..
the dog upon finishing his meal. walks in the room where the man sits lays down in front of the tv and the dog licks his balls.. the man shouts : for gods sake 'riley' y u do dis every time...
riley looks at him with a mournfull look and says: cos my balls taste alot better than that shit you make me eat..
A guy on holiday in Amsterdam decides to visit a brothel. When he gets there, he asks for the cheapest woman available, and is shown into a room where a woman is already lying on a bed. Eager to begin, the man undresses and clambers on top, doing the deed. With every stroke in however, the woman spits into his face.
After a few strokes, the man's had enough of this and storms out to complain. "Hey! That woman's spitting at me!"
The guy behind the counter sighs and turns to a couple of guys playing cards. "You heard the man - go empty the corpse."
what do you call pedo bear after a threesome ?
pedihatrickbear
apologies if that's across the line
A man is meeting with his lawyer to deal with divorce papers.
"So," the lawyer says, "it says here that she's filing for divorce after you threw a trifle at her".
The man shrugs. "Yep. And now she's claiming custard-y."