in a construction site a man suddenly looses his ear... panic ensues after an hour someone brings an ear to him :i found it ! lets get you off to hospital
the man looks at the ear and says : nope throw it away it ain't mine..
the excited finder looks confused : why do you think that ?
the mine smiles and says : cos mine had a pencil in it..
I'm talking about Joke thread and I have no idea what the **** is wrong with you with all of this kind of none-funny jokes, Do you now anything about being funny or what?
Today I'm gonna teach you how to be a funny person and how to tell Jokes
Just read one of my jokes and you'll never even dare to tell any joke
---
One day a poor man with a scrap car accidentally hit a very expensive car from the back. Then he began to begs towards the owner of expensive car and said he has no money to pay for the damages, after a lot of begs the owner of expensive car accepted his request and continued his way. In the next Intersection the poor man hit the expensive car from back again and he pulled his head out of window and said! Go Go it's me!
---
I'm talking about Joke thread and I have no idea what the **** is wrong with you with all of this kind of none-funny jokes, Do you now anything about being funny or what?
Today I'm gonna teach you how to be a funny person and how to tell Jokes
Just read one of my jokes and you'll never even dare to tell any joke
---
One day a poor man with a scrap car accidentally hit a very expensive car from the back. Then he began to begs towards the owner of expensive car and said he has no money to pay for the damages, after a lot of begs the owner of expensive car accepted his request and continued his way. In the next Intersection the poor man hit the expensive car from back again and he pulled his head out of window and said! Go Go it's me!
---
Dont talk garbage about other peoples jokes when theirs are funnier then yours IMO
Dont talk garbage about other peoples jokes when theirs are funnier then yours IMO
What the fuck? ju ju jus just just what the fuck? Do you have any fucking idea who the hell I am? I'm the best English speaker the world ever faced! so yeah shut the hell off or something bad goes to happen
So a guy is out playing golf and he's not doing fantastically. He comes up to the 8th hole and is unsure about which club to use when he hears a voice coming from the nearby water hazard.
*RIBBIT* "6 Iron" *RIBBIT*
The man's understandably perplexed, but thinks 'what the hell' and grabs his 6 Iron. The resulting shot is an absolute blinder and lands the ball within meters of the hole.
Blown away by this, the man decides to track down the source of the voice and finds, nestled next to the water, a frog. Reasoning that it must have been the source of the voice, the man decides to take it with him and after chipping the ball into the hole he moves on to the next hole. As soon as he approaches the tee, the frog speaks up again.
*RIBBIT* "Three wood" *RIBBIT*
So the man tries a three wood and BAM! Hole in one! The man can't believe his luck. And so, taking the frog with him, the man proceeds to have the best round of golf in his entire life.
After celebrating his victory, the man decides, just for the hell of it, to take the frog to a nearby casino and see what happens. As they get to the roulette table, the frog pipes up once again.
*RIBBIT* "Black 6" *RIBBIT*
Figuring he's got nothing to lose, the man puts every penny he has - around $5,000 - onto Black 6. And sure enough, the ball lands directly onto that same slot. Almost instantly, he's rich.
He goes for one more spin and again, the frog tells him the winning spin. By now he's won well over a million dollars, and he decides to call it a night, booking the most expensive room in the hotel.
Settling down and getting ready to sleep, he looks over at the forg.
"This is like a dream come true! I don't know how I can ever thank you for all of this!"
*RIBBIT* "Kiss me" *RIBBIT*
The man shrugs - why the hell not, after all it's done? - and promptly leans over and kisses the frog. In a puff of smoke, the frog magically transforms into a drop-dead gorgeous and completely naked 15 year old girl.
And that, your honour, is how she ended up in my hotel room.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
You wouldn't believe how many times I've seen that one on the walls of various restrooms at the university I studied at. That and a bit less frequently this one:
There are only 10 types of people in the world:
Those who understand ternary,
those who think they do
and those who don't.
Also, as of today I can't make the joke that I'm 100 000 years old anymore.
some do 'no name' especially on the entrance/ green lawns.
it's not a joke as such but i think it's funny.
when in a shop look for some peanuts on the back it says 'may contain nuts' under allergy advice.... MAY contain nuts...
i think i saw a lemonade bottle that says nut free then under neath that says can not guarantee nut free envrioment, may contain nuts....
at a nature reserve one of the staff wears a bear costume, he made a poor decision to eat a burrito with re fried beans for lunch, so after a few hours he needs the toilet..
upon completing his business he washed and dried his hands and he suited back up, upon leaving the toilets a group of children are looking in awe at the bear and one says to the teacher...my dad tells my mom bears crap in the woods all the time she asks him something...so what's it doing in there ??
A ship is sailing the oceans. A pirate ship appears on the horizon. The captain says "Men, bring me my red shirt!" The first mate fetches the shirt and the captain successfully leads an attack on the pirates that sinks their ship. One of the sailors asked the captain "Why do you wear a red shirt in battle?" The captain responded "because if I am wounded, you will not see blood and will continue to fight as if nothing is amiss." The crew was astounded at the bravery of the captain. Later, twenty pirate ships appeared on the horizon. The men looked to the captain, waiting for the request that brought everyone so much strength. The captain looked at the horizon and said, "Men, bring me my brown pants!"
A ship is sailing the oceans. A pirate ship appears on the horizon. The captain says "Men, bring me my red shirt!" The first mate fetches the shirt and the captain successfully leads an attack on the pirates that sinks their ship. One of the sailors asked the captain "Why do you wear a red shirt in battle?" The captain responded "because if I am wounded, you will not see blood and will continue to fight as if nothing is amiss." The crew was astounded at the bravery of the captain. Later, twenty pirate ships appeared on the horizon. The men looked to the captain, waiting for the request that brought everyone so much strength. The captain looked at the horizon and said, "Men, bring me my brown pants!"
to which his first mate said: you can borrow mine...
the battle was fierce, the captain survived barely, his crew was decimated but out of the survivors a young boy who was the look out searched among the bodies and till he found the captain and asked him why everyone else was wearing a red shirt and why were they all leaking...
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.” She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.” The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?” He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your ass?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your ass?" “No." said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your ass?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
for anyone who shares a pc/mac/laptop with other people, but only use one account/admin on them.
and they are dropping hints or complain abotu you being secretive about what you do, make a folder and name it 'yourname' private stuff and have it on the desktop amongst some other icons.. in this folder make another folder and call it secret or for my eyes only, in side that folder make another name it 'stop looking', repeat this till you have about 8 or 9 (max address size) each time escalating the threat then in the last folder put a youtube link to rick astley 'rick roll' never gonna give you up vid maybe rename it they still won't know till they click on it...
To be perfectly honest, I kinda thought it just made sense. He was losing his humanity the entire time and clothing is a purely human construct. Probably realized that since nothing could hurt/effect him anyways there was really little point to it beyond social convention. I don't even see what the big deal was, really... so he has the same functional parts as literally every other male on the planet. It would have been just silly if he somehow became gender neutral with his transformation, especially given the realism basis of the source.
Though, to be perfectly fair... you were the one who brought up blue penises in the first place...
Going old school:
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! HaHaHaHaHaHa
*Cricket sounds in the audience* And now I will escort myself from the building, as I have now earn the title of worst joker ever.
Comments
in a construction site a man suddenly looses his ear... panic ensues after an hour someone brings an ear to him :i found it ! lets get you off to hospital
the man looks at the ear and says : nope throw it away it ain't mine..
the excited finder looks confused : why do you think that ?
the mine smiles and says : cos mine had a pencil in it..
"Have you tried counting sheep?" asks the Doctor.
"That's no good!" replies the boxer. "Every time I get to 9, I get up!"
Today I'm gonna teach you how to be a funny person and how to tell Jokes
Just read one of my jokes and you'll never even dare to tell any joke
---
One day a poor man with a scrap car accidentally hit a very expensive car from the back. Then he began to begs towards the owner of expensive car and said he has no money to pay for the damages, after a lot of begs the owner of expensive car accepted his request and continued his way. In the next Intersection the poor man hit the expensive car from back again and he pulled his head out of window and said! Go Go it's me!
---
Dont talk garbage about other peoples jokes when theirs are funnier then yours IMO
What the fuck? ju ju jus just just what the fuck?
- What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
It's a joke thread and I was just kidding
- What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
one says: have you heard the rumour about a woman kissing frogs and turning them in to prince's?
the other says : no but there is a guy pretending to be a prince who likes to kiss women...
So a guy is out playing golf and he's not doing fantastically. He comes up to the 8th hole and is unsure about which club to use when he hears a voice coming from the nearby water hazard.
*RIBBIT* "6 Iron" *RIBBIT*
The man's understandably perplexed, but thinks 'what the hell' and grabs his 6 Iron. The resulting shot is an absolute blinder and lands the ball within meters of the hole.
Blown away by this, the man decides to track down the source of the voice and finds, nestled next to the water, a frog. Reasoning that it must have been the source of the voice, the man decides to take it with him and after chipping the ball into the hole he moves on to the next hole. As soon as he approaches the tee, the frog speaks up again.
*RIBBIT* "Three wood" *RIBBIT*
So the man tries a three wood and BAM! Hole in one! The man can't believe his luck. And so, taking the frog with him, the man proceeds to have the best round of golf in his entire life.
After celebrating his victory, the man decides, just for the hell of it, to take the frog to a nearby casino and see what happens. As they get to the roulette table, the frog pipes up once again.
*RIBBIT* "Black 6" *RIBBIT*
Figuring he's got nothing to lose, the man puts every penny he has - around $5,000 - onto Black 6. And sure enough, the ball lands directly onto that same slot. Almost instantly, he's rich.
He goes for one more spin and again, the frog tells him the winning spin. By now he's won well over a million dollars, and he decides to call it a night, booking the most expensive room in the hotel.
Settling down and getting ready to sleep, he looks over at the forg.
"This is like a dream come true! I don't know how I can ever thank you for all of this!"
*RIBBIT* "Kiss me" *RIBBIT*
The man shrugs - why the hell not, after all it's done? - and promptly leans over and kisses the frog. In a puff of smoke, the frog magically transforms into a drop-dead gorgeous and completely naked 15 year old girl.
And that, your honour, is how she ended up in my hotel room.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
There are only 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary;
and those who don't.
ATHEISM
A non-Prophet organization
You wouldn't believe how many times I've seen that one on the walls of various restrooms at the university I studied at. That and a bit less frequently this one:
There are only 10 types of people in the world:
Those who understand ternary,
those who think they do
and those who don't.
Also, as of today I can't make the joke that I'm 100 000 years old anymore.
A surname.
fire in the hole !
it's not a joke as such but i think it's funny.
when in a shop look for some peanuts on the back it says 'may contain nuts' under allergy advice.... MAY contain nuts...
i think i saw a lemonade bottle that says nut free then under neath that says can not guarantee nut free envrioment, may contain nuts....
at a nature reserve one of the staff wears a bear costume, he made a poor decision to eat a burrito with re fried beans for lunch, so after a few hours he needs the toilet..
upon completing his business he washed and dried his hands and he suited back up, upon leaving the toilets a group of children are looking in awe at the bear and one says to the teacher...my dad tells my mom bears crap in the woods all the time she asks him something...so what's it doing in there ??
Reminds me of another joke.
How many software engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, it's a hardware problem.
to which his first mate said: you can borrow mine...
the battle was fierce, the captain survived barely, his crew was decimated but out of the survivors a young boy who was the look out searched among the bodies and till he found the captain and asked him why everyone else was wearing a red shirt and why were they all leaking...
A man, having had a few, decides to try his luck with a woman at the bar. He walks up to her and says "If I saw you naked, I would die happy."
She looks back at him and in a very matter of fact voice replies "If I saw you naked, I would die laughing".
Q: Why do computer scientists always mix up Halloween and Christmas?
A: Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC
What's big and red, and eats rocks?
~~
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your ass?" “No." said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your ass?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"
Bartender says, "No."
The duck leaves. Five minutes later the duck walks back into the bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
Bartender snorts and irritation and says, "Just like last time, no. We do not have any grapes."
The duck leaves. Again, five minutes later the duck walks back into the bar and asks, "Do you have any grapes?"
The bartender, now profoundly irritated, says, "For the last time, NO! And if you ask me again, I'm going to nail your fucking feet to the floor!"
The duck walks out of the bar. A minute later he walks back in and asks, "Do you have any nails?"
The bartender sighs and responds, mystified, "No...?"
The duck perks up and replies, "Great! Soooo... do you have any grapes?"
I don't know if you have seen this video, or if that is a real joke, the video is made over
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q
don't get it lol
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.
What did one ass cheek say to the other?
Together, we can stop this shit.
Badumtish.
It's also 19 HEX and 11001 BIN if that helps. If not, don't worry, it's not that funny, and it's the kind of joke most of the population won't get.
So now I have to tell another, more understandable joke, huh? OK,
How to keep a compulsive link clicker busy all day: Click for answer.
for anyone who shares a pc/mac/laptop with other people, but only use one account/admin on them.
and they are dropping hints or complain abotu you being secretive about what you do, make a folder and name it 'yourname' private stuff and have it on the desktop amongst some other icons.. in this folder make another folder and call it secret or for my eyes only, in side that folder make another name it 'stop looking', repeat this till you have about 8 or 9 (max address size) each time escalating the threat then in the last folder put a youtube link to rick astley 'rick roll' never gonna give you up vid maybe rename it they still won't know till they click on it...
A tight-fisted wanker.
Though, to be perfectly fair... you were the one who brought up blue penises in the first place...
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side! HaHaHaHaHaHa
*Cricket sounds in the audience* And now I will escort myself from the building, as I have now earn the title of worst joker ever.